The Ups and Downs of Loving a Commitment-Phobe

[lostlove76]

It IS exhausting. Seriously. And honestly, every time I start to relax and feel like I can start trusting him, something happens. That says to me that's he's feeling the same level of closeness that I'm feeling (when things have been going really well for some period of time), and he freaks out and does something to screw it up by not calling or getting on the site. The female coworker was nothing he did, just my own anxieties and insecurities. But the not calling is surely him feeling freaked out and pulling back a bit. I just can't go through it again. He hasn't done that in over a month, if I'm recalling correctly. He's been being really good.

 

I'm feeling like he got on there because he knew I would see, and it's his way of sabotaging things for a moment. Making me mad and upset so that things get slowed down. He admitted that it scares him to death to feel this kind of love. That sounds cheesy and lame, I know, but I KNOW he means it - I know him well enough, I know his issues, I know his patterns. He really does get scared. I told him it scares me too, because it means you can get hurt, and he empathetically said "that's the thing!" This was just last week. Then he asked me to marry him. I think he is feeling overwhelmed and uncomfortable, so he jumped on there knowing I would see it. I predict that he won't call tonight. I know you don't believe me, and I only half believe it myself, but I'm seriously thinking now will be the time to end it if he doesn't call. I've been patient enough.

[lostlove76]

Well he didn't call last night, so I guess I'm done with him. I feel ridiculous even saying that, given how many times I've said it before, but it's how I feel in the moment. We'll see if it sticks.

 

It's so very hard to make the emotional transition from the intensity of last week, with all those loving feelings and deeply meaningful conversations, to now this. I don't know what goes on in his head that makes him do these pull-backs. He doesn't do it when I get mad or upset and fuss at him or question him; it's always when things are perfect that it happens. It's always right when I start to relax a bit and think that maybe I can trust him. It makes me angry that he would ask me to marry him on Thursday night, and then immediately do a pull-back. I really don't even know how to process it. I just feel stuck in a state of confusion and depression and resentment right now.

[annie24]

it might help if you write out all the things you are looking for in a partner, and all the things he does NOT bring to the table. First and foremost, he has issues with alcohol. he's unreliable. he doesn't come see you. he has shady coworkers. Try to keep the big picture in mind, what you want, and what he is offering.

[boltnrun]

He's going to call tonight or tomorrow night. He'll spend five hours on the phone with you while you fuss at him. He'll tell you over and over how much he loves you and that he's coming to get you next week.

 

You'll be happy again.

 

So, don't fret over this. You know for a fact he is going to call and you're going to be happy again for however long. It's a cycle, one that you should be very, very familiar with and used to. That's why you stay, isn't it? Because it's familiar and therefore comfortable.

 

So, again, don't be upset. He WILL call and he WILL tell you he loves you.

 

PS: This is not an endorsement in favor of this relationship. I've stated my opinion. BUT, I have read enough of your posts to know this upset is only temporary, and that it is an unending cycle.

[lostlove76]

it might help if you write out all the things you are looking for in a partner, and all the things he does NOT bring to the table. First and foremost, he has issues with alcohol. he's unreliable. he doesn't come see you. he has shady coworkers. Try to keep the big picture in mind, what you want, and what he is offering.

 

I've done this before, but I probably do need to do it again today. Thanks for the suggestion. Maybe it will help me feel less like I'm losing something.

 

He's going to call tonight or tomorrow night. He'll spend five hours on the phone with you while you fuss at him. He'll tell you over and over how much he loves you and that he's coming to get you next week.

 

You'll be happy again.

 

So, don't fret over this. You know for a fact he is going to call and you're going to be happy again for however long. It's a cycle, one that you should be very, very familiar with and used to. That's why you stay, isn't it? Because it's familiar and therefore comfortable.

 

So, again, don't be upset. He WILL call and he WILL tell you he loves you.

 

PS: This is not an endorsement in favor of this relationship. I've stated my opinion. BUT, I have read enough of your posts to know this upset is only temporary, and that it is an unending cycle.

