Manipulative mother in law. (A bit of a rant).

[muchacha_abril]

I've been with my current boyfriend for three years and a half. We were pretty serious from the beginning and very much in love. Everything was great at the start because we used to do things together and he seemed to have his own ideas and personality. Then I met his parents. Again, the first impression was that his mom was super sweet and caring. As time passed and I got to see more of her, I noticed that she was domineering, controlling and intrusive all the time. These are some of the things she does:

 

* Buys him clothes all the time and when I come to visit she shows me what she bought. She says "I got it for him!" (She barely speaks any English so the communication is limited, but she's always proudly showing me the new shoes, underwear and pants she got for him). She then proceeds to imply that if it was up to her husband my boyfriend wouldn't have gotten anything so it's because of her that he's dressed, otherwise he'd be wearing a garbage bag.

 

* Constantly calls him. Texts him. They are always talking in whatsapp. Sometimes minutes after we've left his home.

 

* She talks him into asking me for favors (like driving them an hour and a half away to do a family visit). I don't speak their language so I'd just be sitting there listening to them talk and wasting my whole Saturday while they do their house visit.

 

* She always double checks everything I do because she can do it better.

 

* When I went to their country of origin she'd tell me where to sit and how much to eat. She'd be very insisting and complaining about me in her native tongue if I said I'd had enough.

 

* When walking in the streets of their city, I'd be holding hands with my boyfriend and talking and she would constantly be calling him to point out the stupidest things, like "look at the cat" "look at that store" constantly looking for his attention. One time I said that I was hungry while we were waiting to finish an errand and she said "Are you going to die?" implying that it's not like I was dying of hunger so I could wait. I was just talking to my boyfriend but somehow she thought I was rushing them.

 

* When staying in their house she'd tell me where to put my stuff. I'd be passing time with my boyfriend in his room and she'd come in constantly with some excuse, a question, a comment, a picture she'd found on instagram, to interrupt our time together.

 

* She gives me "presents" for no reason. Things she doesn't want anymore. Cheap plastic earrings. Booklets and crap they get in the mail that they don't want. Basically, their garbage.

 

This is just an overview because I don't want to turn this into a book. I know what some might say: the problem is my boyfriend. He has no will, no personality, no original thoughts, nothing. It's always his mom talking through him, deciding for him. We've had this discussion for a while now and he simply does not see it. I could explain to him using play doh, he still will not get it. He thinks I'm jealous of his mom or that I hate her. It's not like that, I just wished he'd stop acting like a child and grew up! I know I'm asking for the impossible but I wonder, is it worth fighting for someone who has given you perhaps the best moments you've ever had in terms of relationships but has no guts or it's better to break up?

 

I just really think this is what is going to end our relationship. I wonder if there's something I could do or perhaps just get used to the fact that he's a mama's boy and that isn't going to change. What should I do? How would you handle the situation?

[nuttybuddy]

i feel for you girl. i had a friend who was engaged to a mama's boy and eventually had to break off the engagement because he sided with his mom rather than her.

 

it's definitely a big issue. my bro was also in a position where my mom was trying to whip him to listen to her obediently, but he sided with his wife. i don't blame him. my mom was making unreasonable demands. and from the start my mom had animosity toward my sis-in-law even though she didn't do anything to cause that. i think it was just the fact that my mom was maybe jealous that my bro was "taken away" from her. so the relationship between them is not the best in my opinion, but i don't blame my bro. i do blame my mom for being so mean to my sis-in-law though. my mom insinuates things which is meant to be misconstrued in a way, but she has a wiggle room to deny anything by it since it wasn't direct. for instance, recently, my mom commented that my bro has gained weight and she thinks it makes him look better, but to my sis-in-law she said "you look like a mom" which she is, but my sis-in-law was like "i don't know what you mean by that" meaning, was that a compliment or was that an insult? my mom wouldn't clarify, and she said she was just stating the obvious but i felt like it was a slight jab of insult.

 

so your bf's mom interjecting in your conversation that you were having with your bf saying "r u gonna die? (from starvation)" just shows that she was disrespectful of you on how you felt and was frankly rude.

 

i think when a man marries a woman, he needs to understand that he has to be the number one support of his wife over anyone else, especially his parents. some guys just don't get that. they still tow the line in the middle trying to appease both his wife and his mom, but it becomes very tiring and stressful. he needs to be clear with his mom and draw that line that he is on your side no matter what. That's why it says in the bible "a man leaves his father and mother and is united to his wife, and they become one flesh."

