TheSpoon2Big

Thanks for being kind. The potential job thing isn't what I thought it would be. I've helped the guy out a few times, but haven't gotten paid yet. It's not a real official job. Just something to get some experience and pass the time I guess. I'm currently in a VA program for Veterans for job training. I'm doing IT computer stuff. Will have some professional certifications soon that carry some weight. It's just hard to get into a job without experience and can't get experience without a job. I like your volunteering suggestion. That's somewhat of what I'm doing at the moment.

Holy crap yes!!! I don't know why I thought the account was deleted or something! I couldn't remember my old log in details. I'm surprised someone remembered! Maybe I should go back onto that account although it's hard to feel like some of the same person as I used to be when I was so active with my problems here 9-10 years ago lol. I appreciate the response, and I'm not disagreeing with you or anyone who says I need to work on things. I'm not shucking off responsibility or any ownership. But without going into my entire family history, it's hard to make a judgement on this whole thing as a third party observer. Again, I know I have issues, and I've taken steps to work on them. I could go into how my attempts keep getting ruined i.e. a few months ago, I was doing an intensive outpatient group therapy program with a local hospital via Zoom 3-4 days per week for 2-3hrs each time. I was also unemployed at that time and had a job opportunity come up to work out of state for a month or two and make good money. I couldn't say no to that! I didn't think it would be a problem to still attend the therapy because it was virtual. But as soon as I told my therapists in the group what I was doing, they just discharged me from the program "because I crossed state lines". And then when I got back into town and tried to get involved again, they said they did not have the capacity or capability to help me. This was all arranged by the VA (I'm a Veteran) and they referred me back to the VA to get them to find me yet another "Community Care" provider. This kind of thing has been rinse and repeat for over a year. I'll get matched with a provider, and then after a few sessions that provider will essentially kick me out, saying it's not a good fit. My family is far from perfect. If you only knew the things that have been said and done by them against me. The pot calling the kettle black. And they know exactly the knife to twist inside me to hurt me, and they use it frequently.

Really hard to pick a single section of this forum to post under lol. I guess Emotions and Feelings are as general and vague yet all encompassing as they get! This is more of a vent post since no one will read it. And that's OK it's not really my goal. I can't make anyone like me or offer any amazing words of wisdom or encouragement based on some minimalist post on the internet. All I can hope is that I can't make it any worse. I'm at a seriously low, low point in my life. I used to post a lot on this forum under a different name once upon a time, mostly focused on girls I was dating and the subsequent lead up to or fallout thereof the relationships with them. Those days seem long ago and if only I had those worries in my life, it'd seem a lot easier than what I have to deal with now. And I can't blame anyone but myself, right? It's a new level of hopelessness and loneliness I feel, especially lately, especially today. Thank God for my dog. She's about all I've got. I tried to call my father earlier tonight in my excitement to tell him I might have a job again, although I don't know where it's going and don't want to get my hopes up. He didn't answer, of course. I got a text from him that just said, "What" and, "Text". I said I just wanted to talk. He said his back hurts. So I guess he can't pick up the phone call from his only son? That's a lie if I've ever heard one... I suggested I'd just come to his house then to visit (2 hours drive). He said "Don't recommend". ***? What's the grand conspiracy here? I know it has to have something to do with the rest of my small, broken and messed up family. My sister has effectively disowned me without saying it. It's been about a year since we last spoke in some drunken argument on the phone. We both said very hurtful things, but that wasn't the first time. Come to find out in May (my birthday month), I ran across my sister's post on Facebook welcoming the birth of her third child. Great news! I had no idea. Everyone in the family specifically sought to either keep this information from me, or just didn't care to even mention it one time in any conversation? Like, "hey your sister is having a girl this time!" or something? Nope, nothing. Like I wasn't going to eventually find out anyway? I mean, why go out of your way to obscure this from me? It's just weird. And hurtful. Feels like I'm being further and further excluded from the family. My nephew won't talk to me, maybe ever again now. It was like 2 weeks ago, he finally answered a call from me (been trying since April) and wouldn't let me speak, said he had earplugs in and he would not be able to hear anything I was saying. He said stuff like, "I can't hear you so don't even bother but just listen to me you're crazy you need help and I'm never talking to you" and came out of left field saying I needed to go to NA, Rehab, and to a church! Which is some insanely confusing stuff coming from someone who hasn't talked to me in months and has no clue what's going on in my life etc. I have no idea why he thinks I would need rehab or NA. I'm not any kind of addict at all. If anything maybe he meant AA, but not even that is a big deal. I hardly ever drink anymore these days. Being broke and unemployed sure cuts down on your ability to spend money on drugs and alcohol even if I wanted to, which I don't. So I don't know where he got that information. Probably from my Mom. She's a basket case herself. Then there's my cousin who's about my age. I haven't talked to her in decades. I don't know where she lives, I know nothing about her life. Except that we were following each other on Instagram, that's about it. And out of nowhere, also a few weeks ago, she starts messaging me the most hateful and vile things in response to some post I put on my profile story or something. She's calling me a "***" and a "***" and saying I'm gross and that my girlfriends have all left me because I have a mental illness and all this *** about how my dad has an anger problem and I'm this and that etc. Really hateful hurtful stuff. I took a screenshot and showed my Mom asking her, "How the hell does this girl think she knows anything about me or my life?" and my Mom's response?, "I don't know don't underestimate her, she's clever". Wow thanks mom. i could write for hours but what's the po;int

