The end...I now understand

[gigiselle]

Thanks Lester! I will read it for myself. I evidently don't know how to take care of myself. I need to learn. I thought he had my back....but I need to learn how to have my own back first. It may sound odd but I feel relief. I feel I'm no longer hanging over a cliff.

[gigiselle]

The strangest thing happened after my husband hadn't spoken to me for almost 7 days. He had mostly been gone all weekend but still coming home ans sleeping in a separate bedroom. The one convo we had he said he felt bullied into going to MC, readings and prayer. After that I no longer contacted him. After all he didn't want to work on the marriage. Well-Sunday I had an episode where he came home and found me semi-conscious. He panicked and called an ambulance. It was mostly a glucose problem. I do take medication for it. I was released very soon afterwards. When we got home he wouldn't stop caressing and kissing me. He said he thought I was dying and said he couldn't envision a life without me. He moved his things back into the bedroom and agreed to MC, readings and prayer. I appreciate it but I'm afraid that a a knee-jerk reaction due to the incident . He says all he wants me to do is trust him. He is extremely conflict-avoidant and I fear when we go to MC he will not be able to handle it. We are going on vacation next week and I'm hoping this will soften the tension and start us back on the road to recovery.

[Lester]

"He says all he wants me to do is trust him."

- Trust is built with time and complete openness.

 

Secret phones, leaving for day(s) on a whim, the silent treatment, sleeping in other rooms and abusive refusal to acknowledge you are his wife are on one side to the teeter totter, his simple/superficial words and acts last weekend are on the other..., do you really think this returns the teeter-totter to some sort of balance?

 

Do you really think another outing, (2015's failed band-aids) is going to make a difference?

 

 

You read Dobson; if he was sitting in front of you, what do you think he would tell you to do?

[gigiselle]

"He says all he wants me to do is trust him."

- Trust is built with time and complete openness.

 

Secret phones, leaving for day(s) on a whim, the silent treatment, sleeping in other rooms and abusive refusal to acknowledge you are his wife are on one side to the teeter totter, his simple/superficial words and acts last weekend are on the other..., do you really think this returns the teeter-totter to some sort of balance?

 

Do you really think another outing, (2015's failed band-aids) is going to make a difference?

 

 

You read Dobson; if he was sitting in front of you, what do you think he would tell you to do?

 

You are echoing my feelings about this. The difference between now and then for me is that I require proof. I'm getting Dobson today. I didn't want to get it on Kindle as it is suggest that you read it on your own. He resents me for not trusting him..... But--this is my last shot at this. I tried to explain that is impossible to trust someone who can give you the silent treatment for 7 days. Initially he'd do it for a day, then 2...then seven. He teeter- totters. I seriously have no idea what he'd tell me to do. It's been hot/cold. I have been wrong in giving him attention during the silent treatment. I won't do this without marriage counseling...if he bails, then I'll have my answer. I'm hoping maybe our vacation(it's a nature based one) will provide some time for reflection, and tranquility. I've spend so many wonderful years beside this man. He's always had some issues as I'm sure I have mine.

[Lester]

Oops, I though you did, and yes, you never want him to see this book.

 

I try to fill in while you get the book.

 

1. Infidelity is what's causing your current marriage problems.

At this juncture, him agreeing to your suggestions for counseling/other is likely just a delay tactic.

 

2. You must find out what he wants to do and if you agree.

Only mature face to face, where your willing to set him free will do. Anything other than that is just a waste of time and a farce.

 

 

Ps, It was a mistake letting him back into the bedroom, touching, sex and everything a normal person would expect in a genuine marriage. (You are currently in a non-genuine marriage)

[gigiselle]

Oops, I though you did, and yes, you never want him to see this book.

 

I try to fill in while you get the book.

 

1. Infidelity is what's causing your current marriage problems.

At this juncture, him agreeing to your suggestions for counseling/other is likely just a delay tactic.

 

2. You must find out what he wants to do and if you agree.

Only mature face to face, where your willing to set him free will do. Anything other than that is just a waste of time and a farce.

 

 

Ps, It was a mistake letting him back into the bedroom, touching, sex and everything a normal person would expect in a genuine marriage. (You are currently in a non-genuine marriage)

 

I wrote him a letter telling him I'm willing to let him go. I handed it to him but-it was face to face. The reason I wrote it is because I didn't want to be interrupted. In it I stated there's no shame in reaching that point of not wanting to be married. That I'll still treat him with respect and not try to take advantage. But--if he's agreeing to marriage counseling now and initiating prayers for us couldn't it be possible he's changed he's mind? I definitely agree I can let him go. I want better and this cold/hot thing must stop. The delay tactic thing has been on my mind a lot.i also think he could be feeling badly and experiencing guilt and do this things to prove he tried....no problem. Last years taxes reflect more than he actually makes due to his company being bought out. I'm keyed in and changing my behavior. I have zero interests to I pursuing a relationship if he won't initiate and I'm certainly not trying to beg he has faith in us.

