Operation Finding Girlfriend

[TheSpoon2Big]

Just quickly, I can't reply much right now, limited on time. Having another rough day though. I have and always read every single word of everyone's posts, and believe me it helps. I thank you guys so much during this hard time.

 

But I also wanted to add that I was curious to see, so I reactivated my online dating profile and went to see if this most recent girl we're discussing went back there. She did not. Who'd I see 2nd down on the list on my first search though? My other ex, the one I was with for 2yrs. The one with whom I had the house, the dogs, the "family life". The one maybe I'm not even over myself yet either, I don't know.

 

Just funny, here we both are, 7 months later, neither of us can find someone...

[Ms Darcy]

I'm guessing taking a 6 month hiatus from dating is out of the question ... ?

[TheSpoon2Big]

Guys, I’m going to lose it. I’m shaking right now. I got back on the dating website where we met. Her profile is back up. I know for a fact she took it down when we were dating because I couldn’t find it and I also took mine down too.

But her profile is up, it’s there. One screen says “Online Now!” the other says “Active Within 24 Hours”.

I’m fuming, I’m shaking, I want to cry. Why couldn’t she have the decency to call me? She said she would reach back out to me!

Also, I even told her when we were talking last week, “so are you just going to go back online again?” and she said, “oh no certainly not definitely no I need time to myself” blah blah blah!!!!!!!!!!!

[browneyedgirl36]

Guys, I’m going to lose it. I’m shaking right now. I got back on the dating website where we met. Her profile is back up. I know for a fact she took it down when we were dating because I couldn’t find it and I also took mine down too.

But her profile is up, it’s there. One screen says “Online Now!” the other says “Active Within 24 Hours”.

I’m fuming, I’m shaking, I want to cry. Why couldn’t she have the decency to call me? She said she would reach back out to me!

Also, I even told her when we were talking last week, “so are you just going to go back online again?” and she said, “oh no certainly not definitely no I need time to myself” blah blah blah!!!!!!!!!!!

 

Oh dear. I kind of had a feeling something like this would happen -- just not quite this soon.

 

I'm sorry, but...this is pretty typical, the whole, "I can't be in a relationship right now" thing, which really means "I can't be in a relationship with you."

 

I know it's difficult, but try NOT to take it personally. She decided, for whatever reasons, that you two weren't going to work out. It's hard to accept, and it may take awhile, but you've got to get to a point where you do.

 

I suspect you may be thinking of contacting her, if only just to tell her how angry and disappointed you are. Please don't. I promise you, it will only make the situation worse for you.

[Ms Darcy]

Oh dear. I kind of had a feeling something like this would happen -- just not quite this soon.

 

I'm sorry, but...this is pretty typical, the whole, "I can't be in a relationship right now" thing, which really means "I can't be in a relationship with you."

 

I know it's difficult, but try NOT to take it personally. She decided, for whatever reasons, that you two weren't going to work out. It's hard to accept, and it may take awhile, but you've got to get to a point where you do.

 

I suspect you may be thinking of contacting her, if only just to tell her how angry and disappointed you are. Please don't. I promise you, it will only make the situation worse for you.

 

I agree with all of this. All those lines had more to do with her trying to find an easy way out of the relationship with you than anything else. I'm very sorry.

 

Again, can you please consider taking a break from dating? If you had, you wouldn't be seeing exes all over the place (you should consider her an ex). It will also help you resist the temptation to contact her and blow up.

[Coldarmy13]

Im sorry bud, if anything this should be your closure. She dumped you and wasn't completely honest with you and has been doing the slow fade, disappearing act. That should be enough to let you start to really let it go this time. I know it's super painful and it's going to be for awhile. I'd advise you to take plenty of time to yourself and not jump right back into the dating pool. Most of the time it isn't going to work out and you should be working on healing and finding yourself and the person you were/are before this whole thing. If I could send you strength I would but you're going to have to find it within yourself and you'll recover from this in time.

 

Post and vent here if it helps, but do not contact her wanting explanations, you know very well what happened here.

