The end...I now understand

[gigiselle]

Unless you were always a journal keeper; it's another reaction to the shock, pain and fear of the future.

If reaction, don't keep dates or times. Never let anyone see it and plan on it's proper disposal once you get your head in the right place.

 

The right place:

- Set him free.

 

This is where all you power will come from.

Once there, you will have no need evidence, talks, props, etc.

 

You will be happy he's found what he wants.

This in turn will set YOU free.

 

btw,

I, like you, did and tried all the reactionary stuff. It all failed.

Only when I mentally gave her up did things start to change.

 

You must remember; you don't own him. Never did.

 

That's where I am. I tried it all. I tried evidence, talks,...when I confronted him with a lie yesterday he moved into a different bedroom . I didn't try to stop him telling him this would be harmful to our marriage. I haven't texted or called. He had started praying and doing readings with me but---he won't admit to lying even with proof. When we got back from vacation(very next day) he cleaned his car and threw away my cosmetics in it(probably couldn't determine where they cane from). He lied to me about having a doctor's appt....I had a feeling he lied. Sure enough...I checked the claims and he hadn't been to that Doctor since last year. I started keeping a journal for my own sanity. He made me doubt mind at times. He's obviously deep into an affair. For a long time I just wanted to understand what was really going on. None of it made sense. Now...im just interested in what's going on with me. I need peace, I deserve to not have someone gaslight me, I deserve for someone to be as faithful as I am to me.....I deserve better. I'm no longer chasing, probing, trying, begging or whatever the hell I was doing. He's with me because he wants to keep all assets and still have a side-chick....of course he's satisfied . He gets to keep his stuff and keep me as an old comfortable slipper....I've made it so easy for him. I have set him free at last....it took me very long. I'm afraid of how I'll react when he does contact me....and he will. I shouldn't have to protect myself from those that claim to love me.

[Wiseman2]

Get your ducks in a row and consult an attorney before he does. Detach emotionally. Stop asking anything so you won't hear more lies. Get a safety deposit box at a different bank and a po box. Start corresponding with an attorney.

He's with me because he wants to keep all assets and still have a side-chick....of course he's satisfied

[Lester]

"I'm afraid of how I'll react when he does contact me....and he will."

- Once you truly free him, you will feel an immediate release, and be able to think again.

 

That's not to say there won't be sad or confusing days, instead, a release so you can think clearly.

Don't be surprised at his reaction once you do.

 

He's used to you being weak, your new strength and sense of direction will scare him.

For the first time in years, he's going to start thinking about you.

 

At this point, you must be prepared to answer the following question:

Do you really want to be married to him? (The pedestal you think he's standing on was built by you.)

 

If yes, keep reporting back. (Never tell him about this forum anything you are doing to save this marriage. Never access this forum from a machine he can get at. Once he feels your strength he will spy on you.)

 

If no, contact an attorney and file as soon as possible. LostandHurt and others can walk you through it. (I never divorced)

 

 

PS, Wiseman is, well, a wise man, but I don't understand the deposit box/po box advice.

Be careful with that..., it may be normal, but I just have never heard it before.

[Wiseman2]

Only in the event of contacting an attorney/filing for divorce. The correspondence should not go to the house obviously, nor should such correspondence/papers be kept around the house. Also in contemplating divorce opening a separate account in a separate bank is important. Any paper trail generated by contemplating divorce/consulting attorneys needs to be in a safe deposit box.

PS, Wiseman is, well, a wise man, but I don't understand the deposit box/po box advice. Be careful with that..., it may be normal, but I just have never heard it before.

[gigiselle]

Get your ducks in a row and consult an attorney before he does. Detach emotionally. Stop asking anything so you won't hear more lies. Get a safety deposit box at a different bank and a po box. Start corresponding with an attorney.

 

I stopped asking. I hope I don't have to move through the divorce....and if I did it wouldn't be this zip code. Yes...I have an appointment with an attorney. For the first time I think it's necessary....I'm ready.

[gigiselle]

Yes...I placed him on a pedestal. I'm terrified that I'll react and cave. I don't want to. I 'd rather be alone than ever have to endure this horrible pain again. But--I'm here. I'll get through it and live. I know that much. I find it difficult to understand why I didn't mean more to him. Why me dedicating my WHOLE life to our marriage wasn't enough....but it wasn't. It is what it is....

[gigiselle]

He came home...not a word. I'm no longer seeking...finding ways to repair it. I feel relieved but sad. I know I'll be ok but I feel terribly sad. I know one day I'll be home and not feel this way....I'm looking forward to this day.

[Wiseman2]

You will feel much better after this. You'll get the advice you need to quell your fears of leaving.

I have an appointment with an attorney. For the first time I think it's necessary....I'm ready.

[Lester]

"He came home...not a word."

- Don't worry, as you strengthen, these childlike manipulations will fall one by one..., and the words will come. Lots of them.

 

The marriage has been his terms for a long time. It's all he knows and has become used to it.

 

 

Btw,

I'm here to save marriages. Everything I've told you is to that end.

[gigiselle]

"He came home...not a word."

- Don't worry, as you strengthen, these childlike manipulations will fall one by one..., and the words will come. Lots of them.

