Looking for a little advice on 19 year age gap relationship

[Quidam]

My advice, its a test to see if you are yet another bimbo or if you have character my advice is play along and next time a joke comes in waive it off with something that shows a strong side of you:

 

To give a personal example I'm a young man working in finance and I manage ALOT of account with people older than me. Whenever the age comes into play I usually get back at it with this:

 

Older individual: "Wow you are so young blablabla"

Me: "yhea I know, my knees are starting to hurt, your still young it doesnt get better wait until you have my age you will see!"

 

In my case it flatters their ego and in my case it defuses the whole thing

[SherrySher]

Touching on what another poster has said, I do think it makes sense to look down the road a bit, in time your age gap will most definitely start causing issues.

You will still be young and he will be old, there is no doubt to that. Should the day you ever decide to have children, he will not be as spry anymore to a young child or he will one day be gone as the child grows older. That's not fair to a child.

I do question why someone as young as you would want someone so much older. It does not make sense to me despite what other's have written.

It is undeniable that others relate better to those that are in the same age group. You are dealing with similar issues and have similar mindsets and understandings of that age.

Although some things are universally understood, age does play a major part, whether people want to admit it or not.

 

You should always expect the reactions you're getting now. Many people do not understand this type of relationship.

But it comes down to everyone having a right to their own opinion, whether they are right or not.

If I am out with friends and someone is not comfortable with something and says so, so be it. It doesn't mean it will change things or that they're right, or that they're even wrong. It means they have every right to say what they think just as you do and everyone else does. And again, please don't think I am condoning this or saying it's okay or it's correct. I am only saying to expect it and your relationship is not usual at all.

[DancingFool]

I like how things are right now, but who knows what the future holds. We're going away together in a few weeks, and his parents have invited us for dinner next month too. We're yet to have a discussion regarding the long-term of the relationship but we have discussed that neither of us want kids so that's certainly not in our future.

I have a good feeling about this, I'm just trying not to mess it up!

 

I think you need to relax and enjoy what you have with him and really do take the jokes and the ribbing with a sense of humor.

 

Even if someone is being intentionally mean and seeking to hurt, humor is the ultimate defense and neutralizer of those types of people. They are seeking a weak spot and want to draw you into a fight you can't win and therefore they can make you look like a fool. When you laugh, they failed. Not their intent to entertain you and they will back off and you will earn people's respect in the process as someone who is too strong and balanced for nasty games. It reverses things where the bully comes across as exactly that and you come across as a cool, fun person that people appreciate.

 

Anyway, if you are happy with the relationship and it's working for you, then you need to put the age thing firmly out of your mind and grow deaf and blind to comments from others about it. It's one of those things where if your relationship lasts and the friends see that you two are a good match and make each other happy, they'll start supporting the relationship instead of making fun of it. However, society at large won't change and you will always need to have a thick skin and a sense of humor about it.

[Tuesd4y]

Should the day you ever decide to have children, he will not be as spry anymore to a young child or he will one day be gone as the child grows older. That's not fair to a child.

 

We have already discussed that neither of us want children

 

You should always expect the reactions you're getting now. Many people do not understand this type of relationship.

 

My issue is not with the way people in general react, I do not care. My issue is only with his friends thinking it's ok to make personal remarks about me. To say that I have low self esteem is not an opinion, it is an unnecessary comment.

[Hermes]

WEll, all I can say it is that a 19 year age gap is more usual than one would think. If the OP said the man was 63, well, that could well be a different matter.

 

If both are happy, and are mature in their thinking, well, why not?

 

I could start a list now of folks I know who are married with age gaps of 10, 15 and 20 years. As I mentioned in another thread a relative of mine (now deceased) she married a man of 53 when she was 23 and it worked out well. They had five or six children, so he was definitely both willing and able!

 

In my/our circle of acquaintance and friends there were/are always people of varying age groups. Younger than me/us and also older.

 

I am completely unable to see where the big deal is, honestly. I would have no problem marrying a man a lot older than me. It so happened I married one where the age gap was just seven years. If he'd been 20 years older than me I'd have married him anyhow.

[itsallgrand]

Dating is the time to observe the person. Don't get distracted by making this about you because it's not. This is valuable information you are learning about this man. These are the people he chooses as his inner circle, the people he chooses to have close to him. They all have a pretty consistent message about him. I wouldn't ignore that due to defensiveness if I were you.