[muchacha_abril]

Yes, that's what I think too. If he wants a real relationship he needs to behave like an adult and be able to discern when she's being rude or manipulative and not just dismiss it like something not important. It drives me nuts. I feel like I'm reaching a point in which a break up is unavoidable and there's that underlying feeling that, as much as I love this boy and as supportive as he is and patient and sweet, he's never going to change this aspect of himself. I feel like I'm wasting my time.

[Moontiger]

The one thing you can do is express your feelings and ask for very specific changes. For example "I feel disrespected when X, what I need is Y."

 

Does he know how close to done you are?

[muchacha_abril]

He knows. I've given examples, I try to explain it to him but he just doesn't get it. He says I misinterpret her "kindness", that she wants to make sure we are okay (that's why she's always interrupting our conversations), that she's done things for me (I can't recall a single one) and that she could do no wrong. She's not a bad person either. I don't think she has ill will, but she and her son are in an unhealthy dependent relationship. She has a husband, but he's the same as a ghost. He'd always be at work so I guess that's why she made my boyfriend fill his spot. I think I need to phrase it in the way you've put it, focusing on my feelings and on my boyfriend's passivity. He's the one I have a relationship with and he's the one who needs to step up. But how would he do it when he doesn't even get it?

[Moontiger]

You have a few options here. 1) insist you go to couples therapy to work on your communication. 2) look him in the eye and say "I'm tired of being number 2 in your life. When you are ready for me to be number one give me a call."

[SherrySher]

"the problem is my boyfriend. He has no will, no personality, no original thoughts, nothing. It's always his mom talking through him, deciding for him."

 

This is your problem right there. It's not his Mom...it's him. He is allowing it to be this way, and he is not doing anything to change any of it. Mother's can only do as much as their son/daughter allows them to. Figure out if you want a man like this or not.

[limichelle]

Ugh! I feel for you! I have been there twice in my life! The worst was in my longest relationship and she did a lot of the things you described. My ex also never backed me up as he was scared of her temper. If he told her to back off she would jump down his throat and he would then get mad at me.

 

I suggest you do what I should have done years ago because you won't win this battle between a mom and her son.Leave, trust me you don't need the stress! It will get to you one way or another. I find after my relationship ended I felt a huge burden off of my shoulders because I would no longer have to put up with his family again! Although I'm still picking up the pieces where I held everything in from her criticism to her nastiness.

 

You don't need this burden.

 

If I were you I would tell him to call you once he's grown up and doesn't need his mother!

 

Lisa

[Snny]

She talks him into asking me for favors (like driving them an hour and a half away to do a family visit)

This is a very inappropriate request, especially when you aren't family. Your foot should be put down the moment she asked.

 

Your boyfriend lacks a serious backbone when it comes to boundaries and dealing with his parents. And part of this is a cultural battle which you may not win. This will be a huge problem later in the relationship- especially when you start thinking about marriage.

 

I agree with Moontiger's advice- counseling or leave. This behavior will not change.

[agent1607307371]

I know what some might say: the problem is my boyfriend. He has no will, no personality, no original thoughts, nothing.

 

The problem might be that you see your bf like this, but have still spend 3 years waiting for him to change.

[RainyCoast]

He knows. I've given examples, I try to explain it to him but he just doesn't get it. He says I misinterpret her "kindness", that she wants to make sure we are okay (that's why she's always interrupting our conversations), that she's done things for me (I can't recall a single one) and that she could do no wrong. She's not a bad person either. I don't think she has ill will, but she and her son are in an unhealthy dependent relationship. She has a husband, but he's the same as a ghost. He'd always be at work so I guess that's why she made my boyfriend fill his spot. I think I need to phrase it in the way you've put it, focusing on my feelings and on my boyfriend's passivity. He's the one I have a relationship with and he's the one who needs to step up. But how would he do it when he doesn't even get it?

 

i think you understand the situation very well.

 

i would agree with the counselling bit if....

-he had some insight into why this underdeveloped mother-son dyad renders adult relationships impossible

-he had some consideration for the fact you are bothered

-it hadn't been like this for three years

-pre-oedipal pathological structuration of the psyche had better (and quicker) treatment outcomes

 

so. you get my drift. i'd dump the suckling. and put glitter on the top of her ceiling fan blades before i leave.

[Wiseman2]

She's not your mother in law. Yes, the dynamic seems to be both ways with him/his mother. It also seems to be a cultural differential. Why aren't you engaged after 3.5 yrs? Maybe as just a gf you have no status with her, since her son has made no commitment to you?