 

The marriage has been his terms for a long time. It's all he knows and has become used to it.

 

 

Btw,

I'm here to save marriages. Everything I've told you is to that end.

 

This is all so true. But--in a way my fault. I taught him well. I no longer want a marriage on these terms. I think it's too late. But--I still don't want a marriage where I don't matter. I'm not texting, asking, pleading.....still part of me says he had turned around....he was praying with me, reading with me. But--he won't admit to lying. It's as if I can let it go I can have " a marriage ". Otherwise it's done. That's something I can't live with.

[gigiselle]

I can't just forget. He threw away my cosmetics in his vehicle because I'm SURE he didn't exactly know who they belonged to or he wanted to erase all evidence of me for the O.W. I can't live this way anymore.

I'm proud of myself in a way for no longer sticking my head in the sand..but the pain is horrible...he doesn't care. I'm the only one wanting to save our marriage.

[Jibralta]

You have to be strong. Just take a deep breath and keep moving forward. What did Winston Churchill say? "If you're going through hell, keep going."

[Wiseman2]

Why are you doing this if it's a sham? He wants to save the marriage more than you do, if it's on his terms and he doesn't have to worry about the consequences of divorce. It sounds like you are angry, but just keeping silent with the status quo.

still part of me says he had turned around....he was praying with me, reading with me. I'm the only one wanting to save our marriage.

[gigiselle]

Why are you doing this if it's a sham? He wants to save the marriage more than you do, if it's on his terms and he doesn't have to worry about the consequences of divorce. It sounds like you are angry, but just keeping silent with the status quo.

 

I think I lied to myself before. I wanted so badly to believe. But---something happened (not sure at what point ) and I simply don't anymore. I think it had a lot to do with his gaslighting. It's sad that I had to start keeping a journal to record what he was telling me...otherwise he'd tell me I had imagined it or I was wrong....it's wasn't as easy as my posts tell. He was still romancing me...telling me I'm the greatest love of his life and making love to me. I guess when you have loved a person for 24 years you want to believe there's something still there.

[gigiselle]

Thanks everyone. I'm writing here because I'm trying to keep myself from damaging myself further and writing to my husband. I'm no longer interested in maintaining the status quo. It hurts like HELL but I know I'll survive.

[gigiselle]

Thanks everyone. I'm writing here because I'm trying to keep myself from damaging myself further and writing to my husband. I'm no longer interested in maintaining the status quo. It hurts like HELL but I know I'll survive.[/quote

 

I feel like a pathetic idiot! I texted him 5 times today. He didn't respond once. He didn't call either.. There is something horribly wrong with me ...I need to get past the fact he doesn't care.i need to get it in my mind. I'm so pissed off at myself. I'm humiliating myself....nobody is doing this to me.

[Jibralta]

Oh no.

 

Get back on track.

[gigiselle]

I know...I must....I can. I need to divorce this man because I no longer feel loved or appreciated.

[Wiseman2]

What is with the 'praying together' and 'reading together' thing? Who is more religious and why is this being done? Are you still living together? Are there separate bedrooms? Do you both just give each other the silent treatment?

[gigiselle]

What is with the 'praying together' and 'reading together' thing? Who is more religious and why is this being done? Are you still living together? Are there separate bedrooms? Do you both just give each other the silent treatment?

 

I'm not religious but I do believe in a higher power. I wasn't raised that way but I have always prayed. Nobody ever taught me to do it either. He was raised religious. The readings are something that helped holly us the first time we had issues(about 10 years ago). and they proved very helpful at that time. We are still living together. He still says he loves me...but--he lies and I can't deal with that. He won't admit...I have loved him my whole life. I don't understand the need for lies...he moved into another bedroom. I'm giving it a couple of weeks and I'm filing for divorce. We had sex 4 times last week...btw. I'm no prude or holly roller

[Wiseman2]

What are these readings? What do you mean pray together and read together? Are you still doing that? Has he always had affairs?

He was raised religious. The readings are something that helped us the first time we had issues(about 10 years ago). and they proved very helpful at that time. We are still living together....he moved into another bedroom. He still says he loves me.

[gigiselle]

I know this makes me look bad but if made me feel good!!! So I went the store and a very good looking man tried to pick me up. I was wearing zero makeup. I made no eye contact(my habit as I am married). Still--he pushed. It felt good to good to have that kind of attention.

[gigiselle]

What are these readings? What do you mean pray together and read together? Are you still doing that? Has he always had affairs?

 

 

These readings are about marriage counseling . We had done them once in the past when our marriage was in trouble ....they proved succeeful at the time. I don't think he has always had affairs. I think he is going through a middle age crisis and is knee deep in affair fog.

[Wiseman2]

When was this?

still part of me says he had turned around....he was praying with me, reading with me.

[Lester]

I know this makes me look bad but if made me feel good!!! So I went the store and a very good looking man tried to pick me up. I was wearing zero makeup. I made no eye contact(my habit as I am married). Still--he pushed. It felt good to good to have that kind of attention.

 

This is normal and will make everything much worse for you.

These types of guys can spot you across a football field.