Fudgie Posted October 5, 2015 Share Posted October 5, 2015 They need to go to therapy and he needs complete transparency. Link to comment
RainyCoast Posted October 5, 2015 Share Posted October 5, 2015 well i'd say in order for a couple to smooth out an issue...the offending party needs to admit to an issue... of course you could corner her in. therapy or divorce- regardless of whether you intend to go through with it. frankly i doubt i'd tell myself there is gain in coercing a spouse into taking steps to save the marriage- but it's a shot and it might help you sleep better knowing you went above and beyond for the kid's sake. her i'd not expect much of. Link to comment
ParisPaulette Posted October 5, 2015 Share Posted October 5, 2015 Yep, she didn't have time, because she was busy texting him or worse, meeting up with him behind your back. Oh crap, editing my earlier advice since apparently you have kids together? That changes things drastically. Time to hire a PI to gather some evidence, go consult a divorce attorney quietly and then lay it all on the line with her and insist either marriage counseling to work things out or she can be served with divorce papers. And in court you have the proof of her cheating so no it won't financially necessarily go her way... Sorry, time to play hardball for you and the kids sake. Link to comment
Jeffbobo Posted October 5, 2015 Share Posted October 5, 2015 33,000+ messages in four months? That's pushing an average of almost 300 messages a day! I don't think I even achieve in two weeks what she's doing in one day with a woman I've just met that I'm really into. That's like one message every minute for five hours straight every day. Granted, OP has said that she messages the guy 2/3 of that total amount but still! Wow! Just wow... Link to comment
LoveSoDeep Posted October 5, 2015 Share Posted October 5, 2015 I agree...you've been together 14+ years and have kids together it's definitely worth it to get counseling first. So she doesn't work? Are your kids in school now? Maybe she's just lonely or bored all day...honestly there's chance that for her it really was just chit-chat because she needs to connect with people....maybe she needs to get back into the workforce or go back to school or volunteer somewhere so she can connect with people. I'm not saying this is an excuse for her hiding things (that's uncool no matter what) but there are possibilities that haven't been brought up. Link to comment
LC8328 Posted October 5, 2015 Share Posted October 5, 2015 Yep, she didn't have time, because she was busy texting him or worse, meeting up with him behind your back. Oh crap, editing my earlier advice since apparently you have kids together? That changes things drastically. Time to hire a PI to gather some evidence, go consult a divorce attorney quietly and then lay it all on the line with her and insist either marriage counseling to work things out or she can be served with divorce papers. And in court you have the proof of her cheating so no it won't financially necessarily go her way... Sorry, time to play hardball for you and the kids sake. Sorry, I had more I wanted to say earlier but I got a call, got distracted, etc... I realize, OP, you had said you didn't want to just divorce her with no proof because it looks awful, etc. So what Paris Paulette suggests here is good. Either: Wife goes with you to counseling or you hire a PI. So either you two are working on your communication (since she obviously can't do it on her own), or you're gathering the proof you need. The point is to be doing something so you don't keep it all in, wondering what to do and continuing to feel awful. You can do it. Once you start moving forward you'll feel better. Link to comment
DoF Posted October 5, 2015 Share Posted October 5, 2015 Yep, she didn't have time, because she was busy texting him or worse, meeting up with him behind your back. Oh crap, editing my earlier advice since apparently you have kids together? That changes things drastically. Time to hire a PI to gather some evidence, go consult a divorce attorney quietly and then lay it all on the line with her and insist either marriage counseling to work things out or she can be served with divorce papers. And in court you have the proof of her cheating so no it won't financially necessarily go her way... Sorry, time to play hardball for you and the kids sake. Agreed Collect as much evidence as possible!!! Without it, you will be screwed. Heck WITH it, chances are you might get screwed. Regardless, you need that first. Then talk to a lawyer and evaluate everything etc. Link to comment
Lester Posted October 5, 2015 Share Posted October 5, 2015 Are you married? Can you account for most of her time away from you? Link to comment
DancingFool Posted October 5, 2015 Share Posted October 5, 2015 I don't know how anyone can have enough time in the day to text that much unless it's really stupid mindless stuff like 90% emoticons. It is possible that your wife had a sort of text affair....which is neither real nor not kind of a thing. It is possible that she was just enjoying the attention but that it meant nothing to her beyond just flattering her ego - a game, but meaningless. It is also possible that she is being truthful that it was all friend talk and even meaningless. Maybe she is lonely, maybe he was being her confidant, maybe she deleted the texts because she shared things about your and your relationship with her that really you shouldn't be reading about. There is a point where your SO does need to have a place to vent and some privacy. It is not all necessarily sinister. From your post, OP, it does sound like she was willing to drop him without much ado. That tells me that perhaps this, whatever it was, has honestly burned itself out or perhaps there was nothing much to it to begin with. Anyway, I do think that you and her need to consider your relationship at large. Not from an adversarial standpoint of "I suspect you", but rather are you two meeting each others needs. As another poster mentioned, perhaps she needs a job or a hobby or something. You two have children to consider. So there is more at stake here in terms of work it out rather than just run away. You can always break up, but before that, consider working things out. Another factor too, don't live in the past and don't get stuck there. Live in the present - is she staying true to her word and not speaking to him anymore? Link to comment
Moontiger Posted October 5, 2015 Share Posted October 5, 2015 I agree with seeing a relationship therapist. Did you ask her why she deleted the texts? Why she only deleted his texts and no one else's? Link to comment
shellyf62 Posted October 6, 2015 Share Posted October 6, 2015 Once trust is gone it is very hard to regain it. I feel very sorry for you, and I hope you can work things out. Link to comment
MJK Posted October 6, 2015 Share Posted October 6, 2015 It is possible that your wife had a sort of text affair....which is neither real nor not kind of a thing. It is possible that she was just enjoying the attention but that it meant nothing to her beyond just flattering her ego - a game, but meaningless. It is also possible that she is being truthful that it was all friend talk and even meaningless. Sorry, but I disagree with this assessment. Flattering her ego via presumably inappropriate texts (let's be honest - she was deleting them for a reason) with a member of the opposite sex is terrible. Now, her husband has discovered something fishy going on and it likely will impact his ability to trust her for a very long time. There are other issues at play here in the relationship that perhaps the OP isn't even consciously aware of. It is those issues that have led her to stray, even if it's only a "text affair," as you call it. It's still wrong because it has hurt her partner. If the other guy is really engaged, why not contact him and basically say to back off or his fiancé will be told of what's been going on? It may not fill whatever void the wife is trying to fill, but it likely will end this current situation so that she won't be diverted while she and the OP hopefully get back on track. Link to comment
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