Do you ever make conversation just to make conversation?

[Dougie_D]

I went to a karaoke bar tonight alone. I was bored as crap. I just sat at the bar watching TV and occasionally glancing over to the singers behind me.

 

A chick suddenly strikes a conversation with me while getting a drink. She did the "what are you drinking on.." then she grabbed my face/beard and was like "you should join my party, you shouldn't be here alone!"

 

I felt like she was giving me a pity party...but the fact she grabbed my face and she started the conversation made me think she was interested in me.

 

I played the cool card and said "nah, I'm cool here, bla bla, bla...

 

Then an hour or so past and decided to approach her when she was texting by herself and offered her a drink. She said "No, I'm watching my girlfriend"..

 

? Don't start a conversation with me, if you aren't into me? Am I right or am I wrong? So I guess I was correct that she was giving some sort of pity party deal?

 

I never understand women who give me the slightest interest and than "back off". What did I do wrong? I did everything right. I didn't act desperate.

[omnigeode]

The issue with these situations is that they can be so complex that literally anything could have happened.

 

The thing is, the talk to you/don't talk to you doesn't equate to interested in you/not interested in you. It could simply be that she was just being a nice person and striking up a conversation with you as you're both people in a social and public place. I find it a bit odd that you seem to think that girls shouldn't start a conversation with you if they're not into you. Maybe she just was being friendly. The fact that you offered to buy her a drink may have indicated to her that you were interested and maybe she wasn't and was just socialising with you.

 

The other options are that by the time you went over to her she had just begun needing to watch over her girlfriend, perhaps realising she was too drunk or something. OR she flirted with you without the intention of any kind of follow up, just for the lols.

 

The fact of the matter is that people can do what they like without motive. You didn't do anything wrong and neither did she. Just because you didn't do anything wrong,did everything right, didn't act desperate AND she grabbed your beard doesn't mean she can't decide not to have a drink with you. That's her decision and you should just accept it and move on.

[Dougie_D]

The issue with these situations is that they can be so complex that literally anything could have happened.

 

The thing is, the talk to you/don't talk to you doesn't equate to interested in you/not interested in you. It could simply be that she was just being a nice person and striking up a conversation with you as you're both people in a social and public place. I find it a bit odd that you seem to think that girls shouldn't start a conversation with you if they're not into you. Maybe she just was being friendly. The fact that you offered to buy her a drink may have indicated to her that you were interested and maybe she wasn't and was just socialising with you.

 

The other options are that by the time you went over to her she had just begun needing to watch over her girlfriend, perhaps realising she was too drunk or something. OR she flirted with you without the intention of any kind of follow up, just for the lols.

 

The fact of the matter is that people can do what they like without motive. You didn't do anything wrong and neither did she. Just because you didn't do anything wrong,did everything right, didn't act desperate AND she grabbed your beard doesn't mean she can't decide not to have a drink with you. That's her decision and you should just accept it and move on.

 

 

I think it's just because most women never approach men in general. And the touching part is what got me. It honestly felt really good when she did it. I was kind of aroused but I didn't want to show it. I get what you are saying about the motive thing. I guess women don't have to have a motive, but 9/10 times when I guy strikes a conversation with a woman it's because they are interested in that woman in some fashion.

[carrie8484]

Playing it cooled backfired for you on this occasion. You should have thought 'what the heck' and joined her group for a while. You could have always left if it wasn't for you. Regarding whether she was flirting or not, who knows, only you could have found out. By the time you approached her later on, the opportunity had passed.

[Blue_Skirt]

This is one of the reasons that I don’t go to bars and clubs (unless it would be with a group of friends/colleagues), because when you are talking to people, they immediately think you are “interested”.

I make small talk with people quite easily but I don’t want to be misunderstood either.

[omnigeode]

I think it's best to abandon that generalistion. I'm a female and generally tend to gravitate towards male friends because I just normally get on better with them. Maybe that's just my personality but yeah, if every man I spoke to assumed I was interested then my boyfriend would need to beat them away with a shovel, because I have about 80% male friends.

 

I'm sorry if my post sounded a bit abrasive, by the way. I just felt like it was a point I needed to make that just because ladies approach men, it doesn't mean they like them. You're correct though, the fact she touched your face was surpassing a boundary that you don't normally pass unless you're interested, but again, she could have just been meaninglessly flirting, or, as I said previously, really did need to take care of her friend.

 

I think it says a lot more about how different people can be. I love talking to people, all kinds of people, about different things. I will talk to anyone about anything, regardless of their gender. I'm very devoted to my boyfriend and if I talk to a male it is with very innocent intentions. This situation, as I said before, could be so complex that it's impossible for any of us to know what was going on there.

[musicman777]

Hey Dougie, I recall seeing you on these boards from time to time. You are single, correct? I'm gonna go out on a whim here and say you are especially cause you were curious if this girl was interested in you. Now I don't know about you, but the reasons I would ever go to a karaoke bar are to 1) have fun 2) socialize, and 3) maybe find a girlfriend! Why did you go there, did you intend on sitting their bored out of your mind watching TV?? You can do that at home! I think there was an honest reason for you being there...