 

Thanks so much for this. When I'm feeling this way, it honestly feels like he'll never call again. I start imagining that he's found someone else and that he's already forgotten me. I get so down in it that it's hard to feel like the cycle will repeat and that he'll indeed call again. But you're right, he always does.

 

Regardless.... I'm still upset that he even does this in the first place. I don't understand it. As much as I can tell myself that it's because of the alcoholism or his intimacy fears or whatever, it's still hard not to take it personally and feel like I'm somehow lacking. He made a few comments last week that makes me feel like maybe he's experiencing some insecurity right now. He said he went for a long walk mid-week to clear his head, because he had a bunch of $h on his mind. He told me he was sorry that he can't be the person I want him to be, and I asked what he meant, and he said "I'm poor. I have nothing to offer you." I asked if he was trying to talk me out of being with him, and he said no not at all. I told him that I don't care how much money he makes. He feels down on himself a lot, and I don't know if that's part of what causes the pulling back. But even if so, it still makes me angry. It's still selfish and cruel to ask someone to marry you and then not call for several days.

 

So if/when he does call, I'm not going to answer. I have nothing nice to say to him right now. He knows he's being a jacka$$, so it won't surprise him too much when I don't pick up the phone. IF he calls. Which I guess he will at some point. I just fear that he's going to drop me by never calling again, and oh how that would hurt.

[boltnrun]

Has it ever occurred to you that maybe he does this on purpose to get you to "fuss" at him?

 

You say he's super nice when you "fuss" at him and he pulls the disappearing act when you don't. Maybe he has some sick need for you to "fuss" at him in order for him to feel "love". And if you don't, he thinks it's not "love" so he pulls away.

 

I have an ex something like this (except to an extreme)...he told me I must not really love him because I didn't try to burn his house down or break his car windshield or obsessively go through his phone deleting all female contacts like his ex did. When his current girlfriend did succeed in burning down his house he said (with a big grin on his face) "I didn't realize she loved me so much!!"

 

So maybe he equates conflict with love. And if things are going too smoothly he thinks it must not be true love. So he pulls back, knowing when he does eventually call you'll "fuss" at him and he'll feel that "spark" again.

[lostlove76]

boltnrun:

 

Hmmmm. WOW, interesting theory. Maybe you're onto something. I'm quite sure that all of his past girlfriends probably chased after and got upset with him, because of the way he acts. So maybe he does equate that with love and interest. Because if someone didn't care, they just wouldn't even bother getting mad, right? There were times in the past when I "chased after" him, trying to fix whatever was wrong, and he just wouldn't talk to me. Maybe he got some sick pleasure out of watching me get so upset and trying so hard to fix some imagined thing that might be wrong. I quit chasing a loooong time ago, to the point where I won't even initiate a phone call. Which only leaves fussing at him when he does finally call again. Maybe that validates that I miss and love him. Most guys aren't going to sit there and let you fuss at them for 4-5 straight hours, yet he never hangs up on me. Just keeps apologizing and calling himself an idiot and saying how much he loves me until I finally relax and feel it again. Then I worry that he'll quit calling because I was so hard on him, but he always does, as if it doesn't even phase him. Then I'll try to be sweet and laid back for a while, and after a week or two of the good stuff, that's when he pulls back again. And he never has any explanation for why he's done it, other than that he's an idiot.

 

He really does have major self-worth issues. When he told me it scares him to love someone so much, and I said it scares me too because it means you can get hurt, and he agreed... I then told him I would never hurt him and that he can trust me. He asked how can he know, and how can I know, that he can trust me. A few times recently he's brought up how other girls like him, and I don't know if he was trying to make me jealous or what. He said me moving down there was going to break a lot of hearts, because there are girls that like him, but he doesn't give a $h!t about them. I got onto him for telling me that, and he said he was sorry, that he said the wrong thing. He's told me that everyone who calls his work tells him he has a sexy voice. It's like he's always trying to portray that he's desirable. And he's ALWAYS asking me WHY I love him. If I start saying "You're sweet, you're smart.." he'll interrupt me and tell me to say something that means something. When I start describing our connection, that's when he seems to feel happy and satisfied. He's told me he thinks he loves me more than I love him. Told me last week that he doesn't want me to know how much he loves me. He's asked me before why I never call him, and said that sometimes he waits me out (I don't know if he remembers that when I DO call, he doesn't answer).

