The Ups and Downs of Loving a Commitment-Phobe

[annie24]

I just don't see why he would risk it all right now by getting on the site. He HAD to know I would drop him immediately. He surely doesn't think I would take him back after this, does he? Maybe he did, but not after those texts I sent last night, which he didn't even bother to respond to. It was clear how pissed off I was. I told him he disgusts me and that I hate him.

 

maybe he wants you to end things with him?? He doesn't want to be the one to break it off himself, so he's going to act like a jerk.

[boltnrun]

Your second paragraph answered the question you asked in your third paragraph.

 

He disrupts relationships in order to restart the honeymoon phase after he gets bored.

 

And it's easy for him to claim he's "grown up", just like it's easy for him to say he's coming to get you next week.

 

But what does he DO? Besides call you and get you all aflutter with his pretty words and empty promises. Oh, and "disrupt" the relationship so he can get his jollies restarting the honeymoon phase to avoid boredom.

 

And yes, he KNOWS (doesn't think, he KNOWS) you'll take him back because you always have. Despite your insistence that cheating is a deal breaker, you took him back before after his previous dating site activity...right?

 

He knows all it will take is one 5 hour phone call during which you'll "fuss" at him, but end up taking him back. He's most likely not worried at all.

[lostlove76]

maybe he wants you to end things with him?? He doesn't want to be the one to break it off himself, so he's going to act like a jerk.

 

That's my worry I just don't see why he would want that now, though, after last week was so good. He got on the site Sunday, and didn't call as he normally would. But then he did call Monday night. He called twice, then texted asking if I was asleep, and then tried calling again two hours later. If he wanted me to end it, I think he just wouldn't have called, because he knows that's what upsets me the most. But what you're saying is a definite fear of mine, because gosh, how horrible that would be. Last week, he was all in. I do think maybe he freaked himself out. He called four out of five days, was really open and vulnerable, expressed some insecurity, brought up marriage on two of the four nights. What would make him decide just over the weekend that he wanted it to be over? And then call Monday night, as per usual. He only skipped one day of calling, because he works overnight Fri and Sat and doesn't call those nights. So he only skipped Sunday.

[lostlove76]

Your second paragraph answered the question you asked in your third paragraph.

 

He disrupts relationships in order to restart the honeymoon phase after he gets bored.

 

And it's easy for him to claim he's "grown up", just like it's easy for him to say he's coming to get you next week.

 

But what does he DO? Besides call you and get you all aflutter with his pretty words and empty promises. Oh, and "disrupt" the relationship so he can get his jollies restarting the honeymoon phase to avoid boredom.

 

And yes, he KNOWS (doesn't think, he KNOWS) you'll take him back because you always have. Despite your insistence that cheating is a deal breaker, you took him back before after his previous dating site activity...right?

 

He knows all it will take is one 5 hour phone call during which you'll "fuss" at him, but end up taking him back. He's most likely not worried at all.

 

He wasn't "bored" though. Everything was still super-intense - even more so last week. It was at the peak of the honeymoon phase. I'm thinking maybe it makes him feel uncomfortable to get that close, and that's why he disrupts it. I know it makes him uncomfortable, because he's told me. I've felt similar in the past, so I sort of know what it feels like. For me, in past relationships, whenever things felt comfortable and okay, I would disrupt it by finding something to get mad and break up over. I can't even tell you how many times I did that. In every relationship, more than once per relationship. It was usually when I felt like uh-oh, things feel really good here, there is actually something to lose. And I figured it would be better to go through the pain of losing them at that moment rather then get even more attached and have more pain later. But then after I caused the disruption, I would immediately regret it and try to fix it. That's actually exactly what I did with current guy, way back after the first six weeks together!! I knew I was getting attached, I feared it would end, so I broke up with him. Do you think maybe that could be along the lines of what he does? He even told me last week that being in love scares the f-ing $h!t out of him, and I said me too because it means you can get hurt, and he said exactly. Asked me how I can be sure I won't hurt him. And he's talked about how I'll probably hate him once I get down there. So maybe he sabotaged things for these reasons.

[lostlove76]

I worry that I'm being in denial and making excuses. But I know him. His behaviors still confuse me, because I never know for sure where they're coming from. But I do know him, and I also know what's caused my own self to act similarly, and I know that we're a lot alike in many ways. Maybe I'm just projecting. Sigh. But I don't think so. I really think this is all fear-based.

