Operation Finding Girlfriend

[Coldarmy13]

I don't want it to seem like I'm beating you up, but those messages when she told you she was sick was killing me when I read them. The thing about this relationship is that it seems you both jumped into and it seems you go about things much differently. Normally you'd learn that during the months of his dating one another. I would've stuck to: oh I'm sorry to hear that. Hope you feel better soon!" Then that's it for the rest of the day. Unless she replied with something that requires a response. If I got all those messages about bringing me medicine and then we can do this and that.. If I'm sick I'd prefer to just get rest and not hit with a bunch of messages. I would fee pressured. My last ex did that a lot. Where if I turned her down she would mope or it would make me feel bad. I'd feel me being around her was affecting whether she would have a good day or not. It wasn't an attractive quality. I was okay or dealt with it fine for the first 4-5 months.. But eventually it got to be too overwhelming.

 

The reason I've been pointing out the positives that I'm seeing is that she sounds like she's showing enough interest in the early stages of dating. I know you agreed to the title but really you're in the dating stage.. And have a lot to learn about each other.

 

I wonder why when you two had alone time you made it more about how much time was left instead of enjoying the time with her and having a good time. It sounds like she was being affectionate and you spent the whole time in your own head. Not blaming you because I've done the same. The only way you can see if this is going to work for YOU is to get out of your own head for awhile and be yourself in the best way when you're around her.

 

Like RIY here told me. Plant the seed,nurture it and watch it grow. Don't keep digging it up and checking on it constantly.

[TheSpoon2Big]

• So she called back, only after I eventually texted her "Are you OK?" - major turn off, super no-no, I know. She just said, "oh hey sorry I missed your call". Voice sounded fine, non-sick sounding. She said she had her phone on silent and just didn't notice (my texts and calls). I'm sure...
  

 

 

 

• We talked for a little bit, and we had a good talk. I was sniffing for any odor of lying though, I could feel myself acting and saying things that I've seen myself do 100x before with exes or other girls when I first meet them. I even asked her to be honest, if she really just didn't see my texts or calls. I am skeptical because these days, we are all 24/7 100% of the time seemingly obsessed with our phones. Perhaps girls more so than guys maybe. Just didn't see it huh? Weren't even curious as to calling me when you knew I was off work to chat as we've done so many times in the past (i.e. there were a few times she asked when I was getting off work and if I'd call her when I was in my car on the way home).
  

 

 

 

• I banged my head against the cabinet in the kitchen lightly in frustration after we said goodbye/goodnight. What I mean by how I don't like how or who I am fitting into this dynamic is how she seems to dictate the flow of conversation and control the times that we talk and when we hang out. I ALWAYS prefer to be on the end of the phone that ends the conversation, and I prefer to be the person (the man) in a conversation or whatever who dictates the flow of things.
  

 

 

 

• When we first met online, I remember some of our initial conversations through the dating website was her talking about how she liked to be very feminine and that she liked my profile in that I stated I like to be the man and don't like dating women who are sort of "tomboy-ish".
  

 

 

 

• But here I am now, feeling like I'm getting trampled by her. Even with my last ex of 2yrs, in the beginning, I put her on a pedestal because she was the hottest and most beautiful girl I had ever dated to that point, but she would allow me to be in my masculine by being in her feminine. She would sort of just sit back and let me lead the way in the relationship, and it was very harmonious at first. I digress though.
  

 

 

 

• The reason I got so frustrated when we hung up was because she got off the phone first, and I KNEW I should have been the one to do it, but she did it so abruptly after I said something (we were talking about things I bought for my new place), just sort of quickly brushed aside what I said and was like, "ugh, I gotta get to bed".
  

 

 

 

• That was the end of that. I asked her if she was not feeling up to our date tomorrow night since she's sick. She said she's sure she'll feel better tomorrow after some sleep.
  

 

 

 

• I'm just really distraught right now. Literally, am banging my head on things.
  

 

 

 

• I want to know if there is still a way or a chance I can pull back into my masculine and gain some kind of feeling of control back. And I mean that in a healthy way, not in an abusive power struggle way.
  

 

 

 

• How can I stop acting so needy and crap with her, how can I just let myself be “the man” like I know I am very capable of doing and have done it in the past. It’s like she’s a dominant female partner and doesn’t like to share the reigns. Hey, that’s what her astrological symbol mixed with mine calls for, ironically.
  

[Coldarmy13]

The conversation went fine but you're distraught because she concluded the phone call and not you? This really isn't a healthy dynamic. You may want to rethink the relationship honestly. What I'm reading is that you're second guessing and pretty much not believing a word she's saying and sitting around waiting on her every text and call. im telling you I've been there so every one of your posts are bringing me back to it. Multiple texts on a row throughout the day and getting frustrated. Living in my own head all day. The "are you OK?" Text was a bit much. I'm sure you knew she was ok but thought that's what might garner a response. I didn't listen either when others told me how I was acting and I had to learn the hard way. I don't blame you if you have to.

