youareworthy Posted January 28, 2016 Share Posted January 28, 2016 Oh, that is so tragic; but it (weirdly) explains why she's still there. You really, really dodge a bullet. Maybe a literal one. I'm so thankful you're free. Where would ENA be without your unique brand of wit and wisdom? Youareworthy Link to comment
mhowe Posted January 28, 2016 Share Posted January 28, 2016 Probably a much quieter, tranquil place. There are plenty of contributors that dispense hugs. I just call em as I see em! Link to comment
IAmFCA Posted January 28, 2016 Share Posted January 28, 2016 Oh --- I forgot the final chapter. When my father died (and my bf had known my father when said bf was in his 20's) ---- he sent me.....a handwritten poem that he had written. And said that if I ever wanted to talk about my dad (who, upon finding out that he had cheated on me HATED him) that he could share a lot of stories. I wanted to respond "are you fffffinn' kidding me?" but I just read it and threw it out. O. My. As if ... "yes, I'd really enjoy that. Daddy always did love you more than me. Having you comfort me is what I've been missing. Can we hook up too? That will really help." Oh for the love pete. Link to comment
IAmFCA Posted January 28, 2016 Share Posted January 28, 2016 Sadly, he abuses her. Validation that most often, stripes don't change. Link to comment
IAmFCA Posted January 28, 2016 Share Posted January 28, 2016 He is still an alcoholic (he wasn't when we started dating, but by the end he was), he is still with the "cheater" woman --- and he is so debilated from years of drinking and drug abuse that he is housebound and in poverty....at age 62. He has also been disowned by his family for punching his then 81 yr old father in a drunken rage. I walked away over 15 years ago. People said "he was my destiny" --- sober he was charismatic, charming and successful. That ended more than 20 yrs ago. MWFN was charming when I met him too. Not to compare the two, but he now says - well, in December - that he is down to two drinks a day and "I don't know if I can do better than that". Hmm, who has the power - MWFN or the inanimate object? He isn't sliding as far as your long ago ex but it is a distinct difference. I can appreciate how in the beginning he was so different. Sad to see the downward arc of a life and not be able to depend that it will be followed with a climb to new heights. Link to comment
mhowe Posted January 28, 2016 Share Posted January 28, 2016 When I left...he wrote me a letter saying it was "time for him to address his borderline e alcoholism". He had asked for a break...I found out he was cheating and ended it. That was actually 17 years ago. He still drinks. Link to comment
IAmFCA Posted January 28, 2016 Share Posted January 28, 2016 When I left...he wrote me a letter saying it was "time for him to address his borderline e alcoholism". He had asked for a break...I found out he was cheating and ended it. That was actually 17 years ago. He still drinks. As always, thank you for sharing that. I am confident that MWFN will cheat with his gf if he stays with her; he's already talked to me about it multiple times. He will rationalize it or do whatever he needs to do to make himself the victim. Values on the left, choices on the right, and so much distance in between... so what are the values, really? Good riddance. Link to comment
mhowe Posted January 28, 2016 Share Posted January 28, 2016 I truly think that ex was the shadow side of my father...a charismatic, charming and yet successful alcoholic who stayed faithful to his wife of 50 years who raised 3 great kids and whose entrepreneurial savy created a $30mill company that my brother runs today. In leaving the ex...I also learned the lessons of an ACoA and laid those demons to rest. So, in an odd way...he fulfilled his purpose in my life. I went forward and found my center and when I was ready...the love of my life appeared. Link to comment
IAmFCA Posted January 28, 2016 Share Posted January 28, 2016 Mine called this morning. The call woke me up (I work overnight so I sleep late). I looked at my phone, saw it was the ex, thought "that's random" and went back to sleep. He left a message saying he was going to be in my town (in a different state than his, about 5 hours away) tomorrow, and asked me to call him back. I just went on with my usual day, then about 7 hours after he'd called I called him back. I let him know that my work schedule would not permit me to spend any time with him tomorrow, and that I didn't have a day off until the end of the weekend. He kind of laughed and said he was only going to be in town tomorrow. I told him it wouldn't be possible, then. We made small talk for a minute or two, then he ended the conversation with "well, if you can hang out tomorrow let me know." Um, I just said I had to work, but whatever. I wished him a safe trip and hung up. Some history...this is the guy who, when he broke up with me (he wasn't "feeling it"), I was devastated. I cried for two entire months, could hardly get out of bed, and swore to anyone who would listen that this guy was "the love of my life" whom I would "love FOREVER!!!111" Well...he wasn't, and I didn't...and I don't. If anyone had told me at the time of the breakup that he would be asking to see me and I'd turn him down, I would have denied it. I would have said they were crazy, that I LOVED him and always would. I would have imagined a passionate reunion, with me pulling out all stops to find a way to see him. The me back then would have assumed the me of today would have gone to work early or late, would have called out, or would have quit my job...anything, anything at all to see him, to accommodate him. But the me of today not only doesn't love him, but I know now he was never the man of my dreams like I thought he was. Without going into details, he's just got too many issues for me to want to hitch my wagon to him (including drug arrests and a prison record). This is the second opportunity to spend time with him I've turned down. So, for all of those who think they will never, ever get over someone...you can and you will. These men are not gods up on pedestals. They're human. And guess what? There are millions of humans on the planet. Nothing about them makes them any better than anyone else. And the mere fact that they've CHOSEN not to be with us takes them off the plate anyway...right? Amen sister Link to comment
