Girlfriend just ended things. I don't think there's any hope...

[Krankor]

So, about 5 hours ago my now ex-girlfriend called and ended it. She said "I can't be your girlfriend anymore." My first question was "is there someone else?" She said no, she just said that her interest has been waning for the past couple of weeks and that she just doesn't feel strongly enough about me. I called her a couple of times afterward. I didn't beg her to reconsider or anything, I just had questions and needed help processing. I did send her a few whiny texts but I just texted her one last time and said that I wanted to leave things on a positive note. I said that her decision hurt because I really thought we had a good thing going but that I respected it and want to wish her well.

 

We'd only been together for about 4 months, but it seemed way longer. We had a fling in the past and have known each other for years, and I think that's one of the reasons why it seemed longer. I really thought I had something with her. She seemed enthusiastic and was aggressive with me in the bedroom. Just a few weeks ago she said "I hope you are my last boyfriend. Please be my last boyfriend." She said she loved me. She said a lot of things and she recently asked me to take days off work in October for her father's wedding. I didn't know if she and I were going to last forever but I never thought it would be over so quickly. For maybe the past week I thought it seemed like she was distancing herself a bit but I wasn't sure.

 

I can't even begin to know what to do with this pain. I've had longer term things end and it didn't hurt so badly because at least I saw it coming and was checked out somewhat myself. Here I've just had the rug pulled out from under me. And the worst part is that I know there's nothing I can do if she just isn't feeling it. All I've done for the past few hours is pace the floor. I can't seem to distract myself with anything and have no idea what I should do next to start to get over this.

[SherrySher]

No fights or issues that you know of?? Seems odd that it just came out of no where. Normally there is a stronger reason somewhere, especially if the intimacy seemed good.

[Krankor]

No fights. I asked her several times if there is something more that she isn't telling me and she swears up and down that there isn't. She just said that the romantic connection had waned for her.

 

We both work overnights. She was at my house Tuesday night and told me that she wanted me to come to her house after work, presumably so that we could be together. Then she emailed me at work and said that she couldn't, that she was too tired. It seemed a little odd but I decided not to read too much into it. When she was at my house I asked if she was starting to pull away and she said no, she'd just been busy so "don't be so doom and gloom."

 

I don't know why, but I have a feeling that one or more guys have caught her eye and that she has decided that he/they seem more interesting. I don't know though.

[gypsybird87]

Ugh, I am so sorry. This is similar to what happened to me, and I know how bad it hurts. No fights, no drama... Everything was great including the sex. Then he briefly distanced himself, then he ended it, saying that a "spark" or "undefinable connection" was missing. After a year and a half. Yeah, okay....

 

Like your ex he said there's no one else. But like you I wonder if he got a case of the GIGS. But if so, I can tell you from experience, it's better to be dumped than cheated on. MUCH better.

 

Try not to let your mind go too crazy right now. This just happened and it's really raw for you. Remember that you were fine before you met her, and you will be again. Your world has been knocked sideways but have faith that it will right itself, and no matter what you will be okay.

[Itchy]

She's either a commitment-phobe, emotionally unavailable (these people come on strong and then withdraw as quickly) or there's someone else. Either way, it sucks to be in your situation and I would go no contact and move on.

[SherrySher]

Well let's just say she did meet someone else, she will more than likely not own up to it. But even if it really is a case of lack of interest or not feeling attracted, the outcome is the same, right? I am sorry you are being treated this way. But to save yourself more pain,NC and move on and try to heal.

[Krankor]

What I think is that she is emotionally unavailable. I think she's the type of woman who only wants what she can't have. Almost 4 years ago now, she made no bones about liking me and wanting me. I was in a relationship at the time. After I broke up with my girlfriend, we had our fling but I really wasn't into it because I was just out of a relationship. She was very into me then. Before we got back together, she was with a guy off and on for 3 years and tried to make it work with him, but he was never really available and she kept trying to make it work with him. When I came along wanting a real relationship with her, at first she was on board but then I think me being there for her and available turned her off. If she's this way, then I guess it's for the best. It's still a punch in the gut though, that's for sure. Thank God for that bottle of Scotch in my cupboard...

