Couples counselling and why you really don't care.

[Clinton]

I’ve been around the block a few times in life. I’ve seen many couples have problems in a relationship and fail. I’ve seen many couples break up and try and reconcile and fail.

 

They profess their undying love for each other, claim that they want it to work, yet when it comes to taking concrete steps to doing that work they don’t. Specifically, they won’t admit that they can’t solve the issues on their own and won’t seek professional counselling.

 

I mean really, when a relationship is on the verge of breaking up, or has broken up and you are trying to fix things, the issues are usually so monumental that trying to fix them on your own is pointless. People are usually too entrenched in their positions by that time and unwilling to concede points to their partner.

 

So a professional is needed to sort through things and referee. But those same couples who claim they can’t live without the other balk at the thought of counselling. It’s too expensive, it’s not for them, they don’t need someone telling them what to do, it makes them uncomfortable.

 

My favorite excuse is the “I can’t afford it” one. You can’t afford counselling, yet this person is supposedly your be all and end all, the person you can’t live without? I mean, how important can the relationship be then? If it was REALLY important, wouldn’t you do anything in your power to make it last?

 

You won’t spend money for that. But instead you’ll ask a bunch of strangers online what to do. I mean all we are on enotalone is a bunch of unqualified people taking guesses at peoples situations base on a one sided conversation. We get one persons story, not the whole picture. Do you really want to try and save a relationship based on that?

 

Yeah, I get the fact that it takes two to tango and that if the other person won’t go to couples counselling you’re screwed. But that’s not the excuse I hear most often. It’s simply can’t, won’t, don’t want to.

 

My opinion is that for a lot of us, as much as we whine and howl about loves loss, at the end of the day it’s all for show and sympathy. Because saving a relationship is hard, hard work. Easier just to complain about it and find a shoulder to cry on.

[Iggy5129]

I agree with you and think this goes for all aspects of life. I see so many people that want and feel they deserve everything but would rather complain about not having it handed to them than do the work required.

[journeynow]

I agree, and yet you do have to have the money to pay the therapist. If you don't have the money it is a deterrent.

[DoF]

 

So a professional is needed to sort through things and referee. But those same couples who claim they can’t live without the other balk at the thought of counselling. It’s too expensive, it’s not for them, they don’t need someone telling them what to do, it makes them uncomfortable.

 

Those are words and actions of people that KNOW, VERY WELL that NOTHING can EVER change them.

 

My opinion is that for a lot of us, as much as we whine and howl about loves loss, at the end of the day it’s all for show and sympathy. Because saving a relationship is hard, hard work. Easier just to complain about it and find a shoulder to cry on.

 

That's really what it comes down to. CHANGE and HARD WORK is something that most people simply are not capable of, EVER. Very few people can do this, and those are usually the ones WORTH keeping.

 

 

 

If you talk to most people, they know what they issues are deep inside, they know what they need to do to fix them........the problem is, they won't/refuse to do it. Usually because they are lazy, too caught up in their own ways, selfish or careless.

 

People also LOVE to talk about change. Identify those and filter them out of your life quickly. Those that talk about it, are usually the ones that never do it.

 

I've been in those people shoes myself, I believe we ALL were at some point in our life in some way.

 

Any change to what most people are comfortable with or have been around most of their life = EXTREMELY HARD. I recently did this (lost weight) and let me tell you, when I tally up the work I put in, the amount of time it took.........extremely hard is not even a proper word! It required persistence, will power, time, strength, diet, running, exercise, support, mental consistency and many other things. None of those are easy for extensive periods of time.

 

And the issue is, you have to do those FOREVER. Change is not temporary, it's a LIFETIME ongoing work.

 

Heck I find "staying in shape" to be hard work even though I'm eating healthy!

[Knot2loud]

I mean all we are on enotalone is a bunch of unqualified people taking guesses at peoples situations base on a one sided conversation. We get one persons story, not the whole picture. Do you really want to try and save a relationship based on that?

 

So true... However, I have read comments from those who sought advice and/or help who have succeeded in solving their issue or problem from the people here. All us unqualified people have grouped together and offered many angles and suggestions to try and help those who were seeking that help. Sure, we may be off the mark with a one sided story, but there are those here who seem to have a discerning knack at seeing or recognizing something that isn't quite right.

 

Why do we offer advice or help? Because we really do care for our fellow human being. We are all self-aware human beings with emotions and feelings. We care, we love, we cry, we feel sad, we get angry... We all have those qualities in our being. What else can we do but to offer help and assistance to our own kind.

 

People are truly wonderful. Yes, there are some real sicko's out there that deserve nothing. But for everyone else... It's our mission in life to offer care and kindness to our neighbor.

 

At least until they take a dump on our door step.

[overthemoon86]

I happen to like giving advise on here - whether is about relationships, self-esteem, career, family issues, whatever...I like to think that I am adding value to someone's life wherever they are.

 

I think what you are referring to are people that have problems in their relationship and are not dealing with them properly....but sometimes those relationships aren't worth the counseling - they are too far gone, the people aren't compatible, there is abuse, there is cheating, there is a controlling partner, the lifestyles don't align...I mean I could go on and on...and I am sure someone would rather hear that on a online forum, a friend or a family member, before going through the commitment of counseling.

 

Relationships are definitely hard work and some work and and some don't. But I am really grateful for the community here. I have been helped in my darkest hour and I am so glad I can help others too.