Zuri Posted January 29, 2016 Share Posted January 29, 2016 This thread is empowering! Link to comment
IAmFCA Posted January 29, 2016 Share Posted January 29, 2016 I truly think that ex was the shadow side of my father...a charismatic, charming and yet successful alcoholic who stayed faithful to his wife of 50 years who raised 3 great kids and whose entrepreneurial savy created a $30mill company that my brother runs today. In leaving the ex...I also learned the lessons of an ACoA and laid those demons to rest. So, in an odd way...he fulfilled his purpose in my life. I went forward and found my center and when I was ready...the love of my life appeared. Yes. I agree with your perspective completely. Love hearing it. Link to comment
browneyedgirl36 Posted January 29, 2016 Share Posted January 29, 2016 This is how it's done. I too thought I would *never* get over my ex -- that I would *always* love him, that I would always feel sad when I thought about him. Apparently, *always* isn't as long as I thought it was. He texted me back in July asking me to dinner to "thank" me for helping him with a work-related project (we work together a couple days a week). I declined. There was a time when I would have fallen all over myself to spend an evening -- even just having dinner -- with him. I once thought I'd never get past that -- that the pining and longing would go on forever. Not the case at all. I have someone else now -- someone much better -- but even if I didn't, I still wouldn't want or need to engage with my ex outside of work. It's a good feeling, isn't it? boltnrun, your story -- I hope! -- will help a lot of people who are still pining for an ex an think they *can't* get past it. There comes a point where you realize you either have to, or you will be stuck forever. It requires being proactive, really WANTING to move forward, but with effort, it can happen. This was a very empowering story! Link to comment
boltnrun Posted January 29, 2016 Author Share Posted January 29, 2016 Thanks everyone! In my case, it wasn't really a conscious effort to get over him. The key was NO CONTACT. I didn't call him, didn't text him (although I couldn't because he didn't have a cell phone), didn't go see him. I found out a couple of years later that he had reconciled with a previous girlfriend (who he told me had cheated on him and had a baby with someone else), then married her and had another child (turned out the baby she'd had earlier WAS his, she had just tried to pin it on another guy who had more money), he got arrested a time or two for domestic situations (apparently they fought over drugs), then ended up going to prison for something else. So, he made it easy for me to move on. I didn't see him because I COULDN'T. But, as time went on, I didn't even want to. I did see him at an event about 5 or 6 years after he'd broken up with me. I walked over to talk to him because I was curious about how I'd react to him. I felt nothing. Not a thing. I found it strange...how could I feel NOTHING for the "love of my life who I would love FOREVER!!!!!" It was distressing at first, that I could fall out of love with this guy. But then I realized it just wasn't the great love I had thought it was. It was gone, poof, and it would never come back. And it was a great feeling. Link to comment
youareworthy Posted January 30, 2016 Share Posted January 30, 2016 Boy, this is very encouraging! I have finally reached a place where I feel glad that my most recent ex broke things off with me. But I would not want him to suddenly appear on my doorstep, because as convinced as I am intellectually that he was and is not good for me, I would not want my heart to be put to the test right now! Fortunately, I now realize that he was a future faker, and the chances of his ever appearing on my doorstep are slim to none, so my heart probably will NEVER be put to this test. And hopefully if I ever do accidentally run into him on the street, I will feel NOTHING, just as you did. How wonderful that feeling must be! Youareworthy Link to comment
journeynow Posted February 1, 2016 Share Posted February 1, 2016 " They're human. And guess what? There are millions of humans on the planet. Nothing about them makes them any better than anyone else." Yes, you are right. And we're human, we are not any better or worse than anyone else. And we are here to be responsible for both our inner and outward selves. Thumbs up to you, boltnrun Link to comment
gypsybird87 Posted May 3, 2016 Share Posted May 3, 2016 I was randomly searching and found this. I really needed to see this today. Thank you!! Link to comment
youareworthy Posted May 4, 2016 Share Posted May 4, 2016 I love it when that happens! Youareworthy Link to comment
moodindigo91 Posted May 20, 2016 Share Posted May 20, 2016 Could not have said this better myself. Isn't it so funny to see how the tables turn? Link to comment
Cope Posted May 21, 2016 Share Posted May 21, 2016 I found out a couple of years later that he had reconciled with a previous girlfriend (who he told me had cheated on him and had a baby with someone else), then married her and had another child (turned out the baby she'd had earlier WAS his, she had just tried to pin it on another guy who had more money), he got arrested a time or two for domestic situations (apparently they fought over drugs), then ended up going to prison for something else. Talk about dodging a bullet!!! Good job indeed!! Link to comment
SleepyOwl1969 Posted December 31, 2018 Share Posted December 31, 2018 I know this post is old but Boltnrun, thank you. I think I need to read this post everyday. 👏 It used to make me sad if I ever thought about not having feelings for my ex but recently my perspective has changed and I welcome the day. Link to comment
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