IAmFCA Posted October 20, 2015 Share Posted October 20, 2015 I have become aware of an alleged sexual assault within a high school community. From a legal perspective, maybe it happened, maybe it didn't. If it did, it was off campus and has nothing to do with the school. From a social perspective, it happened. The classmates are aware and the gals shun the guy while the guys retain their friendships and jovial manner. I am sworn to secrecy. Which is to say, I don't know anything anyway, but I do have a representation of how the kids interpret the same story. I am wanting to talk to the school administrative team, to ask them to work to close the gender gap, to envision and achieve a new culture wherein both genders find assault a disgusting breach of ______ so many things. Looking for insight. Does anyone have suggestions, resources, experience that might help me be more effective? Link to comment
Capricorn3 Posted October 20, 2015 Share Posted October 20, 2015 Are you in any way connected to the school itself? Or just a random outsider? Link to comment
IAmFCA Posted October 20, 2015 Author Share Posted October 20, 2015 Are you in any way connected to the school itself? Or just a random outsider? I am a parent of a student. Not related to the alleged incident itself. Link to comment
annie24 Posted October 20, 2015 Share Posted October 20, 2015 I feel like the police should be informed, not school administrators, because this was a criminal act. It's very difficult. Can you reach out to the parent of the student who was assaulted? PS - I see that you said you have been sworn to secrecy.... I do hope something can be done though.... Link to comment
IAmFCA Posted October 20, 2015 Author Share Posted October 20, 2015 I feel like the police should be informed, not school administrators, because this was a criminal act. It's very difficult. Can you reach out to the parent of the student who was assaulted? PS - I see that you said you have been sworn to secrecy.... I do hope something can be done though.... Yes, my first thoughts went to police... however, I don't know the identity of the assaulted. I know the teen boy and his parents. My teen is protecting her privacy and made me swear not to talk to other parents. I have encouraged my teen to use her voice through channels available to her and I think she might do that. I wonder if I could encourage the school to let a police officer make a presentation. It sends me that the guys find this acceptable, that they don't shun their friend. Nobody disputes the basic facts. Link to comment
alli Posted October 20, 2015 Share Posted October 20, 2015 I have no experience in this area, but I watched a documentary about the experiences of some women on college campuses and the colleges' actions (or more accurate, inactions) after the rapes occurred. It might be good to remind the school of their obligations under Title IX to protect the victims, punish the perpetrators and make the statistics regarding rape occurrences known. You could ask around at other high schools and colleges what training programs they use and if they feel they have had success in reducing the incidences of sexual violence. In my opinion, providing a strong reporting mechanism where victims will be supported and not blamed, as well as mandatory training for all students which clarifies what exactly constitutes rape and punishment that aligns with the magnitude of the crime is one of the best ways to reduce sexual violence. I read an article just today in which a study found that roughly 30% of men surveyed said they would use force to have sex with a woman if they knew they wouldn't get in trouble. When the word "rape" was used, 13% of men surveyed said they would rape a woman if they knew they wouldn't get caught. It is interesting that the concept of "rape" is elusive to so many people. While the percentage of men that said they would do it dropped quite a bit when it was clear they were talking about rape, I still find that ridiculously high. More than 1 in 10 men in that survey would commit rape if they didn't get in trouble? What? I really think the best way to prevent rape is for the perpetrators to know that there will be severe consequences. And for the victims to know this as well. More perpetrators facing consequences will lead to more victims being willing to report it, drawing more awareness to the problem. Link to comment
shellyf62 Posted October 20, 2015 Share Posted October 20, 2015 It is an awful position for you to be in, but if it was me I wouldn't be able to stay silent. Link to comment
IAmFCA Posted October 20, 2015 Author Share Posted October 20, 2015 It is an awful position for you to be in, but if it was me I wouldn't be able to stay silent. I will not be silent nor will I violate my pledge. I figure, if something gets done, nobody had to know I was an agent of change. Link to comment
IAmFCA Posted October 20, 2015 Author Share Posted October 20, 2015 Alli, powerful information. Thank you. Link to comment
abitbroken Posted October 20, 2015 Share Posted October 20, 2015 Is it a school employee with a student or two students? Different approach in each case. I would spare the 'approaching staff to propose gender equality" and just get down to the brass tacks. In business settings, it was better to approach the one person who was coming to work who was dressed wildly inappropriately for the setting, rather than presenting a seminar on dress code because you were afraid to say something and then the person has no clue it is directed at them anyhow. If anything, it would be best for you to encourage your daughter to tell the other girl that if she does come forward, that although you do not know her identity, that you would stand behind her. The other approach is to go to the boys parents if you know them well and tell them that you heard something from school and you know that sometimes there are rumors (to not be directly accusatory at first so they will listen), but you heard that their kid had assaulted another student. You really can't call the police if there were no witnesses, no information on when it happened, no identity of a victim, etc. Link to comment
Seraphim Posted October 20, 2015 Share Posted October 20, 2015 This is the victim's story no one else's . Before you report to a school let me tell you what happened to me. I was in high school and a person I thought was a friend leaked to others that I had been sexually molested by a family member . Well, for 3 YEARS EVERYDAY I was laughed at and called " the girl who "f'd" her uncle ." Think about the degradation before you involve schools and classmates. Victim blaming and rape culture are VERY alive and well. And kids? They are damned mean. Link to comment
