He has women friends, and it bother's me.

[coolgirl]

I have been with my boyfriend over a month. Prior to us hooking he met another women before me and they've been talking casually as friends. My boyfriend is not interested in her that way. There was another women again before he met me she still is infatuated with him but they stopped talking as soon as I came along. ( She tried to come in between us and our relationship when it first started out but when she saw it got her nowhere she stopped, and yet she's a married women ) And caused us to have a few bumpy roads along the way. The first women that he's talking to as a friend he introduced me to her and we all get along as good friends, what bothers me is that she tells him she misses him, and loves him and he knows it bothers me. He assures me that i'm his number 1 priority and it doesn't mean anything that he loves and wants only me. I trust him and this lady can be a good friend for the both of us. I just don't want her overstepping her boundaries. I don't know whether I should talk to him about this, or have him talk to her or I talk to her. Because it's not fair to me of having to sit back and another women telling me boyfriend she loves him. This relationship is fairly new for the both of us. We've had our fair share of problems from before but now everything has settled down. I guess what I'm for is advice on how to handle something like this. If I talk to her myself should I just say please try to control your feelings and etc...... thank for anyone who's reading my post.

[SpottiOtti]

In this type of situation, it is best to set rock-solid boundaries for yourself, of what you will and will not tolerate in relationships. A great number of people would say that it is inappropriate and crosses a boundary for them, that your boyfriend would remain friends with a person who has expressed love for him. But only you can decide if that is a boundary you'd like to set. If it is, then it would absolutely be appropriate for you to tell him so, and to break up with him if he will not respect your boundaries.

[coolgirl]

In this type of situation, it is best to set rock-solid boundaries for yourself, of what you will and will not tolerate in relationships. A great number of people would say that it is inappropriate and crosses a boundary for them, that your boyfriend would remain friends with a person who has expressed love for him. But only you can decide if that is a boundary you'd like to set. If it is, then it would absolutely be appropriate for you to tell him so, and to break up with him if he will not respect your boundaries.

 

One thing I love about him is that he tells me everything. Everything that goes on with this women. He hides nothing from me. Because I do trust him. It's her I don't trust. She's the one who's overstepping her boundaries because she's the one that cant control her feelings around him. He tells me he dodges her calls, or does not respond and that he could care less. I'm not worried about him. It's her im worried about and what it could do to our relationship. I've been through this once before with him from another women. I don't want to go through the same thing with her.

[itsallgrand]

Those aren't friends.

It isn't her... It's him. He likes attention.

I'm not sure why you think so little of yourself you'd put up with this, and the relationship has barely taken off and all this bull?!?

So he tells you... Geez, is that the bar ?!

[DoF]

Guy won't hang out with a girl unless they find her attractive.....99% of the time.

 

Just accept and recognize him for who he is, person that engages with opposite sex for and engages into risky behavior.

 

To me, opposite sex friendships = deal breaker. Inappropriate and disrespectful.

 

I would highly recommend disengaging from such person, or be prepared to be hurt continuously.

[coolgirl]

Guy won't hang out with a girl unless they find her attractive.....99% of the time.

 

Just accept and recognize him for who he is, person that engages with opposite sex for and engages into risky behavior.

 

To me, opposite sex friendships = deal breaker. Inappropriate and disrespectful.

 

I would highly recommend disengaging from such person, or be prepared to be hurt continuously.

 

 

They havent even met in person, he met her through the same online dating site where he met me. Its mostly through text messaging and phone calls.

[DoF]

They havent even met in person, he met her through the same online dating site where he met me. Its mostly through text messaging and phone calls.

 

Sounds like you are making excuses and trying to justify staying with him.

 

I won't stop you.

 

Fact that he seeks and engages with opposite sex should tell you everything you need to know.

[overthemoon86]

You need to set boundaries. And based on what you are saying this is not a "friend" at all...I mean it sounds like she has some other agenda. However, I would not speak to her about it. I would actually not communicate or have contact with her at all because that could come back to hurt you and your new relationship. Your boyfriend may feel you don't trust him if you are getting involved.

 

I would make sure you have very open communication with your boyfriend about what is appropriate for your relationship and what is not. This is entirely up to you and what you are comfortable with.

 

I do want to make a note, this does not sound like a opposite sex friendship situation. If that was the case, I would have answered entirely differently. I have friends of the opposite sex and have a very healthy balanced relationship with my boyfriend. This is not one of those.