 

I'm actually more curious as to why she hasn't gotten upset with you yet about the constant pressure. I feel like she's just in the mindset of how she'd act in the early stages of dating. Less contact, occasional cancellations. It's how she acts around in person that should count, imo. Plus think of what you said about your past relationships where they were all over you and you took it for granted since you knew you had them. That dynamic has simply flipped and that's why it's got such a hold on you and you're not yourself. I'd give that some though and work towards just being you. What helped me some was getting into the gym every time my anxiety got really bad, that helped blow off some steam.

[TheSpoon2Big]

I don't want it to seem like I'm beating you up, but those messages when she told you she was sick was killing me when I read them. The thing about this relationship is that it seems you both jumped into and it seems you go about things much differently. Normally you'd learn that during the months of his dating one another. I would've stuck to: oh I'm sorry to hear that. Hope you feel better soon!" Then that's it for the rest of the day. Unless she replied with something that requires a response. If I got all those messages about bringing me medicine and then we can do this and that.. If I'm sick I'd prefer to just get rest and not hit with a bunch of messages. I would fee pressured. My last ex did that a lot. Where if I turned her down she would mope or it would make me feel bad. I'd feel me being around her was affecting whether she would have a good day or not. It wasn't an attractive quality. I was okay or dealt with it fine for the first 4-5 months.. But eventually it got to be too overwhelming.

 

The reason I've been pointing out the positives that I'm seeing is that she sounds like she's showing enough interest in the early stages of dating. I know you agreed to the title but really you're in the dating stage.. And have a lot to learn about each other.

 

I wonder why when you two had alone time you made it more about how much time was left instead of enjoying the time with her and having a good time. It sounds like she was being affectionate and you spent the whole time in your own head. Not blaming you because I've done the same. The only way you can see if this is going to work for YOU is to get out of your own head for awhile and be yourself in the best way when you're around her.

 

Like RIY here told me. Plant the seed,nurture it and watch it grow. Don't keep digging it up and checking on it constantly.

 

Wow that's a really good way to put it re: planting the seed and not digging it up constantly.

 

Don't worry about beating me up, I probably really need it. I know none of you are holding back, so I'm getting the most raw advice I can through this forum and you awesome guys here.

 

Yes, I am holding onto those signs of enough interest to keep something alive for now. Not like she just used me for sex pretty much, which happened to me once during this saga of trying to meet a great girl.

 

You raise a good point about how you said that it seemed like your gf would only be happy if you were around or how it would affect her day. I've been there too. Not attractive, I know.

 

I'm usually "sweet, caring, gentleman" and if she's sick, I just thought I'd see if there was anything I could do to make her feel better. The added part of asking to hang out and watch our TV show together was too much.

 

Should I really have not said "Want me to bring you some medicine"? I would think it would be sweet if a girl asked me that. Not that I need her to do anything, but just the thought would be cute to me. She did say on the phone "Thanks for being so caring when I'm feeling crummy" and that "that was really sweet of you to offer me medicine".

[TheSpoon2Big]

So does anyone think there's still a chance this can be turned around? Namely, things I can do specifically to back off/slow down without it seeming like I've gone into passive aggressive mode? If she's used to hearing from me daily and throughout the day and then I sort of suddenly stop cold turkey?

[Coldarmy13]

I might've said "hope you feel better soon, let me know if there's anything I can do". That way it's quick, one message and shows you care. Not numerous ones. You don't have to worry about how she'd react, she'll say something if she's curious. Isn't about quitting cold turkey. More about not making your whole day about her. You do you in the days where you don't have plans.

 

It shouldn't be this hard. You're looking way too much into every single message/whether she sounds sick enough, etc. think of it this way. Absolute worst thing that will happen is that it won't work out.. That's all. You've been your own worst enemy.

[FlashEng1]

So does anyone think there's still a chance this can be turned around? Namely, things I can do specifically to back off/slow down without it seeming like I've gone into passive aggressive mode? If she's used to hearing from me daily and throughout the day and then I sort of suddenly stop cold turkey?

 

BigSpoon, what do you want us to say, friend?

 

It's past that point.

 

WAY past that point.

 

This is being absolutely blunt, honest, up front, and real with you. The warning signs, red flags, yellow flags, everything have been thrown, and you have been told repeatedly from many angles what is going on, what will continue to go on, and what this will ultimately turn into. There's NO other reality to it.

 

The only way to turn anything around, or to put your "foot down" once and for all in getting what you want out of a relationship, will take the one thing you continue to dance around.... Walking away.

 

Try it man.... TRYYYY IT! Do not call or text her until Tuesday. The weekend is here. Expect her to cancel, so make plans RIGHT NOW to do something for yourself.. Maybe in prep for your birthday? When/If she texts later today, this weekend, or on your birthday, be simple, polite, and direct!

