Operation Finding Girlfriend

[Fudgie]

For the record, I don't think you should be paying for every single date/plan. A decent woman that you develop a relationship with will be able to chip in at LEAST some of the time. Little princesses who expect to be catered to and paid for ALL of the time are not women that are worth your time. A woman can still be feminine and chip in once a relationship is established. A man who has masculine energy will do some of the pursuing, making plans...but he won't do ALL of the chasing/making plans while the girl is being a cold fish about it. He knows when to walk away.

 

Some feminine women are into a man who is a little more aloof (naturally), someone who pursues sometimes, but he won't drop everything and anything to do something with her: he has other plans sometimes because he has a life/friends, etc.

 

I have no idea what it is about you that made this woman think that you were too doormat-able for her, I can only guess as can you. But we do know, from her own words, that it was the case.

 

You're right, we don't know the full story. I don't know you in person. All I can do is read what you've posted. However, the last girl stopped seeing you BECAUSE of this feminine energy thing: she said so herself in her very own words. I get that it's really frustrating but I really think you'll see more progress in therapy once you get working on your underlying issues. Maybe then you can be your own authentic self better, rather than following rules out from others on how to attract women.

[katrina1980]

 

Can none of you girls admit that you've been attracted to men in your life who were more "mysterious" or you weren't sure if they were 100% interested in you and you kept trying.....?

 

Yes, but I wasn't attracted to them because they were mysterious and I was uncertain of their feelings.... I was attracted to them in spite of those things.

 

Big difference.

 

And if I continued feeling uncertain of his feelings or attraction, then eventually I ended up losing MY attraction.

 

ETA: If a woman becomes attracted to a man only because she finds him mysterious and elusive, what kind of attraction is that? It's shallow and superficial, not based on anything substantive or meaningful.

 

And what happens when he stops being mysterious and elusive, what then? She will lose her attraction because all it was based on was a bunch of superficial BS that doesn't mean a hill of beans in the grand scheme of things.

 

Now if a guy's only intention is getting a woman into bed... then have at it!

 

But if he wants something meaningful and substantive in his life, then I wouldn't recommend he play that game.

[Fudgie]

Can none of you girls admit that you've been attracted to men in your life who were more "mysterious" or you weren't sure if they were 100% interested in you and you kept trying or were "curious"? Maybe I'm not making sense. It's not about playing a game, it's just about not throwing yourself 100% at a girl's feet right away, throwing compliments left and right etc.

 

Not into guys like that (I'm masculine energy primarily) but my boyfriend (who has more feminine energy) has told me that what drew him to me in the beginning, besides the fact that I was pretty and smart, was the fact that I was more mysterious. He's known me for a year now and still thinks I'm mysterious. That's not an act on my part, I'm very open with him, it's just how I am and how he is.

 

He knows that I'm interested in him. I messaged him first on online dating. He paid for our date but while we were affectionate, it was definitely him that was the most affectionate/feeling/etc. That's still kind of true today. I'm pretty naturally aloof. That's just how I am. He is not. that's why we work well.

 

I don't really date masculine-energy guys...done it before and it doesn't end well. So I can tell pretty early on if I would jive with someone and/or if they are putting on a front. Again, it boils down to your underlying issues. No matter what you do, when you really get down to brass tacks, many smart women will catch on and will sense it as they continue dating you. You will repel the feminine ones and get the steam-rollers instead or none at all.

[Coldarmy13]

Sorry that you are feeling down. A break might help you feel better.

 

Thanks Darcy. I'm okay I was just letting spoon know I get it and that I'm probably trying too hard too and there's where the problem most likely lies. No matter how we think we are playing it cool. That a break would probably do him well.

[Ms Darcy]

Can none of you girls admit that you've been attracted to men in your life who were more "mysterious" or you weren't sure if they were 100% interested in you and you kept trying or were "curious"? Maybe I'm not making sense. It's not about playing a game, it's just about not throwing yourself 100% at a girl's feet right away, throwing compliments left and right etc.