[overthemoon86]

They havent even met in person, he met her through the same online dating site where he met me. Its mostly through text messaging and phone calls.

 

They have not even met???? Then they really shouldn't be talking at all? Why is he still communicating with her?

[coolgirl]

They have not even met???? Then they really shouldn't be talking at all? Why is he still communicating with her?

 

Hi, I just sent you private message.

[shellyf62]

He is loving all the attention these women are giving him.

I would tell him that its them or me, you cant have it all.

He is being totally disrespectful to you but engaging in conversation with them, and then telling you.

You deserve so much better!

[coolgirl]

He is loving all the attention these women are giving him.

I would tell him that its them or me, you cant have it all.

He is being totally disrespectful to you but engaging in conversation with them, and then telling you.

You deserve so much better!

 

He was the one who introduced me to her in the first place. And I thought it was on a friendly level to begin with, but I wasn't expecting her feelings to get in the way of this either.

[DoF]

Not only he engages with opposite sex, he engages with COMPLETE STRANGERS.

 

He does not know this person. mostly because you do NOT know anyone you don't meet in person OR spend significant amount of time with IN PERSON.

[coolgirl]

Not only he engages with opposite sex, he engages with COMPLETE STRANGERS.

 

He does not know this person. mostly because you do NOT know anyone you don't meet in person OR spend significant amount of time with IN PERSON.

 

Well, said. He's only know her a month a half. Like I said I wasn't expecting her feelings to get in the way. I am not the jealous type of person. It's the concept of it all. Our relationship if fairly new.

[Andrina]

When I was single, I briefly dated someone like this. Those harem masters always have the same story. "She's fat and has a bunch of kids. She's just a friend. I just answer the text to appease her. She's lonely. I'm not interested in her. She's just a friend. She's just a friend. She's just a friend." Yes, they try to keep things open and think this will dupe the woman who will buy the BS, which will often happen at the beginning when hormones are keeping the rose colored glasses on.

 

The relationship is frustrating and upsetting to you for a reason. It's not right. He's not right. The guy I dated didn't have t.v. I went over and he was shaving to get ready for us to go out. I was bored and asked to use his computer. An instant message popped up from a girl. I told her I was not him and was dating him and using his computer. She told me he had messaged her from a dating site and that he wanted to get to know her. I left and never looked back.

 

Those guys have the same modus operandi. Dump him now before you go any deeper in his pile of manure.

[reinventmyself]

I had a relationship with a man where a recent ex was calling all the time.

Ultimately she would just call and hang up over and over again, all hours, day and night. He insisted he had no control over it.

 

I was patient until one night it became perfectly clear -

If it had been me that was receiving the unwanted calls, there was no doubt in my mind that I could put a stop to it in one hot second.

And my relationship and his comfort was important enough for me to do so.

It comes down to respect.

 

I told him I had been patient long enough and he needed to handle it or I'd walk.

Bam. . It stopped. Surprised? No.

 

So having said that, if the tables were turned, would allow another man to continue to give you attention, so much so it was hurting your new relationship?

Or would you draw a firm line and put a stop to it?

[coolgirl]

I had a relationship with a man where a recent ex was calling all the time.

Ultimately she would just call and hang up over and over again, all hours, day and night. He insisted he had no control over it.

 

I was patient until one night it became perfectly clear -

If it had been me that was receiving the unwanted calls, there was no doubt in my mind that I could put a stop to it in one hot second.

And my relationship and his comfort was important enough for me to do so.

It comes down to respect.

 

I told him I had been patient long enough and he needed to handle it or I'd walk.

Bam. . It stopped. Surprised? No.

 

So having said that, if the tables were turned, would allow another man to continue to give you attention, so much so it was hurting your new relationship?

Or would you draw a firm line and put a stop to it?

 

 

I honestly didn't think her feelings for him would grow overtime. I thought they were just friends and nothing more until I came into the picture. There is little I can tolerate. She texts him middle of the night, she calls him 5-6 times a day. He tells me she cant stop thinking about him when she's at work or with her friends. I don't mind talking to her myself, I just want to see how he's going to handle it.

[shellyf62]

I honestly didn't think her feelings for him would grow overtime. I thought they were just friends and nothing more until I came into the picture. There is little I can tolerate. She texts him middle of the night, she calls him 5-6 times a day. He tells me she cant stop thinking about him when she's at work or with her friends. I don't mind talking to her myself, I just want to see how he's going to handle it.