[gigiselle]

He keeps telling me he doesn't want a divorce... I've asked him all the pertinent questions and he says one thing but does another. Are you still in love with me? LOL...all those questions that only have one answer. But--I can't for the life of me reconcile the silent treatment...and for that length of time. That was a turning point for me. I'm not going to ever contact him if he does it again...I feel like a darn fool for doing it. I stopped after a while. I'll file for divorce if he ever dares do this again. I think it's a form of emotional terrorism. I'm never allowing anyone that kind of power over me again. I couldn't even eat....but--he was drinking, sleeping, eating and going on outings....I'm know putting myself first. There's not a single person that should ever tolerate that.

[Wiseman2]

Sorry but I would not threaten this or do this as a scare tactic, it becomes like crying wolf and is tuned out. The only way you will win the respect you are looking for is to mean what you say and say what you mean and proceed with dignity.

I'll file for divorce if he ever dares do this again.

[gigiselle]

It's not a scare tactic. It's simply a deal breaker for me. It's unnecessary and was never resorted to prior to two years ago. I understand people need a cooling-off period when they get upset but--this is not what this is. Seven days....and during this time he takes off, shuts off the phone, etc....yep...a deal breaker.

[Wiseman2]

Maybe you should stop trying to fix it so forcefully, if it's only causing more stress/resentment? Are you more religious than he is? What do you mean by 'prayer and readings' to fix your marriage?

 

The vacation may provide you with an opportunity to just relax. Take a vacation from trying to fix him/your marriage.

he felt bullied into going to MC, readings and prayer.We are going on vacation next week and I'm hoping this will soften the tension and start us back on the road to recovery.

[gigiselle]

Maybe you should stop trying to fix it so forcefully, if it's only causing more stress/resentment? Are you more religious than he is? What do you mean by 'prayer and readings' to fix your marriage?

 

The vacation may provide you with an opportunity to just relax. Take a vacation from trying to fix him/your marriage.

 

I wouldn't call myself religious....but I do believe in God. I was actually not raised going to church...he was. He's family is very religious. I meant reading on how to improve communication. We had one other single instance similar to this about a decade ago and that really helped us. But--that's precisely what I'm saying. I feel as though I'm driving any attempt at improving this. If that's the case I feel I can let him go. I've flat out asked him if he would be ok with me filing today and he said no. He's moody and perhaps it's just a middle age thing...I don't enjoy this push-pull thing..it hasn't been a recurring theme in our marriage. Before 2 years ago he never went upstairs for day or ever, , stayed at a hotel overnight, shut-off his phone, etc. this is the part I can't take...I am pulling back. It's felt like I was hanging over a cliff. I'm exhausted.

[Wiseman2]

Sorry, but these type of innuendos/threats aren't helping. Stop trying to fix it. It's like digging and picking at a wound making it worse by obsessively trying to make it better. Relax.

I've flat out asked him if he would be ok with me filing today and he said no.

[gigiselle]

It wasn't innuendo. I flat out asked because he's behavior and lack of communication made me wonder if he wanted that. I wondered if he just wanted a divorce but felt incapable of initiating it. I was willing to do it if he said yes. He was the one throwing the word divorce around...and many men aren't the ones to initiate these proceedings....statistics tell us that. I do feel amped up due to last week.

[Wiseman2]

We both know throwing that word around is just pulling out the nuclear weapons of marital wars. The push-pull feel comes from one minute threatening to nuke the marriage and the next suggesting counselling, reading, prayer, whatever.

 

Decide whether to fix it or nuke it rather than alternate 'suggestions' but actually do neither.

I wondered if he just wanted a divorce but felt incapable of initiating it

[gigiselle]

We both know throwing that word around is just pulling out the nuclear weapons of marital wars. The push-pull feel comes from one minute threatening to nuke the marriage and the next suggesting counselling, reading, prayer, whatever.

 

Decide whether to fix it or nuke it rather than alternate 'suggestions' but actually do neither.

 

The way I see it is one day I was love bombed and the next I was given a divorce threat so---I had to ask if that's what he desired because I clearly couldn't understand the message. I don't continually request all these things for our marriage...months go by. I was my way of saying we need outside help. There are things that have affected my trust. In 24 years together I've only asked the divorce question once. I'm staying put but I still don't understand what's happened. I do feel resentment and that is something I'm trying to understand.... I know I must let go of that even if we don't stay together. I think he's indulged himself in great extravagances as far as some things that have happened, and it's made me feel taken for granted...