 

I get it, you guys think I am some huge walking feminine pushover or something, and I can appreciate the areas of my life that exhibit that and need to be worked on, but I am getting frustrated because you guys don't know the whole story and you seem to think that every single problem I have with all these girls is because I am not "masculine enough" or something. Corey Wayne isn't a bad guy, I like him, I've learned a lot from him. He's not disrespectful to women nor is he one of the demeaning PUAs from The Game like Mystery, etc. He gives good advice most of the time. He is consistent in his advice on interactions with women: set the time/place/date, state your intentions, be strong in your conviction, relax and make the woman feel comfortable and just be fun to be around, and let things happen naturally and don't try to force things.

 

Yes, there is a fine line between being assertive and initiating contact/suggesting dates, etc and being a stage 5 stalker. If any of you remember my old thread here 3 years ago, about my 2yr ex, I was constantly getting extremely frustrated because I WAS DOING ALL THE CHASING and it was getting exhausting.

 

To be honest, I think some of the folks who posted in response made this all to overly simplistic and have really confused the issue. The core issue is that dating for you right now is a really bad idea and the best advice for you would be to find ways to get help - through therapy and re-calibrating your meds.

 

When you are centered in yourself, the masculine/feminine stuff will work out. That's why I was initially concerned bringing it up would be a bit of a red herring. It's just hard not to mention because a woman who met you basically said it. And you can't really deny that.

[Fudgie]

^ Agree with Mrs Darcy. That's why I kep bringing up the therapy bit. You will feel a lot better and as I said, more authentic and at peace.

[TheSpoon2Big]

This whole thing got me back to thinking about Corey Wayne. Again, I don't think he has a negative agenda. He honestly just wants to help men understand and have successful dating experiences and live happier lives. It's not demeaning or anything. Regarding the whole pursuing and chasing bit, I wanted to get you all's take on one part of his book that I am reading. Tell me he's full of crap 100%, I don't know, but check it out. Now, full disclosure, with a grain of salt I read it because I know for the most part he's speaking to men who don't necessarily have the inner issues I have, but it does resonate with me. And no person is 100% put together. No one is devoid of any emotional baggage. So to think that this advice below ONLY applies to those who don't have any other problems in their lives in false. However, when he talks about mission and purpose and goals, I interpret those to myself as my desire to one day be "rid" of my insecurities. Or at least get them to a much more manageable level, if you will. My "mission" right now is to get help, in therapy. But to say that therapy is the ONLY way to help me can't be true. I don't think there's any harm in reading a book for men that is just trying to be helpful on how to be more "masculine". Anyways, curious what your thoughts are on the following from him. Also, when I read these types of things or watch videos or listen to podcasts, it's not like I didn't know any of these little rules/laws of attraction or dating and have never approached a woman before in my life.

 

 

"One of the most important things to understand when you meet a woman is that women love mystery. They love a guy that is his own man despite what others think about him or who he should be. They love a guy that is confident and goes for what he wants in life without fear. They want a man that is centered, one that is in control of himself, has purpose, and knows where he is going. A woman wants a man she can't have her way with, and no matter what she says or does, she is not going to be able to sway him from his path or from his purpose in life.

 

A true Alpha Male, a man who goes for what he wants and has positive expectations that he will achieve his goals, will choose his purpose and his passion over a woman if faced with the choice. Masculine energy, after all, is about purpose, drive, mission, succeeding, accomplishing, breaking thru barriers, achieving goals, etc.

 

Feminine energy is about opening up to receive love, bonding, connection, etc. Women are physically, emotionally, mentally, and spiritually designed to receive a man.

 

The wonderful truth is that if you treat a woman properly and allow her to come to you at her own pace with minimal and simple actions on your part, she will do most of the chasing, calling, texting, and pursuing! That allows you to focus on what's most important in any man's life, your mission and purpose! Ironically, the more you focus on and passionately pursue your purpose in life, the more attractive women will find you in general. A man pursuing a purpose he has a burning desire to accomplish gives off a much happier, peaceful, relaxed, successful, inviting, confident and positive vibe than a guy who hates his job, his life, and his circumstances.

