graham01 Posted October 28, 2015 Share Posted October 28, 2015 Hi and thank you for reading my post. I have an issue and since I do not have many friends I thought I could turn here for advice. I am seeing a man that is separated from his wife. The divorce will be final in April of 2016. Before we began dating, he was seeing another woman that he has admitted that the only reason it didn't work was because the distance was too far. Yesterday, I was using his phone to make a call and a text came in from her...just asking how he was and that she was thinking about him. When I looked, I found that they have been communicating pretty regularly. I didn't say anything at first but then it started bothering me. I asked if he was still talking to her and he said no. I told him I saw the texts and he didn't say anything. He knew that he had been caught lying. After it escalating into an argument, he finally admitted that he didn't want to tell me about her because there was nothing between them and he knew it would upset me. This is really bothering me. We have only been seeing each other a month but it's already becoming serious. I don't know what to think or if I should forgive him and move on. Please help! Any advise will be greatly appreciated!! Link to comment
missmarple Posted October 28, 2015 Share Posted October 28, 2015 He is not divorced yet + he's already lying to you = recipe for disaster and it's only been a month you've been seeing each other. I would move on. Link to comment
DoF Posted October 28, 2015 Share Posted October 28, 2015 he is MARRIED and sounds like didn't even take his time to settle last relationship NOR take his time to heal and recover after it. When coming out of a Long Term Relationship, you need at least 3-6 months to get over it. What did he do? Jumped right into another relationship. That is a sign of a "not so smart" man and should speak loud and clear about what kind of a person he is. And then you have the icying on the cake. Engaging into conversations/relationships with other females as well. I guess one can say you guys are not in the relationship, but truth is, it's a unwritten code of conduct. Once the date goes well and you are into 3-5 and there is chemstry, you stop contact with opposite sex/other dates. Again, not very smart.....and shady. And then you have the fact that he lied to you......well, at this point I would tell you that you wouldn't be very smart if you were to remain around this guy all together. I would also re evaluate yourself a bit, what made you get involved with a married man to begin with? Not very smart, I'm sorry. Link to comment
graham01 Posted October 28, 2015 Author Share Posted October 28, 2015 Thank you for the advice! Link to comment
SpottiOtti Posted October 28, 2015 Share Posted October 28, 2015 I couldn't agree more with the above two posters. Never, NEVER get involved with a person who is separated and not divorced. You just never know what the situation really is like, and when you first meet a person you aren't in a position to determine rationally if they are telling you the whole truth about it or not - you are attracted and infatuated. "Divorced" leaves little doubt for the nature of the relationship and little room to fudge and excuse dodgy behavior. A month in and you're already discovering that he fudges details and lies when it is more convenient than telling the truth - red flag city here. If you don't walk away now, whatever hurts he perpetrates on you in the future, will be on you. He's showing you who he is; pay attention. Link to comment
ParisPaulette Posted October 28, 2015 Share Posted October 28, 2015 How do you really even know they're "separated" plus yeah what the others said. He lied from the get-go to get what HE wanted, never mind any consideration for you. That alone should have you putting your walking boots on and shoving him out the door. It's a recipe for being used and lied to some more. I'm sorry, no one good does that. A truly good guy would've been upfront, maybe told you he'd hope you'd be there when or if he got free of entanglements but not to wait, and wouldn't have lied to you to get what he wanted in the first place. Time to end it and walk on. Link to comment
lostandhurt Posted October 28, 2015 Share Posted October 28, 2015 I agree with the above. This man shouldn't even be dating and you shouldn't be dating him for sure. This will end with heartbreak for you and then he will just call up this other woman and go on like nothing happened. He doesn't value you or respect you. Time to end it and move on. Lost Link to comment
Ms Darcy Posted October 28, 2015 Share Posted October 28, 2015 Not only does he not have respect for you, you don't have respect for yourself. Don't date married men. Separated is still married - and oftentimes, people lie and say they are separated so they can have some fun on the side. Leave him and married men alone. Link to comment
sargon Posted October 28, 2015 Share Posted October 28, 2015 If he had responded with a confession, and was apologetic, and remorseful, then maybe there's room for forgiveness. But all you got was anger, he was argumentative and made excuses that basically blamed you for his dishonesty. If you spend another day with this loser you're making a big mistake. Link to comment
Sportster2005 Posted October 28, 2015 Share Posted October 28, 2015 Hi and thank you for reading my post. I have an issue and since I do not have many friends I thought I could turn here for advice. I am seeing a man that is separated from his wife. The divorce will be final in April of 2016. Before we began dating, he was seeing another woman that he has admitted that the only reason it didn't work was because the distance was too far. Yesterday, I was using his phone to make a call and a text came in from her...just asking how he was and that she was thinking about him. When I looked, I found that they have been communicating pretty regularly. I didn't say anything at first but then it started bothering me. I asked if he was still talking to her and he said no. I told him I saw the texts and he didn't say anything. He knew that he had been caught lying. After it escalating into an argument, he finally admitted that he didn't want to tell me about her because there was nothing between them and he knew it would upset me. This is really bothering me. We have only been seeing each other a month but it's already becoming serious. I don't know what to think or if I should forgive him and move on. Please help! Any advise will be greatly appreciated!! So instead of just bringing up your concern you set a trap for him. How's that working out? Games. Link to comment
