Horrible Anxiety Over Whether I Should Proposel; Please Help!

[WantClarity]

Been dating gf for just under 4 years. No big problems in the relationship, we like eachother, want generally the same things in life, both stable and generally happy people. I honestly thing she is a great person and I am impressed with many things about her.

 

I don't know if I've ever felt totally crazy in love with her. But I am even-keeled and tend not to get overly emotional about anything, so maybe that Hollywood esque head over heels thing is not for me. But now I am really struggling with this decision and it is eating me up.

 

Since things have always gone well I have always indicated that our relationship is headed towards marriage. I even said she should check out rings with her friends, which she did and her friends have sent me the types of rings she likes. Safe to say that she is expecting a proposal very soon. Ever since I've been staring the ring purchase and getting engaged in the face, I have felt daily serious anxiety and doubt over whether I should do it. This in turn leads to me thinking that if I have this doubt, that doubt means dont, right? I've even noticed myself having minor "crushes" on other girls. I would never act on them but their existence is worrying me.

 

If I do decide not to propose, I am terrified that I will immediately realize I made a big mistake, regret, etc. She is a wonderful person and I just wish I felt super excited about marrying her. But something is saying don't..... Is this normal? Am I just freaking out? Is it possible to bring up these feelings with her?

 

Any help/advice appreciated.

[melancholy123]

Tough question as you know yourself and we dont. Could be cold feet is preventing you from proposing to her, or maybe she's not the one. We can't decide that for you. My husband was reluctant to ask me to marry him because he just wasn't ready. I didn't care if we ever got married, so I didn't worry about it. When he felt ready, he asked and I said yes. He's not a super emotional guy and you dont sound that way either, so maybe you aren't ready.

 

Seriously, dont ask her if you dont think you can follow thru. You will likely ruin your relationship for good if you get engaged and then back out because you are scared or nervous. It's a big commitment and you need to be as sure as you can get, one way or the other. Dont let anyone push you into it if you just aren't ready.

[annie24]

I don't know if I've ever felt totally crazy in love with her. But I am even-keeled and tend not to get overly emotional about anything, so maybe that Hollywood esque head over heels thing is not for me. But now I am really struggling with this decision and it is eating me up.

'

 

well - when you talk about hollywood, remember that it's a movie industry, not real life. Besides, a long-term hollywood couple is anyone who stays married after 2 years.

 

look at long-term compatibility - do you think she would make a good mother? do you both want kids? do you agree on financial matters? if you got cancer, would she have your back and take you to all your appointments and take care of her? would you do the same for her? Is she someone you want to grow old with? I'd think about these things and weigh them more heavily than the "butterflies in the stomach" feeling because I think that those are mainly impossible to maintain over the long term.

[SpottiOtti]

Have you noticed that any of the girls you've gotten crushes on possess qualities that your GF lacks, or represent things you wish you had in the relationship but don't?

 

Maybe some married guys can weigh in here on what it's like mentally to plan a proposal and buy a ring, and can say for sure whether or not what you're experiencing is normal. Where you at, married guys??

[Andrina]

How old are you? The human brain isn't fully formed until about age 25. What people want before that age could totally change by the time they reach their mid to late 20s. Some things you could think about to pinpoint your feelings: How would you feel if you caught her kissing another guy? When you think about growing old with her, do you have a warm, fuzzy feeling, or do you feel like a weight is on your chest? How would you feel if she broke up with you? Devastated, or like a weight has been lifted off of your chest. When you look at her, do you sometimes think about how gorgeous she is and get aroused? Do you look forward to hearing her voice and get happy when she calls when you're apart?

 

Maybe these answers can give you insight on whether this is more of friendship rather than a romance, or otherwise. If you are getting crushes on other girls, maybe you are too young to settle down and want to experience more of life before being in an exclusive relationship. Or, maybe an emotional connection in the romantic area is missing from your relationship that you will have to act on and amp up. Good luck.

[WithLove]

The fact that you told her to go look at rings with her friends is the difference here. Yes, she is expecting a proposal and yes, she likely will start getting edgy as more time passes and you don't propose.

 

I'm not sure this is allowed, but - can you talk to her honestly about what's going through your mind? tell her that you really love her and you love what you two have right now, and that even though you did start taking steps towards marriage, it's just giving you tons of anxiety right now?

 

I don't know. If it were me, I'd really prefer honesty over constantly wondering why you didn't propose yet, especially after you told me to go look at rings.

[TMifune]

An engagement isn't a marriage. Engagements can be broken. I'm sure you'd spare her the pain of breaking an engagement, but at this point breaking up is going to be just as damaging.