 

Adam Carolla, the comedian, says that when a woman likes you, she starts opening her doors and all you have to do is walk through them, but if they start closing in your face you simply walk away. Guys who fail with women tend to chase and pursue too much to the point of appearing like a stalker when they sense a woman pulling away. They falsely believe that by taking action they will make something happen. Unfortunately, all that happens is that they make the girl go away and start ignoring them."

[Fudgie]

A lot of that actually makes sense.

 

I don't think it hurts at all to read but as you said, I do think therapy is the best thing for you to pursue because: simply put, you seem to know the right things to do, the things to avoid, etc. Now it's time to get you back to where you're feeling good emotionally so you can really exude health, masculine energy, and propose, so you can not only find the girl you want, but be the man you want to be too.

 

You're getting on a good path here.

[katrina1980]

This whole thing got me back to thinking about Corey Wayne. Again, I don't think he has a negative agenda. He honestly just wants to help men understand and have successful dating experiences and live happier lives. It's not demeaning or anything. Regarding the whole pursuing and chasing bit, I wanted to get you all's take on one part of his book that I am reading. Tell me he's full of crap 100%, I don't know, but check it out. Now, full disclosure, with a grain of salt I read it because I know for the most part he's speaking to men who don't necessarily have the inner issues I have, but it does resonate with me. And no person is 100% put together. No one is devoid of any emotional baggage. So to think that this advice below ONLY applies to those who don't have any other problems in their lives in false. However, when he talks about mission and purpose and goals, I interpret those to myself as my desire to one day be "rid" of my insecurities. Or at least get them to a much more manageable level, if you will. My "mission" right now is to get help, in therapy. But to say that therapy is the ONLY way to help me can't be true. I don't think there's any harm in reading a book for men that is just trying to be helpful on how to be more "masculine". Anyways, curious what your thoughts are on the following from him. Also, when I read these types of things or watch videos or listen to podcasts, it's not like I didn't know any of these little rules/laws of attraction or dating and have never approached a woman before in my life.

 

 

"One of the most important things to understand when you meet a woman is that women love mystery. They love a guy that is his own man despite what others think about him or who he should be. They love a guy that is confident and goes for what he wants in life without fear. They want a man that is centered, one that is in control of himself, has purpose, and knows where he is going. A woman wants a man she can't have her way with, and no matter what she says or does, she is not going to be able to sway him from his path or from his purpose in life.

 

A true Alpha Male, a man who goes for what he wants and has positive expectations that he will achieve his goals, will choose his purpose and his passion over a woman if faced with the choice. Masculine energy, after all, is about purpose, drive, mission, succeeding, accomplishing, breaking thru barriers, achieving goals, etc.

 

Feminine energy is about opening up to receive love, bonding, connection, etc. Women are physically, emotionally, mentally, and spiritually designed to receive a man.

 

The wonderful truth is that if you treat a woman properly and allow her to come to you at her own pace with minimal and simple actions on your part, she will do most of the chasing, calling, texting, and pursuing! That allows you to focus on what's most important in any man's life, your mission and purpose! Ironically, the more you focus on and passionately pursue your purpose in life, the more attractive women will find you in general. A man pursuing a purpose he has a burning desire to accomplish gives off a much happier, peaceful, relaxed, successful, inviting, confident and positive vibe than a guy who hates his job, his life, and his circumstances.

 

Adam Carolla, the comedian, says that when a woman likes you, she starts opening her doors and all you have to do is walk through them, but if they start closing in your face you simply walk away. Guys who fail with women tend to chase and pursue too much to the point of appearing like a stalker when they sense a woman pulling away. They falsely believe that by taking action they will make something happen. Unfortunately, all that happens is that they make the girl go away and start ignoring them."