 

So maybe this does all stem from him not feeling lovable, and needing that extra validation in whatever form. Me getting mad at him proves that I care. It's my gut feeling that he got on the dating site yesterday because he knew I would see and get mad at him. I can't know for sure, and I guess if he gets on again then that theory may be wrong. But that's what I suspect.

 

So maybe he felt vulnerable last week, then insecure, so now he's provoking me into getting mad to prove to himself that I care. So then what do I do about it, if that's where this is coming from?!?

 

Your ex sounds like an extreme, yikes, BUT.... I can somewhat relate, because I've always felt like if a guy doesn't get jealous or chase after me, he must not really care. I've had small moments of trying to make someone jealous, testing to see if they care. And when my guy calls and calls and calls as I sit there not answering, it absolutely validates to me that he cares and wants me.

 

This actually made me feel a tiny bit better, thank you. I really think you could be onto something. The more negative alternative that I've been telling myself - that he just suddenly quit loving me, or found someone else in the past two days - doesn't make a whole lot of sense.

[nutbrownhare]

Without going into the ins-and-outs and push-and-pull which seems to be a constant theme in this relationship... you seem to be far more interested in his mental state than your own. This is bound to lead to disappointment for you - that is, if you want a truly intimate relationship rather than the "Catch me if you can!" dynamics of this one.

 

You don't say much about the rest of your life, your work, your hopes, your dreams, your friends... but if you are to be happy, you need to start taking care of yourself, and let the relationship take care of itself. If you can become healthily 'selfish' and recognise that he's only a part of your life, your relationship will either improve or it will end. This does not at all mean that you need to finish it; in fact, if you do - you'll either go back or find another, equally unhealthy one. At the moment it is taking up too much of your energy for you to be free to be yourself, and you are trapping yourself in this exhausting cycle.

 

He's an alcoholic. They play games; it goes with the territory. They also come out with a load of **** they don't mean, in order to ease difficult situations. That goes with the territory, too. Please educate yourself about the alcoholism, rather than being preoccupied with his feelings for you - which are always going to be secondary to the alcohol. Realise that planning a future which depends on him being consistent and reliable is like building a house on a cliff edge, and recognise that doing so is a conscious choice you are making.

 

You can continue on this merry-go-round for years, during which time you are effectively preventing yourself from finding a relationship which stands a chance of actually succeeding!

[lostlove76]

nutbrownhare: Thank you for the input! My thoughts on some of what you said:

 

You don't say much about the rest of your life, your work, your hopes, your dreams, your friends... but if you are to be happy, you need to start taking care of yourself, and let the relationship take care of itself. If you can become healthily 'selfish' and recognise that he's only a part of your life, your relationship will either improve or it will end. This does not at all mean that you need to finish it; in fact, if you do - you'll either go back or find another, equally unhealthy one. At the moment it is taking up too much of your energy for you to be free to be yourself, and you are trapping yourself in this exhausting cycle.

 

I really don't know if I CAN concentrate on other parts of my life while I'm stuck in this cycle. Because like you said, it takes up so much of my energy. I feel like if things were good with him, if I felt secure with him, then I would feel secure enough to turn my attention elsewhere when need be. When we first met, when he was being consistently available in the beginning and before I got hooked into this cycle, I did have other things I was focused on. It's the insecurity about the relationship that keeps me 100% preoccupied with it at all times. So unless things improve with him for a significant period of time, I don't think I'll be able to let it be only a part of my life. Maybe others could, but I can't. Which just goes to show that I need to end it, right?

