Butterflyxx Posted November 10, 2015 Share Posted November 10, 2015 Me and my boyfriend have been together for 10 months and have been friends for 3 years so we know one another well. Recently I've realised that our relationship has changed a lot since when we first started dating, and I was wondering if he's maybe losing feelings for me, or if it's just natural. When we first started dating and for the first few months he put in a lot of effort, he constantly said nice and romantic things to me, he always wanted to talk to me and be around me, we never used to argue (I didn't like arguing with him) and things were basically perfect. Now however I've noticed he doesn't put as much effort in as before, for example he can go for hours and hours when he's with his friends without messaging me once, he still says I love you, he calls me baby, gorgeous etc but he doesn't say the romantic stuff as much as he used to whatsoever, and he spends most of his nights on xbox for hours so he replies slower and he replies shorter than what he used to,(yes he's obsessed with xbox and unfortunately spends hours on it), yet recently he told me that he can't be without me ever, and that he loves me. (We talk mainly on text throughout the day and we see one another at the weekends and a bit at school). (I'm 17 and he's just turned 18. One thing that hasn't changed throughout our relationship is when we're together he is always close to me, for example holding my hand, looking me in the eyes, kissing me, just being romantic with one another in public. Is this how a relationship is meant to be after nearly a year? I was reading about it and apparently my boyfriend just feels comfortable in the relationship and doesn't need to put in as much effort as he did at the start to 'get me'? Am I just looking into things too much? But I miss how it used to be how we used to talk literally all day every day from the minute we got up to when we went to bed, but he doesn't seem as eager anymore, especially when we converse through text, in person everything is fine. He used to be so eager to talk to me and be around me all the time but he doesn't anymore, at least not as much as he used to. When we do talk however we are so much more relaxed with one another, we feel comfortable with one another, for example I don't mind not wearing makeup around him and we just joke around with one another, and we don't feel insecure around each other. Link to comment
jobelle Posted November 10, 2015 Share Posted November 10, 2015 Am I just looking into things too much? But I miss how it used to be how we used to talk literally all day every day from the minute we got up to when we went to bed, but he doesn't seem as eager anymore, especially when we converse through text, in person everything is fine. He used to be so eager to talk to me and be around me all the time but he doesn't anymore, at least not as much as he used to. Yes, you are reading into things too much. It's just not humanly possible to talk all day every day unless you just give up every other aspect of your life, such as school, friends, family. Let him breathe!!! Plus I can guarantee that if he did give up every other aspect of his life, you would sooner or later lose all attraction for him. Go and hang out with your friends and do your own thing. You'll have a much happier relationship if you do. Link to comment
Butterflyxx Posted November 10, 2015 Author Share Posted November 10, 2015 Thank you! The reason why I was looking into it too much was because when we first started dating we used to talk all the time but now we don't as much as we used to and I was wondering if that's just natural as our relationship progresses or not Link to comment
Batya33 Posted November 10, 2015 Share Posted November 10, 2015 Consider that messaging back and forth while he's with his friends is not really meaningful communication. My husband and I emailed occasionally during the day but talked on the phone for 20-40 minutes daily on the days we did not see each other. Never texted or messaged (and I don't think we ever have -been together 10 years total). Staying in touch like you describe is more about a need for reassurance than meaningful communication. Link to comment
Butterflyxx Posted November 10, 2015 Author Share Posted November 10, 2015 I can see where you're coming from with needing reassurance, the reason being is because I only see him usually at the weekend and for only a very small time at school so the main use of communication is between text as he's usually either doing coursework or xbox on a night so we can't call. Link to comment
Ms Darcy Posted November 10, 2015 Share Posted November 10, 2015 It's not normal or healthy to be messaging back and forth all day and it sounds like you need more stuff going on in your life other than the bf. Link to comment
