gyygrl Posted October 22, 2015 Share Posted October 22, 2015 Hi. So, I'm sorry if this is more of a vent than a post but I have really reached the end of my tether with my ex! Him and I work together (I know, bad mistake = lesson learned the hard way), & were friends before we got together. We have been together for a few years, during which time I was always doubtful about the relationship due to some unappealing traits and behaviours that seemed to be repeating themselves. However, my feelings were/are so strong that I persevered all this time in the hope things would improve. I moved interstate for my health but still maintained a long distance relationship despite its hardships and my doubts. I then moved back home to be with him and give it a proper go, which was a big deal for me as I loved where I was living and due to chronic health issues it was much better for both my physical and mental health....but we do these things for love. Anyway, although we were very close I often felt that he was manipulating my emotions and he would drive me bonkers by saying something, then when I raised it as an issue or question he would change his story and accuse me of always thinking the worst of him. He would get jealous if I was out with my friends (only a rare occasion & almost always with friends with kids so not exactly wild nights) & would say he didn't want to know anything about it as he didn't like the thought of guys looking at me & accused me of 'liking it' or else why else would I go out!? Since we broke up & as I work with him, if he sees me smiling and talking with another colleague he will text me to say I must be doing fine and he's glad I don't have a care in the world and am happy (all because I smiled! He What he doesn't see is me crying in my car every night before I can drive home). These are just a few examples of the things he did/does to drive me nuts, but what really made me doubt the relationship was his lack of effort to work on the relationship or even bother to do something together outside of the house. I would drive an hour from my house to stay at his, and he has a child & a complicated relationship with his ex but I took all this on too. To be honest, this is BY FAR the most stressful, frustrating, tiring and a-lot-of-hard-work-required relationship I have ever had. Despite this, my feelings for him are extremely strong and I still love him and will always care for him but at the end of the day I had to do what I thought was right for me in the long run. When I eventually realised that things just weren't going to change (I'd brought up issues numerous times but things stayed the same), I ended it. Well, then he suddenly realised that he had been coasting along and had made a big mistake by not appreciating me and the sacrifices I made. Ever since, he has been trying to get me to change my mind, won't give up, has written countless messages about how he realises he was wrong and stupid but has also become quite nasty (as he is hurt and wanting to lash out at me I guess). I have never said anything nasty to him or accused him etc. I have stayed in touch with him because I am worried about his mental state and I still have to work with him so would like to maintain a civil relationship. He has made numerous references to killing himself, says I have 'killed him', says he has no reason to live now, says I hate him, says I must think he is an awful human being, says I am a horrible person etc. I checked up on him tonight to see how he was and got a response along the lines of 'what does it matter'. He then proceeded to tell me that his love and feelings mean nothing to me; I never loved him nor had feelings for him or I would never have left him. He said I knew it would destroy him and that I obviously don't have any feelings for him as he would never do something so hurtful to me and you don't destroy someone you love. Yes, I knew it would really hurt him (and me) and that's why I have deliberated over it for over a year. I fretted and worried about whether he would kill himself if I did end things (he often threatened this). However, I believe staying with someone when you're miserable but don't want to hurt them is a really bad idea. I am just so hurt, angry and upset that after all the sacrifices I've made, how patient I've been with him throughout this whole relationship and since it ended, how many times I've told him how strong my feelings are and how much I care for him that he could turn around and say something so hurtful and untrue. I feel like my efforts and the time we've spent together meant nothing to him and was a complete waste of my time and emotions If I wanted to be in a relationship with 'just anybody' I certainly would have chosen a much less complicated one and not moved back home from interstate! Has anyone else had this type of experience where you were made to feel guilty for leaving the other person? The guilt trip hasn't stopped since I ended it 2 months ago. I am hurting too, I miss him, I am sad and devastated that yet another relationship hasn't worked and I have told him all of this but he chooses not to listen and just acts like a victim....when his actions were actually a big part of the reason the relationship failed. I was just the one who had the courage to pull the plug. Link to comment