 

He's an alcoholic. They play games; it goes with the territory. They also come out with a load of **** they don't mean, in order to ease difficult situations. That goes with the territory, too. Please educate yourself about the alcoholism, rather than being preoccupied with his feelings for you - which are always going to be secondary to the alcohol. Realise that planning a future which depends on him being consistent and reliable is like building a house on a cliff edge, and recognise that doing so is a conscious choice you are making.

 

I don't know why I remain so naive about the role of his alcoholism in all of this. I guess because he is so highly functional, and so sweet and lovable while drunk, that I fail to see it as a problem. It's hard for me to see that the alcoholism is causing the inconsistency and unreliability. If he manages to be so functional about work and such, why can't he be functional in a relationship? He makes it to work on time, every single day. So why can't he call me consistently? Or come get me? I totally get what you're saying, and others have told me the same. I'm just being honest by saying that I haven't quite yet grasped the gravity of the problem. I'll admit that.

 

______________________________________________

 

Just a mini-update:

He did call tonight, and I didn't answer. He called twice and then texted, "You asleep?" as if he doesn't even realize there is a problem. This is what makes me doubt myself. Is three days of not talking really all that bad? Was him logging into the site just once really all that meaningful? But to ME, it causes all kinds of doubts and upsets. I've spent the past couple of days dwelling on the fact that he keeps promising to come get me and doesn't follow through; being paranoid that he's met someone else; feeling confused about why he does this over and over again. This is what these days-long periods of not talking does to me. So when he does finally call, I'm not at all feeling the loving feelings. I'm feeling completely doubtful and detached. So I just didn't answer. Because I don't know what to say to him right now. I don't want to waste energy fussing at him for several hours.

 

Not really sure where to go from here. Just feeling sick of the whole thing, despite how much I love him and wanted it to work out.

[nutbrownhare]

I really don't know if I CAN concentrate on other parts of my life while I'm stuck in this cycle. Because like you said, it takes up so much of my energy. I feel like if things were good with him, if I felt secure with him, then I would feel secure enough to turn my attention elsewhere when need be.

 

This thinking is completely upside down and inside out. The moment any of us makes our own wellbeing contingent on another's behaviour, we are lost. You, and you alone, are responsible for taking care of yourself. It is not his job to make your life good or secure - it's yours. And that's never going to happen while you're relying on someone who's inherently unreliable.

 

If you have more of a life outside the relationship, your perspective on whether to leave or stay will change. Or, to put it another way - HE is not the problem, and leaving him is not the solution. If you were to end it, you'd either go back or find another unhealthy relationship.

[lostlove76]

This thinking is completely upside down and inside out. The moment any of us makes our own wellbeing contingent on another's behaviour, we are lost. You, and you alone, are responsible for taking care of yourself. It is not his job to make your life good or secure - it's yours. And that's never going to happen while you're relying on someone who's inherently unreliable.

 

If you have more of a life outside the relationship, your perspective on whether to leave or stay will change. Or, to put it another way - HE is not the problem, and leaving him is not the solution. If you were to end it, you'd either go back or find another unhealthy relationship.

 

So are you saying that you think I should stick with him? That if I can focus on other parts of my life, that the relationship will then be successful? I do get what you're saying in some sense - that I can't make him or the relationship responsible for my own well-being. I get that part, completely. But do you think this is fixable? You say in one sentence that he's inherently unreliable, but then you say that leaving him is not the solution. I guess you're saying that if I were emotionally healthier and more well-rounded, I would then not want him. But what do I do in the meantime? Just hang on while developing myself and other parts of my life?

 

i guess I just want to know if anyone thinks this thing is salvageable, or if need to drop him immediately. It sounds to me like you're saying not to drop him, but to work on myself while with him and then decide. Please correct me if I'm not getting it

[nutbrownhare]

I guess you're saying that if I were emotionally healthier and more well-rounded, I would then not want him. But what do I do in the meantime? Just hang on while developing myself and other parts of my life?