Batya33 Posted November 10, 2015 Share Posted November 10, 2015 I can see where you're coming from with needing reassurance, the reason being is because I only see him usually at the weekend and for only a very small time at school so the main use of communication is between text as he's usually either doing coursework or xbox on a night so we can't call. Then I would wait until you can have conversations in person. If his priority is xbox rather than calling I'd see that as a red flag. Link to comment
j.man Posted November 10, 2015 Share Posted November 10, 2015 we used to talk literally all day every day from the minute we got up to when we went to bed.I'm cringing at the thought. I don't think this is healthy at any point, whether you've first started dating or whether you're married. I don't text my girlfriend while I"m with my friends and she doesn't text me while she's with hers. I don't have any need to know she's thinking about me while shes enjoying time out with her friends. I do fault him for setting the standard, but now he's made the smart decision of scaling it back to a much healthier level. You should embrace the space. Link to comment
DoF Posted November 10, 2015 Share Posted November 10, 2015 # 1, stop/lay off texting #2 focus on his "lack of interest". Currently, based on his actions, he is more interested in playing Xbox and hanging out with his friends vs being with you. Let HIM prove his love to YOU with ACTIONS. I would back off and simply watch his actions and allow him to show you how interested he really is. It's not healthy for you to be all the initiation of contact or initiation of companionship. That is a HUGE red flag for him. I wouldn't even speak to him about it either, just sit back, kick your feet up and see what he does going forward. Monitor it closely. Remember, ACTIONS speak louder than WORDS. Especially when the words are coming from a teenage boy...... Good luck Link to comment
melancholy123 Posted November 10, 2015 Share Posted November 10, 2015 The novelty has worn off for him, as it does for everyone. A year in it's not new, it's comfortable. Stop being so desperate for texts from him, find something to do with your life that does not revolve around him. You guys are so young and dont understand this is how things play out over time. Doesnt mean he doesnt care for or love you, it's just all part of the process. Link to comment
Butterflyxx Posted November 10, 2015 Author Share Posted November 10, 2015 Thank you! Link to comment
Butterflyxx Posted November 10, 2015 Author Share Posted November 10, 2015 Do you think there's a possibility he's losing feelings for me? Link to comment
Birdie Posted November 10, 2015 Share Posted November 10, 2015 What have you done to address your anxiety? Or getting hobbies individually? The amount you post about this relationship, it seems it's more stress than enjoyment. Are you truly happy? Link to comment
Butterflyxx Posted November 10, 2015 Author Share Posted November 10, 2015 No I'm 90% unhappy if I'm honest and I have no hobbies Link to comment
Batya33 Posted November 10, 2015 Share Posted November 10, 2015 Your obligation in a healthy relationship is to have a fun/fulfilling life independent of your partner. What changes can you make? Need is not love. Link to comment
Butterflyxx Posted November 10, 2015 Author Share Posted November 10, 2015 The thing is, I don't have many friends, I don't have any hobbies so the only interesting thing in my life is my boyfriend, and I only see him on Saturdays if we're both not busy, and I see him for a few seconds at school and I mainly communicate with him on text, so I get annoyed and anxious, especially the past few months as we don't talk as much as we used to,for example he'll spend most of his night on xbox and he doesn't put effort into conversations like he used to, and I'm not entirely sure if he's just comfortable in our relationship as we've been together nearly a year, and doesn't see the need to put effort in to get me, or he's losing interest Link to comment
Batya33 Posted November 10, 2015 Share Posted November 10, 2015 The thing is, I don't have many friends, I don't have any hobbies so the only interesting thing in my life is my boyfriend, and I only see him on Saturdays if we're both not busy, and I see him for a few seconds at school and I mainly communicate with him on text, so I get annoyed and anxious, especially the past few months as we don't talk as much as we used to,for example he'll spend most of his night on xbox and he doesn't put effort into conversations like he used to, and I'm not entirely sure if he's just comfortable in our relationship as we've been together nearly a year, and doesn't see the need to put effort in to get me, or he's losing interest Then you are not doing your part to be in a healthy relationship and it's not fair to burden him in this way. What steps can you take today to meet more people and develop more interests? Do you do volunteer work? Ever considered volunteering backstage in community theater? What kind of exercise do you do and where? It's possible he is bored because what do you have to talk with him about that's interesting if he is your main interest? Link to comment