[boltnrun]

I don't buy it.

 

I still think he is doing exactly what he wants. And the proof is in his history. He does this. This is what he DOES.

 

I just don't buy the whole "He's so SCARED of his feelings! And he runs away to protect himself!"

 

So he gets on dating sites to hide from his feelings (according to you). Are you prepared for YEARS of this treatment? Are you prepared for him disappearing for weeks (if he ever gets around to actually coming to get you, which I doubt) whenever he gets "scared"? Are you willing to accept this behavior?

 

I'm sure he'll call, tonight or tomorrow night. And it'll be back to the honeymoon phase for you two, until the next time. And the next. For however many years this lasts.

[lostlove76]

No, I'm not going to settle for years of this. I know it's hard to believe that I'll stick with it this time, and honestly, I even have a hard time trusting myself to do it. But how could I take him back after this? And it's not just this. The bigger issue is him not coming to get me. I was watching that site like a hawk, just waiting for him to mess up and give me ammunition to end it. I didn't want things to end. I wanted nothing more than to be with him. But I also, deep down, didn't want things to continue as they were. I needed more. I needed to be in the same location as him. And I didn't feel like it was really going to happen, so I was just waiting for him to mess up in some concrete way, I think.

 

Previously, I've eventually given in and answered his calls because I felt guilty ignoring him, and that's when his apologies and my fussing at him would begin (I say "fussing" here cause it won't let me say "b i t c h i n g at him" haha). I don't think I'll feel guilty this time. Because he DID mess up in a concrete way. I was unsure about Sunday, thinking it could have been a one-off thing. But to then get on again last night... just no. He messed up, he knew he shouldn't be on there, and he did it anyway. So I won't feel guilty, even if he calls 10,000 times. But I don't think he'll call, honestly. Or else he would have responded to the texts last night, I feel.

[lostlove76]

Also, just to add....

 

For a while now, I've wondered if breaking things off with him and going NC would force him to man up and come get me, once he experienced the loss. I really don't think that will happen. He's too weak. But now I'll know, right? He'll either deeply feel the loss and realize what he needs to do, or he'll just move on about his selfish, lazy way. He'll be lonely and feel alone in life, so I'm sure he'll find some girl to fill the void asap. Which is going to hurt. But there's nothing I can do about it. I do hope he realizes that he won't find what we had in someone else.

[annie24]

Do you have a job and apartment? How can he just come get you?

[boltnrun]

He CAN find someone else. Just like you can.

 

It's that mindset that keeps people stuck. Oh, I'll NEVER love again! We had a connection that I'll NEVER have with anyone else!

 

There are how many millions of people in the world? And we are only able to connect with ONE of them? Nope, that's a fallacy.

 

And you going NC will do nothing but get him to call you making his empty promises yet again, until you take him back. Then it's back to the calls and words with no action, and to him getting on dating sites when he starts feeling complacent or bored. And the cycle will continue.

 

I'm willing to bet a (virtual) day's salary that he will call. Either tonight or tomorrow night. Want to take my bet? Don't worry, if either of us loses we won't actually exchange money lol.

[lostlove76]

Do you have a job and apartment? How can he just come get you?

 

I'm living with my parents, and I'm not working a full-time permanent job. I've been working, but it's not anything I can't leave behind. It wouldn't be the easiest thing in the world to pack up and leave on a whim, but that's what I would have to do. I would just go with him and try it. If it didn't work, it didn't work. I can always come back home. And then I would at least know we tried.

[lostlove76]

He CAN find someone else. Just like you can.

 

It's that mindset that keeps people stuck. Oh, I'll NEVER love again! We had a connection that I'll NEVER have with anyone else!

 

There are how many millions of people in the world? And we are only able to connect with ONE of them? Nope, that's a fallacy.

 

And you going NC will do nothing but get him to call you making his empty promises yet again, until you take him back. Then it's back to the calls and words with no action, and to him getting on dating sites when he starts feeling complacent or bored. And the cycle will continue.

 

I'm willing to bet a (virtual) day's salary that he will call. Either tonight or tomorrow night. Want to take my bet? Don't worry, if either of us loses we won't actually exchange money lol.