 

Her

"I'm still sick hun, can't meet you after all"

 

You

"Oh no, get well soon babe! Maybe next week then!"

----

Her

"What are you doing hun?

 

You

"Working on these draft papers."

----

Her

"Happy Birthday!"

 

You

"Thanks!!"

----

Her

"I'm hungry"

 

You

"Me too

----

Her

"Want to meet up later tonight and watch GoT?"

 

You

"Ah, can't after all sweetie, overloaded on work, raincheck later this week?"

----

 

Hopefully you get the point. But ultimately, you need to walk away.

[TheSpoon2Big]

Alright, walk away. This is going to be really hard to do if it presents itself. If I went that way and she asked if I wanted to meet up later and watch GoT, I'd have a really difficult time saying no, but there is a part of me that sees what me declining all that would do to this dynamic.

 

I don't mean to "put her in place" or "put my foot down", but I do want to regain a sense of control of sorts, one I had back when I first met this girl. This is the same girl who upon first meeting was texting me the morning after the first date, "My car smells like you, I like it".

 

Anyway, here is how the day started between us:

 

Me Hey beautiful, how's your throat?

Her So sore, but I'm looking forward to seeing you tonight.

 

Not going to initiate or communicate much throughout the day via text at all. I had planned this date tonight over a week ago. We shall see...

[TheSpoon2Big]

I was thinking, so even if I have nothing planned or nothing to do, and she tries to hit me up to hang out, I’m to politely decline in order to gain some kind of control or sense of confidence/power back? What if I really have nothing going on, and I really do want to see her though? Is it more the principal that we’re hanging out on her time and not mine? Why so many games so early in a relationship?

[FlashEng1]

I was thinking, so even if I have nothing planned or nothing to do, and she tries to hit me up to hang out, I’m to politely decline in order to gain some kind of control or sense of confidence/power back? What if I really have nothing going on, and I really do want to see her though? Is it more the principal that we’re hanging out on her time and not mine? Why so many games so early in a relationship?

 

I apologize BigSpoon.. Everything I've said is being misunderstood and taken differently than expected. That's one of the many issues of texts/reading vs actual conversation.

 

All of this isn't to play a game, or to get control back or to put your foot down (the phrase was quoted more as an analogy/familiar reference). It's for you to truly move on and be happy with yourself. It's to get your life in the direction that you want. Whether it's with her or someone else. I'll address a couple more points and move on, as I really wouldn't like it if you took something to heart and acted upon it, only to not get the results you're thinking you're going to get.

 

- The game of dating.. It's a game. Like it or not.. Technically it ALL is a game. As much as many would like to deny it or claim they are different, we all have our version of how the game gets played. Some in the form of calling after X, some with texting only during Y, etc etc. That's just what it is, and it sucks, but it must be played. Now a relationship? Well, advice given to me by an older friend was: You're always dating the girl. When you're in a relationship, you're still dating her. When you're married, you're still dating her. Meaning you still do the things you were doing when dating, you still surprise her, treat her, do for her, etc. as if you were first dating.

 

- So many games early on in YOUR relationship: Because you rushed things. You skipped the actual dating and getting to know one another part. In the next relationship, TRY to give yourself a 6month-8month window of getting to know them before even mentioning titles. No matter HOW BADLY you feel for them, fight it and take your time.. You get through much of what you're going through by doing something like this.

 

- The entire idea of you declining and not texting as much is for you to get your mind right and actually remember who's number one in your world: You. Just as she is doing for herself in her own way. It isn't to play games or manipulate her to do anything in particular, HOWEVER, a side-effect of stepping back typically is the other person then chasing after you... or, if was never meant, them disappearing altogether.

 

- Think of it this way: As you start to walk away, and focus again on yourself and bettering the Future You, she will start to notice a difference. It can be both a blessing and a curse in that she MAY want you more, or chase after you more, but at the same time it won't really matter because you will have moved on and become stronger anyway. As well, if she just fades away, great, as so would you have.

 

 

As far as what if she tries to hang out, just do what you want. If you want to watch a movie with her, go for it. I was only suggesting the simple and direct approach if you had the strength or ability to be short, and get back to your own schedule. Even if your schedule was empty, make like it isn't! FIND things to do or read about, or discover... but honestly, this feels like a merry-go-round of a situation/relationship/life, so take all of what I'm saying with a grain of salt, if you aren't already.

[TheSpoon2Big]

I haven't posted here in a little while. Have spent some time with this girlfriend since my last posts. We spent a decent amount of time together this past weekend. We hung out Friday night, Saturday night, and most of Sunday during the day and into the night. We had a social date out with her coworkers on Saturday night after I took her out to a fancy dinner on Friday night. When I took her back to her place on Friday night, when I dropped her off at her place, there was a pause and a discussion in my car about coming into her place. She said she didn't want me to be disappointed and didn't want to just "kick me out after sex", but she said she wanted to have sex with me but didn't want me to sleep over. So we had sex and I didn't sleep over. Same thing Sat night pretty much.

