Dating - play hard to get?

[sailsup555]

I'm just starting to date again but i'm getting confused with how to act. My last relationship messed with my mind and I let him get away with just about everything. My friend was just talking about it with me and said I tried to force it and there was no chase for him in it and he'd never like me as much because he didn't need to try. Then i said i tried to be easy going and she said i wasn't i turned more stalkerish. So i am just confused how i should try to act in the future? I just went out on one date with a guy and so far i like him which is saying a lot because it took me a while to get over ex but now i'm paranoid ill mess it up. I don't want to play games but apparently I make it too easy. I am very open about my feelings and emotions but is this a bad thing?

[j.man]

Oftentimes, people come on too strongly because they forget to keep living their own life when they start dating someone like some flip of the switch after simply having a dinner with someone. How often you interact with and hang out with someone should be directly proportionate to how much you've gotten to know them and how long you've been seeing them. Most healthy people don't like the feeling of becoming a focal point after just a handful of dates. They want to know you've got your own thing going.

 

So long as you're keeping up with your own things and your own social life, a healthy level of communication should more or less come naturally.

[DoF]

Don't ACT, if you do, you are doing it wrong to begin with.

 

BE YOURSELF

[Sportster2005]

I don't recommend playing hard to get, or any other game.

 

I do recommend not sharing too much too quickly.

[melancholic_too]

Yes, I would not play games. I am in the same boat as my last relationship was similar to what yours sounds like. The guy I am dating appreciates me having and retaining my circle of friends. He has noted how much he likes that I have things I like to do, and that I continue to do those. I think one of the biggest mistakes we make is losing ourselves and ignoring friends when in a relationship, especially when it's new.

[Batya33]

Be yourself as long as you are not feeling smitten with the guy. If you are, make sure you are busy doing fun/fulfilling things, exercise more if you need to work off that adrenaline and remind yourself of how the non-smitten you would behave with a new person in your life. It's self-absorbed to be too "full-on" with a new person -most people need a little space/breathing room to get to know you especially if you're both feeling a bit smitten.

[greta96]

Don't play hard to get, BE hard to get - in the sense that you keep living your own private life just as you did before you met him, you don't blow off your friends for dates with him, you don't give up your hobbies (even if said hobby is a TV show you like).

Other things you don't do:

- you don't chase him

- you don't have sex with him until you know relatively well that you two are on the same page with what you're looking for. That always takes time, people can say something that's not necessarily true, so you need to watch his actions not his words

- you don't drop something you're doing and run off to meet him just because he sent you a text

- you don't plan your daily activity based on a potential phone call/text from him

- you don't accept last minute plans; if he wants to see you, he needs to let you know at least 1-2 days in advance

- you don't start gushing about how much you like him or anything like that

 

Things you do:

- stay light hearted and avoid being clingy, possessive

- mirror his actions - meaning, you watch his actions, how often he calls/texts and initiates dates, and you reciprocate similarly; you never put in more effort than he does

- keep your private feelings to yourself, at least until you two establish a good trustworthy relationship

- keep a little mystery about you, in a good way of course

 

As long as you don't let anyone take you for granted, you're fine.

[Ms Darcy]

Maybe give yourself a little more time before you start dating again if you feel your mind is messed up from your last relationship.

[Stay_home]

I think the "easygoing" approach will be much more appreciated with a responsible and sensible adult. I don't believe you had that before and I'm not encouraging you to drink from the jar of kool-aid as far as playing hard to get as maybe some other women would suggest. Remember all the conversations had about the difficulties of dating, getting along and just finding a sensible person as it is. Playing hard to get not only maximizes that trouble, but it confuses men and could possibly be a repellant for a reasonable and sensible man. A squared away guy is not going to waste his time trying to wigi board a woman's coded messages when he can move on and find someone else more willing to tell it like it is. Have you forgot your position as a woman when it comes to available/eligible men on the market? It's a very narrow window unfortunately. But that good sensible man you've been looking for as a whole lot more of a window of finding a woman available who can speak her mind. Are you going to be left out and single and lose a good man over...games? You want to give yourself the best tactical advantage by putting yourself in a position to keep a man interested. That's very difficult to do these days when for every available/eligible guy he could be a 7-1 favorite. What I'm saying is not that you should be easy or submissive, by all means protect your heart. But you must understand that right now the market is very competitive and you want to give yourself every possible chance and not throw it away over nonsense.