 

I'd suggest you go through with the proposal and then make premarital counselling a serious part of the engagement. That will allow you to talk about what marriage really is, what love is, what you both expect marriage to be like, hopefully with some wise guidance as to whether those things are really sustainable.

 

I don't think the vague feeling of not knowing if you were ever "crazy in love" with her really means anything at all. I think what you need to decide is whether you're willing to build a life with her and continue to give her your time and energy.

[Batya33]

I would only propose if you were ready to get married the very next day (even though you will not). An engagement is not official IMO without some kind of ring and either a wedding date or plans to set a wedding date (even if in the future) in the very near future.

 

How about this standard - if more of the time than not you feel anxiety over this decision AND if the anxiety/doubts are not fleeting/quickly resolvable then do not propose and do not focus on the "but life isn't Hollywood". Honestly, it doesn't matter if your standards are a bit out of whack -you will come to that realization in due time if they are. But, don't ever try to convince yourself to marry someone and I wouldn't focus much on a pros/cons list - not a terrible idea to make one -it might center you a bit -but not as a way to rationalize why you should propose.

 

My personal standard -you should feel excited and sure. Excited - not over the moon crazy all the time -but at least "quiet excited" and sure - reasonably sure which I described above when giving my opinion about anxieties.

 

I was the runaway bride more than once. I married the guy I had doubts about BUT I married him 11 years after our original wedding date, after being apart from him for almost 8 years and, because, the second time around I felt excited and sure. Did I ever feel scared/have doubts - yes. But none that rocked my world, none that required anyone else or myself needing to "convince" me that I was making the right decision. Very different experience from our first time around because we both matured, had increased confidence, had a much clearer idea of what we wanted and how we wanted to be together. And no we were not too young the first time (31 when we got engaged the first time). Had we married back then we would probably have divorced. Did I regret ending the engagement -yes initially and I asked for another chance (no, he said because we'd be all romantic the first few months then be in the same place again).

 

And yes you are risking her ending the relationship and finding someone else. Sorry, but that's the truth. Yes, you should ask her if she'd be willing to take a break for at least a month with no contact and during that time you don't date -simply live your life, see what life is like without her, see how much you miss her, see if some insights come to you about the root of those doubts.

 

Please do not go down the path of proposing if you are so plagued by doubts because the last thing you need is to get caught up in the whirlwind of party-planning and then make excuses of why it's too late to turn back (my mother used the unsent wedding invitations for phone messages, and wore her mother of the bride dress 15 years later to her granddaughter's wedding -it all works out).

 

Good luck -you can do this.

[Snny]

A golden rule to follow: when in doubt, don't. Don't make commitments to anything you aren't sure of, especially if it's about marriage.

 

Having crushes on people is normal. However it's the decision to act upon those. You will be faced with temptation throughout your marriage, and you need to know how to handle them when you are approached with one.

 

So how are you OP?

[milkyway]

I think you should be honest with her and have a deep long talk about it with her. tell her every little bit of your thoughts, fears and that you don't want to loss her but you are worrying about what you feeling now.

 

someone who you feel so great about, and want to spend a life with, is definitely the best person you should talk about this with. I am just feel happy for you that you have found this person, note that a lot people don't. don't let it go.

[SURPRISE]

Ask yourself where you want to be in 5 years, then in 10 years. If she is in those thoughts and they are happy thoughts, you probably have cold feet.

[Capttrae]

1-cold feet, I got them before I proposed to my fiancé, but, then I thought about things and I realized I could imagine life w/o her, but it wouldn't be the same.

2- your doubt, your not doubting your relationship you are doubting yourself. There again I still do that. Even though I've got a good job, financially stable, and all that good jazz.

3-mini crushes- you are just thinking how it might be to get a little strange.

My advice- man up and either do it, or admit you've wasted 4 years of her life and let her go

[Batya33]

I think you should be honest with her and have a deep long talk about it with her. tell her every little bit of your thoughts, fears and that you don't want to loss her but you are worrying about what you feeling now.

 

someone who you feel so great about, and want to spend a life with, is definitely the best person you should talk about this with. I am just feel happy for you that you have found this person, note that a lot people don't. don't let it go.

 

I would not go to her for advice unless there is a specific thing she is doing or not doing and you think that a change can be made. Do not burden her with your doubts/anxieties -it's not fair to her. If you need a break because of the doubts, tell her that, if you want to end things, tell her that -but despite the temptation to go to your best friend with your worries it would be a very selfish thing to do and unproductive -she of course cannot be objective.