 

i guess I just want to know if anyone thinks this thing is salvageable, or if need to drop him immediately. It sounds to me like you're saying not to drop him, but to work on myself while with him and then decide. Please correct me if I'm not getting it

 

Precisely! If you leave him now, considering 'where you're at', you'll either get back with him or you'll find someone equally unavailable - with all the damage to your self esteem that will entail. You need to get on with your own life, no matter what, get more emotionally healthy yourself through therapy, attendance at Alanon or whatever - and then, as you say - decide.

 

You are never going to have a healthy relationship with an addict, period. The healthy relationship starts with yourself, and at the moment you're looking to him to be the source of good things in your life. This never, ever works.

[lostlove76]

Well he got on the dating site again last night. So I sent him a text saying that I saw him on there, told him that's why I didn't answer the phone the night before, told him I hate him and that he disgusts me. Told him he just lost his best friend and the love of his life, and that I hoped it was worth it for him.

 

I'm SO mad. I don't understand why he would get back on there after staying off for over a month. Maybe he freaked himself out last week with all the marriage talk, I don't know. I'm feeling paranoid that he got on there to make me end things with him. But if that was the case, then why even call me Tuesday night?

 

I was watching it, just waiting for him to get on again, and ready to end things the second he did. I obviously put up with a lot of crap, and I give way too many second chances. But cheating is the one thing I absolutely will not stick around for. I gave a second chance last time about the dating site, because he quit getting on there immediately when I called him out on it. But there won't be a third chance on that.

 

I'm sure it's for the best. He was never going to man up and actually come get me. I probably would have still kept going with the phone calls as long as he didn't take another extended break of not calling, as long as he didn't cheat, and as long as he didn't get on that stupid site. But the site gave me reason to drop him and quit getting strung along.

 

It's going to hurt doubly bad if he doesn't even try to call and fix things. I'll ignore if he does. But I still wish he would at least try, because if he doesn't, it really just shows he doesn't care at all right?

 

My anger is keeping the deep hurt at bay for the moment, but I'm afraid I'm going to feel it at some point soon. I guess feeling mad feels better than feeling sad.

[Realitynut]

The dating site can be a habit. My commitment phobe guy...that has been on and off for 2 years, had been on the dating sites....also on and off. He contacted people, but since he is NOT handsome...lol...he didn't have much luck.

 

He now says he is off for good...deleted everything...not just 'hidden'...which you can do. He said it can be like an addiction...just the constant 'looking'. He said he did it for entertainment. BUT...and this is a big BUT...why even LOOK when you are supposedly in love with someone. I would never even have a desire to 'take a peek' at what's out there.

 

Of course, for me...what's out there...sucks.

 

Yep. ONE thing...a woman isn't going to put up with his drinking. NO WAY, NO HOW! They wouldn't put up with the inconsistent phone calls. I can't believe he talks for hours and hours....that is weird. BUT if it keeps you happy....that is all that is needed.

 

He knows he has you....any time he calls and says, "i love you". If he feels you pulling away....he even threw out the 'will you marry me' card!

 

Sheesh.

 

My commitment phobe guy just asked me last week if we could date...but only see each other Once a week.

 

He's 57 and I'm 61. I said I didn't want to be a once a week FK buddy. Ahole.

 

How can you go so long without a physical connection? I get the 'words of affirmation' thing....but this is getting ridiculous. Him saying he's coming to get you...and then never doing it! And his drinking...should be a BIG NO for a long term relationship. Alcoholics only go down hill.....their drinking gets WORSE...not better.

 

So sorry you are feeling hurt. My ex called today. I didn't answer. What's the point. And why the hell did he even call??....ugh.

[lostlove76]

Hey realitynut. Good for you for not accepting once a week!! What is wrong with these stupid selfish men?!?