 

A responsible adult will appreciate your candidness and not use it as a weapon against you, just my opinion. Tell it like it is. Communicate. If you like someone you like them. If they start dancing and skating away because of it...well...fine, let them go. Don't waste your time. Make dating very easy for yourself; when you get the sense that your being ripped off, you're probably right. Verify, of course and then get the heck out of there. I'm a guy and I'm probably breaking the rules telling you that but it's true and I'm tired of seeing women alone in their life because they want to play head games and crap. Who started the rumor that this was the key to success anyway?

 

Best of luck.

[localvet]

Just do what feels natural, what ever you want. If you want to cling all over him, do it. That is not natural and is a red flag to you and him that you are rebounding. I recently had a date, was going great, then she suddenly was all over me, hands legs, over mine as we sat on a couch. freaked me out! WHy? Because I knew she is trying to pick up where she left off with someone else. on the flip side I had a gal I dated for a couple weeks start playing hard to get games. I went away. Later she tried to re-engage me explaining what she was doing. I am sorry but as an adult I just don't have time for games. This isnt High School biology where we have 3 months to get to know each other slowly. Just start off being who you are and if that doesnt work, move on till you find a person it does work for.

[notalady]

This 100%. Very useful advice.

 

OP, how did you behave in the last relationship that made your friend say you became "stalkerish" and clingy and chasing the guy? It helps to write these specific behaviours down to identify why you did these things and understand what exactly is wrong with them. Because it seems to me like you still don't understand.

 

Don't put on an act but understand and learn from past mistakes.

[Patrick974]

I don't recommend playing hard to get, or any other game.

 

I do recommend not sharing too much too quickly.

 

Thats correct.. Even a close friend I know for three years the first night we hungout together probably told me too Much about him. Not his fault. He was a bit drunk. He spoke with his heart and I kept what he told me to myself.

 

Don't play hard to get, BE hard to get - in the sense that you keep living your own private life just as you did before you met him, you don't blow off your friends for dates with him, you don't give up your hobbies (even if said hobby is a TV show you like).

Other things you don't do:

- you don't chase him

- you don't have sex with him until you know relatively well that you two are on the same page with what you're looking for. That always takes time, people can say something that's not necessarily true, so you need to watch his actions not his words

- you don't drop something you're doing and run off to meet him just because he sent you a text

- you don't plan your daily activity based on a potential phone call/text from him

- you don't accept last minute plans; if he wants to see you, he needs to let you know at least 1-2 days in advance

- you don't start gushing about how much you like him or anything like that

 

Things you do:

- stay light hearted and avoid being clingy, possessive

- mirror his actions - meaning, you watch his actions, how often he calls/texts and initiates dates, and you reciprocate similarly; you never put in more effort than he does

- keep your private feelings to yourself, at least until you two establish a good trustworthy relationship

- keep a little mystery about you, in a good way of course

 

As long as you don't let anyone take you for granted, you're fine.

 

Yes to that too. How to start off a good Relationship brillantly put.

[sailsup555]

well what happened was we dated for 4 months but then he pulled away for four months saying he was busy then came back again for another four months and started introducing me to his family talking about moving in then pulled away again. So each time he pulled away i just kept it up thinking he'd come back and he did a couple times but it just got worse and worse. i would tell him my feelings hoping it might sway him but it just pushed him away even further. i was always asking him to come over and join in whatever i was doing and this pretty much resulted in him blowing me off many times. i think it made me become a little obsessive just trying to force him back, trying to figure out what he was doing and who he was with and not understanding what i was doing to make him pull away each time. it was a 3 year back and forth on and off relationship and i just feel a little gun shy after the whole thing like it was more of a beating than a relationship. i still dont know if i was doing something or if it was just something in his mind. He eventually told me that he distances himself when things get too real and that he wants to be alone with no friends, no girlfriend, no conversations, just his car and his toolbox. It took a toll on my self esteem and i just dont want it to impact a future relationship

[Dottieflanogon]

playing hard to get or acting a certain way like busy will only make you seem fake. Also it makes you seem like you play games and that isn't good. Personally, being too busy doesn't make me wonder what the other person doing nor does it make me want him more. It makes me think he's busy, playing games or flaky. So if I like him I'm disappointed and if I don't screw it