7 months...

[ajhurst210]

I haven't posted on here in awhile... i'm not sure if that's a good thing or bad thing, but here i am again. I just kind of need to release i guess. It always helped a little to get my thoughts and feelings out on here among other people who can empathize and are going through similar feelings.

 

It's been seven months since my ex of 2.5 years left me for another man. There's a lot I've done in terms of healing and moving on, and a lot that i still haven't. If someone would've tried to tell me this time last year, that my life would be what it is now... i never would've believed it.

 

On the surface... i'm a better person from the experience, and my life is better without her. It influenced me to eat healthier, workout more, go back to college and get a degree, to use my life to help others by working a second job as a CNA at the hospital, become closer to my friends, and love and appreciate my family even more than i did before....

 

But beneath the surface, where everything is stripped away... and all that is left is raw, untouched emotion. I'm still battling so many demons every day. It's incredible (yet not surprising to me at all) how much I've let the words and actions of one girl i only knew for a small fraction of my life, over shadow and over power the words of people that have known me since i was born, and determine my own self worth.

 

I find myself constantly feeling ugly, boring, weird, uninteresting, unlovable, pathetic ect... just basically everything that that little monster on your shoulder whispers to you throughout your life... only now it has a megaphone. I try to combat it all. I try to love myself and get back to the person i was. I go to a counselor about once every other week. I was weary about it at first, but it's nice to have a place where you can go and just spill everything out on the table and not be judged for it or feel like you have to be someone else or hold anything back.

 

Through it all, I've found out how strong i can be, and on the flip side... just how weak i can be. I continue to find the motivation every day to keep pushing forward with school, working two jobs, exercising, family, friends... when most of the time all i want to do is just lay down and admit defeat. So i guess i need to give myself credit for that... especially when I came very close to giving up. Those first few months were a nightmare. I lost track of the amount of times i cried myself to sleep, the times I'd have to go lock myself in the bathroom at work to break down. I lost so much weight. I went on antidepressants (wouldn't recommend it) i became pretty dependent on alcohol and would drink to excess by myself 3 or 4 times a week (also wouldn't recommend) But i turned it around, or well, am at least trying to turn it around. Sometimes it all feels desperate, and maybe to some extent it is. But what else can you do? The world keeps turning and life keeps going. You just learn to survive after awhile.

 

I still slip-up every now and then and go back to those darker days. Recently, for the first time since she left me... i saw her and the new guy out together. I didn't know what he looked like, anything about him or their relationship... i made an effort from the very beginning to stay off of social media, to not text her, to not ask about her or try to learn anything about him and keep NC in every way shape and form, which i have done successfully. But seeing them out as a couple like that, really set me back for a few days. I knew it was bound to happen sooner or later and tried to prepare myself for it. but it still took a lot more out of me than i care to admit.

 

Really, with it being 7 months now... the whole thing still takes more out of me than i care to admit. It's pretty aggravating. For many months now I've done every single thing I'm supposed to do in order to move on... everything but get over her.

 

I really don't know how much longer it'll take me. Maybe the pain/hurt/sadness/rejection/loneliness won't go away until i myself meet someone else. Maybe I'll wake up one day out of the blue and realize i haven't thought about them in days and I'll be okay with it. Maybe I'll eventually learn to be happy for her and forgive her, forgive myself, forgive love and life and I'll finally be at peace with it. Or maybe I'll never get over it and I'll carry it like a scar forever. I don't know.

 

All i know, is that it's been a hell of a year. And maybe there's something to the fact that it still hurts so much. Maybe that just means that i can say i actually loved someone as deeply and as truly as possible because only then, could it impact me as much as it has. So i suppose i should be proud of myself for that.

 

Anyway, like i said... just needed to release. Hope everyone on here is keeping their chin up as much as possible. If you're anything like me, the upcoming holidays are gonna be rough. Just gotta push through it.

[mhowe]

You are doing great...your healing truly started when you stopped using alcohol to numb the pain. Break ups hurt...there isn't any getting around it. But you are putting your life back together.

 

My only suggestion would be to reach up and take the troll off your shoulder and toss him off the nearest bridge.

[Clinton]

You're doing fantastic. This is all normal. Nobody likes seeing their ex, especially with someone else, but it fades in time.

 

My ex wife and I can sit down with and be civil without any effect at functions for our kids. Of course that's been 22 years since the divorce

 

Keep on the path you're on and it won't matter eventually

[WithLove]

You're doing a great job! Healing takes time and that amount of time is different for everyone. You sound like a really good guy and I know there's someone out there for you. You also sound pretty self-aware, so I know you'll only get involved with someone when you're ready.

