Should I stay or should I go

[PurplePineappl]

I hope I can find some advice on here as I am feeling so confused at the moment.

 

I have been in relationship for 8 years. I'm now 27. I love him, and care for him very much, but I have had some doubts for some time but only recently really acknowledged them.

 

There are lots of good things about my boyfriend. I can trust him, I know he would never hurt me, he has a very good heart and he is a lovely person. We share interests and we really enjoy each other's company, we have fun together. He also has many flaws, such as being emotionally immature, not very capable of looking after himself (cooking, holding down a steady job etc), spending too much time on his phone and computer.

 

And I suppose the main thing is that, I met him when I was 19 and I have grown a lot since then as a person. He hasn't so much.

 

After spending a week long holiday together recently I started to realise that, we really don't have much in common any more. There were lots of things about him that started to annoy me. And I feel much less attracted to him these days.

 

We only moved in together finally about 10 months ago. And I'm realising that I am getting bored of feeling like I look after him, having to tell him to clean, watching him eat terrible food because he is so fussy and won't eat my meals, driving him around, having to bail him out if he is low on money. Sometimes I feel more like a mother than a girlfriend.

 

I am wondering if it is right or fair to stay with him, especially as I've recently been imagining what my life would be like without him.

 

But when I think about actually breaking up with him I feel sick. I care about him so much, and I tell myself it's just the normal sign of a long term relationship - you'll never be madly in love forever right?

 

His family have moved away and he doesn't have many friends. I'm his life, and it's because of my independence and money that he is so settled in a nice house with everything he needs. If I leave him, i know it will absolutely kill him. It will tear his life apart. The thought of causing this pain makes me feel terrible, I'm not even sure if I could take it myself.

 

Deep down, I feel like I know what I should do. But 8 years is a long time, and I almost feel like I have no excuse - he hasn't done anything bad or wrong. How can I explain that our relationship has just run its course?

 

He is a good person. He isn't with me just because I help him out and look after him. In a way, if he was it would almost make it better. If I knew he was having doubts that our relationship was still going for right reasons, it might be easier to walk away. But I think he sees us today the same way he saw us years ago.

 

Should I leave him? How will I find the strength to do this? I'm at a crossroads in my life anyway, thinking about changing jobs and moving away. I'm not sure I could handle so much change in my life, I'm a sucker for comfort and familiarity. I've never been single for very long, I know that is in no way a reason to stay with someone, but I'll admit, I'm scared.

 

 

[Coldarmy13]

This is a tough one. Did you not know this about him long before you moved in together?

 

Only thing I can think to tell you is that someone elses happiness alone is never a reason to stay. A relationship should benefit both people.

 

If your feelings have changed, unfortunately time served isn't the right reason to stay. Luckily there are no kids involved. If you do leave him id say to be more aware/careful about red flags with new partners.

[melancholy123]

I found myself in a similar situation at 23. I married a man at just 19, which was really a stupid thing to do. By 23 I could see that this was going nowhere and I didn't particularly like him anymore for many reasons, and none of them were things that were likely to change. I'd outgrown him as I matured, and that's what you have done. You've outgrown your bf. I left my him because I'd had enough of his BS and knew I didn't want to live the rest of my life with him or in such a situation with anyone.

 

We got divorced a few years later when he found someone else and really wanted to marry her. I married a second time a few years after that. I have no idea what happened to him, and I dont care. My husband is a good man and we have two grown kids.

 

You dont stay with someone because you think you will destroy him if you move out. You dont sacrifice your life for his. He will learn to function on his own because he will have to.

[DoF]

Typical 20s male...completely normal.

 

"If someone is not a positive influence, doesn't make you happy, doesn't work hard on themselves or you to be the best person they can be, they are simply not worth being around".

 

So first, start off with yourself. Sounds like you are positive influence on him and make him happy. Have YOU pushed him to be the best person he can be?

 

Flip it, how about him?

 

If not, you need to show him that quote and tell him it's important (assuming you believe it/agree with it of course).

 

If you invested 8 years into this relationship, you are going to have to push him to do better....so you can keep it going. Tell him you want to have a bright/happy and financially stable future. If he says a job, you say career.

 

Making each other great is part of ANY relationship.

 

Talk to him, nicely, he should understand. Give him time to take steps to improve, pay attention to ACTIONS over words. Think about how much time you want to give him.

 

Meanwhile, remain optimistic and stop dwelling on this (we often push ourselves in directions we would never take if we dwell/think negative etc). Be positive and optimist about him changing and improving.