[Billie28]

It's really sad that people respond here making assumptions about this girl without any information other than what you have provided. Which is simply that she said she doesn't have strong feelings for you.

 

Accept her word. Why torture yourself with any other reason than what she gave you?

 

Just because she wanted you to be her last boyfriend, was simply her relating her desire to be in a long term relationship.

She liked you enough to want it to work but stood true her instinct.

 

There doesn't have to be a clear cut answer but if you want a clear cut answer it is simply she is not interested in you romantically.

 

Accept it for what it is and move on.

[Ms Darcy]

Having read your other threads, this doesn't surprise me buddy. I think I had mentioned some concerns about you actually being the rebound since she was actually with someone else when you first started talking again. I found that "but it has basically been over with him for a long time" stuff kinda crap. It didn't help that she met up with him again for the sake of closure or whatever while you were together. So, I think perhaps it's not that she's just overall emotionally unavailable (EU) but that she's EU right now because she's processing the end of the other relationship and a bit numb.

 

As a woman I also think the age difference played into her mind. How much? Who knows.

 

I am very sorry for things bud. Feel better.

[shiner501]

Ugh, I am so sorry. This is similar to what happened to me, and I know how bad it hurts. No fights, no drama... Everything was great including the sex. Then he briefly distanced himself, then he ended it, saying that a "spark" or "undefinable connection" was missing. After a year and a half. Yeah, okay....

 

Like your ex he said there's no one else. But like you I wonder if he got a case of the GIGS. But if so, I can tell you from experience, it's better to be dumped than cheated on. MUCH better.

 

Try not to let your mind go too crazy right now. This just happened and it's really raw for you. Remember that you were fine before you met her, and you will be again. Your world has been knocked sideways but have faith that it will right itself, and no matter what you will be okay.

 

This exact thing happened to me, discussed in my thread here:

 

Everything fine and I was dumped out of the blue. I took her back twice but she did it a third time and we're through...

[Wiseman2]

Sorry to hear this. I agree with this. It seems she may be a vine swinger as a sort of distraction, but never invests herself, as evidenced from her previous history.

What I think is that she is emotionally unavailable. I think she's the type of woman who only wants what she can't have. she was with a guy off and on for 3 years

[East4]

It looks like you were a rebound for her. I remember from your previous threads that she got together with you immediately after the end of her 3 year relationship. What you did to her the first time around when you were fresh out of relationship, she did to you the second time around. The score is settled, you were both rebounds to each other at two different times.

 

When you said that she had a face-to-face with her ex for closure, i remember telling to my self "hmmm, looks like unfinished business with the ex." When a woman completely over somebody and happy in her current relationship she wouldn't go meet an ex, whatever the excuse is. At the most a phone call, or a text, but that's it.

 

I know you are now at the lowest of the low, but after a few months I'm sure you will see the silver lining in this break up. In the grand scheme of things, your relationship would have been a very difficult one, due to the age difference. Your ex and you belong to two different generations with her being 9 years your senior. If one day you would want to have a child with her, this would have been impossible.

 

So, chin up, this too shall pass.

[shiner501]

Krankor, hang in there dude, I've been through the same thing. PM me if you like. It gets easier man, trust me.

[No1]

Sometimes you can make no mistakes and still lose. Thats life...

This would be a strange thing to say but take comfort that you have absolutely no control in what she does or wants. If you need closure just accept that she doesnt want to be with you anymore. Dont go back and rehash the past, you have to throw away all the past texts like Wish you were my last BF because it no longer matters. She wasnt lying, what she felt then and now are different and the reasons behind her thinking really doesnt matter.