 

That's definitely what keeps ME stuck. I don't connect with people easily. (And he doesn't connect with people beyond a superficial basis, either). I don't think I'll find anyone else any time soon. I don't even want anyone else. I'll need to get over this one first.

 

I will definitely take your bet, hahaa. I think he won't call. We shall see If he doesn't call, as much as it will hurt, I can at least say I won the bet lol. Small consolation, but I'll take anything at this point.

[lostlove76]

Maybe I'm just putting this here to make myself feel better, but he recently told me "I meet/talk to a lot of girls [just while out and about where he lives] and I think I might like them, but then they say something stupid and I think 'where's lostlove76?'" He literally thinks that almost everyone else in the world is stupid, except for me and him. He borders on narcissistic, obviously. But he thinks everyone else is an idiot. So. Maybe it'll be hard for him to find someone else who he deems as smart as me/himself.

 

I just want him to regret it, even if that sounds petty.

[lostlove76]

Boltnrun, you won the bet. He called last night. I talked to him, but I didn't give in. It's still over. I was practically yelling at him for two hours. I asked why he got back on the site and I think he said he was just bored. He tried to say maybe he was on there seeing if I was on, and I told him I'm not stupid enough to believe that. I think he said he would delete it. I wasn't really listening to him because I was so mad. He said he wasn't looking for anyone else. He said many times that he loves me, but I didn't say it back. Finally, after all of this, and after I went on and on about him not coming to get me.... He finally said "I'm scared. Aren't you?" And I said yes, but why are you scared. He said "Becauxe, what are we going to do?" Then he said "You'll end up hating me." In the midst of all this, he was still saying he was going to come get me. Then he said "I have commitment issues. When someone gets attached, I can't handle it. I'm a loner." I started going off on him about that, and he said he's attached to me too. I hung up on him and then texted some horrible words about hating him for what he's put me through for the past two years, and called him a weak loser, and told him to find some stupid girl to listen to him slurring all night long and pretending to care, because I'm not doing it anymore. I feel bad that I was so harsh but what he said HURTS. He's been telling me for five months that he's coming to get me. He's gone on and on about how much he loves me and wants to spend the rest of his life with me and I'm his soulmate and I'm the perfect girl for him. Now he finally admits that he can't handle it when someone gets attached to him?? After spending two whole years making me feel that attachment?!! I don't even know how to cope with the deep hurt that makes me feel. So I guess every time he's done these pull-backs, it's because he's feeling uncomfortable with the attachment. So he slams on the breaks for awhile in an attempt to keep me from getting attached? Or just until the discomfort he's feeling goes away. He's so back and forth. Even during this one conversation, he was saying he doesn't like it when someone gets attached, yet he's telling me that he's attached to me; he's saying he's scared to live together, yet he's still insisting he's coming to get me; he's saying he's a loner, but saying that he does want to spend the rest of his life with me. It's enough to drive anyone crazy.

 

So that's how it was left, with my mean texts. He tried calling back a couple times after I hung up on him, but I didn't answer, just sent the texts, and he didn't respond or call back after that. I do feel mean for saying those things, but who wouldn't be mad and upset over all of this? What is WRONG with him that he would do this to someone?

 

I'm sure he'll try calling again at some point, though he may wait a few days. I guess I just won't answer anymore. Otherwise I'll eventually get roped back into believing that he's actually going to come get me.

 

 

[boltnrun]

Really cute how he turns it around on you. "Oh, I can't come get you because YOU'LL END UP HATING ME!!!111 Poor me!!!"

 

Give me a break.

 

So now it's YOUR fault he hasn't come to get you. What a load of garbage.

 

He WILL call again and he WILL make empty promises with pretty words that mean nothing.

 

He's loving the drama and you? Well, you're left with a phone in your hand and no partner to hug, hold, spend the day with, sleep next to, or share your life with in person.

 

Ask yourself what you really want. And if you honestly believe HE is the one who will give you what you want and need in a relationship.