 

Look, when people ask you to join them, well, do it next time! I think you need to change your mindset. Don't think of such a thing as people throwing a "pity party" for you. You used the term "play the cool card." Does playing the cool card like that help you make new friends and socialize with people? Nope. If you're single and looking for someone, you got to leave your ego at the door and talk to as many people as possible. Don't worry about them feeling pity for you or something. How do you know this woman WASN'T interested, or at the very least was trying to let you just hang out with her and her friends and have a good time? Nothing wrong with making friends, especially of the opposite gender if you're a single guy. You should have talked to her and had fun, seen where things go.

 

I think maybe your "play it cool" attitude is what made her not want to hang out with you after as well. I really wouldn't want to hang out with someone after they acted like they were too cool to be around me. Well, chalk this one up as a learning experience. And I want to add in; no, men don't always have to be the ones to converse with women. That is a bit of a stereotype. yes, more conventional for the man to engage in conversation it is, but not out of the norms for a woman to do so. Good luck.

[j.man]

She was just being drunk.

 

Yes, you snubbed her, but she was more enthusiastic than she normally would have been in her invitation, and she was more dramatic than she normally would have been after the rejection (at least let's hope). You didn't miss some giant opportunity. Just loosen up a bit in the future.

[journeynow]

I went to a karaoke bar tonight alone. I was bored as crap. I just sat at the bar watching TV and occasionally glancing over to the singers behind me.

 

A chick suddenly strikes a conversation with me while getting a drink. She did the "what are you drinking on.." then she grabbed my face/beard and was like "you should join my party, you shouldn't be here alone!"

 

I felt like she was giving me a pity party...but the fact she grabbed my face and she started the conversation made me think she was interested in me.

 

I played the cool card and said "nah, I'm cool here, bla bla, bla...

 

Then an hour or so past and decided to approach her when she was texting by herself and offered her a drink. She said "No, I'm watching my girlfriend"..

 

? Don't start a conversation with me, if you aren't into me? Am I right or am I wrong? So I guess I was correct that she was giving some sort of pity party deal?

 

I never understand women who give me the slightest interest and than "back off". What did I do wrong? I did everything right. I didn't act desperate.

 

Dougie, you snubbed her. Then after an hour interrupted her. It wasn't an ongoing conversation. I'm not saying you had to join her party, but understand that you saying "No" kind of shut things down. She moved on to other things.

[greta96]

Not me, nor any of my girlfriends, would ever start a conversation with a dude at a bar the way you described, if we weren't at least a bit interested in getting to know him. It's hard enough for a woman to politely reject guys she's not interested in and who won't get the hint and leave, why would anyone risk bringing these guys to their friends, unless there was at least a tiny bit of interest?

I really think it wasn't a pity party, and that she liked something about you and would have liked your company. So, your playing it cool backfired. I get why you did it, but the next time this happens, do not overthink and do exactly what you want to do - which in this case was join her group.

I reckon she must have taken your pretend coolness for lack of interest, and I would go even further and say that she may have been the one to interpret your invite to buy her a drink later on as a pity party, which is why she said no.

I see you asking so many dating questions on the board, so I know how eager you are to meet someone and be in a relationship. If I had one guess, it would be that the reason you are having difficulty meeting women is because you tend to overthink. Put down all the "dating manuals", PUA teachings, online dating literature, they are cr*p and they only teach men how to complicate their own lives. Be yourself, be spontaneous and do what your heart tells you to do, and I think you'll be much more successful.

[Sportster2005]

I think it's just because most women never approach men in general. And the touching part is what got me. It honestly felt really good when she did it. I was kind of aroused but I didn't want to show it. I get what you are saying about the motive thing. I guess women don't have to have a motive, but 9/10 times when I guy strikes a conversation with a woman it's because they are interested in that woman in some fashion.

 

Everyone has a motive when they strike up a conversation.

 

She reached out to you, you rejected her. Playing it cool would have been giving her a charming smile and saying "Thank you I'd like that". What you did just annoyed her.

[tiredofvampires]

Agreed with the others that you shot your foot. And playing it cool doesn't mean telling someone "no thanks, not interested in joining you", which is the message you sent. Basically, you blew her off.

 

I find it interesting that you are so keen for a woman to reach out to you, to do the initiating, and then when she does, your first thought is "I don't need a pity party."

 

Desperation can do a lot of strange things to a person...including making them go out of their way not to look desperate, and therefore bypassing a moment of opportunity.

[tiredofvampires]

But to answer the title question of your thread, I DO sometimes strike up conversation just to make conversation. I have no further goal than just being friendly and enjoying some spontaneous banter. Usually, that's when there's a lull in whatever activity is going on, and we're just killing time.