 

DO IT YOURSELF. Often when we work hard on ourselves, our loved ones follow (in time) by default.

 

Remember we don't reach full maturity until 30s....and some never do. Make sure your boyfriends is not that kind.....

 

Hope that helps. Good luck.

[PurplePineappl]

Yes, I knew. In my teenage years I was definitely one of those people drawn to boys with issues. My previous boyfriend is proof of that, he was a mess. Maybe I felt good about helping them.

 

But I'm older now, and I crave a relationship with someone who doesn't rely on me so much.

 

I used to tell myself, ok maybe he isn't exactly marriage material, but we have fun, get on well, and love each other so it doesn't matter, I was never looking for a husband, I was young. I'm not looking to settle down immediately, but I suppose maybe I've grown up and what we had just isn't enough any more. I still love him though.

[Movingforward3]

It is a tough call. I understand your dilemma. Make sure you think it through. Take time make sure it isn't gigs. Perhaps, a few days away to see if you miss him?

[PurplePineappl]

Thanks DoF for the positive response.

 

I do push him. i used to anyway. Supported him when he decided to go back to uni, encouraged him to follow his dreams, told him why he was great and tried to give him advice. Maybe I don't so much any more but I'm tired of helping. I wonder if he suffers from depression or something and that's why he struggles with work, relationships and self esteem.

 

But I'm the total opposite, I have a great career, lots of friends, I'm very ambitious, set up a company aged 23, im always learning and developing and working. And the more I do the more I notice what he isn't doing.

 

Perhaps there is more to be done. I could not afford to live here alone so maybe I should take the next few months as an opportunity to see what happens.

 

I agree, I don't want to rush into anything. I just also don't want to string him along knowing these thoughts are in my mind.

 

Thanks so much everyone for your comments.

[Hollyj]

Typical 20s male...completely normal.

 

"If someone is not a positive influence, doesn't make you happy, doesn't work hard on themselves or you to be the best person they can be, they are simply not worth being around".

 

So first, start off with yourself. Sounds like you are positive influence on him and make him happy. Have YOU pushed him to be the best person he can be?

 

Flip it, how about him?

 

If not, you need to show him that quote and tell him it's important (assuming you believe it/agree with it of course).

 

If you invested 8 years into this relationship, you are going to have to push him to do better....so you can keep it going. Tell him you want to have a bright/happy and financially stable future. If he says a job, you say career.

 

Making each other great is part of ANY relationship.

 

Talk to him, nicely, he should understand. Give him time to take steps to improve, pay attention to ACTIONS over words. Think about how much time you want to give him.

 

Meanwhile, remain optimistic and stop dwelling on this (we often push ourselves in directions we would never take if we dwell/think negative etc). Be positive and optimist about him changing and improving.

 

DO IT YOURSELF. Often when we work hard on ourselves, our loved ones follow (in time) by default.

 

Remember we don't reach full maturity until 30s....and some never do. Make sure your boyfriends is not that kind.....

 

Hope that helps. Good luck.

 

She is not his parent and it is not her responsibility to show him how to act like a mature male. By doing what you suggest, is only enabling him. She should not have to stay in a relationship that she has outgrown. That is not fair.

 

I don't know any men in their 20's who behave like this. This is who he is: lazy and an underachiever.

 

OP, he will survive. if anything, it may make him grow up. Don't ever sacrifice yourself in this way. And, stop enabling people.

[ParisPaulette]

It's time to leave. You've become his mom and I'm sure you didn't sign up to take care of a man child. If he didn't eat my cooking I'd tell him to fix his own and stop catering to him all the time.

 

I would tell him to figure out how to be a grownup and pack my bags and go. He's all but demanding you wipe his butt for him, which is just ridiculous. And it's not "can't do it" it's pure laziness. With you enabling his bad behavior he will never change, just get worse.

 

P.S. OP just to emphasize how ridiculous your BF is acting, I have friend who is a vet who is partially paralyzed and has one leg missing. And yet he leads a full independent life including being able to drive himself, hold down a job, clean and cook. He has little time for parking his butt on the couch to do video games, because he understands life is precious. He's amazing, so no someone like your BF has zero Fing excuse. The things you describe him not being able to do are basic life skills my boys all had down by the time they were 9 years old.

[catfeeder]

Deep down, I feel like I know what I should do. But 8 years is a long time, and I almost feel like I have no excuse - he hasn't done anything bad or wrong. How can I explain that our relationship has just run its course?