DoF Posted October 22, 2015 Share Posted October 22, 2015 Clearly your ex is a complete idiot. You ending things is a result of HIS actions. He is probably "can never do wrong" type and can't possibly see that HE was the problem. I think what YOU are doing wrong OP is communicating with the jerk. Cut him off completely (block him/ignore him) cause honestly until you do so, your healing/recovery process will not start. Then you need good 3-6 months to heal and clear your mind and prepare for new relationship. Cut the jerk out of your life. People that go around blaming others rather than take a look in the mirror and reevaluate themselves are simply childish/immature/selfish/arrogant and IGNORANT. Link to comment
Clinton Posted October 22, 2015 Share Posted October 22, 2015 You dumped him. Were you expecting him to throw you a parade? He's grieving. He's doing a bad job of it but that's what he's doing. Cut off all contact possible and stop checking up on him. It just keeps opening the wound. He will heal in time. Link to comment
gyygrl Posted October 22, 2015 Author Share Posted October 22, 2015 Unfortunately I can't cut off all contact as I work with him (he emails me on my work email if I don't respond to his texts). I am truly worried about him and what he may do to himself so that's why I checked up on him. He accused me the other day of never checking to see how he is or check if he is alive so I thought I was doing the right thing by doing so. I don't wish to open either of our wounds by doing this but rather to just check to make sure he hasn't harmed himself. I guess this just opens up the line for more angst though and I just need to hope that he will be okay. Clinton, I certainly didn't expect him to throw a parade, no. No-one is ever happy to have someone leave them, however I don't think its fair or mature to accuse that person of never having any feelings and being an awful person. If that was the case I would have cheated on him, abused him, called him a loser or left him with no explanation and not spent days talking the whole thing through. Link to comment
kbbcoop77 Posted October 22, 2015 Share Posted October 22, 2015 agree with Clinton. You dumped him so leave him alone. My wife had an affair and dumped me, finally I told her quit contacting me. Last time she did via email I let her have it but in reality we hadn't had any contact for a couple months and I was feeling fine finally, then her stupid name popped up in my in box. Just leave him alone. Link to comment
Clinton Posted October 22, 2015 Share Posted October 22, 2015 People do and say all kinds of crap after they get dumped. Screw fair or mature, grief makes people do crazy things. You're the dumper and unfortunately this comes with the territory. Which is why cutting off all contact with the dumpee works best for everyone. If he won't take the hint, tell him you'll go to human resources and report him. Breakups are messy, cause huge amounts of resentment, and rarely are civil. Link to comment
dave_1966 Posted October 22, 2015 Share Posted October 22, 2015 'I feel like my efforts and the time we've spent together meant nothing to him and was a complete waste of my time and emotions' How do you think he feels then? You dumped him, leave him alone. Get a new job, for both your sakes. Link to comment
boltnrun Posted October 22, 2015 Share Posted October 22, 2015 Checking up on him makes him feel worse. Every time you contact him it's like you're breaking up with him again. The hurt begins fresh. Now, I think he's being immature. Does he really want you to be with him only out of guilt? But, you MUST stop communicating with him. If he uses work email to contact you about personal stuff, delete it without replying. And, next time he threatens suicide, reply only to tell him you will call the police the next time he threatens. That is standard SOP with someone who is threatening to kill themselves. It will either get him to stop playing guilt games, or it will get him the help he needs. Link to comment
gyygrl Posted October 23, 2015 Author Share Posted October 23, 2015 Actually, he was the one who had a go at me for not contacting him to show I care and check if he was doing okay and alive. I'm not hassling him by any means - I just did as he asked so kbbcoop77, unlike your ex wife who seems to keep contacting you despite asking her not to, I am trying to do as he asks. Yet when I did so he turned around and said 'what does it matter'. That's what I'm annoyed about - despite being very worried about him I wouldn't have done it if he hadn't asked me to. In fact, I am the one who keeps saying we need to cease all contact and apart from this one instance he is the one who initiates all contact and I have been 'leaving him alone'. Link to comment