 

Anyways, I'm in the midst of sort of breaking up with her right now, if that makes any sense? I have almost had it with the way she behaves with me. I don't feel like she's as into me as I am with her or this whole relationship thing. She brings her ex up a lot. More than I'm used to. And she brings up my ex too. I don't get it. We will be driving, say, past a golf range. She'll ask me if I've ever played golf, and I'll say no, I'm not that interested in it. I ask her in return, and she proceeds to tell me how her ex was training to be a professional golfer and how it's one of the only sports she can watch on TV because it's so exciting. I beg to differ.

 

We'll be watching something on TV where a white guy randomly says how he like black girls, and she will nudge me and say "hey that's you!" and I get frustrated, because my ex was half black and half asian, this current girlfriend thinks I like black girls or something, which I don't really have an opinion one way or the other one, it's just an uncomfortable discussion.

 

Yesterday was my birthday. She said she wanted to take me out to dinner after work. I was actually sick almost all day, shouldn't have even gone to work. I got out late, and she said it was too late for dinner and we could reschedule it for the next night (tonight). I felt better at the end of the day though, and had to ask her to come over to my apt to say hi and Happy Birthday. I had to basically say on the phone "so on my birthday, I don't get to see my girlfriend?" and then she was like Oh ok I can come to your place real quick.

 

She came over, gave me a present of a massage she bought for me, which was sweet. We had sex, but it was a little awkward, like it was forced.

 

Today I thought we'd go out to dinner, LIKE SHE TOLD ME/SAID YESTERDAY, but now she "has to go to bed early" because she's so busy and tired at work today, WAHHHHh!!!!!!!

 

She mentioned to me on Sun night that she's still "annoyed" over her breakup with her long term 4yr long ex and that even though they split up back in June/July of 2015, they have talked as recently as Feb/March of this year, and she said it's delayed her healing process? And they had some kind of discussion about maybe trying their relationship again when he came back to Colorado, I don't know. She said he has a new girlfriend and she doesn't seem him the same way and they could never get back together, etc, but she did say, "He just knows exactly what to say to me" if they talk on the phone, you know?

 

Anyway, I'm so frustrated. If you're wondering or cringing at the things I say below, it's because I just don't give a crap right now. Yes, I'm going to be hurt because I don't think this is going to work out and I'm the one calling it quits and that means I'll be alone again and especially with recently moving into my own apartment and living alone for the first time since 2013, it's going to be worse, but I can't help myself with her right now.

 

Just to give you an idea of the conversation flow at present time:

 

 

Me: Hope you have a good day

3 hrs

Me: Did you want to do something tonight?

2 hrs

Me: We should do a couples massage

1 hr

Her: Today is so incredibly busy. I'm going to bed early so tonight is probably not going to work. Cant do a couples massage this weekend silly. There is only one Aariel and two of us lol!

26 min

Me: I thought you said we could do the dinner tonight

26 min

Me: That's what I was planning for...

25 min

Me: And I didnt mean a couples massage this weekend I just meant in general sometime as something romantic we could do together

25 min

Me: If I didnt ask you to come over last night you wouldnt have and tonight you're too busy or going to bed early...

24 min

Me: I'm thinking more and more that you really aren't into "us" or me, as much as I am, I'm sorry

21 min

Me: You still talk about your ex a lot, it's clear you're not over him. If he wanted you back, like you said, he knows exactly what to say to you, that's what you said, he knows what to say, what words to say, all that

20 min

Me: Or maybe you just don't like me enough to have me make you get over him or something, idk. Maybe I don't excite you as much as the 2 month guy, that's why you don't go putting us on blast on facebook or introducing him to everyone and sleeping over at each others places?

19 min

Me: I think we should talk on the phone, text can't convey all this stuff

19 min

Me: I don't know what you want in me

Her: I received your messages, I cant respond to them right now but I will reach out to you after work and we can talk about everything. What time will you be off?

2 min

Me: So business like response lol. Do you have any emotion? Idk when I'll be off. I would prefer to talk to you in person

16 sec

Her: There's no need to be insulting. Today has been hectic and I've already got it in with a couple of people.

4 min

Her: This has been my busiest day in the past 2 months. Everybody is wanting my attention today and I'm stressed. So I'm not trying to be short.

2 min

Me: I'm not insulting, I'm just expressing myself to you and you don't seem to care one way or the other in showing how you really feel or that what I am feeling means anything or matters to you enough to warrant a semi emotional reply or simple acknowledgement or validation of what I'm opening up to you

2 min

Ok sorry that you're having a stressful day hope it gets better!

17 sec

[TheSpoon2Big]

I am almost losing it today all! Should I "break up" with this girl?

