The end...I now understand

[Wiseman2]

Once you receive this 6606368]his attorney's correspondence.You stop doing this:

I caved and had sex with him

[Jibralta]

The fact remains he refuses to answer any of my questions. I can reach an amicable resolution with him but I can no longer trust trust this man. If I were to have backed down I bet I could remain married....I can't . I've seen him cry for the first time over our marriage. I wasn't impressed

 

His spirit animal is some sort of parasite: feeding off of you and your relationship, for his benefit alone.

[gigiselle]

I hired a lawyer. I'm not sure she was the right choice but it's done. I want but 50% of the assets since we build this for 24 years together. I feel like I'm living in a Salvador Dali painting at the moment. It's very difficult to reside with him under the same roof. The lawyer is trying to do something about this. I feel very vulnerable around him. He'd be ok to proceed as a married couple....eating dinner, having sex, etc. until divorce. I can't do that.

[gigiselle]

I'm avoiding him as much as I can. Our lawyers can do the work for us. When I saw the letter from his lawyer a lightbulb went on....the word "versus". I feel like I've been evicted from my life. Everything I've done in the last 24 years, every sacrifice, every decision was about him. It's time the decisions are about me. I've been in denial for years. I've been madly in love with my ex life partner and gave him all I had and it wasn't good enough. It hurts so much ...it feels like a death.

[Wiseman2]

Absolutely. Plaintiff vs defendant. No sex, dinners or pretending to be a couple when in fact you are legally adversaries. Good you got an attorney, now let her guide you. Actually divorce is when He is evicted from your life. See what magic your attorney can do to get him out of the house.

When I saw the letter from his lawyer a lightbulb went on....the word "versus". I feel like I've been evicted from my life.

[gigiselle]

I won't let him take advantage of me. Obviously he can continue to pretend....probably to keep me on the hook so I won't get angry. I'm not angry. I'm very sad. I wouldn't have even hired a lawyer if he hadn't . But--I had to do it to protect myself. I have no plan to screw him over . I hate having to use a lawyer but I just need someone looking out for me. I don't want him here. I don't want to be here. I don't care which of us goes....it's too difficult to have to see him. I don't want to clean this house. It's no longer my home. I'm hiring merry maids if he stays. I feel like the maid....

[gigiselle]

The worst part is knowing he feels free to date...not having to hide anything....but I feel like I'm dying.

[gigiselle]

I pray that God gives me the strength to go on. I feel my life is over. I love him and I can't help it. I'm trying my best to help myself.

[Jibralta]

I'm really sorry this is happening to you. Stay strong and be sure to take proper care of yourself.

[gigiselle]

I'm really sorry this is happening to you. Stay strong and be sure to take proper care of yourself.

 

Thank you Jibralta. That starts today.

[gigiselle]

Update:

Divorce is proceeding. I'm no longer in tears all the time. I'm doing a post-mortem assessment in my head...Iguess. He's being very "nice" but--I believe this is only until the finances are settled. All the people I know that divorced say this. He is making sure I don't wig out and end up in trial. It still feels strange that we're turning into strangers. I'm beginning to read my journal and recall how I've felt in the last two years....all the anxiety, worry and ill treatment....even though we kept going on outings and such. I I'm seeing a therapist on the 20th. I need it.

[Lester]

Throw that journal out.

[IAmFCA]

Update:

Divorce is proceeding. I'm no longer in tears all the time. I'm doing a post-mortem assessment in my head...Iguess. He's being very "nice" but--I believe this is only until the finances are settled. All the people I know that divorced say this. He is making sure I don't wig out and end up in trial. It still feels strange that we're turning into strangers. I'm beginning to read my journal and recall how I've felt in the last two years....all the anxiety, worry and ill treatment....even though we kept going on outings and such. I I'm seeing a therapist on the 20th. I need it.

 

Imagine feeling secure in a relationship, the calm of it. That is ahead for you, if you face all the tough moments in therapy with courage. Wishing you well through this change.

[gigiselle]

That journal is a reminder to me that I tried all I could....and that I wasn't happy. So--I won't read it forever it helps remind me how hopelessly alone and sad I felt. It's a post-mortem for closure perhaps...

[gigiselle]

I think I can:

 

You're reply was uplifting . I'm just beginning to imagine myself as anything other than his wife. It's a bit of an identity crisis. He on the other hand is happily dating.

[Lester]

That journal is a reminder to me that I tried all I could....and that I wasn't happy. So--I won't read it forever it helps remind me how hopelessly alone and sad I felt. It's a post-mortem for closure perhaps...

 

I understand, I really do!

I too starting keeping notes, but trust me when I say..., throw it out.

 

It's a heavy weight, and you won't know how heavy it was till you toss it.

 

Good luck Gigiselle! You'll be in my prayers.

[Wiseman2]

Great start a new one. Record your journey to freedom, independence and happiness, now this this dead weight is being lifted.

That journal is a reminder to me that I tried all I could

[lostandhurt]

He isn't happily anything deep down so don't let his appearance of happiness fool you. He is a troubled man with no conscience or character. His time will come...

 

Many people that have been hurt like you have just want the divorce over with so the pain will start to fade and so they don't fight for what they deserve. I don't want you to be jerk or anything but you are entitled to a lot from so many years of marriage. I know of women going after their ex's social security and Medicaid.

 

Be sure you protect yourself and look towards the future and what you will need in retirement, living expenses, housing, vehicles and on and on. Be smart and treat this like a business deal where two partners are breaking up a company.

