Too Different for Relationship to Work?

[DarkBlue82]

Its crunch time in my relationship with my gf that I have been seeing since mid march 2016. I care about her and do like her alot but cant ignore our differences which is holding me back from completely embracing us as a couple and building a future.

 

I am very health orientated, enjoy the gym and want someone who cares about their health. Unfortunately she uses an e light and smokes regular cigarettes when drinking. Now I knew she used an e light before we met but I took it as a sign she wants to quit and improve her health but recently when out drinking she admitted to me that she had smoked.

 

This obviously upset me as I said to her before we got together that if she smokes it will affect things between us as I am so anti smoking. Quiting is hard I am sure but I just wonder if its a sign we are too different and I need someone more health concientious.

 

Am I being too petty and reading into it too much or am I right for doubting that we can work due to lifestyle differences?

[polaris]

Two comments

 

(1) Is it just the smoking, or is this symptomatic of a more substantial difference in lifestyle reflected in other areas such as exercise and fitness?

 

(2) Does she actually want to quit smoking? If yes, then in principle you can try to support her through it. If she's not 100% convinced about that, though, then given it's still relatively early days, I'd be inclined to say cut your losses.

[Gloworm]

Id find a health orientated girl like yourself!

[Wiseman2]

Unfortunately it may be, it's just been a few mos. and some incompatibilities and truths start to emerge. She may want to quit, but she may start hiding it, not an easy call.

I just wonder if its a sign we are too different and I need someone more health concientious

[Mama12]

If your looking for a mirror image of yourself(lifestyle etc) then it's not gonna work, please tell her sooner rather than later,,,,

[DancingFool]

Don't bank a relationship on the other person changing.

 

So if smoking is a deal breaker for you, then simply don't get involved with those who smoke. Btw, e cigs can be even more addictive then regular cigs, just less stench and different format for the nicotine intake.

[Ms Darcy]

I would end it asap. It's only been a few months so don't waste your time.

[tattoobunnie]

If smoking is a dealbreaker, then stick to it! Don't go back and forth.

 

My husband hated the fact that I smoked. Hated with a passion, but never once said anything, or made me feel bad about it because he accepted me for me. But I would try to quit over the years I had smoked. I even ran a half marathon with no issues, and was a regular smoker.

 

Then I got pregnant with my first kid, and after smoking for 16 years, quit cold turkey, and never picked up the habit again, and it's been 5 years with no desire to smoke. And he now makes sure to tell me how glad he is I quit. But not everyone is like me. Some people return to smoking.

[Clinton]

Don't bank a relationship on the other person changing.

 

So if smoking is a deal breaker for you, then simply don't get involved with those who smoke. Btw, e cigs can be even more addictive then regular cigs, just less stench and different format for the nicotine intake.

 

Well said. Never date someone with the idea you can change them. It's a recipe for disaster.

 

Do her and yourself a favor and end it.

[overthemoon86]

As the others said, do not continue a relationship in hopes that someone will change, it will never work. Either you put up with the smoking or you don't because there is no guarantee that she will quit.

 

When my boyfriend and I first started dating, we were smokers and then 6 months into our relationship, we both decided to quit. I quit cold turkey (it REALLY sucked) and he vaped. If one of us went back I am sure it would have been detrimental to our relationship, but luckily we did it.

[DarkBlue82]

Its the smoking and the lack of any intent to be active with me. I made it very clear in the beginning that these where important things to me and though she agreed they were important too nothing has changed and I feel she just nodded and said yes to please me early on.

[Wiseman2]

Agree, it's quite common to reveal the underside of things later on.

I feel she just nodded and said yes to please me early on.

[DarkBlue82]

I am not looking for a mirror image just someone who shares similiar interests and outlook. She knew my outlook from the start so she cant be surprised that her relapsing with a cigarette would cause problems.

 

I have supported her and encouraged to help her get fit and quit her addiction but part of me feels she is happy the way she is (which is fine) but she would need to find someone who is ok with that.

[DarkBlue82]

Dancingfool it was the fact she said she was trying to quit and considered herself a non smoker that convinced me otherwise I wouldnt have been interested.

[overthemoon86]

Well now you know the truth. You aren't compatible and you cannot change people.

