The end...I now understand

[gigiselle]

This is normal and will make everything much worse for you.

These types of guys can spot you across a football field.

 

That's why I didn't even mAke eye contact. I know this. Still--I was having an awful day and this person managed to make me feel better....sad but true. It was ego boost. My husband left to another bedroom because I confronted him with yet another lie. He won't admit to it...my punishment is abandonment. What else can I do but file for divorce?

[gigiselle]

When was this?

Last week.

[gigiselle]

Lester:

I don't want a divorce!! But--I think he feels way too entitled. I know I played a big role in this. I feel as ashamed as to the way I've reacted. I don't think he respects me anymore .

[Lester]

Knowing what you want to do is the first step.

That's not to say you will be successful, but instead, you have a goal.

 

Next, the actions needed to save a marriage are almost identical to divorce..., and can still end in divorce. (Sorry, but there are no guarantees in marriage or life.)

The difference is, you are in control and methodically/unemotionally taking each step needed to set him free.

 

 

Reread all replies, and then honestly grade your reaction(s) to the advice.

Did you outright ignore it? Did you disbelieve and fall back into your routines of confusion, hysteria more empty halfhearted declarations?

 

 

Marriage is of free will, but you keep refusing to accept that.

Until you do, you will be at the mercy of his vow warping.

 

 

btw,

My wife was secretly talking to my best friend for hours each day.

I, like you, instinctively did all the reactionary stuff too.

 

IT FAILED!

And it's failing for you too!

 

I changed, accepted and began the process of setting her free.

She sensed it, (strength), immediately got scared, and began to move back in my direction. (The games were ending and she was losing something important.)

 

That was just the beginning. (The start of our new vows)

[gigiselle]

Knowing what you want to do is the first step.

That's not to say you will be successful, but instead, you have a goal.

 

Next, the actions needed to save a marriage are almost identical to divorce..., and can still end in divorce. (Sorry, but there are no guarantees in marriage or life.)

The difference is, you are in control and methodically/unemotionally taking each step needed to set him free.

 

 

Reread all replies, and then honestly grade your reaction(s) to the advice.

Did you outright ignore it? Did you disbelieve and fall back into your routines of confusion, hysteria more empty halfhearted declarations?

 

 

Marriage is by free will, but you keep refusing to accept that.

Until you do, you will be at the mercy of his vow warping.

 

He sent me an e-mail telling me he filed for divorce. He could no longer take being confronted with his lying.

[Lester]

If he did..., good.

It saves you a lot of hand-wringing.

 

Either way, do not respond to it and stay on your own path.

 

When he talks to you, and he will, calmly ask him how many days he thinks he needs to get out of the house.

 

Don't be surprised at his reaction.

[gigiselle]

My God I'm hurting so badly. But--in a way I'm glad it's over. I'm all over the place right now. I know that ..

[gigiselle]

If he did..., good.

It saves you a lot of hand-wringing.

 

Either way, do not respond to it and stay on your own path.

 

When he talks to you, and he will, calmly ask him how many days he thinks he needs to get out of the house.

 

Don't be surprised at his reaction.

 

He won't talk to me. He did manage to screw me 4 times last week though. I let this happen. He has no conscience. He e-mailed me to tell me he dad filed for divorce.... He simply couldn't face me. 24 years and I get an e-mail.

[Lester]

The email is okay.

You need to take it to an attorney today.

[gigiselle]

The email is okay.

You need to take it to an attorney today.[/QUOTLl

I seriously can't today...I'm a wreck. But--I have an appointment

[Lester]

Don't waste time thinking about what he says.

 

Being a wreck is normal. Action steps will carry you through it.

 

btw,

I contacted another advisor who has the skills/tools you may need from now on.

[Wiseman2]

Do you have an attorney? At least he made a decision so you don't have to but as the 'defendant' now in the divorce you will need a very good attorney. At least the denial is over with.

He sent me an e-mail telling me he filed for divorce. He could no longer take being confronted with his lying.

[Jibralta]

He sent me an e-mail telling me he filed for divorce. He could no longer take being confronted with his lying.

 

Good. You were taking too long. You were about to get lulled back into denial. You are still in danger of that.

[gigiselle]

Good. You were taking too long. You were about to get lulled back into denial. You are still in danger of that.

 

You're right !! After 24 years together I had a tough time wrapping my head around it. He filed for divorce and notified via-email. When I called him yesterday he asked," don't you read your e-mails?" Btw--we had sex 4 times last week. I promise that e-mail shocked me into reality. I have an appointment to see a lawyer next week.