[TheSpoon2Big]

Guys, I can't even focus at work right now. I'm shaking, sweating, numb, shocked, angry, hurt, sad. Like I might have said, I went and made a match.com account again, she popped up immediately when I first logged in or whatever. I freaked out. I lost it. I contacted her. I asked if she was ever going to reach out to me. Guess what happened though? She said her girlfriend, who is also on match.com, SAW my profile last week and took a screenshot and sent it to my girl. That's when she herself lost it and I quote, "well f*** that, I see how it is" type of thing, and never bothered to contact me to ask what that was all about. She was done with it and wasn't gonna call me back ever. It was a complete and total technical mess up. I NEVER talked to any girls since her, my original account that got all jacked up was taken down, I made a new one right when we were still talking in case I needed to contact her or whatever. I tried to explain this to her, she wasn't having it. She said "how do you think it made me feel when my FRIEND sent me that? I looked stupid". I said sorry so much and explained myself to death. She said it doesn't even matter. She doesn't care.

 

First it's "I need time to think, not over my ex". She even told me last week "No way I'm not going back on match.com, I need time to figure myself out". Then she disappears. I go on match.com to see if she was telling me the truth. I saw her, I freaked. When trying to get her to answer that to me, she said "I don't want a relationship, I just want to date". I said "OK so you want to date, like meet people, have sex, have guys maybe get attached to you and you go through this whole mess again?" and she said "No I don't want to just have sex, I just want to date". Then I said "Were you and I dating?" She said "Yes". I said "Did we have sex?" She said "Yes of course", so dating = sex. But she said she just wants to date, but oh no, of course, no sex.

 

She actually told me we moved too fast. She actually said because we were affectionate on DATE #2 that she thought "oh no this is headed somewhere" and felt uncomfortable or some crap? I am SOOOO frustrated and confused. When she was going through all her studying/not being able to hang out time, I was so sweet to her I went and bought her some food, got flowers with a card "you can get through your class, you can do it!" and brought it all over to her house, she loved it! We spent 2 hours then sitting on her couch together, cuddling, touching each other, holding hands, kissing every 5 minutes, you name it. She even said "Ugh I don't want to study I just want to hang out with you". Even when I left her house, she said the same thing later on text, "I really wish you were still here", stuff like that.

 

I AM SO FRUSTRATED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

 

 

 

 

 

Were you still planning on reaching out to me? I guess I can take a hint... I thought you needed to get over your ex. You told me you weren't going to go on again yet I see you have. I'm really disappointed in you. I've been waiting on you this whole time.

May 26 6:21pm

 

May 26 6:21pm

 

May 26 6:30pm

 

May 26 6:30pm

Call Ended

May 26 6:45pm

 

May 26 6:45pm

 

May 26 6:45pm

 

May 26 6:45pm

Call Ended

May 26 6:51pm

I deleted everything I could access and get my hands on profle stupid . I can only imagine how you felt when your friend sent you a screenshot of me. But hear me when I tell you you have constantly been on my mind 24/7 since last week that's why I wanted to talk to you so bad I miss you a lot and I can't stand the thought of you with someone else. I really just want to be so sweet and kind and loving to you and I want to be your best friend

May 26 8:16pm

 

May 26 9:45pm

 

May 26 9:45pm

 

May 26 9:50pm

 

May 26 10:03pm

 

May 26 10:12pm

 

May 26 10:13pm

 

May 26 10:18pm

 

May 26 11:36pm

Hey can we talk tonight?

4 hrs

So is it more of a rejection thing? Like you felt all those butterflies when you met your ex and you didn't feel him with me so you think there's nothing there between us and you're looking for that was somebody else?

1 hr

Oops them* not him*

1 hr

With someone else* I meant to. Stupid voice to text thing lol

1 hr

(1/3) Listen and please understand. I'm not over my last relationship and the more that I talk about it, the longer it's taking. I did not allow the time I need

54 min

(2/3) ed to process and I apologize to you for that. I am not really up to talking tonight. These new 20 year olds moved in below me and were arguing/sc

54 min

(3/3) reaming on their porch the entire night, so I've had no sleep. I'm exhausted.

54 min

Jeez that's not cool. What are your plans tonight? I thought the same thing, that I had this suspicion from the beginning about your ex. I felt like I brought it out of you more. If you're on match, you're still looking to date though? That just confuses me. Like if you're on there, but not over your ex, what are you looking for? Just someone to hang out with? I want to date you. We'll take it slow. I know you said patience is key. I want to intellectually stimulate you like you said

46 min

See that's the only thing, like if you're on match.com, you want to date, I want to date too. It makes me feel like it's really just a rejection thing or like you don't like me as a person. Idk, it hurts. I was really nice and sweet to you. Do you not like me?