 

I keep thinking about how the only way I'll get what I want in life or this relationship or any relationship is to WALK AWAY. One of you told me that a few posts back.

 

I'm going to be alone.

[browneyedgirl36]

I am almost losing it today all! Should I "break up" with this girl?

 

I keep thinking about how the only way I'll get what I want in life or this relationship or any relationship is to WALK AWAY. One of you told me that a few posts back.

 

I'm going to be alone.

 

Yes, you need to walk away -- NOT to shock her into changing, but because this relationship isn't working. She can't be what you want her to be. It's not her fault. It's not your fault. It's not anyone's fault. It just is. Granted, she throws up a TON of red flags -- at least for me -- but this is just who she is, and it's not going to change.

 

Whether she really IS *too busy* OR she's just not that into you, either way, this isn't working for you. She's not going to change.

 

She's still into her ex;

She talks about her ex a lot, and seems to contrive reasons to bring him up;

She's all but told you she'd take back her ex if he wanted her back;

She is "too busy" to see you a lot of the time;

She had to be prompted to come see you on your birthday;

She makes plans and doesn't follow through;

She won't let you sleep over and kicks you out after sex (my ex did this sometimes too -- made me feel like DIRT);

She talks too much about her ex;

She talks too much about her ex;

She talks too much about her ex;

 

(OK, I probably didn't need to repeat that last part three times, but...you get the idea.)

 

This situation is causing you nothing but stress, frustration, and insecurity. You are MUCH better off alone for now.

[gp11a]

She mentioned to me on Sun night that she's still "annoyed" over her breakup with her long term 4yr long ex and that even though they split up back in June/July of 2015, they have talked as recently as Feb/March of this year, and she said it's delayed her healing process? And they had some kind of discussion about maybe trying their relationship again when he came back to Colorado, I don't know. She said he has a new girlfriend and she doesn't seem him the same way and they could never get back together, etc, but she did say, "He just knows exactly what to say to me" if they talk on the phone, you know?

 

There is always a justification from her for everything and she never puts you first. Maybe she is super busy or just being there to be there... I still don't think she's over her ex (exes?) and I don't think this is healthy at all for you. I mean, she was talking about wanting to try things together with her old ex??? Why bring that up? What she is doing isn't fair to you. I think you're in the mode where you feel like you can prove something to her and win her over... That's going to continue to get more exhausting. It doesn't have to be like that. Even if she is super beautiful, or has certain other qualities, you're putting in a lot more of yourself into this and constantly worrying. It doesn't have to be like that.

 

Continuing with this is preventing you from being 100% you and possibly preventing opportunities elsewhere... Don't worry about being alone, because being in something unhealthy will make you just as unhappy as being alone.

[TheSpoon2Big]

Thanks browneyed. Your post only amped me up more about this. I even texted her some of the stuff you said. I am getting more and more pissed at her today and she's not even replying to my texts anymore since her last one about telling me how hectic her work day is and that she is not trying to be short with me, blah blah blah. Well guess what, I'm SLAMMED at work too! But this "relationship" is giving me enough concern and pause to take time out of my daily activities to address it.

 

I am sure this is the end. And I feel bad about my immature behavior that may have made this worse.

[TheSpoon2Big]

There is always a justification from her for everything and she never puts you first. Maybe she is super busy or just being there to be there... I still don't think she's over her ex (exes?) and I don't think this is healthy at all for you. I mean, she was talking about wanting to try things together with her old ex??? Why bring that up? What she is doing isn't fair to you. I think you're in the mode where you feel like you can prove something to her and win her over... That's going to continue to get more exhausting. It doesn't have to be like that. Even if she is super beautiful, or has certain other qualities, you're putting in a lot more of yourself into this and constantly worrying. It doesn't have to be like that.

 

Continuing with this is preventing you from being 100% you and possibly preventing opportunities elsewhere... Don't worry about being alone, because being in something unhealthy will make you just as unhappy as being alone.

 

I know.... and I've only shot myself in the foot all day now, sending her repeated text messages with no reply. I even just tried to take a "breather" outside at work and called her and left a voicemail. I said I'd like to talk on the phone or in person and to please call me. I'm sure she's just really busy at work!

 

All I've done is make the situation worse. I am great at that. I can't leave with my pride intact, I have to be miserable and do something so I can blame myself. I'll just chalk it up to my insecurities I always have in relationships, and my constant need/desire for attention/affection/love that no one can give you in the beginning of a relationship, no matter how "perfect" it might be. And this one is far from perfect.

 

She's not a 9/10 in the beauty department. She's certainly better looking than most of the online girls I meet, but she's not as hot or pretty as my ex, for example. I know on the physical level I could do better, but that's not even what I'm thinking about right now.

 

You're right, the more I think about it, there's always a justification with her.

