Is this guy a player? I'm having mixed feelings about this.

[FrozenMoon]

Alright so there's this guy (I'll call him Mike for easy reference) who I met like 2, 3 years ago. We've been good friends since then, and I actually began developing a crush on him after a while. He did too, I just didn't know at that time. We never really talked about it, although there were signs.

Then there was a period of 6~8 months in which we didn't see each other. When we did meet again, Mike had a girlfriend. It hurt, but I decided to let him go. His relationship didn't last very long, though -- but after his relationship was over, I had a boyfriend myself. Now THAT ended some weeks ago, too.. And now after so long we were finally able to actually admit our feelings to each other.

And as things are now, Mike and I are about to enter a relationship..

Except I'm not sure if it's a good idea.

 

He's a great guy, and there's this voice in my head that tells me I can trust him -- but at the same time, I fear he's gonna turn out to be a player or cheater. Why? Because I think I'm recognising red flags, but I'm not sure.

 

> First of all, Mike flirts. For jokes/fun. That's just kind of his thing. He flirts with everyone, LITERALLY everyone, no exceptions. Guys, girls, whatever. (He's straight, just for the record.) Now I guess that's just part of his personality, but it still makes me worry. What if he continues doing so in the relationship? And what if the people he flirts with actually.. y'know, take the flirting seriously?

> Secondly, he's been in 'temporary' relationships with another girl recently. (Meaning they are not officially in a relationship but just mess around now and then.) They both say it's not serious and just for fun, and Mike actually already told her about me, telling her that their 'temporary relationships' will be over as soon as Mike and I start something. Because he claims that if he and I start a relationship, that WILL be serious. I'm still feeling wary about this though.

> Our communication is inconsistent. I know this is another red flag, and I'm worried. Now it's true that he doesn't check his phone that often, but it still feels like I have to initiate conversations on Whatsapp all the time -- and in real life, too, he's busy. (Although he's always willing to explain why he is, if I ask him about it.)

 

So that's what makes me think "no, this is a bad idea, I'm not going to enter a relationship with him." But there's also another side to the story:

> He's the one who seems most eager to get into a relationship and actually make it public. I told him I was worried about the whole flirting-with-everyone thing, and even said that it was my fault for just being jealous way too easily -- but he replied saying that it was NOT my fault, and that he will tone it down and tell others that he's claimed.

> He invites me over to his parties, to his home, and to events he goes to. He's more than happy to have me around in public, and already openly displays affection now and then. Then again, that worried voice in the back of my mind tells me he could just do the same with any other girl.

> As I mentioned earlier, our communication is inconsistent. He however said that if I wanted more communication, we could talk on Skype daily or every other day. So he did actually offer a solution.

 

And there are more points for both sides, but then my post would become way too long. These are the six things that make me most confused and unable to make a decision. So what do you guys think -- is Mike a player? Should I be cautious if we enter a relationship, or should I not enter one at all?

[DoF]

Alright so there's this guy (I'll call him Mike for easy reference) who I met like 2, 3 years ago. We've been good friends since then, and I actually began developing a crush on him after a while. He did too, I just didn't know at that time. We never really talked about it, although there were signs.

 

You were not "good friends", actually quite opposite. You were NOT friends at all. And if you were friends, you were BAD friends.

 

Friendship cannot be based on attraction. Friends don't hide feelings from friends or have deeper agendas etc.

 

Now you see why I don't believe in male/female friendships....

 

Then there was a period of 6~8 months in which we didn't see each other. When we did meet again, Mike had a girlfriend. It hurt, but I decided to let him go. His relationship didn't last very long, though -- but after his relationship was over, I had a boyfriend myself. Now THAT ended some weeks ago, too.. And now after so long we were finally able to actually admit our feelings to each other.

And as things are now, Mike and I are about to enter a relationship..

Except I'm not sure if it's a good idea.

 

He's a great guy, and there's this voice in my head that tells me I can trust him -- but at the same time, I fear he's gonna turn out to be a player or cheater. Why? Because I think I'm recognising red flags, but I'm not sure.

