was i dating a potential control freak...advice

[Hazel2345]

My boyfriend and me were dating for a year. He broke it off randomely when i was supposed to be going down to see him. Afterwards, he has never seemed to regret it or bother about it and is dating again straight afterwards. His reason for breaking it off was that he didn't think he'd want me in the future and that he didn't want to hurt me by not being able to commit properly later on. (he has done this many times before)

 

Anyway, he showed many controlling signs and major insecurity, persistantly saying i didn't love him/didn't show it, thinking i had at some point cheated on him, said he loved me early on(he really didn't know me well at all at that point) thinking i didn't find him attractive, getting irritated if i was busy doing household duties or wanted time on my own, if i had holidays from work, if i dared take any time to myself, he would get annoyed and think i didn't love him as much as he did..etc basically, showing every single sign that he is majorly insecure, looking through my phone, he even said he didn't trust me...and he threated to break up with me all the time. I even had to edit my texts before sending them. He'd try to walk out the house at any opportunity, acting all sad and moody, one time i took longer to gather the courage to say something and he started shouting that he was going to end the relationship, that we weren't working and he started driving the car much faster in a rage..

 

Is this a classic sign of someone who could potentially be controlling? What made him disappear? It was quite out of the blue, almost on a whim and i just wondered. I feel like i see things more clearly because, looking back now, it really was quite bad. I really felt i couldn't do anything without him going in a mood or making something huge out of nothing. It got extremely tiring.

 

He seemed to be so "in love" and did a number of things but he also lacked in that department, not really doing much after the first few months, even if i worked, i was guilt tripped and made to feel bad. He would act so nice sometimes and then go in moods and i couldn't get him out of them. If i was in a bad mood or tired, it was like i had to pretend to be happy, otherwise, "our relationship wasn't working and he wasn't right for me"...SO EXHAUSTING,

 

 

This recent ex said that i shouldn't feel insecure about my body around him and that i had to show him everything and that was also a sign i didn't trust or love him, i tried explaining that i can't just throw my insecurities out the window like that...he also guilt tripped me if i didn't do what he wanted to do during sex, saying that i obviously didnt care enough about him as i clearly didn't want to please him..

 

I just wondered if someone could give me some help, maybe if they can relate to this, why they think he just left without bothering. I feel like ive been majorly lied to and made to feel horrible about my own abilities in a relationship...he made me feel like EVERYTHING was my fault..ive been with another controlling man and he said this whole "you don't show me love" thing all the time but i take a while to warm up, i tend to buy them gifts and say/write things as i can be quite shy so making moves is a bit harder for me..

 

thank you!

[Wiseman2]

Why do even care that why this abusive loser left? Be grateful you are free from this jerk and can move on.

 

Get some counseling for your self esteem and to learn to recognize these types and manipulative/controlling behaviors much sooner, as well as identifying other red flags earlier on.

 

Do some research online such as "warning signs of abusive relationships", etc.

This recent ex said that i shouldn't feel insecure about my body around him and that i had to show him everything and that was also a sign i didn't trust or love him, i tried explaining that i can't just throw my insecurities out the window like that...he also guilt tripped me if i didn't do what he wanted to do during sex, saying that i obviously didnt care enough about him as i clearly didn't want to please him..

same guy?

[j.man]

I think you'd benefit from taking the time to learn how to be single.

[melancholy123]

Wow what a major jerk control freak this guy is, be GLAD you are rid of him. Nobody should be able to treat you like that and undermine your self confidence. You dodged a big bullet. Block him every way possible, take time for yourself, and then move on to someone better.

[limichelle]

I would not put any more thought into this guy and why he broke up just be glad he did. Now you can take the much needed time for yourself and not worry about his controlling demands. Just think of this as a big breath of fresh air.

 

Lisa

[reinventmyself]

You pretty much described my last relationship. He was immensely insecure and didn't trust me. I hung in there thinking it would get better. At least mine acknowledged his insecurities and was working on them. In the end he just got better at hiding them. The tension would build and he would just spill over.

In the end he left as well.

I understand how it leaves you confused wondering what you could have done differently.

But this isn't about you. He left because the anxiety became too much.

Your lesson (and mine) is to figure out why we were attracted to these men in the first place and what is it about us they are attracted too.

[ThatwasThen]

Rather then dwell on the way he was, why not do the work on yourself with a therapist to help you figure out why you would stay with a man that clearly treated you without value. You have to learn that you quickly get rid of men who don't show you value even when you feel you love them.

 

I'm not going to pull punches here, luv. You have picked the same type of man far too often and you've stayed with them far too long. Time to be single for a while, work on your self-esteem and your tendency to be codependent with a professional. Once you are stronger in being able to leave someone upon the first signs that abuses you emotionally (or physically or psychologically or verbally) then and only then think about meeting men. You'll pick a far superior class of men when you have the self-worth and you believe you deserve someone who loves, respects and shows you value. Therapy and self-help reading and support groups for codependency will get you there.

 

Feel better soon and do something tangible to help get you there.

[kamurj]

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