gyygrl Posted October 23, 2015 Author Share Posted October 23, 2015 I know he feels awful. I don't blame him for that, but unlike him I haven't told him he never loved nor had feelings for me & I made much more effort in the relationship than he did. I gave him a lot of chances and so that's what hurts - that he could completely dismiss me moving back here for him etc. Breaking up wasn't an easy decision and I absolutely hate that I hurt him by doing so. I also hate how the person who ends a relationship because someone is treating them badly is the bad guy just because they're the dumper and won't sit there meekly putting up with someone else's crap! He knows his actions were a large part of the reason for the break up and admits he took me for granted. Of course I am not perfect and part of the reason was me too. I am leaving him alone. He is the one who texts and emails me all the time, not vice versa. He is the one who asked me to contact him to check up on him. And yes, I am the silly one for following through with this and maintaining contact but I just want to be clear that I am not contacting him constantly to check up on him - as you guys seem to think I am doing I will be leaving our workplace early next year as soon as I have the money saved - despite him saying he doesn't want me to leave and don't have to leave. Link to comment
TMifune Posted October 23, 2015 Share Posted October 23, 2015 Just because he's hurt and thinks of you as the "bad guy" doesn't mean there even is a "bad guy" let alone that it's you. Link to comment
bluekb Posted October 24, 2015 Share Posted October 24, 2015 Sometimes I wonder if my ex ever loved me. I mean, I know he did, but when your dumped it is so difficult because you are being rejected by the person you love the most. The dumped person is going to feel angry because they have no choice in what is happening. I think it's normal. I also think as time goes by, as we accept what has happened to us, we do start to see things more holistically. I've managed to keep my crazy thoughts to myself for the most part, but I know one thing, if I had spoken what I was feeling to my ex, I sure wouldn't want him to think those words were coming from a rational me, I'm "breakup crazy" and my thinking is all over the place. I would just chalk it up to the fact that he is in pain. Link to comment
DoF Posted October 24, 2015 Share Posted October 24, 2015 agree with Clinton. You dumped him so leave him alone. My wife had an affair and dumped me, finally I told her quit contacting me. Last time she did via email I let her have it but in reality we hadn't had any contact for a couple months and I was feeling fine finally, then her stupid name popped up in my in box. Just leave him alone. Should've been blocked to begin with....or simply deleted it. You didn't let her have it, you played into HER ways. Link to comment
Fudgie Posted October 24, 2015 Share Posted October 24, 2015 OP, have you ever ended a relationship before? People do/say nutty things when they are hurting. It's just what happens. People get emotional and things get crazy and yes, you will get blamed for a while by your ex because he's hurting and he wants someone to blame. As he heals, he may come to terms with things on his own and mellow out. But for both of your sakes, you must remain NC. I have ended relationships in the past. I am used to whatever insults, tears, etc. because I've had it all hurled at me. I understand it's part of grief. Don't take it personally. The only one I can't stand is "I'll kill myself if you leave" or suicide threats. I've told exes "Okay, if you make one more suicidal threat, I will call 911 and tell them you are making suicidal threats and they will bring you to the hospital against your will." Boy, that made them stop. Link to comment
ThatwasThen Posted October 24, 2015 Share Posted October 24, 2015 Actually, he was the one who had a go at me for not contacting him to show I care and check if he was doing okay and alive. You should have told him that you are no longer a couple so it's not your job to check up on him and maybe he should think about getting some professional help so that he has someone that he can talk to about getting over you. I'm not hassling him by any means - I just did as he asked so kbbcoop77, unlike your ex wife who seems to keep contacting you despite asking her not to, I am trying to do as he asks. Your justification for keeping in contact with him, and thereby keeping the wounds fresh and also giving him opportunity to verbally abuse you, isn't a good thing. Stop making excuses for keeping him mired in his obsession of you. Make it so he knows that you will not be responding to anything from him that is not work related. Yet when I did so he turned around and said 'what does it matter'. You should have completely ignored him... check that, you should not have contacted him unless you plan on getting back with him. Your contact is actually more cruel then ignoring him because every time you do... you give him even more reason to keep trying to manipulate you and guilt you which in turn keeps him from getting to the stage of indifference to you. If you're