Looking for housing

[Jetta]

My mom is like, stay here a while. I have 2 job prospects, granted both are longer temp assignments, but still I want to avoid the pattern of the past. I like the company for sure, but I really don't like most of my stuff in storage. I found two 1 bedroom places in a price range I can reasonably afford. One has a loft space, less expensive, but a little further from prospective jobs; the other one is a small home closer than I am now to prospective jobs, flexible rental situation, and more accommodating with my current credit issue. I e-mailed them both, figure I check them out to see if they would work for me, my stuff, and my daughter's visits. I know she'd share a bed with me if I'd let her, but that won't last forever either.

 

It really scares me to live alone. I'm really an introverted person, not a huge social life, and well that is a big fear for me. Yet my mom has her fiancé and doesn't really need her middle age daughter hanging around, though they both say they're ok with it, come on, get real.

[Ms Darcy]

Are you seeking advice?

[Jetta]

Yes, how to overcome this fear? It's really huge, and last time I lived alone I had a break down.

[Seraphim]

How to reduce that fear is to consider finding a place that will suit your daughter.

[Jetta]

The small home says it's in a great area for socializing, also 1000 sq ft, I'll know after I see it if it'll allow her space of her own (my goal). I really have no intention of sharing a bed with her, just a joke. But 2 bedrooms are much more expensive, so I have to find alternatives. The loft place is a longer drive, but also a lot less $$, so that may be more practical. It's a smallish town so I may discover things to do.

[annie24]

It might be easier to do the cheaper place then save up. Are you still in therapy/on meds?

[Jetta]

Neither. There's a waitlist now, and I haven't even added my name. I switched medical to cheaper and can't figure out their system either. Called a few times, but it's a referral mess because I haven't been seen their doctors. Open enrollment now, I should look into my old plan see if I could manage it.

[annie24]

I think that getting back on therapy and meds will really help you out, particularly because you are going through a big transition in your life and those are the hardest times. I don't want you to have another breakdown.

[abitbroken]

You just moved back in with mom over the past few weeks. If your jobs are contract, stay just a little while. Get your bearings, go through the divorce, spend time with your daughter and save some money. Also, when the divorce is final and you are separated financial from your husband, you will have a better go of it. You will be able to get better places. And you can take time to find a more permament job or take some training for the next few months, too.

 

There are going to be highs and lows during the divorce process and it is a really good idea to have others around so when you are really low, you don't have to worry about some logistical things, and also for accountability - you won't be as tempted to call him for whatever reason and you won't jump in with someone else either.

 

I went through a similar situation as in I was back with parents during a divorce from an abusive marriage. I am glad that I stayed for awhile. I was able to focus on getting into support groups and therapy and was stronger for it. Why not take moving out of your head - don't even think about it until after the holidays. That's what I would do, if I were you. I was with my family for the holidays that first year and it did really help, in retrospect.

 

I made the choice to use that time to heal, and to start over, not just to touch down for a brief second, then run like crazy. I think you will have a new appreciation for your mom now that you understand she was truly looking out for you and not resisting you to resist you on the subejct of your soon to be ex and the relationship can evolve, too.

[Jetta]

Yeah you make sense. She's planning her wedding and stuff too now. April is the big day. She says she's glad to have me back. I know it was hard on everyone, I tried to relay that message to him, fell on deaf ears. I guess I'll slow down.

 

I found better insurance to get for next year. The one he put me on sucked, I had it automatically take out and that is the only reason I had any coverage. He fought against that and that was the first year I ever did the auto payment way. Always was covered, made my payments than I let him in my life, knew I couldn't trust him so checked the deduct it box. I'm ashamed of myself really, for giving him so much influence on my cards, bank accounts, etc.

 

I really need this divorce finalized.

[abitbroken]

Yeah you make sense. She's planning her wedding and stuff too now. April is the big day. She says she's glad to have me back. I know it was hard on everyone, I tried to relay that message to him, fell on deaf ears. I guess I'll slow down.

 

I found better insurance to get for next year. The one he put me on sucked, I had it automatically take out and that is the only reason I had any coverage. He fought against that and that was the first year I ever did the auto payment way. Always was covered, made my payments than I let him in my life, knew I couldn't trust him so checked the deduct it box. I'm ashamed of myself really, for giving him so much influence on my cards, bank accounts, etc.

 

I really need this divorce finalized.

 

In a good marriage - sure, you may have a credit card that is just yours, but that is what you do - spouses usually have access to accounts. I think you did it because you WANTED it to work, so you convinced yourself it was by giving things and having things that are the outer signs of a trustful marriage, but he was not worthy of it - so many red flags. It was like saying "here, I am a good loyal wife, now you be a good loyal husband in return...please."