 

That wasn't the case with what you described. She grabbed your face and invited you to join her, and it wasn't "a conversation".

[Batya33]

Agreed with the others that you shot your foot. And playing it cool doesn't mean telling someone "no thanks, not interested in joining you", which is the message you sent. Basically, you blew her off.

 

I find it interesting that you are so keen for a woman to reach out to you, to do the initiating, and then when she does, your first thought is "I don't need a pity party."

 

Desperation can do a lot of strange things to a person...including making them go out of their way not to look desperate, and therefore bypassing a moment of opportunity.

 

Completely agree. I am surprised you assumed she would give you a second chance to interact with her. Sometimes there are no second chances so grab the opportunities (in general) the first time.

[ParisPaulette]

Well, yeah I strike up conversations all the time. BUT I never grab someone physically in any way, shape, or form. Good touch, bad touch, misunderstood touch and all that. However this girl may have been a wee tad inebriated, and when that happens people myself included will do all sorts of things we wouldn't.

 

But she was likely a wee bit put off by your rejection, then later when you came up by then she was like "Unh, never mind," or maybe she was sobering up or maybe she was embarrassed or.or.or.

 

I see you post on here about these things and the problem appears to be that when someone does approach of the female persuasion you back away, then later on you overthink things. Just relax, be friendly, if someone makes conversation make it back, try not to be building an entire story that isn't even there yet. Just...relax. You way overthink these things.

 

She was interested in the beginning, you rejected/turned her down, so it cooled her initial interest. Or maybe she was feeling silly for coming on so strong. Maybe she thought you now felt sorry for her and were throwing her a pity party, hmm? "Oh, well I'll come over here and talk to the lonely chick who invaded my personal space 'cause what the heck, I kinda feel bad for her," may have been what was running through her mind at that time.

 

Try to see things from other people's points of view. And the next time someone invites you over to their table smile and say, "I'd like that," and just go. Make friends, both male AND female, it's the first step.

 

P.S. She wasn't throwing you any pity parties. Women do not, and trust me on this, just walk up to some guy, invite him to their table, grab his face and all, and do that simply because they feel sorry for him. They do it because something about him interests them. Yeah, she was interested, but then you blew her off and she likely felt a right idiot for having reached out and gotten rejected. Doesn't matter that later on you came over to her, by then she thinks she's the reject and now you're just pitying her or your date stood you up or.or.or.

 

I'd say both of you overthought the whole thing. If you see her again smile and nod and be chill. But if she smiles and opens up to you, this time don't back away, go with it all.

[journeynow]

I think it's just because most women never approach men in general. And the touching part is what got me.

 

To be fair, the touching part was pretty foreword of her, and I can understand your being taken aback. If a stranger did that to me in a bar or anywhere else I'd be put off by it, and I might reflexively dodge their touch. She may have been drunk, like others have suggested, and there was something about her behavior that you picked up and we are not privy to.

 

In general, though, without the face touching, her line did not sound like a pity party to me.

[Dougie_D]

Haha! Knowing my luck, next time this happens it will be "you should've played it cool instead".

I need things like this to happen more frequently. And I'm talking about where someone seems interested in me in general. Because when you get rejected 99/100 times its hard not to think that any other interest is some type of fluke.

That's definitely why I overthink stuff. I'm just not used to it.

I need to somehow convince myself that should be the norm, but then I get butt hurt when it doesn't happen! I'm a mess!haha!

[Batya33]

To be fair, the touching part was pretty foreword of her, and I can understand your being taken aback. If a stranger did that to me in a bar or anywhere else I'd be put off by it, and I might reflexively dodge their touch. She may have been drunk, like others have suggested, and there was something about her behavior that you picked up and we are not privy to.

 

In general, though, without the face touching, her line did not sound like a pity party to me.

 

I agree that this likely was not a missed opportunity since she behaved as she did -seems to lack knowledge of basic personal space (and if she was drunk then you wouldn't know anyway if she intended to get to know you).

[Fudgie]

She was probably drunk, judging by the way she acted.

 

That said, you definitely shot yourself in the foot by trying to play it "cool". If you wanted to join her party, then you should have said "yes" from the get-go. Not give her a cool response, snub her, and then interrupt her an hour later.

 

What I'm saying is, don't put on airs. If a woman approaches you to talk and you would like to talk and get to know her, don't pretend to be aloof or snub her.

[Moontiger]

She was probably drunk, judging by the way she acted.

 

That said, you definitely shot yourself in the foot by trying to play it "cool". If you wanted to join her party, then you should have said "yes" from the get-go. Not give her a cool response, snub her, and then interrupt her an hour later.

 

What I'm saying is, don't put on airs. If a woman approaches you to talk and you would like to talk and get to know her, don't pretend to be aloof or snub her.

 

^^^^All of this. Sounds like she was and her friends were out for a night of fun, getting a bit drunk and my guess is she wanted some light flirting. As others have said, you shot your own foot here.