Teenaged stepdaughter snooped in our bedroom, swiped wife's toy

[Snny]

That thing should just be destined for the trashcan and just put a lock on your door. Address theft and address invasion of privacy and help answer questions she has about sexuality. Being curious is not inappropriate what she did with her curiosity was inappropriate.

There it is.

 

Who is to say she did? Adding part to the OP because it makes it tabloid doesn't make it true.

Your reaction amuses me. If you're going to single me out on "accusations," then you might as well single several posters as well.

 

The thing is we have no idea WHY she took it and WHAT she did with it once she had possession of it. What we do know is that this wasn't just something that was out in the open or something she found and questioned her parents about it- this was purposely hidden in HER room. This rules out her curiosity. Most teenagers have heard of adult toys- It's been in movies they've watched, and the jokes they hear on TV. Many aren't so naive- just throw it out.

 

In addition, she should also be told that if she sees one in the future and it doesn't belong to her, she should never touch it for hygienic reasons.

[mhowe]

If she sees one in the future and it doesn't belong to her, she shouldn't touch it???!!!!

 

She's 16....not 6!!!lol.

[jimthzz]

Thanks everyone for discussing this. I agree, it grossed me out and alarmed me that she would violate our privacy. She knows she is not supposed to be rummaging around in our possessions, particularly to find something of her mom's like that.

 

She does have a lack of boundary enforcement--longstanding with her mom. when they moved in with me my iphone cords kept disappearing and she would deny that she took them. One day i made her dump her purse out and there were two of mine in there that I had marked with a sharpie. I asked her why she had to lie and if she wanted to borrow one she could ask me.

 

She has a problem with lying too.

 

As for her explorations go, there is no way in hell, as I stated up front, that i will ever address that. That is for her mom and she to discuss. As for the stealing, her mom has to address it too.

 

I'm kind of in a bind. she is mostly already formed attitudewise, and I can't change that and I'm not risking myself to the whims of a 15-year-old.

 

I think when all is said and done, the thing will be tossed, her mom gets a new one if she wants one. She gets nada. If she needs to be Norplanted soon because of her interest in boys and sex, that is something her mom has to address with her doctor.

[Seraphim]

Well if her mother has problems enforcing boundaries and allows her to lie and steal there's not much you can do. The problem is with your wife then. Have a talk with your wife about putting a lock on your bedroom door.

[shellyf62]

Wow......I am amazed at this. I have never had to hide or lock things away from my children, we never snooped on each other.

 

I recently had a chat with my Sister, and she said that things go missing from her room & house all the time. Her Daughter has no boundaries, and always has a lot of friends visiting.

I would be livid if my things were stolen like this, to the point of banning friends & locking my room.

 

It seems that your step daughter has no boundaries & has no problem stealing & lying. In this case I would ground her & put a lock on your bedroom door. I wouldn't both with just the bedside table, I would make the whole room unavailable.

[LC8328]

OK, so it's a boundary issue and more. I would venture to say she's just outright disrespectful.

 

Would I be correct in guessing that your wife doesn't discipline her enough, or stick to it? Sounds like the daughter needs some tough love. That's one thing I could never tolerate in a person no matter who they are.

 

I am sorry you're kind of caught in the crossfires here.

[rosephase]

I did something similar when I was about 16.

 

I would assume at 15 she knew what it was and that is why she took it. Most boys start masturbating at 10-13 and while it can be distressing for parents to realize that it has started to happen, they mostly leave boys alone. A lot of women have there first orgasm with the aid of a vibrator. Honestly? If you are worried about her having sex I would suggest buying her one of her own. (Not as a reward for stealing and invading your privacy but later when you've dealt with that). And also make sure she has someone to talk to about sex (it doesn't have to be you guys but an adult) because shaming her about this is only going to make her hide from you more.

 

She's a young adult. And while it's understandable that you want privacy she lives in that house. She is going to explore every knock and cranny. She's been through all your stuff. I don't know any kids who didn't dig around in their parents stuff. I stole my parents "Magic of Sex" book. Enforcing boundaries is really important but come on.... you had a kid.... she's going to go through your stuff at some point. She's going to steal and lie and grow up. If you come down on her hard about something this related to sex your not going to make sure that she will be hiding it better in the future.

 

You and your wife are the adults, grow up about sex. Start talking to her. Help her make good choices.

[abitbroken]

Okay - the whole "mom addresses everything" is not working.

 

Everything to do with boundaries that has to do with you - you are allowed to address. Even though I am not their "family" - the rule with my boyfriend's nieces and nephews is if they do something that directly hurts me or crosses my boundary line, I am allowed to address it. if they kick me, take something from my purse or otherwise disrespect me or my pets, I don't have to have a heart to heart with their parents or my boyfriend. I can tell them to stop on the spot, I can draw a line in the sand, and more.

 

So, therefore, if she crosses a line with you and YOUR personal boundaries you have every right to address it. Remember - this is YOUR household - as much as your wife's and it is not you and your female roommate and her daughter.

 

It is incorrect that a 15 year old is done learning morals and boundaries. Strong role models at that point in life do make a big difference, especially if things have been willy nilly before. I suggest that if mom doesn't want to take the reigns here, that maybe marital/family counseling is in order to help you cobble together some boundaries in discipline so you are a united front or where you can take the lead.

 

Also, has her parents' divorce ever been fully addressed as far as the daughter is concerned? Has the daughter had counseling in the past to work through it? Some teenagers who have a hard time being carted back and forth between mom and dad, or if the divorce happened in teenhood might tend to act out and push boundaries in different ways.

 

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I think any dialogue about sex should be addressed separately from this incident. It should not be "oh, our little girl stole a vibrator as a cry for help or as a conversation opener about sex.Lets get her her own" I am far from a prude, but I don't think she should be rewarded in any way. Part of healthy sexual health is respecting the boundaries of others, too, their bodies and their items. At another time - and ongoing - the mother should talk to her about the growing up stuff or other sexual topics. Getting punished for stealing a vibrator is not something parents should be worried about creating bad triggers about sexual shame for their kid.

 

I am sure many of us took a look at sex books of our folks or what not, but stealing and lying is an ongoing issue here.

[becomingkate]

Our kids were in our room two years ago and the next day we installed a lock.

Within a few weeks I noticed things were being taken from our bathroom ( make up & hair brushes) so we put a lock on it (they have their own bathroom) The 16 yr old was offended, but they soon realized that we were serious.

I feel a lot more secure knowing they can't get in there.