overthemoon86 Posted October 20, 2015 Share Posted October 20, 2015 Also...a little side note....my boyfriend and are about 10 years older than you and he still plays video games It's all about balance! Link to comment
Mari Posted October 20, 2015 Share Posted October 20, 2015 Will he not change over time? Ok, I think you may be making this out to be a bigger deal than it actually is. Do you have hobbies? Is there any time during your hobby that you need a block of time blocked out for just that hobby? Like watching a live sports game or going skiing, or playing a basketball game? There are going to be hobbies that people have, where they need an hour or two to themselves that they can't spend on taking calls. If they're doing that and you're choosing not to partake of that hobby then you can't really call them and expect to get a response. So, there's nothing stopping you from joining his game. Go over there and play with him too if you wish. Now if he's doing his hobby 8 hours a day every day and doesn't have time for you then it's a problem. But if you date others that aren't gamers then you may still have a problem with the fact that guy goes out with friends or is out enjoying a sport, he's not going to be able to respond to you during that time and you're going to freak out and start comparing the importance of that hobby to your worth. Generally speaking, they shouldn't be compared. If he's at a theater watching a movie and you feel hurt that you couldn't talk to him, it's ok, he's enjoying that hobby, let him. If he's sleeping or taking his time eating and you're calling and comparing your self worth to whether he really needs to eat or sleep it's going to start being a problem. Bottom line, if he's out 8 hours and can't be contacted every day then he needs to fix it. If you know he needs a block of time and it's ok with you and uses that block of time but you can't handle it then you need to fix it. Link to comment
itsallgrand Posted October 20, 2015 Share Posted October 20, 2015 He may be obsessing over his xbox, but you are obsessing over your boyfriend. That isn't healthy. What about your life, sports, pursuits, friends, having fun?? I don't think finding an older or more mature guy is your answer. I think obsessiveness and lack of a fun life outside of dating is unattractive at any age and to the majority of people. And those who are attracted to it, you don't want. Those are the users, abusers, losers, who are looking to find someone they can feel like they hold their hearts and lives in their little hands. YOu need perspective. Obsessing about a boy is pretty normal for a teenager, but you need to shake yourself out of it. That's what friends are for.!! Speaking of, are you even friends with your boyfriend? Do you share any interests? Do anything together? Have fun? Do you even like gaming? Instead of looking for someone 'more mature', how about just go have fun and keep your eye out for anyone that you happen to really enjoy time with. That's how it starts. Someone you can do things with, and you don't have to force them to spend time or reply to you, because they just are interested in other things. He isn't immature for wanting to hang with his friends and play games now. This is the time to do it. Link to comment
Hermes Posted October 20, 2015 Share Posted October 20, 2015 Saluk. I am not suggesting she date a man of 40. But equally not a child of 17. As an aside, when I was just nineteen I dated a man of 34. Link to comment
mhowe Posted October 20, 2015 Share Posted October 20, 2015 Then again, managing her expectations of her peer group would also be a valid response. Link to comment
Birdie Posted October 20, 2015 Share Posted October 20, 2015 Why do you need to be in constant conversation throughout the night? You said you guys spoke after school....so why shouldn't he be able to have time to himself to play a game with friends? Needing to constantly be in contact isn't healthy...what can there even be for you to keep talking about? Are all these conversations texting? Personally I hate being attached to my phone and would much prefer a shorter phone call vs responding to messages all night. Lastly, are you even happy? This relationship just seems so stressful to you. Are you ok with the thought of being alone? Link to comment
Capricorn3 Posted October 20, 2015 Share Posted October 20, 2015 Fact: He is 17...that's it That says it all. He's doing what is normal for a teenager and so should you. OP, you are way way too intense, over analyze, and overthink every little thing. It must be exhausting being so serious all the time. While he's playing games you need to go out and do your own thing - join a gym, go jogging, cycle, go to movies with your friends etc etc. That said, I think it would be a very good idea to seek professional counseling/therapy to help you with your severe anxiety and other issues. Link to comment
Butterflyxx Posted October 21, 2015 Author Share Posted October 21, 2015 Thank you all for your responses, I have realised now that I do need to get a life of my own and stop obsessing, overanalysing every situation with my boyfriend as it's unhealthy and it's a complete waste of time. Rather than him being the immature one I believe it is myself for the fact that I thought we had to communicate constantly when in fact it does feel good to not talk to him constantly and to do my own thing and I bet my boyfriend feels the exact same way. He goes on xbox a lot of the time and when he's doing so he doesn't stop messaging me for 8 hours or so, (apart from last night but I understood him and his friends were just busy and he messaged me later that night), but I understand now he's just a teenager and he's obviously going to be into gaming and socialising with his mates and I need to allow him to do that, instead of messaging him tonnes. The reason why I would feel anxious if we didn't speak on a night was because at school I don't see him much, we'd only get the chance to say hi to one another and give a quick kiss and I see him for 4 or so hours on the weekend so I wanted to use the time after school to communicate with him and if he was busy I'd get anxious that we wouldn't speak hardly and he'd lose interest. Link to comment
Capricorn3 Posted October 21, 2015 Share Posted October 21, 2015 Have you always been this anxious even before you met him? Or only since you have been with him? Link to comment
Butterflyxx Posted October 21, 2015 Author Share Posted October 21, 2015 This is my first boyfriend so I've never had experience with any other guy, but in general the only thing I have anxiety about is my boyfriend, I don't have it about friend or school etc. Link to comment