 

She didn't say she wanted to try things with her ex still. She was telling me how when they split up last year and she moved back to Colorado first, apparently there was some talk back and forth still between them about maybe trying things again when he moved back to Colorado, which I think was earlier this year. However, she repeatedly has told me she's over her ex. She said she's not reached the "indifference" level yet and doesn't see why that's any kind of obstacle in dating someone new and that I shouldn't be so considered about it. She said he has a new girlfriend and that she could not and does not see him the same way anymore and will never feel the same again and there's not a chance in hell they're getting back together....

 

But yea, this isn't fair to me. I guess I just feel anger now, pure anger. Like I've been walked on. Now my anger is rising up to try and protect me or something, I don't know. I'm angry at her and I want an answer/reply from her.

[Ms Darcy]

Yes, I think walking away from her permanently would be good for you and your mental health. No need to try to teach anyone anything with that. Do it owning the incompatibility.

[FlashEng1]

I even texted her some of the stuff you said.

 

 

There's your problem. Enough with the texts.. TRUST ME when I say: SHE GETS IT ALREADY.

 

I am getting more and more pissed at her today and she's not even replying to my texts anymore

 

Because she doesn't care. She doesn't care about you as much as you do her, AND she doesn't care about the drama you are bringing into her life ON TOP of the drama she is going through.

 

 

since her last one about telling me how hectic her work day is and that she is not trying to be short with me, blah blah blah. Well guess what, I'm SLAMMED at work too! But this "relationship" is giving me enough concern and pause to take time out of my daily activities to address it.

 

That's because you're not in a relationship. You pressured her into saying yes, when neither of you were ready, and now you continue to allow yourself to suffer the consequences of what happens when you're with someone who isn't right OR ready for you.

 

I am sure this is the end. And I feel bad about my immature behavior that may have made this worse.

 

Yeah, being quite blunt about things, your behavior has been a bit childish with a mix of neediness and manipulation to it. At least you feel bad about it though. Just don't let it rear it's ugly head in your next relationship as this one is done.

 

Your post only amped me up more about this.

 

So be a man and do it. Do it for YOU. Not to teach this chick a lesson. Let her go back to her ex, or find another dude, or whatever but it's not your worry.. You truly have 16+ PAGES of advice all gearing towards what you're just now coming to ends with? This advice isn't coming from random high school strangers. It's coming from adult strangers of all ages who have been in your shoes before and knows what it takes to get out of situations like yours and move on to better things. Though it is your choice to listen and take the advice, or ignore it all.

 

BigSpoon, either you value yourself enough to break it off with this girl over the phone or in person, AND NOT just talk or warn or threaten her about it anymore, or you're going to continue going through the needless emotional rollercoaster that you continuously create for yourself. Take it or leave it, there's nothing new in your updates that has changed anyone's opinion or impression of what's going on, or any advice. Break up, leave, move on. You deserve it.

[TheSpoon2Big]

She said that she has been completely honest this whole time and doesn't know what my problem is...

[TheSpoon2Big]

Yes, I think walking away from her permanently would be good for you and your mental health. No need to try to teach anyone anything with that. Do it owning the incompatibility.

When you say owning the incompatibility, what does that mean? Like, I am responsible for us not getting along or something? Sorry just trying to understand.

 

I think she may be the one who walks away now that I have displayed such sh*t behavior.

[Blundra]

I'm kinda new to this site but your posts have resonated with me in a major way..

I've been in a similar situation several times..and I mean the situation where you have to question what you're willing to accept in a person versus the things you absolutely won't stand for. I'm sure I'm not the first person to tell you that people won't change; sometimes if you stand up for yourself and tell them what is acceptable and what is not, they'll change because they see that the change is necessary for the relationship to move forward, or they'll continue to behave the way they do irregardless of whether or not it threatens the relationship. IMO, leaving the situation is your best option. For me, the driving force in struggling to maintain such relationships is the total fear of being alone. It seems ridiculous to choose to stay with someone who makes you unhappy over being alone, with the thought that those who are alone are only doing so out of force and are therefore miserable and lonely.

On a happy note, I've been alone before. And honestly..had the time of my life. Seriously! Sure, there are creeps in the online dating world. (As a woman I actually have some horror stories..typical liars alongside serious felons). However, I met some genuinely awesome people. Guys who even brought out sides of me that I thought were long gone. Things and hobbies and interests that I myself had forgotten about. I guess I'd say they awakened those sides of me.

Anyway, I hope some of this helps you, even though I feel like I've just been rambling on.. : )

[TheSpoon2Big]

When I told her that it bothered me that she talks so much about her ex, she said, “I don’t think I talk about my ex that much and you talk about yours also” – but I don’t. At least, I certainly try not to. If it comes up, it comes up, but I try to keep it short. She’ll bring things up sometimes like, “so in your last relationship you guys didn’t talk about marriage?” and I would tell her the truth, which was, “not really, I mean maybe once or twice seriously” and she’d press for more “seriously? You guys didn’t talk about it? That’s weird”. Like, SHUT UP ALREADY!!!!! STOP TALKING ABOUT YOUR EX AND STOP BRINGING MINE UP IF I DON’T FIRST!!!!!!!!!!!