 

What you said about what your cp said about the dating sites actually makes me feel a tiny bit better. I can see how it could be an addiction. Just something to do while bored and/or lonely. It's also a way for them to seek validation that they're desirable. Get some attention. Also can be used as a distancing technique when they feel they're getting too close to someone. And as a way of having "backups" in case they get dumped for being the jerk that they know they are. It's an unfortunately common problem for men in relationships to do this. I've googled it and read message boards, and omg. But just because other people do it doesn't mean I'm going to let him slide on it.

 

A month ago, when I was mad at him and not answering the phone, he got on it in the midst of calling me and being ignored. He said that I seemed so mad, he thought I wasn't going to talk to him again, so he said "eff it." So maybe he got on last night because I didn't answer the night before, and he thought/knew I was done with him. When I sent my text, he got off the site. I could forgive it if that was the reason. I read a message board where a guy said he got on a site after an argument with his girlfriend, then she found out, and now he's trying to fix what was a stupid decision but she was done. However, he also got on Sunday, after not getting on at all for over a month. That's the part I don't understand. Unless like I said, he freaked himself out last week because it was so good and close and emotionally intense.

 

Regardless, the bigger problem is not getting to see him in person, with no end in sight. I think he wanted it on some level, but wasn't really ready because of intimacy fears and practical reasons. I was willing to be patient, but not forever. It was eating away at me, and every time he wouldn't call or something, I started trying to talk myself into dropping him because I knew he wasn't coming to get me any time soon. I have no more patience for his weakness.

 

Thanks for saying that no other girl will want him because of his drinking. I hope that's true. I did, but maybe most wouldn't. I want him to be lonely and really feel the gravity of his mistake. I know he was closer to me than he's been to anyone in a long long time. I know it meant a lot to him. And honestly, aside from the love and connection that we shared (which isn't easily replaceable right?), who else is going to talk to him all night long while he's drunk and slurring? Who else is going to care about every detail of his life? Who else is going to know what to say to make him feel loved and good about himself? The only thing lacking in our connection was the physical, and that's entirely his own fault. It sucks not being able to see and touch each other.

 

I guess I'm just venting at this point. Still so angry!

[boltnrun]

YOU didn't "make" him get on a dating site. Stop trying to assign yourself blame for that.

 

He CHOSE to get on the site.

 

And i bet I know why...because he got a reaction out of you!

 

You didn't answer his call, so he got on the site again. And oh boy, did you react or what! He got your attention! You "fussed" at him, which I believe is his goal. Now he can call you and stay on the phone for five hours assuring you he loves you and promising to come get you "next week". And you're right back to where you were 3 days ago. Win for him! And, how exciting the drama is!

 

He's an addict. And many times addicts aren't addicted to just one thing. He is obviously addicted to alcohol, but he may also be addicted to relationship drama. It makes him feel alive when you "fuss" at him and he gets to ply you with declarations of love.

 

My ex used to tell me that great sex was only possible after a screaming fight. Think about that for a minute.

[lostlove76]

I hope you're right, boltnrun. I really do. Because my mind is convincing me of all kinds of horrible thoughts, like he did it to make me drop him because he's tired of me. So then why do you think he got on Sunday? Same reason? Last night, maybe because I didn't answer the night before, so he wanted a reaction. But why Sunday?? That's what confuses me.

 

 

He says he doesn't like to argue. Says it all the time. Says he refuses to fight. He doesn't like conflict or drama, he really doesn't. But maybe he has a subconscious need for it that he's unaware of. He's always saying he's a horrible person. Maybe he feels some need to be "punished" for it. I need a degree in psychology to figure him out, I swear.

 

I really don't think he's going to call again, do you? My text was extremely cold and harsh. He knows how angry I am. He knows I won't answer if he calls. Which I won't. I'm not forgiving it this time. I think all he could do at this point is show up on my doorstep.

[boltnrun]

Sigh.

 

This is the pattern. You know this is the pattern.