I know its hard, but know that you will be okay. It sucks I know but now you have room in your life for someone better and before you say anything.. there IS better.

Chin up my friend.. you will be happy again.

[catfeeder]

I'm awfully sorry, and my heart goes out to you, Krankor.

 

This is the unfortunate but predictable outcome of most rebound relationships. Sure, it's not against the law to take such a high risk gamble, but the better option is always to tell such a potential lover that you want to preserve future possibilities by allowing them time to heal. Walk away while you both still think highly of one another, and in a few months, if she's still interested she can contact you to see if you're still available.

 

Otherwise, you can rush in to feed the high she'll get from leapfrogging from one relationship to another, but ultimately, time and familiarity will show her that she's exactly where she wasn't ready to be: in another relationship.

 

It doesn't matter how fabulous we are, when someone doesn't own a grounded and stable lens through which to view us, they'll ride their altered state into great sex and future talk and then... the bottom falls out and we hear the speech about how fabulous we are...

 

I hope your shock is short lived, and you'll make it a private goal to surprise everyone, including yourself, with your resilience and ability to bounce back from this to create a terrific future. Trust that if the two of you were ever a meant to be deal, she'll recognize that someday and you'll both meet on higher ground. You'll both just need to reach that place on your own.

 

Head high.

[Ms Darcy]

I would also suggest reading some of the past threads for a little more insight on the relationship if folks have time.

[Krankor]

I would also suggest reading some of the past threads for a little more insight on the relationship if folks have time.

 

Ms Darcy; I talked to a counselor today (yes, a real mental health professional, not some "dating guru") because I was struggling a little. He said that the concept of rebounds is largely a myth. He actually encouraged me to go out and find someone new as soon as possible to help get over her. He said that there is absolutely no measurable correlation between length of time between relationships and the success of relationships. In other words, if you're a week out of a relationship you have just as good a chance of your next relationship lasting as if you're 5 years out. It seemed odd to me, but he said the whole "taking time to grieve/get over the old relationship" thing is overrated. It's the new person that gets you over the old one.

 

I just thought it was interesting. I really don't think I was a rebound so much. I'm going to just take what she said at face value. It doesn't really matter anyway as the end result is the same. Although it still hurts a lot, I'm starting to accept the situation and feel a little better.

[No1]

Ms Darcy; I talked to a counselor today (yes, a real mental health professional, not some "dating guru") because I was struggling a little. He said that the concept of rebounds is largely a myth. He actually encouraged me to go out and find someone new as soon as possible to help get over her. He said that there is absolutely no measurable correlation between length of time between relationships and the success of relationships. In other words, if you're a week out of a relationship you have just as good a chance of your next relationship lasting as if you're 5 years out. It seemed odd to me, but he said the whole "taking time to grieve/get over the old relationship" thing is overrated. It's the new person that gets you over the old one.

 

I just thought it was interesting. I really don't think I was a rebound so much. I'm going to just take what she said at face value. It doesn't really matter anyway as the end result is the same. Although it still hurts a lot, I'm starting to accept the situation and feel a little better.

 

To me what he is saying is what guy friends say to one another... "The best way to get over a girl is to find another girl"

[Wiseman2]

I agree. You'll heal at any rate. Doing the monk route often just leads to voids and ruminating making people miserable and more vulnerable to backsliding. In her case she seemed more superficial in general and had the history of sizzle-and-fizzle relationships.

He said that the concept of rebounds is largely a myth. He actually encouraged me to go out and find someone new as soon as possible to help get over her

[Ms Darcy]

Ms Darcy; I talked to a counselor today (yes, a real mental health professional, not some "dating guru") because I was struggling a little. He said that the concept of rebounds is largely a myth. He actually encouraged me to go out and find someone new as soon as possible to help get over her. He said that there is absolutely no measurable correlation between length of time between relationships and the success of relationships. In other words, if you're a week out of a relationship you have just as good a chance of your next relationship lasting as if you're 5 years out. It seemed odd to me, but he said the whole "taking time to grieve/get over the old relationship" thing is overrated. It's the new person that gets you over the old one.