42 min

 

29 min

 

29 min

It's not about me liking you, I don't feel like we are a right fit. I think youre a great person, but I don't feel that connection.

26 min

(she called me here)

23 min

hey sorry was on the phone call me back plz

22 min

 

18 min

You got my hopes up I guess. I hadn't had a single girl I wanted to call my girlfriend for like 7 months straight

18 min

 

18 min

Wanna know something funny? When I saw you on match again yesterday, when I got all prompted/sad/hurt and called you, I also saw my very own ex also. How ironic

15 min

Double whammy

Please don't blow up my phone, I really don't like that. I'm just being honest with how I feel. I'm not trying to hurt you.

May 27th 2016, 3:57:53 pm

Sorry. You called me, I tried to call you back? I understand you're being honest. Why are you on match if you aren't over your ex? I just don't understand. I was really nice and sweet and everything with you. I tried to show you affection and get close with you. If you just want to date, let's do it together i will respect your patience even more, no sex no affection if that's what you want. I didn't know affection was a bad thing, I've never had a girl say that wasn't OK

May 27th 2016, 4:04:02 pm

Texts suck for this. Honestly, I'd just like to talk on the phone. If you don't want me in your life, can you just do me one last thing and talk to me on the phone? That's all I ask, please I don't have anything else to say and nothing is going to change. Please understand.

May 27th 2016, 4:17:23 pm

And you can't give me the courtesy of a phone call? You lied saying you weren't going back to match. I will just chalk this up to rejection, I wasn't good enough for you. Im sorry. I tried, I liked you. I feel really bad.

[TheSpoon2Big]

I had to take a minute to go somewhere private at work and I cried a little. I'm so hurt. She said I was a great guy, sweet, a gentleman, very attractive, and then rejected me

[LoveSoDeep]

Ouch BigSpoon, sorry you had to go through all that but to me this says she is 100% totally done and she doesn't want you to contact her anymore.

 

I think she was trying to let you down easy and that why you feel she was inconsistent in her reasoning for needing space or the break up.

 

Bottom line she doesn't think you were a match. Doesn't matter when or why she came to that conclusion. It's possible she's decided that what she needs is to date casually and you 2 were bf/gf so you were past that phase and she didn't think going back to casual was an option so now she has to start over dating someone new and not get to that point with whoever the next guy is. Trust me I've been there....you think you're ready and you dive in and then you're like "Holey crap I was so not ready!" but you can't backpedal like that on someone else emotions so you have to cut ties and know next time you're not ready and not go there again so soon. sometimes the only way to know you're not ready is to go there and test the waters.

 

Again I'm sorry I know this sucks for you. Time to move on. I'd delete her everywhere and block her number.

[TheSpoon2Big]

Oh dear. I kind of had a feeling something like this would happen -- just not quite this soon.

 

I'm sorry, but...this is pretty typical, the whole, "I can't be in a relationship right now" thing, which really means "I can't be in a relationship with you."

 

I know it's difficult, but try NOT to take it personally. She decided, for whatever reasons, that you two weren't going to work out. It's hard to accept, and it may take awhile, but you've got to get to a point where you do.

 

Exactly, can't be in a relationship WITH ME. Told me she wouldn't get back online dating. Said she needed time to process her ex. Lies. This is so freaking hard not to take personally. I have never had this happen before, that a girl goes this far into a "relationship" with me, then jumps ship and will be in bed with another guy in a week or two. In fact, on our first date walking at a park, she told me she'd been single for two weeks since she broke up with the dude she dated for 2+ months before me...

 

I suspect you may be thinking of contacting her, if only just to tell her how angry and disappointed you are. Please don't. I promise you, it will only make the situation worse for you.

 

Oh and I did. I couldn't hold it in. Angry, sad, hurt. I'm a mess right now. She told me so many sweet things during our time, how sweet I was and nice and gentle and loving, affectionate, kind.

[TheSpoon2Big]

When we were talking on the phone briefly yesterday, one thing she told me with quite the angry voice, was "why would you lie about how much money you make on your dating profile? That just seems shady". Which is weird because I remember us laughing about it together one time driving in my car, like why would a dating site put that on there, it shouldn't be something you search for in a mate unless you're solely focused on money? As a social experiment joke, I selected the highest $150,000 income level just as a joke! To see if that would attract more girls to my profile. I was just messing around. She said "why would you do that?!!"

[Coldarmy13]

Reading that was pretty brutal.