 

Im sorry but you are in denial. This woman wants him bad, and he is doing nothing to stop her fawning over him.

You either have to live with it or leave, because I don't think he will stop communicating with her.

[surfdiva]

I don't know. I disagree with DoF 100% that women and men can't be friends.

 

However...reading through your responses, it seems like he has not even met this woman, she tells him she misses him, etc. That's not friendship, that's him enjoying the attention, IMO.

[reinventmyself]

I honestly didn't think her feelings for him would grow overtime. I thought they were just friends and nothing more until I came into the picture. There is little I can tolerate. She texts him middle of the night, she calls him 5-6 times a day. He tells me she cant stop thinking about him when she's at work or with her friends. I don't mind talking to her myself, I just want to see how he's going to handle it.

 

But he is `allowing' her to intrude. You need to know it says a lot about his intentions.

Do not speak to her. It's not your place.

 

You are only one month in and it's perfectly good time to find out what he's made of.

Better now than years down the road.

Consider this a test of sorts. . and be grateful for the outcome. Whatever it may be.

[ParisPaulette]

Here's the thing you aren't asking yourself: do you let guys who you know are interested in you sexually or romantically keep staying in touch with you and let their feelings for you grow, when to you they are just a friend or less? And you have someone else you're dating and interested in?

 

If that's the case then cool, you and he can chat up those women and men to your hearts' content, secure that while others are chasing the two of you, you have each other and can have fun toying with everyone else. Not my idea of a healthy, sane relationship, but whatever floats one's boat I suppose.

 

BUT if your answer is a resounding no, then don't you think you should be with someone who has the same core values and thinks maybe it's not a great idea to supposedly be leading someone else on to have romantic feelings for them? Or why maybe is just snowing the woman he's dating by pulling the whole "hide in plain sight, she's just a friend baby, means nothin' to me even if I am chatting her up and know she has feelings for me," routine.

 

Because here's the thing. These other women are developing feelings for him, because his actions towards them and his words are telling them, they have a shot. It's not their actions that are the problem, they met him on a dating sight same way you did, he's interested in them, they think there's something there. Just like you. And it's what he's not telling you when you aren't there and he's chatting these women up that is the problem--"Her? Oh yeah, well she's just a friend too. We hang out, sure. But you're the one I want...I just have to get the money together to come see you.…"

 

Sorry, but if you even think this one has monogamy written on it you are dreaming. This guy is playing all of you, fast hard and loose. And he's learned the best player's trick in the world, 'Hide in plain sight." He feeds you just enough "truth" to make you feel you can trust him, but the bottom line in any relationship is this: if you don't do that to the other person, if you have a boundary or a standard you hold yourself to, then hold it to them as well or walk.

 

Anything else is just a recipe for disaster. Sorry, but I'm sure each of you feel you're the special one and all those other women are just interfering. And yes, the other women feel that way about you too, because he's told them the same stuff he's telling you, I guarantee it.

[mandeelove]

This isnt a friend he grew up with. Dating sites are to meet llovers not friends. Just sounds likes hes got 2 women on the string and u dont have a solid enough foundation for him to choose u over her. Hes dating 2 at once. He should have cut her off the moment he made it exclusive with u.

[starlight89]

he sounds like a player to me

[reinventmyself]

 

Because here's the thing. These other women are developing feelings for him, because his actions towards them and his words are telling them, they have a shot. It's not their actions that are the problem, they met him on a dating sight same way you did, he's interested in them, they think there's something there. Just like you. And it's what he's not telling you when you aren't there and he's chatting these women up that is the problem--"Her? Oh yeah, well she's just a friend too. We hang out, sure. But you're the one I want...I just have to get the money together to come see you.…"

 

, 'Hide in plain sight." He feeds you just enough "truth" to make you feel you can trust him, but the bottom line in any relationship is this: if you don't do that to the other person, if you have a boundary or a standard you hold yourself to, then hold it to them as well or walk.

 

Anything else is just a recipe for disaster. Sorry, but I'm sure each of you feel you're the special one and all those other women are just interfering. And yes, the other women feel that way about you too, because he's told them the same stuff he's telling you, I guarantee it.

 

 

this caused me to remember one of my favorite sayings "Stray cats don't come around unless they are well fed"

[Batya33]

This isn't about a man having friends of the opposite sex but about him pursuing other women when he is supposed to be exclusive with you -or at the very least interacting with women who are pursuing him.