 

 

There's your problem. Enough with the texts.. TRUST ME when I say: SHE GETS IT ALREADY.

 

Yea, and she said:

 

“Her: Reading through all these texts makes me feel funny and awkward. I dont know what to say to respond to any of these. I feel like I've been completely honest with you this whole time.

 

Her: Have I been pulling back...perhaps, but it's completely unrelated to my ex.”

 

Because she doesn't care. She doesn't care about you as much as you do her, AND she doesn't care about the drama you are bringing into her life ON TOP of the drama she is going through.

 

Fair and probably correct. I usually am too much drama and can’t have healthy and loving relationships. I’ve always gone and screwed it all up. Just like my dad called me, “you’re always in a crisis, always in crisis mode”. I’ve learned in therapy that only served to invalidate me and haunts me to this day as I just turn 31 that I can’t differentiate what I feel and what a “reasonable” or “normal” person would feel in my particular situation.

 

That's because you're not in a relationship. You pressured her into saying yes, when neither of you were ready, and now you continue to allow yourself to suffer the consequences of what happens when you're with someone who isn't right OR ready for you.

 

 

We are in a relationship though? I’m confused. I mean, I get what you’re saying, but we do have the official title. Also, I didn’t pressure her into saying yes. SHE was the one who brought things up. SHE was telling me one night that her coworkers etc kept bugging HER asking if “so is he your boyfriend yet?” etc and I capitalized on the opportunity as she had previously told me she likes a confident and assertive guy who will ask her to be his girlfriend instead of her asking him. She said it should always be the guy who suggests it first (in her world).

I don’t understand why she would go through the trouble to sign up for a PAID dating website, really put some time and thought into creating a profile, putting pictures online, setting up dates, following through with dates, having sex/affection/sharing your bed with someone, but then to have people around you tell you “you move too fast” and/or “wow it seemed like he really likes you and it doesn’t seem like you really like him back”, what the F!

I even told her earlier on the phone, WHY did you get on a dating site and go through with all of this. She said that she wanted/wants a relationship, but she wants it to move veryyyy slowwwww. She said she wants to become best friends with someone she’s dating, and that she doesn’t give out the “friendship” tag very lightly to people in her life. She said that patience is of the essence with her…

 

 

Yeah, being quite blunt about things, your behavior has been a bit childish with a mix of neediness and manipulation to it. At least you feel bad about it though. Just don't let it rear it's ugly head in your next relationship as this one is done.

 

At least I feel bad about it? Is that supposed to be a good thing? I guess maybe you’re trying to say that I at least recognize or acknowledge how stupid that behavior is/was? It rears its ugly head in every relationship. I am a complete wreck. I can’t seem to be capable of love and attention and affection. I’m a sob story, I know.

 

So be a man and do it. Do it for YOU. Not to teach this chick a lesson. Let her go back to her ex, or find another dude, or whatever but it's not your worry.. You truly have 16+ PAGES of advice all gearing towards what you're just now coming to ends with? This advice isn't coming from random high school strangers. It's coming from adult strangers of all ages who have been in your shoes before and knows what it takes to get out of situations like yours and move on to better things. Though it is your choice to listen and take the advice, or ignore it all.

 

 

Yes, 16+ pages but not all related to this specific girl. I haven’t placed the “girlfriend” tag on any girl I’ve dated since this thread began (Nov 2015?). I know this advice isn’t coming from high school strangers (good one lol!), that’s why I post here and love all of you guys, because it’s real. I went through this so extensively with my ex on here that actually I had to ask the moderators to delete out of privacy or request because it contained so much back and forth details of the initial stages of that relationship and how much I hyper-analyzed things. It was a realllllly long thread, and tons of good support from even some of the same folks in here (Darcy, Browneyed, et. al.)

 

BigSpoon, either you value yourself enough to break it off with this girl over the phone or in person, AND NOT just talk or warn or threaten her about it anymore, or you're going to continue going through the needless emotional rollercoaster that you continuously create for yourself. Take it or leave it, there's nothing new in your updates that has changed anyone's opinion or impression of what's going on, or any advice. Break up, leave, move on. You deserve it.

 

I am trying hard to come to terms with that notion: valuing myself. I have always devalued myself in my life, I guess. I’m in between therapists, but usually go to a therapist once a week, and they’ve been trying to get me into their group therapy programs too, which I am interested in. DBT = Dialectical Behavior Therapy

 

She said, “have you ever heard that saying, that you manifest your own fears?”, when I told her that I was just afraid that when she needed time to think about how she feels was just a way of separating and breaking up with me. She said she doesn’t want to talk about it anymore. I said, OK so I can’t come over and talk? No, OK. Can we talk later on the phone? No, why not? You don’t want to see me or talk to me any more today, great. So it’s whatever YOU want”

[TheSpoon2Big]

Before I read any of the latest posts and reply, I just got off the phone with her, while I'm here at work still. 1hr and 11min and 44 seconds, breaking up. Well, her breaking up with me rather...