 

Big Spoon.... I agree with all of this... it is RIGHT ON.... EXCEPT what's in bolded. It contradicts his entire message that women are the feminine energy and, and as such, are open to receiving love, bonding, connection, from the man.

 

She NOT receiving if she's doing the pursuing/chasing... she is taking, she is the aggressor, which is masculine energy. HE is receiving. Which is passive, feminine energy.

 

It is definitely a balance. Definitely pursue. Indicate your interest and attraction (within reason). Gauge how she is responding to your pursuit. If she is responding positively, then continue doing what you're doing. Why change what's working?

 

On the other hand, if she is not responding to your pursuit, breaking dates, not returning texts or phone calls, then you next her, period, end of, she's either not interested or playing games. Maybe contact her in a week or two, if you think she's worth it. If you had been pursuing her too hard, then when and if you reconnect, slow down your pursuit some.

 

But if she's responding positively to your initial pursuit and you start to switch it up so that SHE is doing the chasing and being the aggressor, she is going to get confused and think you have lost interest.... and she will shut down.

She will also eventually turn off (sexually and otherwise), because most women don't relish being forced into the masculine energy role of aggressor/pursuer.

 

I know I do. I am definitely feminine energy all the way... when I am attracted to and feel chemistry with a man, I enjoy when he pursues me, and is confident enough to go for what he wants and takes it (me!). I find that incredibly sexy and it turns me on!

 

Being forced into the aggressive (masculine energy) role of chasing him does nothing for me.... it's a turn off, sexually and otherwise.

 

Where many men make their mistake is when they come on TOO strong, pursue TOO hard.... it's overwhelming. They don't give a woman time to wonder about them and to miss them... which is important and I would give the same advice to women re men!

 

I agree with Corey Wayne that you have to allow a woman to come to you at her own pace, but that still doesn't mean pulling back to the point she starts chasing you, because again, that makes her the aggressor, which is masculine energy... and you in the passive "receiving" mode which is feminine energy. Again it's a balance.

 

I also agree with Adam Corolla. When a woman likes you, she WILL start opening her doors and all you have to do is walk through them. She will make it all very easy by responding positively to your pursuit, and reciprocating.

 

But if she starts closing her doors in your face you simply walk away. NEXT.

 

With respect to a man focusing on his mission and purpose, obviously he can do that and still pursue a woman.

 

I don't know where CW ever got the idea that he couldn't.

[TheSpoon2Big]

I agree about the contradictory bit regarding having a mission and purpose yet while still pursuing a woman. This was just an intro piece into his book. I think what he was trying to get at more or less is shifting more of the focus off of making pursuing the woman the mission and purpose as opposed to the whole "nice to have, don't NEED to have" philosophy. At least, that's how I take it. And yes, I don't think that by NOT pursuing and getting the woman to do all the pursuing is attractive or masculine and shifts her into pursuing/masculine mode, so I agree there. In fact, if a girl was pursuing me endlessly - and yes, I have had many women relentlessly pursue me and I haven't been interested - I would not be interested. I guess I don't mind the chase, to a point. I enjoy the courting process in a sense, I like being a gentleman and "pursuing" a woman. I have overdone it at times. Many times. Many guys feel though that if they pursue in even a "healthy" way that the woman will shut the door in their face and think they're creepy or being a stalker. I know many well intentioned meaning genuine guys like this. So what do they do? Nothing at all! Either they don't approach women PERIOD or even try because they don't want to be rejected or something, or they've had their fair share of doors shut in their face and just shut down and don't know how to properly gauge a woman's interest level.

Maybe what Corey Wayne meant, or maybe what it means to ME is that less is more. Meaning, of course you pursue and show interest and set and make definite dates, but that you don't make the woman your focus entirely.

[Ms Darcy]

"One of the most important things to understand when you meet a woman is that women love mystery. They love a guy that is his own man despite what others think about him or who he should be. They love a guy that is confident and goes for what he wants in life without fear. They want a man that is centered, one that is in control of himself, has purpose, and knows where he is going. A woman wants a man she can't have her way with, and no matter what she says or does, she is not going to be able to sway him from his path or from his purpose in life.