 

I wouldnt put much weight into the online dating profile thing, it was just another excuse. She tried to sugarcoat the heck out of it, in the end she was just breaking up with you. Usually the reason they give you isnt the real reason, especially if it allows any hope. Thats why advice is usually to move on regardless.

 

Im sorry, but hopefully this allows you to begin to move on.

[Coldarmy13]

When we were talking on the phone briefly yesterday, one thing she told me with quite the angry voice, was "why would you lie about how much money you make on your dating profile? That just seems shady". Which is weird because I remember us laughing about it together one time driving in my car, like why would a dating site put that on there, it shouldn't be something you search for in a mate unless you're solely focused on money? As a social experiment joke, I selected the highest $150,000 income level just as a joke! To see if that would attract more girls to my profile. I was just messing around. She said "why would you do that?!!"

 

It doesnt matter bud, she lead you on despite not being ready for an actual relationship. Im sure her mind is/was all over the place. Her bad, take plenty of time to get yourself together. That way, you wont that to someone else.

[mustlovedogs]

Reading all these posts makes me cringe.

 

Why on earth should she be NOT allowed to be on a dating site, and you be allowed? You only signed up again to try and stalk her (creepy/desperate move, IMO). And your reactions seem... perhaps a bit over the top? I can't describe it. You are expecting her to act a certain way towards you. You're blasting all your conversations and all I see is time stamps (i.e., you're sitting by your phone waiting for a reaction, counting down the seconds) and you frequently double text. Regardless of if you were or were not finished before, everything I've read screams of desperation. She flat out said she doesn't feel a connection. She does not owe you a single goddamn thing.

 

I'm being blunt but I'm only trying to help. As a female, if I was with a guy like you, I would feel so smothered. Even when she asked for space, you didn't give it. Chill out on the texting and the communication and the neediness. Back off a bit.

 

Edit: also, it bothers me that you lied about your income and expect it to be ok. I don't think it is at all. When I was employed, I was making 6 figures. I'm in a very high paying industry, and I know I'll make somewhere around that after I graduate from grad school. As such, I restrict my Match searches to 50k+ but I would really prefer somewhere over 75k+. It is not at all because of me being a golddigger. I have no interest in being a sugar mama. I am most interested in a guy with at least comparable income potential, because if I was always paying for a guy, I would get irritated.

[FlashEng1]

You have your answer(s) now BigSpoon. No matter how brutal..

 

I won't bore you with stories of me having been in your shoes before either, but PLEASE UNDERSTAND, MANY OF US HAVE BEEN THERE BEFORE bro.. It's horrible, it feels lonely, everything aches. You cry for days, at the most random times, you spend countless hours in bed not doing anything... Yeah...

 

Walk away with two things here:

 

1. ACTIONS speak louder than words. Work on not letting someone's words fill your head up the way it has.

2. TAKE. THINGS. SLOW. It takes time to get to know someone. In the beginning you learn certain qualities and features of a person, but you don't know ANYTHING about their true character, their habits, and if they truly are a match with you or not.

 

In the end, her answer is She's not over her ex, but she's not that into you either as well.

 

Right now you're wasting time and money though, Match.com has what, over a million+++ people right? Okay then: 999,999 more people to go!!! *grabs trumpet* LET'S MOVE ON!!

 

 

 

Edit** well damn, she reported you!?!? AND your account got terminated?!? Not cool at all man. I know things can get you emotional at times, and you really cared about this girl. But understand you're continuing to make things worse for yourself if you can't come to grips with your emotions. And they only get worse.

 

As well, please delete those images from your previous post. They still contain private information that can be indexed and searched, and ultimately stolen by the wrong bot/user. There's also a phone number that wasn't blocked due to how you tagged the images. Deletion is best.

[browneyedgirl36]

I agree with Flash (who, as always, hits the nail right on the head!)

 

You've got to walk away from this...NOW. I knew when I advised you not to contact her that you would anyway, or that you already had. It looks like she reported you to Match, and your account got terminated. Is that right? If so....do you see what's happening here? You've got to try to get a hold of your emotions, or you're going to run into trouble. She has told you to stop contacting her -- she's asked nicely -- and now, as I see it, you don't have any other choice. If you persist, she could do something drastic, like try to get a restraining order, or report you for harassment, something.