 

> First of all, Mike flirts. For jokes/fun. That's just kind of his thing. He flirts with everyone, LITERALLY everyone, no exceptions. Guys, girls, whatever. (He's straight, just for the record.) Now I guess that's just part of his personality, but it still makes me worry. What if he continues doing so in the relationship? And what if the people he flirts with actually.. y'know, take the flirting seriously?

> Secondly, he's been in 'temporary' relationships with another girl recently. (Meaning they are not officially in a relationship but just mess around now and then.) They both say it's not serious and just for fun, and Mike actually already told her about me, telling her that their 'temporary relationships' will be over as soon as Mike and I start something. Because he claims that if he and I start a relationship, that WILL be serious. I'm still feeling wary about this though.

> Our communication is inconsistent. I know this is another red flag, and I'm worried. Now it's true that he doesn't check his phone that often, but it still feels like I have to initiate conversations on Whatsapp all the time -- and in real life, too, he's busy. (Although he's always willing to explain why he is, if I ask him about it.)

 

So that's what makes me think "no, this is a bad idea, I'm not going to enter a relationship with him." But there's also another side to the story:

> He's the one who seems most eager to get into a relationship and actually make it public. I told him I was worried about the whole flirting-with-everyone thing, and even said that it was my fault for just being jealous way too easily -- but he replied saying that it was NOT my fault, and that he will tone it down and tell others that he's claimed.

> He invites me over to his parties, to his home, and to events he goes to. He's more than happy to have me around in public, and already openly displays affection now and then. Then again, that worried voice in the back of my mind tells me he could just do the same with any other girl.

> As I mentioned earlier, our communication is inconsistent. He however said that if I wanted more communication, we could talk on Skype daily or every other day. So he did actually offer a solution.

 

And there are more points for both sides, but then my post would become way too long. These are the six things that make me most confused and unable to make a decision. So what do you guys think -- is Mike a player? Should I be cautious if we enter a relationship, or should I not enter one at all?

 

 

You should simply get to know him without "relationship".

 

His "no time involvement' is an excuse, sorry. If a guy likes you he will MAKE TIME and do whatever it takes to be with you/around you.

 

Keep "internet"/chat/text communication to a MINIMUM. Watch the time IN PERSON only.

 

You don't have to be in a relationship to get to know him more before you make it official.

 

But honestly, I would keep distance from this guy. What is his relationship history? Any long term relationships?

 

History is THE BEST indicator of the future!!!

[Andrina]

My opinion is that you not enter a relationship with him. Some people are flirtatious by nature. You should choose someone who you DON'T want to change. He has the right to be who he is, and he will eventually resent you for reining him in. You're not comfortable with a flirty guy, so choose someone who doesn't do this.

 

He's interested in you and yet having sex with another girl until the magic words of commitment are said? Wow! You would really want to date someone with these sorts of ethics and mindset? And what's the longest relationship he's ever had? Past behavior predicts future behavior. If it's 4 months, you can expect the same.

 

You're not happy with the amount of communication. He says he'll improve, but again, you don't match in how often you want to get together or communicate.

 

Chemistry is only one of the things people look for in a relationship. You have that, but nothing else is there. There are thousands of people in the world you can have chemistry with. Find one who also matches you in every important way. You're already frustrated and anxious and this relationship hasn't even begun. Move on!

[FrozenMoon]

Thank you both for your replies,

 

@DoF

Well, he's had 2 serious relationships before. They actually went well for what I know, and there is no indication of him ever having cheated in his personal relationship history, although he was still slightly flirty with other people. I know that in one of his serious relationships, the problem was distance and they just kinda grew apart with time. I don't know about the other one.

I was thinking the same about him not making enough time.. Maybe that on its own is already enough reason to say no.

 

@Andrina

He wasn't actually having sex -- just kissing is all. It was pretty innocent. My bad, I should've included that in my original post.

Anyway, I think you're right about the fact our mindsets just don't match. Whenever I explain my point of view he says he'll adjust, but now that you mention it, that indeed is trying to change someone.. Which shouldn't be necessary.

His longest relationship as I know it didn't last a year, although we're both still pretty young (18) so I don't know if that's usual or not. I believe it was about 6 or 7 months maximum.

