Do oposites attract?

[Wolfshook]

My fwb has theory that 2 people that are different are better for relationship than 2 similair people.

 

I dont necesarily aggree, because I think it is important that people have the same basic expectations in their life, I believe it is good if 2 people have a bit different interests and that way they can compliment each other but they need to have similair view and expectations of life.

 

What is your opinion?

[Itchy]

It's not that black and white.

 

Two people can be opposites in terms of what hobbies and interests they have and two people can have similar interests, but if they do not have the same values when it comes to a relationship and if they don't want the same thing from a relationship then the relationship will not work.

[Lucia Amman]

It depends on where the differences lie obviously. I've had an very active partner in the past, he was sporting everyday, making music every weekend - and he wanted to go out too. He tried to gently push me into doing some sport myself but I never did any sport at all. It was hard to keep up with his pace and I often felt exhausted by his lifestyle. It just wasn't for me.

 

My current partner is way more outgoing than I am. I'm an introvert and he is an extrovert - actually come to think of it I've always fallen for extroverts. I guess I love that it compensates my desire to stay at home and hide under the blankets. They get me out of the house.

 

But for things like opinions, politics, religious beliefs and educational level I would opt for compatibility instead of 'opposites.' Which doesn't necessarily means you agree on everything or there can't be a slight difference in your preference for politic system or any of the others subjects I mentioned but it shouldn't be too wide apart. I think it would be rather unhealthy if you never would/could agree on the basic ethics and morals you strongly believe in.

[Hermes]

As Itchy just said "it is not that black and white".

[browneyedgirl36]

I have found myself to be MUCH more compatible with people who are more like me. My current boyfriend is very much like me -- not just in values, but in interests (we both love arts/literature, being outdoors, etc.), temperaments, etc., and we're both introverts. The only problems I can foresee for us -- we both get stressed out kind of easily. We're both worriers. As long as we're not both extremely worried at the same time, we should be OK, but...one of us has to be calm!

 

The people I have dated who have been very different from me, those relationships have never worked -- or even come close to working. Ultimately, I think values are the most important thing that needs to be shared, ultimately.

[greta96]

By any chance, are you and your fwb pretty similar? Is this her way of justifying why is she not interested in a relationship with you?

Like everyone else said - there's no rule. People of all kinds get together, some are similar some are opposite and some are everywhere in between.

[Seraphim]

I don't see the point in having a relationship with somebody who doesn't have common goals ,interests and core values .

[Hermes]

I would not want to be with a clone of myself!

 

Some shared interests yes, and also some not shared. I like individualistic people, with a good independent streak. Must be a well-adjusted and stable personality.

[Vegancatlady]

I agree with a few of these comments in that, some differences are actually refreshing.

But core values, ethics, beliefs, political views...for me it is important to have these in common.

My bf and I are both veggie/ vegan, quite liberal, fairly laid back.

But we have many differences too, things like taste in music/ food flavours/ emotional levels etc.

But our base values are the same. That is important to me.

[sara-pezzini]

I think the basic values should be the same and for everything else opposites can certainly attract as long as there is an interest to see each other's standpoint, an interest in each other's hobbies and so on.

My ex was my opposite,and in the end he just thought all my opinions and all my hobbies were stupid, weird,childish and so on.

Well you're gonna get dumped quickly then!

As long as there is respect and interest in and for each other it doesn't matter, but that's the important thing.

[Hermes]

Well-adjusted people can make anyone happy.

 

"The traits Dyrenforth looked at were extroversion, agreeableness, conscientiousness, emotional stability and openness to experience – often referred to as “The Big Five” by psychologists.

 

She found that people with high levels of all those characteristics were more likely to be happy with life in general and with their relationships. Emotional stability, in particular, seemed to be a crucial component for personal happiness.

 

More surprising to Dyrenforth was that a partner’s traits can also influence happiness. People who have spouses with high levels of agreeableness, conscientiousness and emotional stability were more likely to be happy in their relationships and with life as a whole.

 

As for sharing common characteristics? It didn’t seem to matter much, Dyrenforth found."

 

/

[Seraphim]

I agree with a few of these comments in that, some differences are actually refreshing.

But core values, ethics, beliefs, political views...for me it is important to have these in common.

My bf and I are both veggie/ vegan, quite liberal, fairly laid back.

But we have many differences too, things like taste in music/ food flavours/ emotional levels etc.

But our base values are the same. That is important to me.

I agree . My husband and I have the same ethics ,political views and beliefs. And our individual hobbies and friends may differ.

[shes2smart]

Opposites may attract....but getting them to stay together is a challenge....much like oil & water.

 

If you don't share enough basic similarities, everything will be fertile ground for disagreement, bickering or outright battle. From minor decisions like where to have dinner to major life choices like do we want to have children.

 

This does not sound like a particularly pleasant way to live.

 

How much is "enough?" I suspect that's a highly individualized amount that will depend on a number of factors...including how much a specific individual likes to argue. For me personally, the more similarities there have been, the better I like it.

[Hermes]

All of which brings us neatly back to the NEED to discuss approaches and outlook in depth BEFORE entering a partnership. As in, whether to have children or not, financial arrangements, views on family relationships, sexual matters, etc. The real practicalities of life.

 

This is IMO the most important component.

 

" Emotional stability, in particular, seemed to be a crucial component for personal happiness.