HeartGoesOn Posted October 28, 2015 Share Posted October 28, 2015 We have only been seeing each other a month but it's already becoming serious. I don't know what to think or if I should forgive him and move on. I'm sorry, but with him being a married man, you're not in a relationship, nor can this be called "serious." As others have said, "separated is still married." I would move on, and look for someone who is available. Link to comment
sargon Posted October 28, 2015 Share Posted October 28, 2015 I started dating when I was separated but not yet divorced. The first girlfriend I had after I moved out of my house- poor girl went through the ringer, I just wasn't ready. But over the next 3 years I settled down and had some good relationships. My divorce took 3 years to finalize, no way I was going to wait that long and there was no reason to. Not everyone who is "separated but not divorced" is a bad gamble. It's a flag, but not necessarily a red one. In this particular case of course there's a lot more going on that makes it a dealbreaker for sure. But I had to post against those who say stay away from a person who is not yet divorced. It's not that cut and dry. Link to comment
Ms Darcy Posted October 28, 2015 Share Posted October 28, 2015 I started dating when I was separated but not yet divorced. The first girlfriend I had after I moved out of my house- poor girl went through the ringer, I just wasn't ready. But over the next 3 years I settled down and had some good relationships. My divorce took 3 years to finalize, no way I was going to wait that long and there was no reason to. Not everyone who is "separated but not divorced" is a bad gamble. It's a flag, but not necessarily a red one. This contradiction is exactly the reason it's a red flag. Few people who divorce want to wait that long before they start getting opposite sex attention, affection, and sex. But I have rarely, no never, seen a man marry the chick he was seeing while going through the divorce because she ends up being a glorified transition to single hood. Link to comment
sargon Posted October 28, 2015 Share Posted October 28, 2015 This contradiction is exactly the reason it's a red flag. Few people who divorce want to wait that long before they start getting opposite sex attention, affection, and sex. But I have rarely, no never, seen a man marry the chick he was seeing while going through the divorce because she ends up being a glorified transition to single hood. Where's the contradiction in my post? The first girl I dated after I moved out was clearly a rebound, I wasn't ready. The next few were not, even though they were also during my "not yet legally divorced" period. Link to comment
ParisPaulette Posted October 28, 2015 Share Posted October 28, 2015 Ms. Darcy nailed it and yes, sargon does too. OP you re the rebound, if you won't listen to us, listen to the guy who admits his first girlfriend while he was going through a divorce was a rebound and he put her through the ringer. This is exactly what is happening with you, you are THAT girl. You are the transition girlfriend and frankly one month in, you should just be dating, things shouldn't even be "getting serious" until the divorce is final and you've been together a year. Maybe then. But what will happen instead is he'll play house with you, get his divorce and then it'll be like that Austin Powers movie where he says, "Hang on a tick, I'm SINGLE again. Yeah baby" and goes prancing off amongst the pretty women. And you will be but a distant memory. Plus the whole blaming you for his lying? Yeah, gee. Like maybe you should take that as a clue as to WHY he's getting a divorce? If the wife is still talking to him it's more likely he asked for the divorce so he could "cheat but not have it called cheating" while trying to keep her locked down and ready for when he wants to come home and stop playing around. That wouldn't normally be my suspicion, but when you find someone so ready to play the "blame others for my bad behavior" game pretty much expect the worst of them and their nature. It's seldom ever wrong. At one month in you'll get over him soon enough. Block, delete, move on. Link to comment
notalady Posted October 28, 2015 Share Posted October 28, 2015 If I get a dollar every time I hear something like "didn't want to tell me about her because there was nothing between them and he knew it would upset me." As if it is your fault that he lied (ie you could get upset so he lied). If there was nothing between them, he would have no problem telling you about her and you would not be upset. Shifting the blame, oldest trick in the book. The regular texting is a big red flag, and the fact that she said she was thinking about him. Even aside from the marital status, he's just simply shady. After only one month, definitely cut him off. Link to comment
Dottieflanogon Posted October 29, 2015 Share Posted October 29, 2015 Separated = NOT AVAILABLE They're not there emotionally. They are not ready for a relationship. Not to mention he lied ....Just cut your losses short and end it, Nothing good will come out of this Link to comment
graham01 Posted October 29, 2015 Author Share Posted October 29, 2015 Thank you to everyone who replied...it was so very helpful. Yes, I cut off everything. I knew it was the right thing to do, I just needed the reassurance! I appreciate all of your time and honesty! Link to comment
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