[Hollyj]

The lack of communication and sex with the other girl are the parts that I see as a red flag.

 

If he were serious about you, he would not continue to be with the other girl.

 

He should want to communicate with you on a regular basis. Why are you doing all of the instigating? Not good!!!

[HeartGoesOn]

I'm confused as to why you're talking about "entering a relationship" when you haven't (I assume) dated as of yet?

[ParisPaulette]

You need to listen to your inner voice. And just for the record, what is his history with other women and relationships? That will likely be more your answer. Plus yeah, what's with talking about starting a relationship if he hasn't even taken you on any dates? Why the mad rush suddenly to be in a "relationship" when he wont' even take you out? I know you say you go places together, but that sounds like hanging out which is NOT dating.

 

Another thing to keep in mind is it's all good and fine for him to swear he'll tone down the flirting, but did he when he had a girlfriend? If this is part of his personality then sooner or later that will come out again, because it's simply who he is. And how are you going to be okay with that? Bottom line, in the rush of new love this is not a problem, three years down the road when you're yelling at him for flirting with the waitress AGAIN and he's yelling back he can't help it and wasn't it will be a massive, giant, red flag problem of epic incompatible proportions.

 

More than how others take his flirting is how are his boundaries with the opposite sex or hell even his own sex. When he flirts and someone responds does he keep upping the ante or does he shut them down? You need to put your crush to the side for a moment and honestly look at who Mike is, how he treats women and always has from the waitress to girlfriends, and then do the same yourself. No "Oh I wish" or "I can work on that" but who really are each of you and are you fully 100 percent compatible out of the gate or not.

 

BTW players are the absolute best of the best and chasing you down, insisting they want a relationship with you and only you, and will change for you. That's pretty much their MO from the get-go, making you feel more special than anyone else. And many players have one serious relationship and then everyone else is a side dish, they just like variety and will claim and maybe even believe they do love you. It's just they also need other attention outside of a relationship for whatever reason. Is Mike one of those?

[SpottiOtti]

I don't know that he's necessarily a "player" per se, but from what you wrote, you two are incompatible. As another poster said, if you are bothered by his flirtiness, don't assume that him "toning it down" will look like anything you'd be comfortable with. It is who he is - imagine trying to change something about your nature that was fundamental and you'll have an idea of what the success rate will be with that.

 

I think your gut is screaming at you for a reason. I don't think there is enough evidence to say if he'd cheat or if he'd lose interest after a couple months or whatever - but I can see problems ahead for you two, and that's probably what your gut is telling you. Why enter into a relationship with someone who you can already see problems with and fundamental incompatibility?

 

I also think it's weird that he wants to go from 0 to full-blown relationship. Shouldn't you two try going on a few proper dates first, take it a bit slowly? I have learned over the years that when a guy wants instant relationship/commitment, it typically means he is emotionally immature and can't handle it when the relationship is less than perfect and requires compromise of any sort.

[Batya33]

I think it's kind of tacky that he is having sex with a woman just as a placeholder until the two of you start dating. He is that interested in something serious with you but is able to keep having intercourse with another woman? Are you comfortable with that kind of outlook/value about sex?

 

As far as being a flirt -that is who he is -accept it or otherwise.

[SooSad33]

"he's been in 'temporary' relationships with another girl recently. (Meaning they are not officially in a relationship but just mess around now and then.) They both say it's not serious and just for fun, and Mike actually already told her about me, telling her that their 'temporary relationships' will be over as soon as Mike and I start something. Because he claims that if he and I start a relationship, that WILL be serious"

- Seriously??

I'd expect that THEY be long done BEFORE you even think of attempting anything with him. Geeze, it's like a game for him, is how I see this.

 

And if this flirting bother's you, then you best re-think things because I dont think he's going to stop anytime soon, for you. Sounds like that's just how he is.

 

IF you were to date him.. there's plenty of ways to interact. I dont feel skype, whatassp, etc is always necessary. Especially if you also text.

A couple does need to interact, but I feel the best ways are live and some actual true voice (phone), now n then.

[Capricorn3]

Under review.