"

 

The opposite is:

"Emotional instability is a personality trait characterized by a lack of emotional control and emotional maturity and a tendency towards unpredictable and changeable emotions or moods."

[Wolfshook]

By any chance, are you and your fwb pretty similar? Is this her way of justifying why is she not interested in a relationship with you?

Like everyone else said - there's no rule. People of all kinds get together, some are similar some are opposite and some are everywhere in between.

 

We are pretty much totaly opposite. I dont think it was about us though,we havent talked too much about us and like I said we are too different in my opinion that I could be with her.

We were actually talking about our exes and how similair we were with them.

[Itchy]

"Emotional instability is a personality trait characterized by a lack of emotional control and emotional maturity and a tendency towards unpredictable and changeable emotions or moods."[/i]

 

This is me in a nut shell.

[mustlovedogs]

I think the only time opposites can really work is in the extrovert/introvert POV.

 

Take vegancatlady for example... if she were vegan and her SO wanted to eat red meat everyday... those are fundamental lifestyle differences. I can't imagine it working.

 

A devout Catholic with an atheist, a strong democrat with a strong republican... it all sounds so complex.

 

But, I would love a guy that likes going out a bit more than me. He would get me out of my shell. But if he went clubbing EVERY night it wouldn't work.

[Fudgie]

Agree with you mustlovedogs....extremes don't work. Also, couple has to agree on relationship goals (marriage? kids? finances, etc).

 

I know myself to stay away from partners with religious views (buddhism okay, no to everything else), partners who have or want kids, people who party a lot, people with alcohol/drug addiction problems, people who've had casual sex, etc. Honestly, makes it easy to cut people off. "Oh, you're into/have . Buh bye, good luck to you".

 

My boyfriend is more social than I am. He's also a nicer person as a whole and is a little more idealistic/optimistic without being a dreamer or a half wit, so I guess it works out well. I have a pretty dominant/independent personality.

[ParisPaulette]

I think it's this, you both need to have the same core basic values and you both need to be able to give the other one what they need in a relationship in general. Beyond that two opposites can live quite happily. My husband and I do, because he's an extrovert and I'm an introvert. I'm the practical one, he's the dreamer, etc. But in our values, our boundaries, how we handle things, and our love of having privacy and time to ourselves to do what we want-those things we're very much alike.

 

And it's a personal thing too. Some are really only comfortable around people like themselves. Other people need outside differences to keep them interested.

 

As someone else here said it's not a black and white, it's what you need that counts. And what makes you happy to be with the other person and have them enhance your life however that might be.

[Itchy]

I don't know why people let Politics get in the way of love. I never ever discuss Politics with anyone. Politics is a silly reason not date someone.

[Fudgie]

I don't know why people let Politics get in the way of love. I never ever discuss Politics with anyone. Politics is a silly reason not date someone.

 

Unless politics are important to you and your partner, and if you're on opposite ends of the spectrum...well, it can also point to deeper incompatibilities because your life philosophies are so different. How you view money, how to view people of different socioeconomic classes, how you deal with conflict, how you see the world, etc.

 

I've dated an ultra liberal before and I wouldn't do it again. I had a number of guys contact me on OLD who identified as "very liberal" tree-hugging vegetarian types. Been there, done that. I would not date again. I also have dated religious conservative and nope, wouldn't do that again either.

 

It boils down to "can I respect this person on a personal level if they believe x, y, z". And sometimes, no, you don't feel like you can. And that's fine.

[Itchy]

I don't really have any solid political opinions, so I'd rather talk about other things like Donald Trump's weird haircut.

[Hermes]

Same here Itchy. Cannot imagine anything more boring than discussing politics with a date/partner/spouse.

 

I just want to remark here that I do not believe in this thing of introvert/extrovert. The majority of people are a combination of both, or they are if they are well-adjusted. I love my alone time, and I think any half sane person needs some time each day on his or her own. Equally I like to socialize as and when required, I like people, I am outgoing, sociable, enjoy the rough and tumble of everyday living.

 

If someone were a vegetarian and I am not, I don't see the problem. I like vegetarian food, even though I eat meat and fish.

 

However a profile of the person I would have nothing to do with: alcoholic/druggie, flaky, unstable, moody, fundamentalist, hypocritical, narrow-minded.

[Seraphim]

Don't get too political or this will get shut down rather fast.

[Wolfshook]

I don't know why people let Politics get in the way of love. I never ever discuss Politics with anyone. Politics is a silly reason not date someone.

Lol,exactly, I'm highly involved in politics and political activism and I dont talk about it even with my friends (that are not into it). It is much more in politics than person with little interest understands and people usually follow some trend that their "idols" implanted into them.

 

It's dumb to let politics interfere with love.

All of which brings us neatly back to the NEED to discuss approaches and outlook in depth BEFORE entering a partnership. As in, whether to have children or not, financial arrangements, views on family relationships, sexual matters, etc. The real practicalities of life.

 

This is IMO the most important component.

 

" Emotional stability, in particular, seemed to be a crucial component for personal happiness.

"

 

The opposite is:

"Emotional instability is a personality trait characterized by a lack of emotional control and emotional maturity and a tendency towards unpredictable and changeable emotions or moods."

 

Do you have more sources on emotional instability? This reminds me a bit of my ex,and I would like to read more about it. This post opened my eyes in a certain way.