 

I just thought it was interesting. I really don't think I was a rebound so much. I'm going to just take what she said at face value. It doesn't really matter anyway as the end result is the same. Although it still hurts a lot, I'm starting to accept the situation and feel a little better.

 

Hmm, that's an interesting perspective from the counselor. I think some times you have to also look at things from the perspective of common sense.

 

Did he actually equate length of time out of a relationship with being classified as a rebound or not? In my humble opinion, "rebounding" is a more generic way of saying "transference" a lot of the time. So, one can transfer their feelings from one person (e.g. a boyfriend) to another person. That transfer doesn't need to happen on a timetable. For example, there was a poster whose bf broke up with her 2 years after their relationship started because as their relationship got more serious he started having a lot of confused and mixed emotions about his ex wife. He had been divorced for a year before they started dating.

 

Anyway, my point is, the real sign that someone is "rebounding" is when they haven't fully processed their previous breakup ... whether that was two weeks ago or two years ago. I do think timeframe from the end of a relationship is relevant to look at as a red or yellow flag that the person may be rebounding. In your case, she was still with her boyfriend when ya'll started talking again so that's a big red flag for an emotional transfer.

 

So, circling back to common sense. If you were dumped yesterday and immediately started dating girls today, do you think you would be ready for a long-term relationship? Common sense says no. Human beings need time to grieve and process. No one would tell a widower that there is no time limit on rebounding so go out on Match.com the day after your wife is buried. I do think it can be a different situation when you are the dumper if you wanted out and you had checked out. But you still want this girl back sooo ... yeah. Dating right now? If it doesn't feel right, don't do it.

[East4]

It seemed odd to me, but he said the whole "taking time to grieve/get over the old relationship" thing is overrated. It's the new person that gets you over the old one.

 

Excuse me Krankor, but how much do you pay for the "pearls" of this counselor? I think you'd be better off saving up the money.

 

How about you remind him that it took YOU time grief the previous to your current ex relationship. At the time you were not emotionally capable to appreciate your ex as a person because you were still dealing with getting over your previous break up. Your words.

 

I guess your counselor is happily married for the last 30 years, and the last time he had to break up with somebody was in high school.

[AR4]

No fights. I asked her several times if there is something more that she isn't telling me and she swears up and down that there isn't. She just said that the romantic connection had waned for her.

 

We both work overnights. She was at my house Tuesday night and told me that she wanted me to come to her house after work, presumably so that we could be together. Then she emailed me at work and said that she couldn't, that she was too tired. It seemed a little odd but I decided not to read too much into it. When she was at my house I asked if she was starting to pull away and she said no, she'd just been busy so "don't be so doom and gloom."

 

I don't know why, but I have a feeling that one or more guys have caught her eye and that she has decided that he/they seem more interesting. I don't know though.

 

This is pretty much exactly what happened to me a few weeks ago. I had been with her for about 8 months, everything was good. We had fun together, we rarely argued and there were no obvious issues. Then suddenly after a great weekend she comes out with "I don't see a future, Its nothing to do with you I just don't feel completely happy in my life."

 

It's been 3 weeks now and I still don't understand. I loved her and it's definitely the best relationship I've ever been in. So you know, what the hell happened?

[Krankor]

This is pretty much exactly what happened to me a few weeks ago. I had been with her for about 8 months, everything was good. We had fun together, we rarely argued and there were no obvious issues. Then suddenly after a great weekend she comes out with "I don't see a future, Its nothing to do with you I just don't feel completely happy in my life."

 

It's been 3 weeks now and I still don't understand. I loved her and it's definitely the best relationship I've ever been in. So you know, what the hell happened?

 

"B-itches be crazy," that's what happened. I'm sorry, I know that's not an answer, but that's what I'm going with...