 

I think this is being misread, to be honest. The first sentence is about mystery. It asserts that women love mystery. On the whole, I don't agree.

 

But the supporting sentences have nothing to do with mystery. They say women love a man who is confident, independent, and self-controlled. THAT, I agree with.

 

It's just unfortunate those different ideas are mixed in together as if they are the same because they are not.

[katrina1980]

I agree about the contradictory bit regarding having a mission and purpose yet while still pursuing a woman. This was just an intro piece into his book. I think what he was trying to get at more or less is shifting more of the focus off of making pursuing the woman the mission and purpose as opposed to the whole "nice to have, don't NEED to have" philosophy. At least, that's how I take it. And yes, I don't think that by NOT pursuing and getting the woman to do all the pursuing is attractive or masculine and shifts her into pursuing/masculine mode, so I agree there. In fact, if a girl was pursuing me endlessly - and yes, I have had many women relentlessly pursue me and I haven't been interested - I would not be interested. I guess I don't mind the chase, to a point. I enjoy the courting process in a sense, I like being a gentleman and "pursuing" a woman. I have overdone it at times. Many times. Many guys feel though that if they pursue in even a "healthy" way that the woman will shut the door in their face and think they're creepy or being a stalker. I know many well intentioned meaning genuine guys like this. So what do they do? Nothing at all! Either they don't approach women PERIOD or even try because they don't want to be rejected or something, or they've had their fair share of doors shut in their face and just shut down and don't know how to properly gauge a woman's interest level.

 

Maybe what Corey Wayne meant, or maybe what it means to ME is that less is more.

 

 

 

--------

 

 

****Meaning, of course you pursue and show interest and set and make definite dates, but that you don't make the woman your focus entirely.

 

Re ^^ absolutely agree which is essentially what I said too. Pursue within reason. Give her a chance to wonder about and miss you. Maintain a healthy balance between pursuing and distance.

 

If a woman shuts the door, you do nothing. Except NEXT her.

 

Rejection is a part of life, the human experience. When rejected, you get up, shake that **** off and carry on.

 

And keep going! Maybe learn something for next time..

 

I also agree with you, do not make a woman the focus of your life. Speaking personally again, I don't even want to be the focus of a man's life! And will get turned off if I am.

 

I don't know your entire history Big Spoon, I have not read this entire thread.

 

Others are suggesting therapy and meds so perhaps this whole situation is a bit more complex than I am aware of.

 

In any event, best of luck to you.

[katrina1980]

^^Clarification.

 

Do not make a woman the "main" focus of your life.

[TheSpoon2Big]

I'm sure you guys will be happy, I went back to therapy this morning. Actually spent all day yesterday in bed sick and had to stay home from work, still am not feeling well, but went to the group therapy (DBT) thing this morning. It was awkward, and between that and my individual therapy fees, it set me back a bit of money. But no one can say that I'm not trying, or that I don't take it seriously. I really DO want to get better. It's just a struggle that I don't know that I will ever be 100% "cured" of. And although I probably shouldn't be trying to find my wife by tomorrow, I don't want to be completely discouraged from dating entirely until I am "healed" completely, or whatever. Everyone is different... I don't think it's fair to put me in a box and say I should take the next 2 years off from dating or something like that and just expect that by that time I'll be all fine and dandy. I don't know what the right answer is. I know it's not either one of those extremes of either A) marriage tomorrow! or B) abstinence for X amount of time i.e. 1-2 years.