alli Posted October 20, 2015 Share Posted October 20, 2015 I'm so sorry that happened to you Vic. I agree that it's the girl's choice whether or not this is reported. At the same time, I hate that we live in this culture where the burden is for the victim to carry alone. She's not the one who did anything wrong. With any other crime, say your home was robbed, no one ever feels like they have to keep that a secret. But it's a double whammy with rape because it's such a personal violation and rarely does the victim report it and the perpetrator face consequences. I'm not saying this to you specifically, just my frustration with how rape is handled in our society in general. Link to comment
IAmFCA Posted October 20, 2015 Author Share Posted October 20, 2015 This discussion is so helpful. It didn't happen at school, no school responsibility at all. It's her story and his, in a way. Not my place or desire to focus on either one. I wasn't there, I can't say if happened. What I can say is happening is how the kids are reacting. The guys, it's a non-event. The gals, it's destabilizing. Link to comment
catfeeder Posted October 20, 2015 Share Posted October 20, 2015 You may want to make an appointment with your local domestic violence or battered woman's group for some expert input into your situation. Link to comment
IAmFCA Posted October 20, 2015 Author Share Posted October 20, 2015 You may want to make an appointment with your local domestic violence or battered woman's group for some expert input into your situation. Great idea. Link to comment
Seraphim Posted October 20, 2015 Share Posted October 20, 2015 At the high school level I still think is the parent's right to talk to their own daughters and express the views they wish to express not have somebody else address their kids. Taking this public also takes huge risk at exposing the victim. And once that goes public believe me it's like you are being raped again. Link to comment
Seraphim Posted October 20, 2015 Share Posted October 20, 2015 I will say though it does sound like the vast majority of people it sounds like they're not raising their sons properly. Link to comment
IAmFCA Posted October 20, 2015 Author Share Posted October 20, 2015 One day, somehow, I am going to make teen boys disrespectful of this behavior. It disgusts me. And it means they also disrespect themselves. And when I grow up, if that's the kind of kid you were, I'm blocking you. No job, no committee or club memberships, no access. None. "Oh that's how boys are." Oh yeah? I wish you would be like that. Ugh I get so angry!!! Have to channel it. Nobody wants to hear some angry woman box everyone else out of the conversation. But no, this will not be the way boys think by the time I leave this earth. Link to comment
IAmFCA Posted October 20, 2015 Author Share Posted October 20, 2015 At the high school level I still think is the parent's right to talk to their own daughters and express the views they wish to express not have somebody else address their kids. Taking this public also takes huge risk at exposing the victim. And once that goes public believe me it's like you are being raped again. Agree completely. The gal is known as not being skilled at speaking for herself. I can relate to that; there are so many reasons that may be the case and I have no desire to make her story public. I can't. I don't even know who she is. I am trumpeting my teen's perspective. OTOH, I suppose it could be that the school could put on a training session and she might think it's about her, even if it had been planned all year long. It took me a year to say the R word to myself after it happened, and to yell at my assailant. I never did anything further. What was there to do. If this young lady isn't ready to process, who are we to force that upon her. Denial can be a useful coping skill. Link to comment
Seraphim Posted October 20, 2015 Share Posted October 20, 2015 Exactly just help your daughter's perspective. Hugs. And there needs to be a lot more education. I know how hard it is. Link to comment
IAmFCA Posted October 20, 2015 Author Share Posted October 20, 2015 Exactly just help your daughter's perspective. Hugs. And there needs to be a lot more education. I know how hard it is. Thanks Vic. My daughter has said she may write an article anonymously, so long as I promise not to read it. Sweet girl. I am burning up still. I will make a list using ideas in this thread of who I intend to call and what ideas I may employ. Link to comment
Seraphim Posted October 20, 2015 Share Posted October 20, 2015 As long as no one exposes the victim. Link to comment
Hermes Posted October 20, 2015 Share Posted October 20, 2015 Yes, IThink. This is at the heart of the matter: "What I can say is happening is how the kids are reacting. The guys, it's a non-event. The gals, it's destabilizing. Link to comment
IAmFCA Posted October 20, 2015 Author Share Posted October 20, 2015 Yes, IThink. This is at the heart of the matter: "What I can say is happening is how the kids are reacting. The guys, it's a non-event. The gals, it's destabilizing. Thank you. I will lead with this. Link to comment
alli Posted October 20, 2015 Share Posted October 20, 2015 It didn't happen at school, no school responsibility at all. I'm not sure if that's true. I always thought the same thing, that if it happened off-campus it wasn't for the school to handle. But my school always sends an email to every student every time a rape involving a student occurs, even when it is off campus. And some cases of students filing federal lawsuits against schools for mishandling rape cases were raped off-campus. I'm not sure that my school would choose to be involved in it if they didn't have to be. I especially think that if the girl reports it to the school, they will be required to take action because both the victim and the assailant attend the school. If they knew about it and took no action, they could be depriving her of protection and access to educational opportunities (because who can concentrate on geometry when your rapist is sitting next to you). Of course, there's not much the school can do even if they want to if the girl doesn't report it. Obviously I'm not an attorney and I don't know all of the ins and outs of the laws, but I'm pretty sure that if the girl reports the rape the school isn't off the hook just because the rape didn't happen on school grounds. Link to comment
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