[lostlove76]

Thanks, bolt. You're exactly right, about all of it. I do need more. I do need the physical stuff. I hate to give up what we did have - the wonderful words and emotional connection. But I have to let it go, because I can't handle this anymore. The worst part of it is that he had me believing he was really going to come get me some day and we would have this great life together. Was he just lying the whole time? Or did he mean it while he was saying it, but just couldn't follow through? It was hard not to believe him, because he sounded like he completely meant it. I thought maybe he just needed a little more time to feel more ready. But he was apparently never going to be ready. If he "can't handle it when someone gets attached" after two years of what was deep attachment (!!!) then he's never going to be able to handle it. Him saying he's a loner just means he wants to live his life on his own terms without me around to disrupt that. Gosh this hurts.

 

I was feeling really guilty about my awful texts, but my friend convinced me that what he's done is worse, so I guess I'll drop the guilt. What you said helps too, bolt, thank you.

 

The only place to go from here is to stick with ending it. If he's never going to come get me (which he isn't, right??) then I need to quit talking to him so that I can hopefully heal and one day move on.

[boltnrun]

He did what he did because he was getting what HE wanted out of it.

 

No, I don't think he'll ever come get you. He'll say he will, but seriously...he's been saying that for six months and yet, there you sit. With only a phone to hold.

[lostlove76]

What do you think he'll do if I don't answer the phone for the next several weeks? Do you think there's any chance he'll realize he can't live without me, and will come get me? He maintained the status quo for as long as he could. Now he won't have me at all. So will that make him step it up, or just move on without me?

[annie24]

I'd bet the he doesn't step it up. But I guess time will tell. But you need to focus on yourself and your healing.

[lostlove76]

I just sat down to write a bit, because I was feeling so lonely and empty at the thought of never talking to him again. Then he called, just now. I didn't answer, and just sent a text saying that I don't know what to say or do anymore. That I'm sorry for being so mean last night, but I've been patiently waiting for five months for him to come get me and it seems like he's never going to. I said it's all empty promises.

 

He may try calling back a few times. I'm tempted to talk to him, because this all just feels so AWFUL. But like bolt says, it will just be pretty words and false promises. I don't know if there's any point in talking to him. What can I say at this point? I need more from him, and he will promise but not deliver.

[kara025]

What do you think he'll do if I don't answer the phone for the next several weeks? Do you think there's any chance he'll realize he can't live without me, and will come get me? He maintained the status quo for as long as he could. Now he won't have me at all. So will that make him step it up, or just move on without me?

 

My heart breaks to read this. However not because of what he has done, but rather because you put yourself in a position where what he thinks/feels/does matter than what YOU think, feel, and do.

 

You are overly concerned with how he feels (hence the guilt) and what he thinks, and what he is going to do next. You can never control another person and what he thinks or does or reacts. Its hard but you have to stop thinking about him and start thinking about YOU...

 

What do you want to do next? What can you do that would make YOU happy today (even if just for a brief moment)?

[lostlove76]

My heart breaks to read this. However not because of what he has done, but rather because you put yourself in a position where what he thinks/feels/does matter than what YOU think, feel, and do.

 

You are overly concerned with how he feels (hence the guilt) and what he thinks, and what he is going to do next. You can never control another person and what he thinks or does or reacts. Its hard but you have to stop thinking about him and start thinking about YOU...

 

What do you want to do next? What can you do that would make YOU happy today (even if just for a brief moment)?

 

Thanks Kara. So true, right? Good points.

 

There are actually a lot of things I find great pleasure in, and I'm not sure why I'm not doing them. I have a huge list of movies and tv shows to catch up on, I love to read, do yardwork, make crafts, clean/organize if I'm in the right mood, just to name a few. All of which are solitary activities and easily available, and I have the time, so nothing is stopping me but myself. So why don't I do them?!? I guess because I'm so preoccupied with this relationship. I feel like I have to be hypervigilant and alert to problems at all times. I feel like when things are good between us, I need to bask in the happiness and good feelings. And when things are bad, I feel like I have to either wallow in the loss of him, or keep myself angry as a means of self-protection.

 

This week is the perfect example. I was just WATCHING and WAITING for him to do something wrong so that I could immediately drop him. The second he did, I talked myself into all kinds of hurt and anger and upset.