 

Next month, the end of Oct exactly, it will mark 1yr that I've been single from my last 2yr ex. I feel the weather and the seasons changing, and I can't help but always reflect on where I was at any given point in my life usually 1yr ago at any certain time. Meaning, every birthday I'll think back to where I was/what I was doing in my life on my last birthday. Christmas, same thing, stuff like that, you know? Just coming up on a time in my life almost a year ago that wasn't pleasant at all. In fact, it was this weekend exactly a year ago, Labor Day weekend, when my ex and I flew to Las Vegas for a few days together that turned into a nightmare disaster fight trip. A month later, that was the end of us for good. I broke up with her in Oct/Nov. She spent two weeks afterwards begging me to talk to her, to get back together with her. I blocked her every way of trying to talk to me. Then 2 months later I reached back out in Jan as a sob story, wanting to try to get back together again as I had a mental breakdown. Now she's most likely all "official" with someone again now, who knows, and repeatedly told me we weren't getting back together, and now I have a restraining order from her against me as a scar on my record. I've had my myriad of failed encounters with women as this thread has done a great job of illustrating. She won.

 

I just don't know, it's weird to me, at every point in my life I've usually been in a long term serious relationship. I haven't had such long spanning periods (to me at least) of being single and not by choice. One could argue it's necessary, it's good, and one shouldn't be going from one relationship to the next. That's very true. The longest I was single before that I recall was towards the end of my time in the Army and right afterwards, about a year. Then I was with a girl for 4 years. Then only single for a few months really before a 1.5yr relationship, then only single for another 3+ months before my last 2yr ex. And now it's coming up on a year. I am just rambling now.

 

Just thought you'd like to know that I went to group therapy this morning, and hopefully this week I'll be back in individual weekly counseling sessions again. Word to come on if the VA will help me or not.

[Ms Darcy]

Good for you for getting into therapy! Congrats dude.

 

Going from one relationship to another is called "leap frogging." It's a very bad thing. You haven't really been single for almost a year though. You did have an "official" though short relationship. And of course you've had lots of attempts.

 

I think there's the "extremes" you are talking about would be a) Marriage tomorrow and b) being single and abstinent for the next 10 years. Staying single for a year, without chasing women, is hardly an extreme in my humble opinion.

[TheSpoon2Big]

Good for you for getting into therapy! Congrats dude.

 

Going from one relationship to another is called "leap frogging." It's a very bad thing. You haven't really been single for almost a year though. You did have an "official" though short relationship. And of course you've had lots of attempts.

 

I think there's the "extremes" you are talking about would be a) Marriage tomorrow and b) being single and abstinent for the next 10 years. Staying single for a year, without chasing women, is hardly an extreme in my humble opinion.

 

Less about getting into therapy vs getting back into therapy, but thank you. I have been in and out of it off and on since my parents threw me in boy's group and state foster homes since I was 13 and doctors threw medicine at me trying to "save me". I wonder why I have a love/hate relationship with the world of psychology/psychiatry.

 

I didn't go to therapy really again much until the Army, when things were bad...the relationship I had then falling apart, our apartment burning down and me being trapped inside, my company and Iraq, etc. Then I waited 4 years and when that 4 year relationship ended, I sought help. I maintained that until the therapist I was seeing had completed his round of training etc and moved on, so I didn't have anyone new there at that particular place. A few months later I met the most recent 2yr ex but didn't get started in therapy again until she threatened to leave me, forcing me into the place I am now, but have since been passed around by 3 different individual therapists and 4 different group facilitators. I never had a gap of therapy until recently, when I fell behind financially with this particular establishment. And that gap has only been about 5-6 weeks I'd say?

 

You're right, I haven't really been "truly single" for a year now. That's just more or less how it has felt or how it feels to me right now, that's all. It hasn't been by design is what I'm saying. And good or bad, wrong or right, it hasn't been because I'm just "taking a break".

 

This is going to sound crazy maybe, but I just turned 31 a few months back... if I was in this exact same situation 3-4 years ago (and I expect I was, being single being my last long term girlfriend), you wouldn't have caught me thinking or talking this way... and by this way I mean, I don't want to be 35-36 by the time I have kids or a family. And I sure as hell don't want to be single or let's just say NOT have a family of my own someday in my life. My sister is 2-3yrs younger than me and had the picture perfect wedding 3 years ago and just 6 months ago gave birth to their first son, my new nephew. Never thought I'd see the day when my younger sister beat me to the punch of having kids.