not going back (which you should not because he has mental issues that you should have no desire to be involved with) then stop being his caretaker. He should be going to his friends to vent (at least until they get sick of hearing about you from him, anyway) That's what I'm annoyed about - despite being very worried about him I wouldn't have done it if he hadn't asked me to. If he asked you to jump off a bridge, would you do it? I doubt so keep in mind that you doing what he wants is akin to you, and just as dysfunctional as you jumping off that bridge hand in hand with him. In fact, I am the one who keeps saying we need to cease all contact and apart from this one instance he is the one who initiates all contact and I have been 'leaving him alone'.No, sorry, luv but you have NOT been leaving him alone, at all. Leaving him alone would be you not talking to him, even when he contact you. if you are concerned about him doing himself harm then tell his family of your concerns and let them take care of him. It's not your job and it's actually causing him to be more depressed as you keep talking to him but don't go back to him. Be strong and ignore everything from him. If he gets stupid at work, then tell him that if he doesn't stop it, you will have no choice but to tell human resources about his harassment of you. Link to comment
gyygrl Posted October 28, 2015 Author Share Posted October 28, 2015 You should have told him that you are no longer a couple so it's not your job to check up on him and maybe he should think about getting some professional help so that he has someone that he can talk to about getting over you. I have done that numerous times. He can't understand why I refuse to come over to his house so we can comfort each other. I have explained that it's not up to two people who have just broken up to comfort one another - that's what friends and family are for. I have suggested therapy. He says he can't tell his friends or family and therapy won't fix him. But you are right - that's not my problem and I need to be strong and continue to ignore his messages. You should have completely ignored him... check that, you should not have contacted him unless you plan on getting back with him. Your contact is actually more cruel then ignoring him because every time you do... you give him even more reason to keep trying to manipulate you and guilt you which in turn keeps him from getting to the stage of indifference to you. If you're not going back (which you should not because he has mental issues that you should have no desire to be involved with) then stop being his caretaker. He should be going to his friends to vent (at least until they get sick of hearing about you from him, anyway) No, sorry, luv but you have NOT been leaving him alone, at all. Leaving him alone would be you not talking to him, even when he contact you. Previous posts had told me to leave him alone and stop checking up on him, so I was just pointing out that I don't continually check up on him nor hassle him as they were insinuating. I leave him alone in that sense, but yes, I do respond to him when he texts me as I see that as the polite thing. I find it very hard to totally ignore someone but I guess it's different when they are your ex so I will stop replying (even though I didn't reply to his messages on the weekend & he had a go at me for not at least telling him to 'f**k off'). To me, that is way more rude than ignoring him. Link to comment
gyygrl Posted October 28, 2015 Author Share Posted October 28, 2015 OP, have you ever ended a relationship before? Yes, I have ended all my relationships, however in most cases the other party have turned around and agreed with me on it being the right thing to do. However, I have never experienced this sort of continual insistence to give things another go and had the other person play the blame and guilt game so I've not been sure how to deal with it. Link to comment
boltnrun Posted October 28, 2015 Share Posted October 28, 2015 Every time you respond to him it encourages him to keep contacting you. In his mind,, you MUST love him and want him back because you keep responding!!! Link to comment
gyygrl Posted October 28, 2015 Author Share Posted October 28, 2015 In his mind,, you MUST love him and want him back because you keep responding!!! I do still love him (despite all the drama) but I haven't told him that!! My messages are very neutral and I never indicate that I am thinking about getting back together. He has asked me numerous times if there's even a tiny chance and I keep saying no so I thought that would be enough to stop him thinking that. Apparently not. It's sad that despite my strong feelings and love I had to end it based on all the problems. Love is definitely not all you need. Link to comment
ThatwasThen Posted October 29, 2015 Share Posted October 29, 2015 Telling him to F-off tells him that he still has some control over your emotional response. Just ignore him if you're not strong enough to block and delete him. Link to comment
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