 

As Flash said, we've ALL been through this -- or most of us have, anyway -- and we know what it feels like. I admit, I had meltdowns over my ex, mostly (thank God!) he didn't know about them, but back in those days, I DID send a few texts and e-mails, trying to explain my feelings to him, trying to get him to explain himself to me, etc. It never came to any good. I just ended up feeling stupid and crazy (even though I never acted "crazy" per se). Continuing contact, trying to get answers, etc. is fruitless. At best, it strips you of your dignity, at worst, you could find yourself in hot water if she feels like you're harassing her.

 

I know this all feels very unfair, very wrong. You want to analyze and re-analyze EVERYTHING she said. You want to hold her to certain things she said that made you think she was as invested as you were. You want answers as to WHY she decided she didn't want to be with you. You feel she owes you something.

The thing is, all the analysis is going to make you crazy. None of the answers she has provided thus far have been satisfying to you, so it's unlikely there's anything she can say that WOULD be. And, truthfully, she doesn't owe you anything. Yes, a bit of common courtesy in telling you she was not interested in continuing with you would have been nice, but....she has a right to not want to be with you. I'm not defending how she handled all this; I don't think she should have been dating in the first place if she wasn't over her ex (and I don't think you should have been either, but more on that later). She was doing the classic rebound thing -- meet people when you'e not ready to date (even if you think you are), get involved quickly, and end things vaguely, with the "it's not you, it's me"/"I need to sort myself out"/"Life is stressful right now" etc. bit. Not admirable, but...in fairness to her, pretty normal and common.

 

Where do you go from here? The only way is up, my friend. This is how it's done:

 

1) NO MORE CONTACT;

2) Time;

3) Continue therapy;

3) Meds (as needed, particularly if you have bad anxiety);

4) Finding things to do -- work, friends, hobbies, volunteering, sports/working out, clubs/organizations;

5) Writing it all down -- here, in a journal, etc. (but NO letters to her under ANY circumstances, unless you plan to write them and burn them afterward);

7) NO CONTACT

8) NO CONTACT

9) Time

10) NO CONTACT

 

You get the idea. The only way this gets better is if you work to make it better. Obsessing over her, contacting her, checking up on her on dating sites, etc. -- all that does is keep her at the forefront of your mind 24/7.

 

I recommend a couple of books for you that might be helpful. (Note: I am not religious at all, but a couple of these have a semi-religious slant to them that really didn't bother me even though I don't practice any particular religion)

 

The Secret of Letting Go by Guy Finley (exactly as its title implies; lots of good stuff about letting go)

When Things Fall Apart by Pema Chodron (Written by a female Buddhist monk -- really helps with recognizing how our thoughts can be harmful to us, talks about how to cope and overcome negative thinking when things fall apart);

The Five Things We Cannot Change by David Richo (Again, pretty self-explanatory, but with good explanation/discussion: 1) everything changes and ends, (2) things do not always go according to plan, (3) life is not always fair, (4) pain is a part of life, and (5) people are not loving and loyal all the time. )

 

Just a few things that might be helpful. Please stay off dating sites and avoid dating advice and stuff like Corey Wayne (not picking on him, but now is not a good time for that stuff for you). I truly believe that, if you can find a way to be content with your life without a woman in it, you will eventually find someone. It happened for me, and it's happened to many, many people I know (including some people right here on ENA).

[Ms Darcy]

Be careful what you wish for. You wanted answers but it sounds like you didn't really want to hear those answers.

 

For what it's worth, her actions don't match her words. Her words are nice, vague, evasive. Her actions say she's looking for someone else.

 

I do find it hard because while you found her on a dating site, YOU were on the dating site too! So ... there's a bit of irony there.

[gp11a]

As well, please delete those images from your previous post. They still contain private information that can be indexed and searched, and ultimately stolen by the wrong bot/user. There's also a phone number that wasn't blocked due to how you tagged the images. Deletion is best.

 

Everyone has addressed everything, but please delete those screenshots you attached. Anyone who does a good Google search will pick those up. Also, the pictures have identifiable information.

 

And you can't give me the courtesy of a phone call? You lied saying you weren't going back to match. I will just chalk this up to rejection, I wasn't good enough for you. Im sorry. I tried, I liked you. I feel really bad.

Next time, try not to be self-deprecating. "I wasn't good enough for you" -- That's self pity or a passive aggressive comment. A stronger statement would have been if you simply had said "I liked you and wished you would have just been upfront".