Do you work with your ex too? I do hang in there.... ugh

Day 3 - Have been hanging out with another girl all weekend and it has helped me not think about her as much. Still creeps up in my mind. Have to see her at work tomorrow. Not looking forward to it. I'm stronger when I don't have to see her.

Day 2 update - I made it through the entire day at work almost without looking at her. I even went around the office break area in an extra effort to avoid her. Once I did this, I noticed her coming over to my side of the office to chit chat with my boss. Not sure if that means anything, but it was weird for me to try to avoid her actually instead of making excuses to talk to her. I'm going on a date with another girl tonight. I am excited to see if I can feel anything.

Day 2- Sent her an email of a song that I thought she would like. No response. Now I'm sitting at work and she is about 15ft away from me at her desk. I feel like crying. Ugh.

Day 1-ish Not sure if this counts as Day 1, since it's July 4th and I called her to see if she was doing anything for the holiday and if she wanted to do something later like watch fireworks. Of course she didn't answer, so I left a voicemail. Not sure what is wrong with me. She has told me to leave her alone and even blocked me on text (but then unblocked me - this has happened maybe 3x) a few days ago... Trouble is, we WORK TOGETHER. So I am not sure how to go about NC. It's extremely hard. Everyone takes their breaks at the same time roughly, and it's impossible not to see or hear each other every single day at work. And I love my job. Yesterday, she went on a walk with a male coworker of ours that she never has done before when she was with me, so I think she meant to shield herself from running into me on a break and/or to make me jealous. I don't know. Anyways, here goes NC the best I can, while working together. I threw away a few of her things she left at my house today. It's really hard. I am hurting so bad, I was in tears awhile ago. The worst part is thinking that she doesn't care or is hurt at all. She even told me on Monday when we were walking together during a break at work that she had gone on a date over the weekend with a guy to the movies. It was like a stab in my gut.

Now it's goodbye forever. Haven't heard from you since. Not sure if you blocked my number or not. I don't know if I want to find out. I don't want to be a creep but seriously you don't have to block me. I'm not harassing you. 3 weeks ago we were about to move in together, 2 weeks ago you broke up with me but told me you had sexual dreams about me and that in another dream I was talking to a new girl and you were jealous. Then we almost had sex. Then you pushed me away again and said we are just friends. Now you tell me you want to see other people, move out of the country, block my number, and never be my friend.

Ditto I worry you'll be kissing someone else at midnight... instead of me like you did for the past 4 years

Were you the one broken up with? Or did you do the breaking? I'm just curious because your post stood out to me for some reason. I feel the same way as you. Today was really hard... I caved and sent her an email saying Merry Christmas, even though I know she either won't get it or she won't care. It's been 2 months for me. I am the same as you... if I can just get through New Years. Then her birthday. Then I feel like I might be able to breathe.

I hope you're happy. I really wish you wouldn't have blocked my phone number... you never went through with this like this before... you always threatened me with leaving so many times over the last 4 years, how did you expect me to think this one was serious at first? I'm still in shock. I bet you have thrown away all the letters and stuff I sent you. You probably never watched the DVD I made of all our pictures together and music videos that were "ours", etc. I know your mom put the roses I sent you in her room because you probably were going to throw them away. They just sat in the box in your room (your brother told me). Every time I go over to your house when your mom calls me for food or something I want to cry. Do you know your mom cries when she sees me? Maybe it's a cultural thing, I don't know. She cries when I'm leaving and she tells me "don't worry about her, you go find another girl on the internet"... yea it sounds nice and she means well and she gives me a hug and it feels good. But I know you HATE it when she invites me for food even though you're not home at all. UGH I can't believe you did this to me! To us! You know how much I have fears of being abandoned. Yea I need to work on those, I know. But that aside.... you know I have no family. These holidays are KILLING ME!!!