 

Keep doing what you're doing (minus the alcohol) and keep your head held high. You've got this!

[reinventmyself]

Beautifully written and thought provoking!

 

Sometimes you just have an epiphany. I know I did.

I have no idea where it came from but after months of wallowing I looked in the mirror one morning and said `I am just sick and tired, of feeling sick and tired!'

And it sort of became a choice. It's hard to explain. I guess I just got sick of hearing the negative loop that played in my head. Exhausting.

 

Hope it helps. . even in some small way.

Hang in there!

[kbbcoop77]

At 7 months I was still pretty messed up. I started feeling half way normal about a year out. Still healing after 21 months but it was a long relationship so i figured I was in for a ride. Believe me it gets better. Definitely cut back or cut off the alcohol as its a depressant and always makes me feel worse the next day for a couple days at least. I cope much better without a hangover. Just hang in there

[ajhurst210]

Thanks guys. I'm still swinging, but sometimes it really feels like I'm losing the fight anyway ya know?

 

I have stopped the excessive drinking/abusing alcohol. I don't really know why I turned to it to begin with because I never was much of a drinker before, and I definitely never used it to deal with my emotions.

 

She just sort of took the wind out from me and I got really reckless for awhile...

 

 

[TMifune]

Glad to hear you're making progress and doing okay!

[rich46]

I remember your posts in the early days as I also used to spend a lot of time on here (my break up was 8 months ago).

 

This latest post shows so much strength compared to the ones I remember, especially the ones where you had been drinking a lot.

 

I admire what you have done, and it is normal to not be totally over it at the 7 month mark, but that time will come if you keep forging ahead with all the things you have put in place.

 

Take care....

 

Rich

[kudos]

Thanks for posting this. It hit home so much It made me cry but almost a happy cry. Happy that im not alone in this and happy that there are men out their with big hearts and so much love to give. My ex left me for another girl. It hurts really bad. It's 4 months no contact today and I could relate to everything you have said. It makes me sad thinking that I could be feeling like this for a long time yet. I also saw my ex and 'that girl' a month or so ago, he brought her somewhere that he knew I would be and completely ignored my existance. She had replaced me in a life i dreamed of with a man i that ment the world to me and it set me back too but also was a turning point for me. Can't wait for the day where I couldn't care less. Good luck in the rest of your journey to feeling amazing again. You will get there. Xx

[Ms Darcy]

Are you also getting therapy?

[ajhurst210]

Thanks for posting this. It hit home so much It made me cry but almost a happy cry. Happy that im not alone in this and happy that there are men out their with big hearts and so much love to give. My ex left me for another girl. It hurts really bad. It's 4 months no contact today and I could relate to everything you have said. It makes me sad thinking that I could be feeling like this for a long time yet. I also saw my ex and 'that girl' a month or so ago, he brought her somewhere that he knew I would be and completely ignored my existance. She had replaced me in a life i dreamed of with a man i that ment the world to me and it set me back too but also was a turning point for me. Can't wait for the day where I couldn't care less. Good luck in the rest of your journey to feeling amazing again. You will get there. Xx

 

It's crazy isn't it? How you can spend so long with someone, go through so much with someone, they know all the most intimate parts of you... and then all you are anymore to each other are two people who won't even look each other in the eyes anymore when they see one another. When I saw my ex with her new man, I know she had to have seen me. I walked right by her within a foot. Yet we both just ignore one another like we had never even met let alone dated. Ex relationships are so unnatural feeling no matter how you approach it.

 

Anyway, I'm sorry you're going through this too. I'm glad, if nothing else though, that I can provide you with the comfort of knowing you're not alone.

 

Keep your heart and chin up. Every storm passes eventually.

[ajhurst210]

Are you also getting therapy?

 

Am I? Yes. I go once or twice every two weeks, depending on when my counselor can get me in.

[Ms Darcy]

Am I? Yes. I go once or twice every two weeks, depending on when my counselor can get me in.

 

How is that going? What goals have you been setting for yourself there (I don't mean going to school, working two jobs, etc)?

[ajhurst210]

How is that going? What goals have you been setting for yourself there (I don't mean going to school, working two jobs, etc)?

 

It's going alright. Like i said, it's a good release and lets me talk about my feelings without holding anything back or being embarrassed. I won't say it's the answer to everything though. I can talk about it all i want to whomever i want... in the end, only i can help myself. Counseling is more of a like a tool to help with that.