 

It takes time to begin to heal so don't rush things. If it helps to read your journal and remind yourself of how you felt back then go ahead and read it but don't dwell on the past and what you cannot change. You will be surprised just how strong you are how little you actually depended on him. He on the other hand is in for a rude awakening.

 

Be sure to eat well, get rest and always look your best. Get out of the house and visit friends that have been on the back burner since you have been married, go for walks and think about the things you used to love doing that marriage got in the way of. You have a great life ahead of you but you need to start working towards it today. Far to many wait until the divorce is final before they start their new life, there is no need to wait to get your mind into a mode of thinking only about yourself and what you want to do.

 

Keep posting and asking for advice. The more input you get the better.

 

Lost

[gigiselle]

Lost and hurt:

 

It's weird but I acquired Pneumonia at the same time I found out he was divorcing me. I think that intensified things. I was washing myself sitting up in my tub because I could'nt even stand up. But--it clicked in my brain that I had no partner. They say every hand is a winner and a loser. It helped me understand the extent of my situation. Before that I just wanted to sign and be over it. Now--I'm thinking about my future for once. I stopped crying 3 days ago. He approached me to sign a financial agreement without lawyers involved. I said sorry but that's not happening. He became angry. Big deal! He must think me a complete idiot.

 

Love can really cloud your brain. But--Ithink I allowed myself a full license to grieve without any shame for once in my life. I cried for nearly 3 weeks. I thought of how I have felt hurt in three years. I thought of my confusion going back and forth...my denial. He told me just last week he's still in love with me. The difference with me now is I'm going with actions not words. I'm glad I'm not deluding myself and refuse to sign any financial agreement. He was simply preying on my vulnerability.

 

I'm not going to rush for a settlement. I'm going to make a full assessment of my needs. He's been playing nice but I know this is only because he wants to soften me. I'm not out to get him. I have no interest in screwing him over but--I'm not interested in screwing myself over and becoming his victim to prove to him that his needs are more important than mine because of my need for him to understand " just how much I love him". That was my Achilles heel. I gave him the better portions. I settled. I'm no longer doing that.

[lostandhurt]

Good for you.

 

Yes he probably wanted you to agree that he would pay for his lawyer and you would pay for yours. He is afraid he will get stuck with both legal bills for the divorce and depending on your work history (stay at home mom) he may just have to pony up for your lawyer too.

 

NEVER sign anything without your lawyer looking it over first. In fact once you have a lawyer he shouldn't be coming to you with any type of legal document.

 

Start making a list right now. Where are you going to live, what are you going to live on, medical, retirement, transportation, job training.....

 

I think you will find he will be less nice now that your head has cleared and he isn't going to get off easy.

 

Lost

[gigiselle]

Good for you.

 

Yes he probably wanted you to agree that he would pay for his lawyer and you would pay for yours. He is afraid he will get stuck with both legal bills for the divorce and depending on your work history (stay at home mom) he may just have to pony up for your lawyer too.

 

NEVER sign anything without your lawyer looking it over first. In fact once you have a lawyer he shouldn't be coming to you with any type of legal document.

 

Start making a list right now. Where are you going to live, what are you going to live on, medical, retirement, transportation, job training.....

 

I think you will find he will be less nice now that your head has cleared and he isn't going to get off easy.

 

Lost

 

I find it impossible to be disingenuous. I wish I had it in me. It would make my life less complicated. But--I am who I am and that's all I can be....wait!!! Did I just quote Popeye?! L.O.L. I seriously have no clue on how to play games. I had to go back to the doctor because the Pneumonia got worse. I got some steroids and shots and more oral antibiotics. I think the timing of this has definitely affected me. My thinking hasn't been clear. But--thank God I wasn't stupid or sick enough to sign on to an agreement without lawyers involved. My lawyer advised me to take my time and think about my needs before replying. She seems to be surprised that a adversary is proceeding so rapidly. He had a settlement before even providing records. His girlfriend must be lighting a fire under his bum.

[Wiseman2]

That's often the case.

His girlfriend must be lighting a fire under his bum.

[gigiselle]

Wow!!! I feel like the mask has slipped and I'm living with a stranger.

[gigiselle]

I've never felt this unstable in my life. I feel angry at him and angry at myself at other times. I know I need to get a grip and maintain focus on what's at stake...financial matters only . But--I've been in a relationship with this man for 24 years. I'm not in denial anymore as to what's truly happening. I think getting as sick as I have been has definitely made things worse but--it actually helped cement in my head that I no longer have a partner. There have been days I've been so weak I had to wash myself sitting down in the tub because I could barely stand.

 

I can't sleep or eat. I've overly indulged in wine a few times and it didn't help...actually made me feel worse. I have a scheduled appoint with a therapist. The doctor gave me a sleep medication which I haven't tried....since I had had wine and was afraid. I'll try it tomorrow. I have to sleep at some point and I'm sure that'll make me feel better. I'm taking vitamins , drinking water and having protein shakes. I've lost ten pounds. Which is a good thing. I'm feeling better and realize I need to be there for me.

 

This is by far the hardest thing I've ever gone through. I hate feeling angry. But--I think it's unhealthy to deny myself the chance to complete the grieving process....I guess it's part of it. For the first time in my life I'm allowing myself to feel, act out or do whatever I need to do to get over this.

[gigiselle]

I dread the weekend. It is Saturday and I'm still not well enough to go out and my soon to be ex comes in and out at random. It is excruciatingly painful. I can't speak to him, touch him or be in any way part of his life. I wish we didn't have to reside under the same roof....its hard to break a habit of 24 years.