 

You don't need to build a case, and you don't need an excuse. If you say that the relationship has run its course, that's a valid enough reason to give.

 

There is no judge and jury with your love life. You're the one who needs to live it--and you don't need a 'good enough' reason for your choices.

 

Head high, and write more if it helps.

[boltnrun]

You don't need to build a case, and you don't need an excuse. If you say that the relationship has run its course, that's a valid enough reason to give.

 

There is no judge and jury with your love life. You're the one who needs to live it--and you don't need a 'good enough' reason for your choices.

 

Head high, and write more if it helps.

 

I agree.

 

When I divorced my husband, I just told everyone we were not right for one another. And it was true.

 

I can say my life is much more satisfying now that I am not married to someone I shouldn't be married to.

[PurplePineappl]

Thank you so much everyone. I spoke to someone today about it, she has been with similar people and has been through many break ups and a divorce. We both talked about how generally, relationships change over time, the longer you're with someone. I need to decide if this is normal change or if it really has come to the end. I'm feeling like it is the end.

 

I am not going to rush into anything but I want to make sure I don't hurt him unnecessarily. I care about his feelings and although he has a lot of growing up to do, he really does have a good heart. I think he has been pampered all his life, looked after by his parents (lived at home until last year... Bad I know!) and then by me. Maybe he does need to just learn to fend for himself. So maybe it will be terrible, but better for him in the long run?

 

I've recently been thinking about meeting someone new, looking at other men in a different way. I think that's a big sign. I would never, ever, ever cheat on anyone, so I don't want to stay in this long enough to end up even being tempted to. It's not fair.

 

Thanks again. It really helps hearing other opinions, so I know I'm not just giving up too easily.

[Stay_home]

I hope I can find some advice on here as I am feeling so confused at the moment.

 

I have been in relationship for 8 years. I'm now 27. I love him, and care for him very much, but I have had some doubts for some time but only recently really acknowledged them.

 

There are lots of good things about my boyfriend. I can trust him, I know he would never hurt me, he has a very good heart and he is a lovely person. We share interests and we really enjoy each other's company, we have fun together. He also has many flaws, such as being emotionally immature, not very capable of looking after himself (cooking, holding down a steady job etc), spending too much time on his phone and computer.

 

And I suppose the main thing is that, I met him when I was 19 and I have grown a lot since then as a person. He hasn't so much.

 

After spending a week long holiday together recently I started to realise that, we really don't have much in common any more. There were lots of things about him that started to annoy me. And I feel much less attracted to him these days.

 

We only moved in together finally about 10 months ago. And I'm realising that I am getting bored of feeling like I look after him, having to tell him to clean, watching him eat terrible food because he is so fussy and won't eat my meals, driving him around, having to bail him out if he is low on money. Sometimes I feel more like a mother than a girlfriend.

 

I am wondering if it is right or fair to stay with him, especially as I've recently been imagining what my life would be like without him.

 

But when I think about actually breaking up with him I feel sick. I care about him so much, and I tell myself it's just the normal sign of a long term relationship - you'll never be madly in love forever right?

 

His family have moved away and he doesn't have many friends. I'm his life, and it's because of my independence and money that he is so settled in a nice house with everything he needs. If I leave him, i know it will absolutely kill him. It will tear his life apart. The thought of causing this pain makes me feel terrible, I'm not even sure if I could take it myself.

 

Deep down, I feel like I know what I should do. But 8 years is a long time, and I almost feel like I have no excuse - he hasn't done anything bad or wrong. How can I explain that our relationship has just run its course?

 

He is a good person. He isn't with me just because I help him out and look after him. In a way, if he was it would almost make it better. If I knew he was having doubts that our relationship was still going for right reasons, it might be easier to walk away. But I think he sees us today the same way he saw us years ago.

 

Should I leave him? How will I find the strength to do this? I'm at a crossroads in my life anyway, thinking about changing jobs and moving away. I'm not sure I could handle so much change in my life, I'm a sucker for comfort and familiarity. I've never been single for very long, I know that is in no way a reason to stay with someone, but I'll admit, I'm scared.

 

 

 

Life is all about change.

 

I know that's a very tough decision that you don't want to have to make. You've been together basically since you were teenagers, but the relationship has gone beyond it's expiration date. I'm more than certain that this is a conversation that has come up over and over and over but still nothing has changed.

 

I do feel somewhat sorry for him because he thinks that time stands still. I have a friend who is like this and he doesn't seem to realize how much he lives in the past and how immature he is at times. He tries endlessly meeting woman after woman and can't seem to understand that he's the reason these women are packing up their bags and running like hell. I've tried to explain this to him but he doesn't get it.