[Wiseman2]

His attorney will contact you or your attorney. Stop having sex, negotiating, communicating,etc. Go through your lawyer. He is suing you for divorce. It's over.

I called him yesterday he asked," don't you read your e-mails?" Btw--we had sex 4 times last week

[gigiselle]

I did have a meltdown the first day. I was a pathetic mess of tears. I was in shock. Although, thinking back I don't know why. I'm not trying to communicate anymore. He filed and it's done. I wish he would stay somewhere else. It is horrible to hear him move about upstairs. He's been gone most of the day today and yesterday....that was a relief. I just laid around and watched movies. Tomorrow I'll start making a to do list.

[Wiseman2]

Once you get an attorney they will negotiate who stays in the residence. Lying around won't accomplish that.

He filed and it's done. I wish he would stay somewhere else.

[lostandhurt]

gigiselle,

 

I have read all your words in all your threads, not just this one. I see a lot of resentment on your part towards your soon to be ex husband. I also see confusion, disbelief and the desire and love for him which makes much of the resentment worse. Your thoughts and feelings have been in turmoil for some time but now you know what is going to happen. You are getting divorced and from what I am seeing he has done you a huge favor by finally telling you, well emailing you. I am not sure how he had sex with you when he obviously doesn't have any balls.

 

I know this will not be easy but you need to let go of the resentment, let go of the past and let go of what you think you deserve after all these years of marriage. You are now in the business of separating years and years of finances, property and past and future earnings. This is a business deal from now on with emotional baggage along for the ride. It will not be easy to do but you can do it.

 

Now that the big D is on the table will it help to place blame? Not really since most courts don't care one little bit. You know he was wrong and you know you tried and he continued like he is until you ended up here. Learning to accept the things you cannot change and recognize the things you can is huge right now in your life. You cannot undo what has been done and I don't think you should try. He has chosen his path and now you must choose yours. Do not let him dictate your emotional state, do not let him push you off the path you want to be on. You have complete control over what direction you will go and only how long it will take to get there is the unknown part of it all.

 

First things first. You need emotional support. Do you have friends or family you can talk to? Is there anyone in your home town you can sit with and talk it all out? It does help more than you know trust me. Once you are able to pour it all out you will feel better and will be ready to start choosing your path. Don't be alone, don't drink, don't be impulsive and above all else take the high road always throughout this whole thing. Your revenge will be a life well lived full of happiness and joy. Petty barbs and jabs lesson who you are inside so resist the urge please.

 

I see you have an appointment with legal counsel in a week or so. During this time you need to start getting financial information together which includes investments, copies of titles to all vehicles, life insurance policies, retirement accounts, his social security number, mortgage information, health insurance information and anything else you can think of. Also make a list of the contents of the house and spend some time getting values for them. Itemize it all because it all has value. 24 years is a lot of stuff to separate so take your time but keep busy with it so your mind doesn't wander. Be sure to take your camera into the garage and pull out very drawer in his toolbox and take a picture of all the tools and other items throughout the house. It can be a great digital reminder when you need to go over your list.

 

Emotionally you knew he was not the man you wanted to grow older with right? I know you hoped it would work out but I didn't see anywhere where you were IN LOVE with him any longer. Sure you loved him but that isn't the same. I hate to see any relationship end, especially one this long but there are times when things happen that push us to do what we should have done a long time ago. This is a scary time because you don't know what will become of you or what will happen but you have to believe you will be okay and one day soon even better and happier with him out of your life. This starts with faith that you can do this and that your willingness to make a better life for yourself will prevail and you will not just crumble without him.

 

Time to take good care of yourself. Eat right, go for walks after dinner, surround yourself with people that love you and always take the high road. It will pay off again and again.

 

Lost

[gigiselle]

I'm still in love with this man....I think. He has a very tender side. I spent the first two days crying my eyeballs out, day 3 feeling angry..but--by day 4 something happened and all I did what's think about how this marriage had been actually affecting I'm me. No crying. I feel better. It doesn't help I had Pneumonia when I got the news. But---I get the point now. I started thinking of all the things I won't miss and all the new things I'll embrace. I hate living here....so--I get to move. I'm learning a lot about myself like why did I sit on this, why did I follow him here? Why did I allow for things to get this bad without walking away. I dismissed a lot of very important details. He brought me food daily(since I had Pneumonia) after telling me via e-mail we were getting divorced...quite a contradiction.. he's no monster. But--I confronted him with lies he could t handle it....he prefers I had continued to stick my head in the sand....I guess I made it impossible since for him to enjoy a dual life. I don't know if he understands his troubles with confrontation but---I'm no longer willing to live with this. I'm afraid...I'm excited...