I wonder if there's something I could do or perhaps just get used to the fact that he's a mama's boy and that isn't going to change.

[muchacha_abril]

Yep. I had a long discussion about why I didn't want to give them a ride (they can easily take the train) but he just kept making excuses (my cousin doesn't like driving on weekends, my mom can't take the train, it's a long way). Throughout that discussion I had the feeling it was his mother speaking through him because he doesn't behave like that when we are alone. He wouldn't accept a no for an answer and kept insisting. I ended up taking them and when we had to leave (I didn't want to miss GoT) his mother made a face like I'm such a jerk for cutting short their visit or something. At the end of the ride, in a sarcastic way, she said "Thank you so much, Andrea". But not with gratitude. She was implying that I made a big deal out of nothing.

[muchacha_abril]

You are correct. Except for a long time I didn't know how close him and his mother were but little by little I started realizing. Unfortunately, I was already in love but very, very quickly the image I had of him is losing its shine. It's hard to be attracted to a BOY who has no backbone.

[Moontiger]

Yep. I had a long discussion about why I didn't want to give them a ride (they can easily take the train) but he just kept making excuses (my cousin doesn't like driving on weekends, my mom can't take the train, it's a long way). Throughout that discussion I had the feeling it was his mother speaking through him because he doesn't behave like that when we are alone. He wouldn't accept a no for an answer and kept insisting. I ended up taking them and when we had to leave (I didn't want to miss GoT) his mother made a face like I'm such a jerk for cutting short their visit or something. At the end of the ride, in a sarcastic way, she said "Thank you so much, Andrea". But not with gratitude. She was implying that I made a big deal out of nothing.

 

Hold firm next time. You teach people how to treat you and now your boyfriend and his mom have learned that they get what they want from basically passive-aggressively bullying you.

 

I honestly cannot imagine my boyfriend acting like that.

[muchacha_abril]

She's not your mother in law. Yes, the dynamic seems to be both ways with him/his mother. It also seems to be a cultural differential. Why aren't you engaged after 3.5 yrs? Maybe as just a gf you have no status with her, since her son has made no commitment to you?

 

We've talked about moving in together but I really, really doubt that's ever going to happen.

[muchacha_abril]

Hold firm next time. You teach people how to treat you and now your boyfriend and his mom have learned that they get what they want from basically passive-aggressively bullying you.

 

I honestly cannot imagine my boyfriend acting like that.

 

We are having that discussion as I speak. Yet again. I told him everything I had to tell him and he replies with sarcasm. He can't even engage with honesty in a conversation about how he makes me feel. He says he won't demean himself again by asking me for a favor. I mean, what kind of reply is that? He's again trying to make look like the jerk. I told him my answer was no and that it wasn't up for debate. I want to pull my hair out. But you are so right! They already know that by bullying me they'll get what they want from me and that's exactly what he's doing right now.

[Moontiger]

Writings on the wall. If it were me, I would shift the discussion to "we are done."

[Wiseman2]

It's good you've seen this dynamic first hand now. Neither of them seem to want to cut the apron strings. Unfortunately that's two against one.

didn't know how close him and his mother were but little by little I started realizing.

[WithLove]

He's always going to side with his mother. You will never be first in his life. Is that what you want? If not (and you shouldn't!), you know what to do. I can already tell you're about done.

[Snny]

Throughout that discussion I had the feeling it was his mother speaking through him because he doesn't behave like that when we are alone. He wouldn't accept a no for an answer and kept insisting.

I would be through dating him at this point. He has no respect for you as his girlfriend. You are not a chore girl for his family. He is in no authority to make such demands.

 

We've talked about moving in together...

He can't even engage with honesty in a conversation about how he makes me feel. He says he won't demean himself again by asking me for a favor.

]

 

He needs to grow up and grow a pair. Seriously, screw is guy. He's not even worth it anymore.

[Moontiger]

I would be through dating him at this point. He has no respect for you as his girlfriend. You are not a chore girl for his family. He is in no authority to make such demands.

 

 

 

]

 

He needs to grow up and grow a pair. Seriously, screw is guy. He's not even worth it anymore.

 

Ok, can we make that the official ena gif? Feel like it could apply to a lot of threads here.

[Snny]

I know, The Office is a fantastic show.

[Moontiger]

OP are you familiar with the acronym DTMFA?

[muchacha_abril]

OP are you familiar with the acronym DTMFA?

No, but I think I just figured out what it stands for.