 

I'm not saying that's my only motivating factor because it's not, but it's just these aren't or weren't the things I was thinking of 3-4 years ago, that's for sure.

[Ms Darcy]

My sister is 2-3yrs younger than me and had the picture perfect wedding 3 years ago and just 6 months ago gave birth to their first son, my new nephew. Never thought I'd see the day when my younger sister beat me to the punch of having kids.

 

If you and an ex had married, you'd be divorced by now. Marriage doesn't really help a troubled relationship. In fact, it can make it worse because it highlights the problems.

[IAmFCA]

I hope the VA steps up.

 

I also think it's easier to identify what is deep inside myself when I'm not distracted by a rl. Heck, I'm distracted even by having a therapist, though I've gotten past that sometimes. Being without a gf is a good idea when you looking to make a change within yourself.

[Almira23]

bigspoon,

How's life been the past few weeks?

[FlashEng1]

The thread should be operation telling everyone how much of a loser you are

 

..or evidence of how many people clearly care enough about his life to want to chime in with whatever advice they can to help him out. On top of checking in on him and making sure he's doing well... quite the opposite of a loser I'd believe.

[Ms Darcy]

He's not a loser. People definitely care enough to follow his story for months and even years. Stop being salty.

[TheSpoon2Big]

bigspoon,

How's life been the past few weeks?

 

Hey! Life's been OK. I haven't been going to individual therapy for financial reasons (for right now), but I've gone to a few group therapy (DBT) sessions (once a week). I got hosed on an appointment with my VA psych (meds), pushing me out until the end of this month; they're trying to get me into a private outside provider that the VA will cover. The soonest they could see me is also near the end of this month. I may have already mentioned that some time ago here though...

 

I digress slightly. So not as much therapy as I'm sure I probably need to be in, but I'm also not dating. I mean, I have had one or two girls that have been interested in me, but I wasn't feeling it. So for what it's worth, I haven't been really actively "dating".

 

..or evidence of how many people clearly care enough about his life to want to chime in with whatever advice they can to help him out. On top of checking in on him and making sure he's doing well... quite the opposite of a loser I'd believe.

 

He's not a loser. People definitely care enough to follow his story for months and even years. Stop being salty.

 

Thank you both. I didn't even see the troll post, save for that it was deleted.

[TheSpoon2Big]

_{Hey all-}

 

_{Hope everyone is well . Figured I'd put myself out there, do a little journaling, updates, and look for some feedback. Nothing really new or different I suppose. Still single , still in and out of therapy (haven't been to individual for 2 months now , and haven't attended group therapy for two weeks or more. I did just get back from being out of town for the last 3-4 days, so I wasn't able to attend my Sat group therapy meeting anyway.}

 

_{I just got back home from the airport. I went to visit one of my best friends. We hadn't seen each other in over 4yrs. He moved away from where I live in 2011 I think, but came back to visit in 2012. It was long overdue! He just graduated from his MBA program and is doing really well for himself. Has a giant house with a ton of rooms, a3 car garage, 3 cars, etc. He's always been "well off", but now ever more so. He lives in this house all by himself, I don't know he does it. It is /was hard not to compare myself . We're roughly the same age. And here I am,1yr removed from having a house with my ex and what I thought was some semblance of normalcy i.e. long-term relationship, 2 dogs, nice house in a nice area . Not a nice relationship , though.}

 

_{My friend is about 1month into his newest relationship. What he's going through right now is very reminiscent of me when I met my ex, for example. Completely enamored, head over heels , talking crazy-talk i.e. how much he likes her, how much he wants to marry her etc. It's funny, guys work differently than girls. Guys can see a girl they don't even know on the street and say "I would marry her"but girls need a little bit more than just looks to develop any notion of marriage ! It's interesting watching him go through this, because I've never seen him like this with a girl, and I know what it feels like and now I 'm looking at this from the outside. He puts this girl on a pedestal already,overanalyzes every detail such as why she waits all day to text or call him,how aloof she acts and he isn't sure if she likes him. I keep telling him to calm down, take it slow (they've already slept together and regularly spend the night at each other's place), and not to hyper-analyze things. He usually isn't like that, which is weird to see. He's usually way cooler and collected thanI ever am. But sometimes we meet people and fall over ourselves after them and act foolishly.}