 

I'm almost embarrassed to put this here, but might as well -- we ended up making up last night. He called again and I answered, and just told him I didn't know what to do anymore. I stayed mad for a couple of hours until I finally relaxed a bit and let him back in just a little. I ended up giving him an ultimatum, because I seriously don't know what to do anymore. I'm miserable when I try to shut him out of my life, but when he's in my life, I'm back and forth and all over the place. He said he will come this week (I know, I know) and I told him if he doesn't, I won't be able to talk to him anymore, because I just simply can't handle it. I told him I don't care what the excuse is, if he doesn't come, we're done. It sounded good at the time, but let's be real - he probably doesn't take it too seriously, and I probably won't be able to stick to it. But I guess we'll see. He said he'll come Wednesday. I guess that gives me five days to decide how I'm going to handle it if he doesn't come. I'm almost wondering if I should suggest he just visit instead of having all the pressure of taking me back with him to live there at this time. I don't know.

 

I'm annoyed with myself for putting myself through all of this all week long.

 

As for why I'm this way. Honestly, I think it all boils down to attachment styles. I've mentioned that here before, I think. Not sure if anyone else has read much about it (there are books, and lots of articles online). But there are four styles: secure, anxious, dismissive avoidant, and fearful avoidant. Our styles are set early in life according to our relationship with our caregivers. I took an online test and it said I'm fearful avoidant, and the description certainly fits. So I get the best of both worlds, yay - I'm anxious AND avoidant. So I guess that explains all this back and forth that I do. Apparently our styles are very ingrained and hard to change, but it can be done.

 

I guess since we made up last night (and just to clarify, he was never mad or upset or pulled back or anything of the sort, it was ALL me), I feel free enough to do some things today that I enjoy. So I'm going to do that!

 

Thanks to you guys for giving me a safe place to talk about all this stuff. I'm a little embarrassed to put it all out there like this, but it does help to get feedback. I guess we all have issues, so I'm trying not to feel too embarrassed. We're all here because we've got some problem or another in our lives and relationships, right?

[boltnrun]

So you totally don't care that he went on the dating site? Twice?

[lostlove76]

So you totally don't care that he went on the dating site? Twice?

 

I do care. I gave him hell about it. That's what started this whole thing, and I told him that. Turns out that the reason he didn't call Sunday was because he worked two shifts back to back, and that was the other issue that started this (him not calling). So that just leaves the dating site.

 

He got on once Sunday, for whatever reason. He said he wasn't doing anything. And I could tell that he didn't stay on long, so he didn't even have time to do anything. I still don't want him getting on there though, no matter what he's doing. Then he got on Tuesday night, and when I asked why he said because he was bored. I said then call me if you're bored, and he said I wouldn't answer (this was after I ignored his calls Monday night). He hasn't been back on since.

 

He seems to think it's not a big deal. I told him it IS a big deal TO ME. I told him to ask all his friends if they would be okay with their SO getting on. He said he's not doing anything on there, so why does it matter. I don't want him to get on, period. But I will say that I had a couple going for a while (dating site apps) and I would get on there multiple times a day out of boredom, just because it's so easy to click the app. I even chatted and answered some of the messages. Of course, I told them about HIM, and I doubt he would be telling other girls about me. But my point is that I was getting on there all the time, every day, multiple times a day, chatting, looking, whatever... but there was zero threat that I was going to cross any lines whatsoever. That's just me though. I'm fully loyal and trustworthy. Not sure about him, even though he claims he will be.

 

Some people think it's unacceptable. Some people, like my own dad, who would never in a million years cheat on my mom, seems to think it's no big deal and that he was probably just getting on for fantasy-talk or just looking or something. I personally don't like it, it makes me feel insecure, I told him this. It's what caused this entire week of upset and not talking to him and trying to end things with him and refusing to answer his calls. All because of him clicking on that stupid f'ing site. I've googled the heck out of this issue, and it seems to be an extremely common problem, which is distressing.

[lostlove76]

Ya know, I really get confused on whether the problem is him or me. Is it his fault for clicking on the site, or is it my fault for watching it so closely and looking for some concrete reason to drop him and blowing everything out of proportion? Is it his fault that I'm upset half the time, because he's not doing the things he needs to do, or is it my fault because I'm unable to handle relationships and manage my insecurities and anxieties? Is it his fault that he keeps promising to come get me and not following through, or is it my fault because I've made it clear that I won't talk to him unless this is the plan, and I won't accept anything short of moving in together, despite the impracticalities of it all? Is he the one who's completely messed up in the head, or is it me? Or is it both of us, and we just have two people who really do love each other but have no clue how to manage a healthy relationship?

 

Sigh.