 

Try to watch and avoid such self-deprecating statements about yourself. It's not that you weren't good enough for her, but she just wasn't feeling it. She saw you for some time, so obviously there was some caring there, but sometimes it just does not work out. Imagine, that would suck if she did keep you around and she had no feelings towards you in return... and you found out somehow years later.You need to work on self-esteem, because it will show and be noticeable by others. You are attacking her, it isn't going to get a response. A more effective way would be just to tell how you feel and leave it. Otherwise, she is in defensive mode and effective communication is gone. You also said "I'm sorry"? I hope things go well in therapy and you can work on confidence and self-esteem.

[Ms Darcy]

Reading all these posts makes me cringe.

 

Why on earth should she be NOT allowed to be on a dating site, and you be allowed? You only signed up again to try and stalk her (creepy/desperate move, IMO). And your reactions seem... perhaps a bit over the top? I can't describe it. You are expecting her to act a certain way towards you. You're blasting all your conversations and all I see is time stamps (i.e., you're sitting by your phone waiting for a reaction, counting down the seconds) and you frequently double text. Regardless of if you were or were not finished before, everything I've read screams of desperation. She flat out said she doesn't feel a connection. She does not owe you a single goddamn thing.

 

I'm being blunt but I'm only trying to help. As a female, if I was with a guy like you, I would feel so smothered. Even when she asked for space, you didn't give it. Chill out on the texting and the communication and the neediness. Back off a bit.

 

Edit: also, it bothers me that you lied about your income and expect it to be ok. I don't think it is at all. When I was employed, I was making 6 figures. I'm in a very high paying industry, and I know I'll make somewhere around that after I graduate from grad school. As such, I restrict my Match searches to 50k+ but I would really prefer somewhere over 75k+. It is not at all because of me being a golddigger. I have no interest in being a sugar mama. I am most interested in a guy with at least comparable income potential, because if I was always paying for a guy, I would get irritated.

 

I agree with everything said in this post. It was getting to the point where it was appropriate for her to report you. Your boundaries are very poor and no matter what issues you have, you can't excuse your creepy, desperate, smothering, insecure behavior with this girl based on stuff she's done. You control you. And you haven't been controlling yourself.

 

I also agree about the income thing. I didn't have an income restriction, but I know some people do for the reasons gp stated above. For me personally, I know the friends who would ask that have six figure salaries who are looking for someone with similar money so they are not golddiggers.

[TheSpoon2Big]

Reading that was pretty brutal.

 

I wouldnt put much weight into the online dating profile thing, it was just another excuse. She tried to sugarcoat the heck out of it, in the end she was just breaking up with you. Usually the reason they give you isnt the real reason, especially if it allows any hope. Thats why advice is usually to move on regardless.

 

Im sorry, but hopefully this allows you to begin to move on.

 

Yea in a weird way, after I was crying, I guess it cements the end. There doesn't seem to be any going back. She said she'd call me tomorrow to talk since I asked her to. Just one last time. She probably won't though.

 

It doesnt matter bud, she lead you on despite not being ready for an actual relationship. Im sure her mind is/was all over the place. Her bad, take plenty of time to get yourself together. That way, you wont that to someone else.

 

You're right, she tried to let me down slowly and I couldn't see it maybe. Why the h*ll do you do that to someone though? I would never do that to someone. I don't like hurting people. Why did she do this, lead me on, take down her dating profile, want to be official with me, be official with me, be affectionate, sleep with me multiple times, introduce me to her family, then basically shut down.

 

One time, I left a sweet little note on a piece of paper and left it somewhere on her counter to find. It said something like "Hey can't wait to see you again and she found it and texted me "You are wonderful and now it's nothing, all gone.

[TheSpoon2Big]

Reading all these posts makes me cringe.

 

Why on earth should she be NOT allowed to be on a dating site, and you be allowed? You only signed up again to try and stalk her (creepy/desperate move, IMO). And your reactions seem... perhaps a bit over the top? I can't describe it. You are expecting her to act a certain way towards you. You're blasting all your conversations and all I see is time stamps (i.e., you're sitting by your phone waiting for a reaction, counting down the seconds) and you frequently double text. Regardless of if you were or were not finished before, everything I've read screams of desperation. She flat out said she doesn't feel a connection. She does not owe you a single goddamn thing.

 

I'm being blunt but I'm only trying to help. As a female, if I was with a guy like you, I would feel so smothered. Even when she asked for space, you didn't give it. Chill out on the texting and the communication and the neediness. Back off a bit.