 

I think that you should let the divorce take the time it takes. I know "you really need for it to happen." But there is some paperwork or time that doesn't happen quickly. Talk to a lawyer about making sure you have separate maintenance, but during the waiting period, focus only on your self improvement - counseling for abuse survivors, support groups, personal therapy, figuring out what courses you can take to give you a more stable employment future, etc. The divorce will happen when the legal time frame for it is - it doesn't seem to always happen as quick as one wants. And on the other side of it - you will have done all that good work for yourself.

[Fudgie]

I agree with abitbroken. Give yourself some time to land a job that has some permanence, save up some $$, get that divorced finalized, etc. I know it's uncomfortable living with other people (trust me, I get it, 50% of my income goes just to rent, because I hate living with roommates THAT much!!) but you're in a really precarious position right now. Just play it safe for now.

[catfeeder]

I would quit the habit of bucking Mom's advice as a kneejerk reaction.

 

She's offering you a place to get yourself together, so I'd stop rushing into housing that keeps you feeling vulnerable financially and otherwise--which continually keeps you vulnerable to predators.

 

Stop the cycle.

 

Focus on learning how to relax instead of allowing your anxiety to keep you so edgy that you make poor choices in response to it.

 

I'd pipe down, dig in, find work and learn how to settle the hell down and get right with yourself before making any more decisions, financial or otherwise.

 

Serenity and peace cannot find a moving target.

[lostandhurt]

^^^^ Well said

 

There is no rush to do anything but get your life sorted out and what better way than with some safety and security of your moms place. Save every dime you make, focus on your daughter and your well being.

 

Starting a new future while digging yourself out of the past is not a good idea. One thing at a time Jetta

 

Lost

[Jetta]

I have a plan now. Finalize divorce first, bankruptcy follows divorce. I'll plan a move around Feb/Mar. Not as cold during that time, before wedding and after holidays. Maybe I can get into affordable housing so my work won't be as much of an issue. Just have to smooth out the details and start my housing apps.

[abitbroken]

I have a plan now. Finalize divorce first, bankruptcy follows divorce. I'll plan a move around Feb/Mar. Not as cold during that time, before wedding and after holidays. Maybe I can get into affordable housing so my work won't be as much of an issue. Just have to smooth out the details and start my housing apps.

 

What is missing from this plan is support groups, counseling, etc. I went to a minimum of a counseling session and two support groups every week, and then reduced it sharply. I had counseling so many weeks provided by a women's shelter/abuse hotline, and then after awhile, i went to one support group regularly and just dropped in at another until a certain point, and then just "checked in" once in awhile in one.

 

I wouldn't plan any deadline right now - take it day by day. I would also focus on doing this once and for good - meaning if you can't get a permanent job (or something that is a several year project), you figure out what skills you need to get to that level, do you want to be in a positon to have your daughter more? then figure out how to make that happen. Maybe it will take several phases to move out to a roommate situation after mom marries, if new hubby is moving in before you get your own place. You want to make it so you don't have to worry so much day to day going forward.

 

So don't think about moving or even thinking about looking yet - if it turns out in January that February seems right, then go for it, but it might not be when January rolls around.

 

I stayed with my parents for about 2 years. I am not saying you have to, but at the end of that period, I was good to go - I don't need them bailing me out and can set my own course and am not so much living on a string like I was. I was married longer than you, so there were different aspects and I lost more of my life in some ways.

 

I wold also focus on ways you can make new, healthy friends - meetup groups that have nothing to do with support, divorce, etc. Something interesting. You want to bullet proof yourself from being tempted towards dating a guy because you are lonely.

[Jetta]

Did the health stuff, just didn't note it. This is my 3rd divorce, the 2nd was the quickest and emotionally challenging, we were together 8 years. I spent my 30's single mostly developing myself. I was conned and that's that.

[thejigsup]

Learn to be happily single. You seem to have a problem with that and that has caused many of your problems. Just take a couple of years to get your life together and make a good future for yourself and your daughter.

[Heather Dawn]

Did the health stuff, just didn't note it. This is my 3rd divorce, the 2nd was the quickest and emotionally challenging, we were together 8 years. I spent my 30's single mostly developing myself. I was conned and that's that.

 

That's because your judgment is so skewed. And that's why you need to keep working on your metal health before tackling new challenges, or you're doomed to repeat your mistakes. There's no reason for you to rush back out of your mom's home when you don't even have a job to support yourself.

[Jetta]

There is a reason to get out of moms house. I got a great example of that yesterday. I'm going to ask for a social worker who can help me navigate things.

[catfeeder]

There is a reason to get out of moms house. I got a great example of that yesterday. I'm going to ask for a social worker who can help me navigate things.

 

Focus on learning how to relax instead of allowing your anxiety to keep you so edgy that you make poor choices in response to it.

[Jetta]

Went to county housing authority today. They recommend subsidized, and gave me a list. I left messages with 2 places so far. Have a meeting Wednesday morning with intake.