 

I don't understand why you get so upset when you know by this time next week you'll be all aflutter because he called you three days in a row, proposed marriage and promised to come get you "next week".

 

And you hope I'm right about him being a relationship drama addict??? Why would you want that? How is that a healthy way to conduct a relationship?

 

I guess I just don't understand. I don't get why you'd deliberately sign up to go through years and years of this situation. Is this your ideal love relationship? Being attached to someone who's an addict, who you haven't seen in person for 7 months, who makes promises but doesn't keep them, who goes on dating sites, who appears to deliberately try to cause fights so you two can have dramatic hours-long make up phone calls and who regularly upsets and disappoints you?

[lostlove76]

Sigh.

 

This is the pattern. You know this is the pattern.

 

I don't understand why you get so upset when you know by this time next week you'll be all aflutter because he called you three days in a row, proposed marriage and promised to come get you "next week".

 

And you hope I'm right about him being a relationship drama addict??? Why would you want that? How is that a healthy way to conduct a relationship?

 

I guess I just don't understand. I don't get why you'd deliberately sign up to go through years and years of this situation. Is this your ideal love relationship? Being attached to someone who's an addict, who you haven't seen in person for 7 months, who makes promises but doesn't keep them, who goes on dating sites, who appears to deliberately try to cause fights so you two can have dramatic hours-long make up phone calls and who regularly upsets and disappoints you?

 

I didn't mean it like that, when I said I hope you're right. I just mean that it's better than the alternative scenarios that are running through my head, which suggest that he got tired of me, doesn't love me, doesn't care, was trying to get me to break up with him, etc etc. At least under your theory, he still cares. Know what I mean?

 

I don't know that he will come back this time. There have been a couple of times when I got really pissed off over something he'd done, and it was weeks of silence. I just want the validation of knowing that he at least cares, so that's why I want him to call. It's going to be deeply hurtful if he just lets it go and moves on like nothing meant anything.

 

I would never deliberately sign up for this situation. I was already in love with him before he moved. Already hooked. It's hard for me to give up and detach. But I'm working on it! I can't see that I would take him back after this. I know that's hard to believe. But this was my deal-breaker - any form of cheating whatsoever. I made this clear to him and to myself, and I'm sticking to it. This probably needed to happen in order to give me the strength to stop living on false promises.

[annie24]

Again, I'm w total negative nancy here, but think of the people you see more frequently than your "boyfriend": maybe it's the janitor at work, or your building manager, your reclusive neighbor, or your hairstylist. Etc...... Should you be seeing your boyfriend more frequently than these people? Doesn't that depress you at all?

[boltnrun]

How long were you actually together? I mean, together as in the same place (city or town) and seeing each other on a regular basis (say, once or twice a week or more).

 

I'm just trying to gauge if the amount of time you spent actually physically together is greater than the time you two have been physically apart and having a phone-only relationship (which has been 7 months by my calculations based on the last time you say you saw him).

[lostlove76]

Again, I'm w total negative nancy here, but think of the people you see more frequently than your "boyfriend": maybe it's the janitor at work, or your building manager, your reclusive neighbor, or your hairstylist. Etc...... Should you be seeing your boyfriend more frequently than these people? Doesn't that depress you at all?

 

It does depress me. I would never sign up for a long-distance relationship, because I think they suck. It's just that he moved, after we were already in love. I told him five months ago that I didn't even want to talk to him unless it was with the goal of me moving there, and he's kept me on a string with the promises of it happening every since. It's been hard to let go when he keeps insisting that it's going to happen, and talking about our future, and talk of when I'm there rolling so easily off his tongue (you're gonna love it here, can't wait to wake up beside you every morning, this or that person is going to love you). He truly sounded like he believed it himself.

 

So I guess this was as good a reason as any to end things, seeing him on that site. It really pisses me off, though, that he would destroy what we did have, when it obviously meant so much to him. People may disagree with me about how much it meant to him, but I know him, and I know our connection meant the world. So why ruin it? Because he's messed up in the head, I guess. He's always saying that he makes horrible decisions. Well I hope he regrets this one!!