 

Edit: also, it bothers me that you lied about your income and expect it to be ok. I don't think it is at all. When I was employed, I was making 6 figures. I'm in a very high paying industry, and I know I'll make somewhere around that after I graduate from grad school. As such, I restrict my Match searches to 50k+ but I would really prefer somewhere over 75k+. It is not at all because of me being a golddigger. I have no interest in being a sugar mama. I am most interested in a guy with at least comparable income potential, because if I was always paying for a guy, I would get irritated.

 

I'm sorry, I should have put my real income on the dating website. We all want gender equality right, and equal pay for women? I am all for that absolutely. But if you're making 6 figures and I'm making 50-60k, you're not even going to consider dating me? That's sad. I can hold my own. I pay my bills. And I'm career and goal oriented, I have drive to go higher and higher in my career and income. That's what I'm talking about. Yes I was dishonest, but I'm sad to think our culture has come to a point where we have to list our income level on a dating website. Like, WHY?! Who made that one of the important categories? Guys want girls with slender bodies, girls want guys who are taller usually, guys want girls who do X and girls want guys who do Y, and I guarantee you guys aren't the ones making sure to select a $75+k income level. Those are the women. I'm not knocking it. You want security and a man who can provide. Biological nature, nothing wrong. It just sucks sometimes, and I hate that's something people need to fill out. Like, say someone makes 20-30k. They could be your soul mate, best lover, best thing ever to happen to you but you're going to never even give them a chance because it would irritate you at some point?

 

 

Aside from all that, I'm sorry my posts made you cringe. I figured most of the women here would. I feel like an absolute idiot. Do you guys think I want to be thought of like this? Do you think I enjoy being thought of or considered desperate? It's the complete opposite of that. I just want a happy healthy relationship, I'm not a bad guy! I just want to love someone and feel loved back. Rejection hurts me really bad, and I want to change that.

 

I did not say she should NOT be allowed to be on a dating website and I am. Yes, what I did was creepy? I have trust issues. WHen she said she WAS NOT GOING TO GO BACK ON MATCH.COM, I waited a little while, but then got curious. I checked and she wasn't there at all, so I was like oh ok, she's honest. Then I didn't hear from her for over a week, so I check again. Guess what I find? Her on there again. That's when I lost it. My point was that I was NOT on the dating site to date people. I was with her the whole time, until last week's crap started.

 

So never send more than one text? The time stamps were only there because I copied/pasted from my phone log and they are on there and was too lazy to delete, sorry. At one point, she even called me but I was working and couldn't answer at the moment. I assumed she wanted to talk if she was calling me.

 

She asked for space, and I gave it to her. The reason she didn't get back with me whatsoever was a day or two after she said that to me, her friend who's also on match looked and somehow saw my other profile I made since the first one got terminated by match.com and showed it to her and and that sealed the deal for her. Had that not happened, would we be talking about this? Would she had eventually reached out to me? Maybe. I asked her that and she said "probably, but seeing your profile online again made me look stupid to my friend". Other than that, she asked for space on the 17th, I gave it to her. On the 19th, she initiated contact with me to confirm details of the massage that she bought for me for my birthday, that was it. At that time, she said she still needed more time to think and she would get back with me.

 

Yes desperation, I guess you're right. I feel ashamed for that now. I have so many bad feelings towards myself. You guys, all I want is love and acceptance and affection in this life, I'm serious. I just want to feel that someone cares about me and misses and loves me. Someone I can lay next to at night and know we'll always be there for each other. Why did she do this.... why did she tell me all these sweet things and lead me on and then just do this weird kinda of dumping thing?

 

I want to reply to everyone else right but now I've started to make myself cry a little. Go ahead and think less of me it's OK. I'm sorry guys, I just want a hug right now. Goodnight

[TheSpoon2Big]

I do find it hard because while you found her on a dating site, YOU were on the dating site too! So ... there's a bit of irony there.

 

I've tried and tried to explain it to you guys, my first account that I was using when her and I first met and started talking got somehow terminated deleted etc. They would not tell me why. This literally happened within a day or two or her first talking. I went ahead and quickly made a new one, I even put in my little bio "my other account got terminated and I'll fill this all in later". At that point, I did NOT know things would get as serious as they did with this girl.

 

If you guys Google how to delete your match.com profile, you will see TONS of people complaining and having issues with once they delete their account, it doesn't really actually delete it. Match.com keeps it stored somewhere in case you reactivate it. I am not trying to make excuses, I know what I did. I created a new one to go see if she was telling me the truth yesterday or the day before, and when I signed in and saw her profile pop up immediately first, I got numb/shock quick.