[Lester]

Learning anything takes time and practice. Understanding infidelity and how to deal with is no exception..., except for one thing.

You have to learn while your guts are being torn out.

 

That said,

Until you read and understand Dobson's the yo-yo effect will continue.

 

 

Some freshman level, infidelity 101:

 

You - Talking, writing, bargaining, appeasing, hoping, wishing, dreaming, chasing, suggesting, asking, flip-flopping, fretting, stomach sick, losing weight, pale skin, sunken cheeks, insomnia, etc., etc., etc.

 

Him - Thinking about her eyes/other and making plans to meet.

[gigiselle]

Learning anything takes time and practice. Understanding infidelity and how to deal with is no exception..., except for one thing.

You have to learn while your guts are being torn out.

 

That said,

Until you read and understand Dobson's the yo-yo effect will continue.

 

 

Some freshman level, infidelity 101:

 

You - Talking, writing, bargaining, appeasing, hoping, wishing, dreaming, chasing, suggesting, asking, flip-flopping, fretting, stomach sick, losing weight, pale skin, sunken cheeks, insomnia, etc., etc., etc.

 

Him - Thinking about her eyes/other and making plans to meet.

 

I'm definitely trying to understand....for myself now. All I was doing was behaving reactively...I'm probably behind the learning curve still. But--I won't reach out if he doesn't meet my needs....not in an effort to project a desired response or stir his head in a different direction but simply because I also have my needs....they must also be met and I'm not ignoring them anymore. If he can't come to terms with this the it is on him not me. I'm not the only one who has responsibilities to PROTECT our bond....if he chooses to flush it down...I won't stop him. I'm not trying to teach him lessons...I'm ready for my own well-being.

[gigiselle]

At some point I learned he was creating undue chaos to sneak out and have a good time. I'm not his mother. It took me a while to catch on....I'm quite disgusted.

[Wiseman2]

Interestingly, that is a frequent tactic.

At some point I learned he was creating undue chaos to sneak out and have a good time.

[gigiselle]

For me a big clue was how things resolved by Sunday....before the weekday started. Not- that they would resolve right away but it was when he came home. Things usually started "Brewing" by Thursday or Friday...he would give me an "opportunity " to communicate with him by Sunday...ugh..I would attribute things to a misunderstanding .

[Lester]

I'm glad, I mean, I'm really glad you keep coming back to us. I know how hard this is for you, I mean, I really know how hard this is for you!

To your credit, most bale by now. Understanding something, I mean, really understanding something can be a really scary place..., you're hanging in there!

 

I'm proud of you!

 

 

Infidelity lesson two:

It's not about him.

 

Your power is coming..., don't confuse it with anger.

 

 

PS, A friend who's been where you are!

[gigiselle]

Lester you were right. I didn't want to believe it. He lied to me about having an annual doctors appointment. He did that because it would allow him hours of time he didn't have to account for...also right before lunch since I don't ever attempt to contact during lunch or work-out time. So he had several hours of time...but--his M.D. Office called to remind him of his annual appointment. I thought it weird because he had told me he had one the last month. He told me he was experiencing new issues but didn't want to worry me...he was lying! I looked at the claims statements and he hadn't been to his doctor since last year!! When I confronted him, he of course denied it and said he was filing for divorce . I guess all it takes is a wife confronting lies L.O.L. I'm ready this time...

[Lester]

"...and said he was filing for divorce."

- How did you react to that. What did you say?

 

Did you ever get/finish Dobson?

[gigiselle]

"...and said he was filing for divorce."

- How did you react to that. What did you say?

 

Did you ever get/finish Dobson?

He tells me that whenever I dare confront him. The difference now is I don't care anymore. I started keeping a journal for my own sanity and it has proven very useful. He moved into another room last night. He tried to lie to me again saying I didn't remember correctly and yep threatened me with divorce. I'm no longer playing this game. I deserve better. I refuse to argue or chase or plead for our marriage. It's been painful....all the gaslighting. I'm no longer sticking my head in the sand. And yes...I'm not done with the book but I've been reading it for me.

[Lester]

Unless you were always a journal keeper; it's another reaction to the shock, pain and fear of the future.

If reaction, don't keep dates or times. Never let anyone see it and plan on it's proper disposal once you get your head in the right place.

 

The right place:

- Set him free.

 

This is where all you power will come from.

Once there, you will have no need evidence, talks, props, etc.

 

You will be happy he's found what he wants.

This in turn will set YOU free.

 

btw,

I, like you, did and tried all the reactionary stuff. It all failed.

Only when I mentally gave her up did things start to change.

 

You must remember; you don't own him. Never did.