 

I think there are valid reasons to be cautious of this type of age gap - woman below thirty, man substantially older and with a track record of flirtatiousness and pursuing younger. That doesn't mean there aren't couples who are healthy and happy with that arrangement. But there's a dark side to it that I don't think is wise to ignore - there are plenty of cases of imbalanced power dynamic relationships like this too.

 

It's your life so you get to choose. You get to use your own judgement.

[Wiseman2]

Actually the remarks aren't about you per se, they are about his playboy tendencies with younger women in general.

My issue is only with his friends thinking it's ok to make personal remarks about me.

[BlarneyStone]

These are the type of age gaps I expect in Game of Thrones lol.

[SherrySher]

Can you please talk about the elephant in the room though? It is partially about her. I can still recall being a young 20 something, there is no way I would chose that older of a man if I could be with someone my own age. It does make people question as it is not usual. It's not about jealousy as others have touched upon. It is about what his friends are comfortable with and are wondering why she made this choice. NO it is not anyone's business, but they still will wonder about it and obviously voice it.

And yes, on this older mans side, it has been mentioned more than once that he chases younger women, that as well makes people wonder as it does seem like either a playboy tendency or immaturity, neither of which bode well for a serious relationship.

[Rising100]

I love younger women, always have. Never has it been an issue in any relationship.

If the two people are committed and love each other then that is all that matters.

Let all the haters and everyone else deal with it.

 

If I find you a younger man, can I assure you he will love you, treat you well, be faithful, understand you and love you? NO.

Age doesnt matter in my opinion, what matters is the person, who they are.

[Hermes]

Say it again, Rising.

[Hermes]

As I said before, when I was 19 I dated a man of 34. No one remarked on it, or thought it odd, and indeed quite a few people thought we'd get married. (I had no intention of getting married at 19, or at 29 either!!) .

My parents met him at the time, and they didn't make any remarks either. They liked him.

Had he had girlfriends before me. Of course he had. Be rather odd if he didn't.

 

As I say if the OP's man were 60 or 63, well then one might wonder a bit, but heavens he is only 43!!

[Tuesd4y]

It is about what his friends are comfortable with and are wondering why she made this choice.

 

Ahh the penny drops, thank you!

[BlarneyStone]

As I said before, when I was 19 I dated a man of 34. No one remarked on it, or thought it odd, and indeed quite a few people thought we'd get married. (I had no intention of getting married at 19, or at 29 either!!) .

My parents met him at the time, and they didn't make any remarks either. They liked him.

Had he had girlfriends before me. Of course he had. Be rather odd if he didn't.

 

As I say if the OP's man were 60 or 63, well then one might wonder a bit, but heavens he is only 43!!

 

No that IS weird. Not for you but for the 34 year old man dating a teenager. To me it screams a lack of maturity and growth on his end.

[Hermes]

Come on, Blarney! You weren't there.

 

He was one of the most mature, sensible people I have ever met, and we had some great times together. Also, well, I was a pretty sophisticated 19 yo, it has to be said, and had a mature mind for my age. I also socialized with his friends, people around his age, and not one of them, not one, every said anything ill-mannered to us.

 

At the end of the year dating I announced I was going abroad, and he was quite taken aback. I really really liked him but that was it. I saw him again at an event, about 8 years later, by which time he had got married, but I don't know to who or what age. We chatted (I was with my family at this event) , even danced, and it was just nice and pleasant.

 

Perhaps I should add that it wasn't that unusual in my country back then for older men to date, and marry, younger women.

 

My father was 40 when he married my mother, although of course at 34 she wasn't that much younger than him.

[BlarneyStone]

I'm sure you were quite mature. But the dude could not have been in the mind of a 34 year old dating that much younger.

[SherrySher]

It's true Tuesday, his friends and family don't owe it to you to accept you or be comfortable with this situation and if they have an opinion about it, well, not all are as quiet about it as others are. We all go through situations like this, people can be far too direct at times, but it's life.

I am not one who finds the age gap thing okay..that's my opinion. If yours is different so be it. I find something off about it all. I don't know how I would react should one of my friends be in this situation, I would hope I wouldn't be as forward in voicing my opinion in front of them but others aren't as quiet.

I again am not saying it's okay...but I am saying to expect it and why.

[JaredTheGhost]

WEll, all I can say it is that a 19 year age gap is more usual than one would think. If the OP said the man was 63, well, that could well be a different matter.

 

If both are happy, and are mature in their thinking, well, why not?

 

I could start a list now of folks I know who are married with age gaps of 10, 15 and 20 years. As I mentioned in another thread a relative of mine (now deceased) she married a man of 53 when she was 23 and it worked out well. They had five or six children, so he was definitely both willing and able!