 

Look, I got on there to see if she was telling the truth to me. My issue of trust, right? SHE got on there to start meeting guys and dating again, you see? That's the difference. That's all I'm trying to explain to everyone. Hell, I can't even delete my account right now anyways, it's all messed up. I called match.com today, then they told me to call my bank, then my bank told me to call match.com again. I'm telling you guys, there are some technical issues going on.

 

 

Your boundaries are very poor and no matter what issues you have, you can't excuse your creepy, desperate, smothering, insecure behavior with this girl based on stuff she's done. You control you. And you haven't been controlling yourself.

 

Darcy, I like you. I always have. But those words hurt. Creepy, desperate, smothering, insecure? Maybe it's because you're a woman, but lots of guys (not excusing this!) do this stuff sometimes thinking that's just the a-typical "pursuing" the girl. Some guys think Hollywood romantics is throwing rocks at a girl's bedroom door window to wake her up so they can go run off somewhere and make out or something. No one would dream of that today, because that's CREEPY, right?

 

How was I smothering? Can you please just appreciate the fact that I was genuinely trying to be nice and I brought her some food when she was hungry but couldn't stop studying, I brought her flowers, one night we had a romantic whole "I bring food over and we cook together to some wine" etc? What did I do that was so creepy? I hail married that stuffed animal gift a WEEK after she hadn't talked to me. Yea I feel bad for doing it, but I didn't think that was the end of the world.

 

I am not perfect, I'm not trying to make excuses. I have issues, I know. I try to be the best person I can be. I'm not a bad guy, I try to be as sweet as possible.

 

Honestly, do you think I did everything wrong here? Was I the one to blame, I screwed this all up because of my creepy desperate needy behavior? Do you not think she threw me for a loop a little and genuinely confused me/hurt me? Or was it all just me?

 

 

I agree with everything said in this post. It was getting to the point where it was appropriate for her to report you.

 

Report me to whom? I couldn't even message her on match.com nor could she see me because my profile was "hidden" plus I couldn't "subscribe" to their paid bundle package crap to be able to message her if I wanted to on match.com. I tried signing up, but match.com customer service gave me this run around and it's not working.

 

 

 

Maybe that's a good thing for me, I don't know.

 

Hell, my old ex of 7 months past is still on there. In fact, she has a picture of her and I together with me cut out!!! ]that's me on the left (or right/whatever)! Thanks for putting a pic of us when we were in those first few love stages together on your own dating profile, lovely! Here's another one of a hike we did, again that's my arm around her at a lake we hiked to with our dog I mean hey, while I'm hurting, might as well bring on the pain!

[Capricorn3]

OP: Please don't post pictures of your ex's (or any other people), without their knowledge or consent. Thanks.

[TheSpoon2Big]

I'm being blunt but I'm only trying to help. As a female, if I was with a guy like you, I would feel so smothered. Even when she asked for space, you didn't give it. Chill out on the texting and the communication and the neediness. Back off a bit.

 

I get it. I did give her space though, like I said we said our piece on the 17th, she said she'd reach out to me. On the 19th, she reached out to me only for logistical purposes of the massage gift she bought me. She said she still needed more time then. I said "OK I understand, take what you need". I was respectful. A week+ later, no contact, I broke it by sending the gift, I know. But guess what, when I talked to her two days ago on the phone, I told her sorry for the gift. She said she had no idea what I was talking about and that she hasn't checked her mail yet lol.

 

I know you're trying to help. Yea, blunt hurts. But your: "As a female, if I was with a guy like you, I would feel so smothered" - was me dropping by giving her food and just trying to be sweet when she was studying all day for her classes smothering? Was me bringing over flowers when we had a make-dinner-together-date at her place? I don't understand what you mean by smothering? Was I supposed to be the "jerk" guy women tend to seem to fall for, who never gets them flowers, never tells them they're beautiful, never gives them massages, strokes their hair, is very sweet and affectionate? I don't know, I guess I need to be more like a Pick Up Artist and read "The Game" book or something. Being nice is just getting me walked all over.

[TheSpoon2Big]

OP: Please don't post pictures of your ex's (or any other people), without their knowledge or consent. Thanks.

 

I'm sorry, I didn't know and shouldn't have done that, I won't do that again, I'm sorry. I wasn't thinking clearly.