Mari Posted October 21, 2015 Share Posted October 21, 2015 ... The reason why I would feel anxious if we didn't speak on a night was because at school I don't see him much, we'd only get the chance to say hi to one another and give a quick kiss and I see him for 4 or so hours on the weekend so I wanted to use the time after school to communicate with him and if he was busy I'd get anxious that we wouldn't speak hardly and he'd lose interest. That right there is the problem. Your couple time can't just be a hello during the day and 4 hours during the weekend. If you're 17-18 then there is an issue where his friends can come over and spend way more time with him then you can. Your time as a couple should generally be more than the time with any specific friend. Sure if you have a ton of friends then their total time can be more but you know, maybe spend like an hour or so during the week after school and then some more time during the weekend. Link to comment
saluk Posted October 21, 2015 Share Posted October 21, 2015 Thank you all for your responses, I have realised now that I do need to get a life of my own and stop obsessing, overanalysing every situation with my boyfriend as it's unhealthy and it's a complete waste of time. Rather than him being the immature one Oh, no doubt he is also immature! Mari is probably right, 4 hours on weekends + texting probably isn't enough time to sustain a relationship very long. Can you not have one day a week that you hang out after school or spend a bit more time on the weekends? Or have one day where you go to lunch together instead of spending it with your respective friends; or your two groups of friends could hang out with each other at lunch. If not, he probably isn't a good fit. Link to comment
overthemoon86 Posted October 21, 2015 Share Posted October 21, 2015 I don't think this guy is the right match for you, he is not giving you the time you need (in person that is) and it is leading you to over communicate through phone. It is also making you really anxious which is not healthy. So I think it's time to make a decision on this. Link to comment
Butterflyxx Posted October 21, 2015 Author Share Posted October 21, 2015 I ask him to walk home with me after school as we walk the same way and he sometimes does but he often seems reluctant to because when we do walk home he walks me home too and I feel like sometimes he doesn't want to do that, and when we do walk I ensure I walk slower than usual to spend more time with him. In the week I usually see him for a few seconds to a few minutes if I'm lucky, and on the occasion I walk home with him (but I feel bad for asking because I know deep down he probably wouldn't want to, at least as often as I do), and then I see him for a few hours (4) on the weekend and we communicate after school on Facebook. I get anxious and annoyed at him on Facebook when he's online and he doesn't reply so that makes me message him loads as I get anxious and get scared that he doesn't want to talk to me, or wants to talk to his mates more than me. At school he's often with his mates so I stay with my friends and he stays with his, plus none of his friends have girlfriend so they find me annoying if I want to spend more time with him. When I ask him about it he says 'I can't do any more than I'm doing' and it makes me feel unreasonable and clingy that I want to spend more time with him. Link to comment
mhowe Posted October 21, 2015 Share Posted October 21, 2015 His free time does not belong to you and you alone. He is messaging others. Again, what is all that is holy do you guys have to talk about? How was your day? Did you get the math assignments? What are you watching? Link to comment
boltnrun Posted October 21, 2015 Share Posted October 21, 2015 Do you understand that messaging him "loads" drives him away? It shows you have no life other than him. Plus it's annoying when you're trying to do something and you keep getting messages. If he's willing to compromise (say, you two spend Wednesday afternoons together for a couple of hours) plus weekends, would that be better? And please, find an outlet for your anxiety other than messaging him "loads". I presume you have friends you can talk to. Link to comment
Butterflyxx Posted October 21, 2015 Author Share Posted October 21, 2015 Not just that,we talk about many different things. Link to comment
Butterflyxx Posted October 21, 2015 Author Share Posted October 21, 2015 He's not willing to compromise, I don't think he understands that I want to see him more than I do, as his life basically revolves around his friends and Xbox. I try talking to my friends about it but they get annoyed when I say the same things week after week Link to comment
mhowe Posted October 21, 2015 Share Posted October 21, 2015 Honey, you want to talk about everything and he wants to be a teenager. He isn't wrong...and you are just trying to make a teen romance into a full fledged relationship. Link to comment
mhowe Posted October 21, 2015 Share Posted October 21, 2015 He's not willing to compromise, I don't think he understands that I want to see him more than I do, as his life basically revolves around his friends and Xbox. I try talking to my friends about it but they get annoyed when I say the same things week after week When people say "talk to your friends", they don't mean about him. You really need to get a life. Link to comment
boltnrun Posted October 21, 2015 Share Posted October 21, 2015 He's not willing to compromise, I don't think he understands that I want to see him more than I do, as his life basically revolves around his friends and Xbox. I try talking to my friends about it but they get annoyed when I say the same things week after week Um, then talk about something else? You are completely obsessed with this boy. What else do you have going on in your life other than sitting at a computer waiting for him to respond to your umpteen messages? Do you play a sport or a musical instrument, are you active in a club, do you do volunteer work, do you take any classes just for fun? Link to comment
Butterflyxx Posted October 21, 2015 Author Share Posted October 21, 2015 I don't do anything at all Link to comment
boltnrun Posted October 21, 2015 Share Posted October 21, 2015 I don't do anything at all And therein lies your problem. Why don't you do anything? Link to comment
mhowe Posted October 21, 2015 Share Posted October 21, 2015 I don't do anything at all And that is the root problem! He is being a regular teenage boy, with video games and school and friends and a gf. And you are making him your sole focus outside of sleeping and eating. Link to comment
Butterflyxx Posted October 21, 2015 Author Share Posted October 21, 2015 There's just not anything that interests me Link to comment
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