Butterflyxx Posted November 10, 2015 Author Share Posted November 10, 2015 Please may I ask how am I burdening him? And how is me not having a hobby going to make me boring? My boyfriends hobby is playing on xbox 24/7 Link to comment
Birdie Posted November 10, 2015 Share Posted November 10, 2015 Aw Butterfly...why are you staying in a situation where you're 90% unhappy? This relationship won't work out with you relying on him to be your whole life. It will burn out, the reality is its not sustainable. What's one thing you've always wanted to try? You're in school still so there must be groups you can easily join. Sports? Music? Arts? Joining an area of interest will also lead you to silimar people, which can widen your social circle. You need to have outside interests. It doesn't have to be anything crazy, heck grab a book and get into a series! Just try something. Link to comment
Butterflyxx Posted November 10, 2015 Author Share Posted November 10, 2015 I care about him a lot and I know that it's myself that needs to change so I'd prefer to change myself before ending the relationship. If I had a hobby and had a bigger circle of friends, would that make me more interesting to him? And would that make him less bored with me as I'd be busy more and he'd have to put more effort in to talk to me and see me more? I just don't understand if I'm boring him or if things are getting comfortable in our relationship. I'm into books, but I can't think of anything else Link to comment
Birdie Posted November 10, 2015 Share Posted November 10, 2015 Because if he cannot be your everything. He cannot be your entertainment, support, social life, etc. It's TOO much pressure on him and he will get sick of it. Relationships should be between two people who value their time together and respect one another, but are individuals outside of each other as well. In my relationship, for example, I own a horse, I run, I do yoga, I read and knit, and I love TV. My idea of relaxing is curling up and watching reruns of my favourite shows. My boyfriend likes video games, being social with his fiends and eating out. We do our own things to make us happy as individuals and accept that....so he goes out to eat? Fine i cook myself an awesome meal. I'm feeling stressed and upset, I go for a run and see my horse. Then together as individually happy and fulfilled people, we support each other (even if it's him telling me to get my butt to the barn even though it's cold out, because he knows how much my mare means to me) and have fun doing other things together. If he was texting me constantly and I felt I was the centre of his world I would be gone, no one wants someone dependent on them. Link to comment
Birdie Posted November 10, 2015 Share Posted November 10, 2015 You do what you need to do to make you happy. If whoever you're in a relationship with finds you boring because of your interests, you're in the wrong relationship. Link to comment
Butterflyxx Posted November 10, 2015 Author Share Posted November 10, 2015 I think my boyfriend is part of the reason as he doesn't put in any time for me and he spends his nights on xbox chatting to his friends and at school I'm in the same room as him at lunch yet I hardly see him as he's sat with a group of his friends so I only spend time with him 4 hours at the weekend and we talk after school but even now that's limited as he plays games for hours and doesn't seem too interested in talking to me when he's busy. If I were able to see him a bit more I wouldn't be feeling this anxiety constantly and I'd feel more relaxed. I've spoke to him about seeing him more as there are many ways we are able to see one another e.g. walk home together but he says he's doing the best he can do. Similarly I believe I could help myself by not being as available as I am to him as I've noticed on several of occasions if I don't pay him a lot of attention like I usually do and if I am more busy with friends he begins to miss me. Link to comment
Dottieflanogon Posted November 10, 2015 Share Posted November 10, 2015 he's got you where he wants you so to speak and has completely admitted that he doesn't think he needs to "woo" you anymore. You still need to be shown that they are appreciated, and this is unfair to you.Can you explain to him that you feel neglected very bluntly? Of course, it varies from couple to couple, but if someone likes to be romanced every once in a while, they have a right to that. It's about making your partner happy. It's not about what he AS their partner feel is the right way to go about things. Emotions don't quite work that way Link to comment
Butterflyxx Posted November 10, 2015 Author Share Posted November 10, 2015 I've told him so many times that I feel neglected, I've actually given up telling him now as he repeatedly tells me he's doing the best he can Link to comment
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