 

You've got to do what is best for you, sweetheart. Look after yourself. I'm not suggesting that you just pack up his sh...stuff and put him out on the street. You guys have been together too long to do him like that. But I do think once you are fed up and ready to leave, give him an opportunity to get himself together. Thirty days, sixty days. Tell him how you feel and that you're leaving and he needs to figure out what he's going to do because by then, you will be gone. In the meantime, like right now, you need to work on getting your ducks in a row so that once you leave you don't have to turn back. Start putting that money away, start looking for a new job if you have to or a new place to live. Get those things in order now because once you're ready to go, then you have yourself together, a place to live and a little bit of savings before you go.

 

Too often, women stay in relationships when they're not happy and they are limiting themselves to what else can be out there. You're 27 years old, you still have a lot of life left in you and most definitely more opportunities to date will come along. But I agree with you, yes, dating your son gets a little old after a while.

[CritterBug]

In general, my advice now is to think, "do I still love him?" Because if you do, and he isn't an ax murder, you really have no reason to stop seeing him.

 

If it keeps going like is is you will wake up one morning and have realized that you love him, but it's different then it was. And you realize that even though you love him (albeit differently) you could end the relationship while eating your morning corn flakes and not feel like you've lost much of anything.

[catfeeder]

In general, my advice now is to think, "do I still love him?" Because if you do, and he isn't an ax murder, you really have no reason to stop seeing him.

 

I disagree with this, wholeheartedly. While it's true that we can love someone, it's often maturity that recognizes when someone is best loved from far away.

 

It's natural to outgrow a relationship that was formed during our 'formative' years, and while the transition may be difficult, it's often the one move we can look back on and see as the best move we've ever made.

 

Liberation always comes with some discomfort and difficulty, but those can be small prices to pay for best outcomes.

[PurplePineappl]

Hi everyone. I don't know if I should have made a new thread or carried on with this one but anyway...

 

I decided to stick it out for a while, see if my feelings were sure. In my head, I didn't want to bring it up in case i wasn't 100% and I also felt terrible leaving him around his bday and then Christmas. His family live a few hours away and he doesn't have many friends. I thought I was doing this for him.

 

Anyway, finally plucked up the courage tonight to talk to him. And, he didn't take it well.

 

He got angry, which I understand. He was angry that i didn't speak to him sooner. That I 'pretended' all through Christmas. That I didn't give him a chance to change. He told me he didn't understand why I was sobbing my heart out if it was what I wanted. And that if I did still love him then it didn't make sense.

 

Basically, all my fears, he voiced. He asked me to explain in detail why I was doing this, what he had done wrong so that he could understand. And when I said it was past any wrong doings and that I simply didn't feel the same anymore, that the relationship had run its course, he told me he couldn't accept this as an answer.

 

He told me to look him in the eye and say I didn't love him, and I couldn't.

 

Basically, not having a reason turns out to definitely be an issue.

 

He told me that he literally has no one else, nothing else, in the whole world. That without me there's no point living.

 

And you know what? I can see that. And I'm so torn because on one hand, that isn't my fault. And that's one of the problems, I want to be with someone who wants me, not needs me. And at the same time, I do still love him. So maybe I am being unfair.

 

It made me forget all my reasons for leaving and now I'm so confused.

 

Maybe being dumped is the worst feeling in the world. But my god, having to find the strength to leave someone you love, and then being torn to pieces for it, and having to sit there and take it, is definitely the hardest thing I've ever had to do.

 

So as it stands, he is sleeping in another room but we are still together. And I don't know how I feel.

[mhowe]

When he vets up in tne morning, you reiterate that you are no longer interested in being in a relationship. Tell him he should call famy or friends, because living together at this point is simply prolonging the inevitable.

[boltnrun]

Well, you could stay with him for the rest of your life. Marry him, have several kids, then have grandkids. For the next 40-50 years you can stay with him. Just to keep from hurting him, you know.

[patterned]

I met him when I was 19 and I have grown a lot since then as a person. He hasn't so much.

 

After spending a week long holiday together recently I started to realise that, we really don't have much in common any more. There were lots of things about him that started to annoy me. And I feel much less attracted to him these days.

 

This is a very typical story. I lived this as well. People change a lot and often don't really know who they are until 27/28. You're different people now then when you've started. It seems that it's time to grow apart. I had a hard time when my relationship ended, but I'm better for it.