 

We've talked about setting goals for what i want out of going, at first i wanted to dissect everything like i had been doing for months on my own and figure out all the whys and hows and we spent our time exploring all that... now i think ultimately i just want to finally let go so i can be happy again. That's the hardest part for me... staying so busy with two jobs and school is keeping me distracted enough and keeping me one step ahead of my heartache... but it's still in there and catches up to me when things get quiet and i give myself the time to actually feel it again... if that makes sense. I feel like I've gotten to a point where i got so tired of being miserable that i'm combating it with all these life changes. They're positive life changes and everything... but it doesn't mean it's making me any happier because i'm still holding onto my sadness, just sorta locking it away maybe.

 

I guess it's all just survival in the end. You take the bad parts of life and learn to survive. You keep pushing forward... even if you have to crawl for awhile...

[Ms Darcy]

Well, I'll just put it in this way. Let's say Tom, Joe, and Andy all sprain their ankle - very painful. Tom might lay off it until he gets better. Joe may lay off it but stay very busy with making phone calls to keep his mind of the pain. Andy might take some pain pills. Eventually, they all heal. But for Andy it takes 2 weeks, for Joe it takes 2 months and Tom it takes 3 months.

 

For me, the value of therapy wasn't venting. Maybe initial venting is helpful to start to process things. But for me, what you said here isn't about a break up. It's about what a relationship masked ... and when the relationship was gone, it revealed. "I find myself constantly feeling ugly, boring, weird, uninteresting, unlovable, pathetic ect... just basically everything that that little monster on your shoulder whispers to you throughout your life... only now it has a megaphone."

 

If you can start framing yourself outside of what she's done to you, if she can start to get out of your vocabulary in the context of your self-esteem, you will really have something to talk about with your therapist.

 

Sorry to hear what you are going through. Best of luck.

[kudos]

It's crazy isn't it? How you can spend so long with someone, go through so much with someone, they know all the most intimate parts of you... and then all you are anymore to each other are two people who won't even look each other in the eyes anymore when they see one another. When I saw my ex with her new man, I know she had to have seen me. I walked right by her within a foot. Yet we both just ignore one another like we had never even met let alone dated. Ex relationships are so unnatural feeling no matter how you approach it.

 

Anyway, I'm sorry you're going through this too. I'm glad, if nothing else though, that I can provide you with the comfort of knowing you're not alone.

 

Keep your heart and chin up. Every storm passes eventually.

 

Yes this is what I'm struggling to deal with. The man I planned to spend the rest of my life with is now a 'stranger'. We can't even say hi. I could tell he was uncomfortable when he saw me, but he knew I would be there! It still kills me. But I've grown so much as a person. Every cloud had a silver lining and all that. Even the darkest clouds! X

[sky09]

You've already answered all of your questions in your own posts You just have to keep going. There is only now, so do your best of it. Memories and run-ins like that will set you back, of course. The road is long and hard, but you have to keep going. To mirror the others, you are doing just fine

[ForgetYourEvil]

Dude... absolutely amazing post. First and foremost, I want to say.. GOOD JOB not self-medicating yourself to "get over" this. I haven't drank since April 2015 and let me tell you.. it was the best decision I ever made. Now I have to face my breakup. I actually have to confront my emotions.... it's hard now, but the payoff will be HUGE. Keep it up. Also, just because she left you doesn't mean there's anything wrong with you. It just means you weren't the right fit. That's all. You are getting your life in order and a woman will appreciate all you have to offer. Trust me man. Stay strong and don't let this little slip up get you down. You're doing so well. I'm here for you if you need to chat/vent/whatever. Keep up with the NC and keep moving forward!!!!!!

[ForgetYourEvil]

It's crazy isn't it? How you can spend so long with someone, go through so much with someone, they know all the most intimate parts of you... and then all you are anymore to each other are two people who won't even look each other in the eyes anymore when they see one another. When I saw my ex with her new man, I know she had to have seen me. I walked right by her within a foot. Yet we both just ignore one another like we had never even met let alone dated. Ex relationships are so unnatural feeling no matter how you approach it.

 

Anyway, I'm sorry you're going through this too. I'm glad, if nothing else though, that I can provide you with the comfort of knowing you're not alone.

 

Keep your heart and chin up. Every storm passes eventually.

 

THIS is so true. I know the feeling... experiencing it right now... It's like the song, "Now you're just somebody that I used to know." It sucks, it hurts, it stings. But it's the only way to properly heal. You have to just move on as if that person doesn't exist anymore. The memories will still be there, but try not to go there. Try to stay present and focus on you and your future. Get your swagger back, man!