 

Essentially, we spent an hour discussing what she couldn't really bring herself to admit fully before: she is still "processing" her breakup with her ex. She said she's not ready. And she said she doesn't want to hurt me, doesn't think she'll be able to give me what I want - whatever that means!?!

 

Won't be able to give me what I want? "Don't you want to find someone who will treat you better?" she said. I asked her almost point blank, "if your ex were to start to pursue you right now again, wanted to be back with you etc, would you say no or not want to get back with him?" and she said, "no, I don't think I can say no to that question right now". She could not definitively denounce her relationship with him. She said they spoke as recently as March - despite being broken up with since June of 2015!!!!!!

 

 

So her telling me all of this, or me bringing it out of her, is hurtful a little. You guys can poke at it or "be real" and honest, brutal, etc, and tell me I should n't be this sad, and you're probably right. I guess I shouldn't be so emotionally distraught over this at this point in the relationship, but I still feel SOMETHING.

 

Sad, hurt, shocked, upset, angry, mad, depressed, pissed off, what else?

[TheSpoon2Big]

I'm kinda new to this site but your posts have resonated with me in a major way..

I've been in a similar situation several times..and I mean the situation where you have to question what you're willing to accept in a person versus the things you absolutely won't stand for. I'm sure I'm not the first person to tell you that people won't change; sometimes if you stand up for yourself and tell them what is acceptable and what is not, they'll change because they see that the change is necessary for the relationship to move forward, or they'll continue to behave the way they do irregardless of whether or not it threatens the relationship. IMO, leaving the situation is your best option. For me, the driving force in struggling to maintain such relationships is the total fear of being alone. It seems ridiculous to choose to stay with someone who makes you unhappy over being alone, with the thought that those who are alone are only doing so out of force and are therefore miserable and lonely.

On a happy note, I've been alone before. And honestly..had the time of my life. Seriously! Sure, there are creeps in the online dating world. (As a woman I actually have some horror stories..typical liars alongside serious felons). However, I met some genuinely awesome people. Guys who even brought out sides of me that I thought were long gone. Things and hobbies and interests that I myself had forgotten about. I guess I'd say they awakened those sides of me.

Anyway, I hope some of this helps you, even though I feel like I've just been rambling on.. : )

 

Thanks Blundra, I appreciate you sharing and commenting with your own experiences. I can only imagine all the weirdos you girls run into online. I have heard a few horror stories from girls I've met online who tell me the crap guys send them or the crap guys say and think is cool.

 

Yes, I'm a little afraid of being alone. No, I'm out right terrified. I hate it with a passion. Makes me feel like something is wrong with ME that I can't find a single person on this planet to co-habitate with or who will put up with me as I put up with them, in a cute way.

 

I've been alone before. I lived on my own in my own apartment (throughout 2-3 relationships) from 2010 to 2013, before I ended up with my ex and moved in with her. Moving in with her terrified me too though! I was CERTAIN we'd have more fights, that she would bring out the worst in me, my temper and annoyance/frustration and I'd lose my cool and make the situation worse, which is pretty much 100% what happened.

 

And now I've come full circle back to my own apartment again, alone. So with this most very recent girlfriend breaking up with me, I feel even more alone right now, trying to settle in and comfortably live in my own space.

[TheSpoon2Big]

Just got off the phone with her again, she called me.

 

Reader’s digest version she needs space and time to think about this.

 

 

More detailed version

 

 

i. She spent some time on the phone with her sister and brother in law, with whom she shares a solid bond and shares everything with etc, and she told me that they told her to just go with your intuition and what your heart says/feels.

ii. She said she thinks we slept together too soon.

iii. She said her sis and bro-in-law told her that I was a really nice guy, and asked her, “so (her name), if he has a lot of good qualities that you are looking for in a relationship and he treats you well and is sweet and a gentleman etc, what is the problem?” and she said to them, “I don’t know, I just feel resistance”.

iv. She told me that she really started feeling resistance this past Sat when she went out to lunch with her dad for his birthday. Reason being, she said, was that her dad kept bringing up the topic of her ex. I guess they spent time talking about her ex, what happened, etc. And she said that brought up stuff for her and started making her think things or question things such as why she wasn’t feeling such an emotional excitement feeling with me as she did with her ex. She said, “I’ll admit I mean I was young when I met him and I believed in the whole love at first sight thing blah blah blah”.

v. She said she’s an introvert with extrovert tendencies. She said she loves being social and hanging out with friends and meeting new people, but that she needs to “recharge” herself when she’s at home and alone.

vi. As we got off the phone she just said, “just let me reach out to you”.

 

 

Adios.