[lostlove76]

How long were you actually together? I mean, together as in the same place (city or town) and seeing each other on a regular basis (say, once or twice a week or more).

 

I'm just trying to gauge if the amount of time you spent actually physically together is greater than the time you two have been physically apart and having a phone-only relationship (which has been 7 months by my calculations based on the last time you say you saw him).

 

We met mid-summer of 2014 when he was living here, and for six weeks we were together every other day/night and talked/texted on the off days. I got insecure and broke up with him, we didn't see each other for two months. Saw each other every other day for a few weeks after that, then another two months apart as he was working out of town. Then from Dec 2014 to March 2015 we saw each other a couple times a week on average, until I dropped him for his lack of commitment. Got back together in May (I think) of 2015 and spent the next 6 months solid together, every other day/night almost without fail except for a couple of small pullbacks and times when he went out of town. And every time we were together, it always started in the evening and we stayed up all night together (many many hours), and then fell asleep together.

[boltnrun]

We met mid-summer of 2014 when he was living here, and for six weeks we were together every other day/night and talked/texted on the off days. I got insecure and broke up with him, we didn't see each other for two months. Saw each other every other day for a few weeks after that, then another two months apart as he was working out of town. Then from Dec 2014 to March 2015 we saw each other a couple times a week on average, until I dropped him for his lack of commitment. Got back together in May (I think) of 2015 and spent the next 6 months solid together, every other day/night almost without fail except for a couple of small pullbacks and times when he went out of town. And every time we were together, it always started in the evening and we stayed up all night together (many many hours), and then fell asleep together.

 

So if my math is correct, you two have been seeing each other for less than two years and you've spend 13 months of that two years either broken up or physically apart. Which means a total of 11 months physically together. And 7 months and counting of being physically apart having a phone-only relationship.

 

And even during that 11 months there were "pull-backs" and him going out of town.

 

I'm starting to understand why you're romanticized this relationship. It's the whole being unsure thing that attracts you. You've never settled into the relationship for more than a couple of months without a "pull-back" or him traveling for work, so the honeymoon phase gets started over and over.

 

I think he'd drawn to the honeymoon phase, which is why he initiates these breaks and does things to cause you to "pull back".

 

And this possibly explains why he doesn't follow through with coming to get you. Reality and day-to-day living would intrude. Plus it's difficult to keep restarting the honeymoon phase if you're living together.

[lostlove76]

You could very well be correct. We've ALWAYS been in the honeymoon phase while together/talking, and it feels amazing. It's never gotten mundane or routine. It's always been intense and over-the-top loving and affectionate, for both of us. I'm drawn to it, too, but I wouldn't disrupt things just so that it could be started all over again like he does.

 

He was on/off with his ex for three years, two of which they lived together. And he was horrible. I know you guys will say well then why would you even consider living with him!? when I tell you this. But that was years ago, he's older, he claims he's grown up. Anyways, while living with her, he would disappear for days or a week at a time. Just leave and not answer the phone, then waltz back in like nothing happened. Some of those times he was cheating, which is why I'm always so anxious and paranoid, because I know his history. He left one year on her birthday, for no reason at all - just packed up and left that morning and went back a few days later. I thought if I was very firm with boundaries, and if I waited til he was ready, we could keep that from happening with us. I was at least willing to give it a try. I'm constantly telling him that I'll drop him in a heartbeat for cheating, and I mean it (and I have - he got back on the site, and I dropped him).

 

Back to what you were saying, though. I guess his pattern is to disrupt relationships. He was also married for a few years when he was younger, but I don't really know what happened with that.

 

I just don't see why he would risk it all right now by getting on the site. He HAD to know I would drop him immediately. He surely doesn't think I would take him back after this, does he? Maybe he did, but not after those texts I sent last night, which he didn't even bother to respond to. It was clear how pissed off I was. I told him he disgusts me and that I hate him.