[gigiselle]

There's something terribly cold and unnatural about all this. He seems to have been able to cut off all connection after 24 years. No tears. No e-mails or convos but---he remains in the house. This is a man that can spend $500.00 on a dinner regularly. Why is he here? He can easily go elsewhere and I told him it'd make it easier on me. It's horribly cruel to me. He has to know it hurts but doesn't care. i can't stand the new indifference. No communication Ike I don't exist. Like we never existed as a couple. Yet...were sexually intimate four times the week before. There's something terribly cruel with this since he knows I still love him....wow---he doesn't care how badly I hurt...

[Wiseman2]

Yes. It's divorce. Once you get yourself to an attorney it can decided who resides where. Ask him to move out or move out yourself.

There's something terribly cold and unnatural about all this.He can easily go elsewhere and I told him it'd make it easier on me.

[lostandhurt]

gigiselle,

 

He avoids the reality because he knows it is hurting you. If you were consciously hurting someone you love what would you do so you could continue doing it? You would avoid them emotionally so you could justify your actions. People that hurt others and then get called out on it rationalize their actions but rarely own up to them. If they did they would have to admit that they are actually a bad person that is willingly hurting another.

 

Cheaters do this all the time as do people that steal and lie. They know what they are doing is wrong but they simply want what they want and will lie, justify, blame the victim and rationalize their actions to make it okay in their heads.

 

Just because you were intimate with him doesn't mean he is bonded to you still. He has been able to disconnect from you so his deeds (in his own mind) aren't so bad. Like the guy that cheats on his gf and gets caught and then tells everyone "I was going to break up with her anyways" as if that makes cheating less of a bad thing.

 

So you hung on longer than you now think you should have. Loving someone comes with a price at times and this is the price you have paid. Love Goggles blur the truth, they keep us from seeing what we just don't want to see or believe because we love them so much. You are not alone so don't beat yourself up because you wanted your marriage to work and you loved him enough to stick it out and try. There is no shame in that at all.

 

In about a year you will look back and realize you lost some of who you are in this marriage and you will also realize you have a new kind of happiness in your heart. Don't rush to these new places just let them find you as you head down your path of healing. It will happen just give it some time.

 

You are now going through the phases of grieving at the moment and when acceptance has found you totally you will clear your thoughts and your path will come into focus.

 

Right now you need to take care of yourself physically and emotionally. Do you have friends you can lean on? Family nearby?

 

Lost

[Jibralta]

Cheaters do this all the time as do people that steal and lie. They know that you think what they are doing is wrong but they simply want what they want and will lie, justify, blame the victim and rationalize their actions to make it okay.

 

I have modified the above sentence because I believe that concept of "right and wrong" never enters these people's mind except as an obstacle that needs to be addressed with the people that they are duping. The only time they ever consider "right and wrong" is when it is the only way to get something past a person who does have moral values.

 

For example:

 

Problem: I want to sleep with other women, but I also want to keep my wife. My wife will not like this arrangement and may leave me if she finds out.

 

Plan A: I'll lie to my wife so that she won't know. If she doesn't know, she won't be able to argue or take a moral high ground that could enable her to leave. I can keep sleeping with other women and keep my wife.

 

Plan B (wife suspects/finds out): I will contort myself into whatever shape my wife needs to see in order for her to believe that I'm innocent/repentant/changing/whatever. This includes but is not limited to prayer, therapy, special dinners, shopping sprees, sex, and saying anything she needs to hear until she is no longer interested in leaving. Then I can keep sleeping with other women and keep my wife.

 

Rinse and repeat.

[gigiselle]

Hi friends. I'm almost over Pneumonia and have a lawyers appointment tomorrow. It was tough to get all the documents together since I was so sick. It's all ready....missing some minor info still. I think he's willing To go at this amicably...at least it seems this way based on his attorney's correspondence. I have no intention to make this difficult. This all seems surreal to me. He still won't answer my questions...so we're moving on with divorce. I caved and had sex with him...blur I'm proceeding with divorce.

[gigiselle]

The fact remains he refuses to answer any of my questions. I can reach an amicable resolution with him but I can no longer trust trust this man. If I were to have backed down I bet I could remain married....I can't . I've seen him cry for the first time over our marriage. I wasn't impressed