[Clinton]

Its the smoking and the lack of any intent to be active with me. I made it very clear in the beginning that these where important things to me and though she agreed they were important too nothing has changed and I feel she just nodded and said yes to please me early on.

 

So end it already and stop complaining

[DancingFool]

I am not looking for a mirror image just someone who shares similiar interests and outlook. She knew my outlook from the start so she cant be surprised that her relapsing with a cigarette would cause problems.

 

I have supported her and encouraged to help her get fit and quit her addiction but part of me feels she is happy the way she is (which is fine) but she would need to find someone who is ok with that.

 

Well there is your answer - time to part ways.

 

Also, just because you are totally honest about how you are and what's important to you, keep in mind that others might not be. So you still have to keep an eye out on that and early on be sure that their agreement with your values is followed through with actions. You've now seen that she is not interested in living how you'd like and so not a match. Game over.

[Ms Darcy]

Its the smoking and the lack of any intent to be active with me. I made it very clear in the beginning that these where important things to me and though she agreed they were important too nothing has changed and I feel she just nodded and said yes to please me early on.

 

So what you made it clear? Dating is about figuring out if actions match words - on both sides.

 

So, when are you gonna end it?

[DarkBlue82]

Clinton telling me to stop complaining is neither helpful or insightful advice. Not everything is black and white which is why i am conflicted.

[tina-rocks]

In the start of a relationship it is always a learning curve, finding out about each other. But you have to be on the same page fundamentally, for common ground. This sounds to me like you are opposite in health issues at least and off the batt, with what you are saying, not a good sign for a future relationship. We are all different and have our own outlooks on life and habits. Some which 9thers will share and some they will not. You have to love a person for all of who they are, not just parts of them. In the grand scheme of things, smoking an e cigarette isn't that bad, but you clearly have doubts and for something I would consider inconsequential, you find an issue with, maybe you need someone, more like yourself, in terms of health goals.

[catfeeder]

I would shoot it down the middle. I'd tell her, "I adore you and can see us together in the future. That's why I need to walk away while we both think highly of one another to preserve that potential. If you ever find yourself completely clear of any need to vape or smoke, and you've adopted an active lifestyle that aligns better with mine, you can let me know. If I'm still available then, we can meet to catch up. Otherwise, I wish you the best."

 

This pulls you out of the role of a parental smoke detector, and it leave all choices up to her. If the two of you are a meant to be deal, then she'll recognize that and make the changes that will align her with you. If not, then you've cut your losses--and hers.

 

Head high.

[Sportster2005]

This is one of those things that is entirely up to you to decide. You have to weigh how important it is and make a decision.

[Sportster2005]

I am not looking for a mirror image just someone who shares similiar interests and outlook. She knew my outlook from the start so she cant be surprised that her relapsing with a cigarette would cause problems.

 

I have supported her and encouraged to help her get fit and quit her addiction but part of me feels she is happy the way she is (which is fine) but she would need to find someone who is ok with that.

 

The problem is people ultimately won't make permanent change when they are just trying to appease someone. If you don't want to date smokers, don't date them and reasonably expect them to stop. Even when they are well intentioned and believe they will really want to quit. Not going to happen. Especially with smoking. I only smoked for one day, but it took me almost twenty years to quit.

[sumDimAsian]

My husband hated the fact that I smoked. Hated with a passion, but never once said anything, or made me feel bad about it because he accepted me for me.

 

This.

 

OP, I think you either need to accept your gf for everything she is and isn't, or cut ties. It's really that simple, in my opinion. I don't know how old you are, but if you're old enough to have had several meaningful relationships, then I think you're in a good position to judge whether your current gf is special enough to where you can overlook her smoking and non-gymming, potentially like forever. No one here knows how much she means to you. The one truth that's been mentioned several times is though that you can't change people... not really.

[quinnbrenner]

I think it can work out. I would just explain how you're worried about her health and the potential in the future (such as having children, etc) and you'd like her to be as healthy as possible. As someone who used to smoke cigarettes it can be quite difficult but also try including her in small ways with your health routine. Encourage her more with her attempts to quit ( I was lucky enough to quit cold turkey but not everyone is able to do that) Invite her to work out with you or find a physical activity in which you both enjoy doing. I would give it a few months and if still feel the same then I would re consider but it is ultimately you two to decide what you will or will not accept in the relationship.