 

In my/our circle of acquaintance and friends there were/are always people of varying age groups. Younger than me/us and also older.

 

I am completely unable to see where the big deal is, honestly. I would have no problem marrying a man a lot older than me. It so happened I married one where the age gap was just seven years. If he'd been 20 years older than me I'd have married him anyhow.

I'm 25 and my Husband is 53. We make a great team. The age gap never mattered and we continue to grow and learn from each other. Love is never superficial or prejudice. ^___^

[gaseousclay]

I'll try to keep this as short as possible..

 

I have known my boyfriend (T) for around 18 months, officially together for around two months. I am 24 and he is 43 - I made the first move. He's funny and clever and brilliant, and I'm smitten.

In general, most people I know have been supportive and happy for us, including people that have known us separately and together. So far only one of my friends has taken issue with the relationship labelling it "icky" (worth mentioning I think that she has never met him).

 

Things that I took in to consideration before we got together were that he works very, very long hours and sometimes 7 days a week when things get busy. He certainly has a reputation as a massive flirt. He has been married, and has also been in a relationship with a similar age gap to ours before (this is relevant later on). We talked this all over and I decided that none of these things should be an issue as long as we continue to communicate openly. We also discussed similar things from his point of view regarding my past, so everyone's cards were on the table.

 

We have a fair bit in common, and honestly I don't feel that the age difference comes in to it much. We both love walking and the outdoors, have a very similar sense of humour, love to cook (and eat!) and similar taste in TV/Films. We have differences like taste in music, he's in to his cars and trucks which i'm kind of indifferent to, but i'll quite happily sit there and listen to him when he gets all exited about a new truck, watch the videos or go to showrooms with him. I love to sew and he's always telling me about local craft fairs I could go to and frequently asks to see my progress on little projects I've got going on, even though I know he probably doesn't remember what it looked like the last time he saw it. I think it's sweet.

 

Sure I don't get all his references and he doesn't get all of mine, but I think that just gives us something else to talk about.

 

Anyway

Last week I met the majority of his friends and their wives at a small function hosted by one of them. T did warn me in advance that due to the previous relationship he had had with an age difference similar to ours, they liked to make various comments about him being attracted to younger women...a lot! It didn't take long before they began and it didn't really bother me much (even when the comments started getting directed at me; self esteem issues etc), I felt it was to be expected anyway. He just kind of sat there and took it, I think it's been going on for a long time and he seems pretty sick of it. I guess being with me has just given them all a second wind of jokes.

 

Last night, T had posted something on social media (I know, I know) including me. It didn't take long for someone (who I hadn't met) to simply comment "how old is she?". Then liked by another person who doesn't know me.

 

I know I should be expecting these things but it just feels kind of disrespectful when you don't know someone to basically ridicule their relationship. It doesn't affect our relationship I don't think, but it just makes me feel a little bit sad that people are making assumptions and feeling it's appropriate to air those in public.

 

Are there red flags that I'm missing here?

Is there something I can say to shut these kind of comments down, or should I just ignore?

 

Any advice would be appreciated

 

Thank you!

The best you can do is ignore it. You're both consenting adults and your relationship is noone's business. I think people act irrationally when age becomes a factor. It's also a bit of a societal double standard. Younger men can date older women and are called studs, but if an older man dates a younger woman he's a pervert and the woman is labeled a . People should mine their own business. As long as you're both happy it shouldn't matter. Maybe your boyfriend needs new friends

[TreshaPet]

I'd probably make a joke of it. "I'm just waiting till he hits 48 and I can trade him in for two 24-year olds! Wanna borrow one of them?" wink

[fantasticday]

Wouldn't worry Been tare got the t-shirt ..my wife is 27 years younger than me ....I don't look my age ..but that besides .we get on great been together10yrs. . Married 5yrs. ... . Being "In love" is wot matters ..

[derroax]

Oh just ignore the jokes, but my question is what do those things say about him? If his friends make jokes like that in front of you, what does this say about his environment?

I am in a 20 year gap relationship and none of his friends have ever made comments about that. I'd be a bit disgusted if he just sat there and took it when they were making fun about us - and especially about me, when they don't even know me!

 

It could be that he doesn't have the guts to confront his friends and might be a bit of a pushover, you could explore this tactfully by asking how it makes him feel just to get to understand it better from his perspective. If however he enjoys bragging with his young girlfriend(or exes) then this could also reveal something about him.