[redswim30]

Many people can't afford professional counseling, it's a luxury item. It does not mean that they don't WANT it, much like really wanting a nice apartment, a decent car, a pet. You may want it with all your heart, but if you can't afford it, you can't afford it. And many people truly can't.

 

That being said, a lot of workplaces offer free counseling, as do many churches, community outreach centers, etc. So, I think other options are possible.

 

But I think the BIGGEST caveat to professional counseling is that people are already past the point of trying. You should go to counseling before the big issues arise. If you wait too long, sometimes the relationship is already beyond repair. Counseling is about more than the counselor, BOTH parties have to be willing to both LISTEN and CHANGE. BOTH PARTIES!!!!

Often in marriages, one party just wants to blame the other party and tell them to change without thinking that they need to admit their own shortcomings or improve themselves.

 

I've seen time and time again, women take their husbands to counseling only to blame him for everything and expect ALL the change to come from him. Obviously, almost all of these have resulted in divorce. You can't be in a marriage of one.

 

Counseling can be a great tool, but it isn't a magic marriage band aid. If both parties aren't committing to accepting responsibility for their own choices, faults in the marriage, and willing to try and make the effort to change themselves (instead of just playing the blame game), then counseling won't help. It just won't.

[thejigsup]

If it is important you, you will find a way to afford it. You.Will.Find.The.Money.

[Deadinside44]

But instead you’ll ask a bunch of strangers online what to do. I mean all we are on enotalone is a bunch of unqualified people taking guesses at peoples situations base on a one sided conversation. We get one persons story, not the whole picture. Do you really want to try and save a relationship based on that?

 

There's a lot to be said for learning from other human experiences. I come here to the forums to not feel alone in my pain...not to save any relationship. I take the advice and suggestions that make sense to me and leave the rest.

 

Because saving a relationship is hard, hard work.

 

I agree wholeheartedly about counseling and that relationships are hard work, especially long term ones. That is why my ex and I went to counseling. But like some cruel joke, I think counseling just gave my ex the strength (and clarity?) to leave me. If and when I get into another long term relationship I would so be open to counseling as a maintenance thing rather than a one last ditch effort thing.

[journeynow]

If it is important you, you will find a way to afford it. You.Will.Find.The.Money.

 

Ideally yes. In reality, this is true for some, but not all. Counseling takes multiple visits over time. It can take time to find the right therapist fit. Around here the rates are incredibly expensive. Couple that with time off of work for appointment and travel to and fro for two people, for some couples that can not be sustained, it adds additional financial stress to an already stressful situation.

 

It doesn't work for everyone.

[sophie274]

While I think relationship counseling could likely help many couples, I also don't think it is a one-stop-shop, look-no-further solution to all relationship problems, even serious ones.

 

1. So many of the threads on here are from people who are in abusive relationships, relationships with serial liars/cheaters, relationships with users ... I think a lot of what posters do on here is give advice-seekers the encouragement and self-confidence to break off bad relationships.

 

2. Some relationship problems are objectively caused by one person's issue - and in that case I don't think the other partner needs to go to counseling. If you are dating someone with crippling insecurities, that person needs to do the work to get better, not drag you into it.

 

3. In cases where relationship counseling would be very beneficial, what you perceive as excuses may not be excuses. Saying that if you want something enough and care enough, you will find a way to afford it does not reflect the reality of many people who are struggling to keep a roof over their heads and keep their children fed. Lots of people live this way. Lots of people simply cannot afford it. Free counseling offered by a church may not be a good option for couples who are not religious. Many churches may have a very biased approach to solving a couple's problem - on issues like birth control/children, gender roles, etc etc ... People who have grown up in cultures that do not discuss their problems and where going to therapy is a sign of weakness may find it extraordinarily difficult to go to counseling - and that's not an excuse. Many people may be afraid of what counseling will reveal ... not a good reason not to go, but can't you understand their fear?

 

I like to err on the side of compassion. When I see someone overweight who desperately wants to be healthier but is struggling to accomplish it or going about it what seems like the wrong way, I don't decide they are weak and full of excuses and don't really care. Losing weight is HARD, otherwise we'd all be thin. Improving a relationship is hard, and even harder because you don't just do the work yourself, you need to have your partner not just working hard but working with you. This stuff is HARD - if it weren't, we'd all have Disney-perfect love stories.

[PH Suite]

Fantastic post, OP!

 

Consider the typical marriage, most ending in unhappiness and/or divorce. How much time and money is spent on a relatively meaningless wedding party, feeding and liquoring guests who in many cases they barely known or see? Often tens of thousands of dollars and countless hours. Contrast that with how much time and money is spent during the whole marriage on couples resources, exercises from books or counsellors, marriage retreats, or even on bettering the self?

 

And that's all you really need to know. Most people don't just balk at the cost of counselling, they balk at the cost of bettering themselves period. Much easier to whine about life and point the finger, and misery loves company which explains these people finding each other then growing bitter and disillusioned together.

 

No time to exercise or better their qualifications to get a better job (or relationship, so as not to be with someone abusive or uncaring) but plenty of time for Facebook, plenty of money for cable tv and DVD collections, and they've seen every episode of Lost, Walking Dead, Star Wars, etc.

 

We must always ask ourselves and our partners... There are two kinds of people in life. The doer and the loser. Which one are you?