 

_{My friend's new relationship coupled with the time of the year that it is is bringing back some unwanted memories to me. I don't know the exact day, but we're within a few days (give or take) of the 1 year anniversary of me being single from my 2yrex. It was right about this time last year that we had our last big fight where she started throwing all my stuff outside into the garage while I was at my friend's house because she didn't believe me when I told her where I was. My friend and I went from his house to my ex's house with the police, I showed them the texts she was sending me and the picture of my stuff outside she took and sent to me, and they had her sit on the couch while I moved all my things out of the house. First, I slept on my friend's couch that night, but after that , I had nowhere to go. I slept in a changing room in the shower/gym at work with my sleeping bag and air mattress for camping. I stayed a few days in hotels , trying to find a new place to live. For the first week or two, my was emailing me left and right from all different addresses as I kept trying to block her. She was emailing me from accounts I didn't even know she had to places such as even my work address. She said she just wanted to talk. I refused . Then she started threatening me, saying that for example since I took my snowboard that she had bought me for X-Mas the year before that she was going to take me to court because I wouldn't give it back, etc. That was such a crazy time of my life.}

 

_{Here I am, a year later . It took over half a year to finally get my own apartment again. I had to spend 10 days in jail and am currently on probation, which I have incredible shame for. I have had to start all over. I had no furniture, no bedframe , no couch,nada. I've pieced things together. I have a dog now that I love. I missed her while I was out of town. I guess sometimes you think you're going to be with someone forever, and life happens and you can lose everything in an instant sort of.}

 

_{It's just ironic that I recall having a phone conversation with my mom this time last year,during all that chaos, where I told her I just wanted to be single for a year and sort things out before I got back with anyone. And when I told her that, I100% meant it. I had no designs on being in a relationship again so soon. The chaos and stress I had just gone through turned me off entirely. However, a month later and I was already looking to date again, to fill that emotional void in my heart of sorts. I started this thread almost a year ago now. Wow. I shouldn't have wanted to get back into dating. Alas, I made many mistakes over and over again with girls that were beautiful, had potential, I just did my normal screw-up behavior of the intensity being way too much way too soon.}

 

_{Who knows, maybe I wouldn't be single right now had I better skills to manage my emotions in my many encounters with women over the past year. Maybe the self-proclaimed 1yr of being single carried itself out unwillingly to me lol. Anyway, here we are, 1yrremoved from that breakup chaos, and I'm still single. Not by design or choice,but probably most likely for the better. I know my ex isn't single - at least she made a point to write on her restraining order paperwork that when she allegedly heard her doorbell ring, she made sure to call her boyfriend. Oh well , best not to think of her. Hard not to though sometimes. Writing this all down is helpful.}

 

_{I wish I didn't make so many mistakes and screw up my 2yr relationship. I somehow feel entirely responsible and therefore it adds to the depression. I want a chance to make it right , with the next person. I want to never make those mistakes. I've spent a lot of time reading and trying to learn and understand women, dating and relationships , and self-reflection . I could do with a lot more therapy , though,I'm certain. That'll be the next step… I've gotta put more time and energy into therapy .}

[TheSpoon2Big]

Hey all, for anyone reading/subscribed and or just for my own record.

 

Figured I'd post the irony of a situation. Being that most of the advice here is geared towards NOT dating and to focus entirely on therapy.

 

For the first time 4+ months, I've had "intimate relations" with a girl. It's been quite difficult to really have much if any success at all in the dating world. HOWEVER, this new girl, does guess what for a living?

 

She's a therapist/mental health counselor. Oh the irony.