How to turn down dates

[alli]

So I feel a little ridiculous posting this but I never thought I'd have this problem!

 

I need to figure out how to quickly, unambiguously turn men down. I feel so uncomfortable doing it that sometimes when I am asked to get together, I just tell them I'm too busy now & maybe later. Or I don't reply at all. Or I say "yeah, sometime", then block their number. But then they keep asking. I guess I am trying to be "nice" by not outright saying that I am not interested in them but that just makes it worse for all of us. I know I'm not handling this right.

 

I've had a couple instances where I finally either flat out asked them to stop messaging me or in another case told him I couldn't because I was seeing someone (true at the time). I don't know if men are more outgoing in this age range now than when I was younger or what but with my normal way of handling things (avoidance) I can't keep up. As soon as I finally get one off my back, another is sending me messages asking to get together! I'm not even on a dating site or Tinder or any of that. I just really need a few ideas for things I can say that will shut them down immediately, but aren't rude.

 

Some people might find the attention flattering I suppose but I really just want to be left alone. I am so stressed out from school all the time. I was seeing someone that I really liked but he changed his mind, so I'm still kind of down about that. My cat ran away. I rarely see my family. And a year from now when my classes are finished I'm moving to a different area of the country. So I'm struggling with a bit of depression and I'm really not interested in dating anyone right now, even if these were men that I would consider dating under better circumstances. But I feel like that is my business and I shouldn't have to tell someone why I don't want to date them. Ideas?

[shellyf62]

Can I ask how they are messaging you? How do they get your details? If you are giving out your number then you are showing that you are interested in them.

 

I would just say that you aren't looking to date at the moment, but you are flattered by the request. Leave it at that, no further explanation needed.

[musicman777]

But I feel like that is my business and I shouldn't have to tell someone why I don't want to date them. Ideas?

 

You're right, it is your business and you shouldn't have to tell them. I'm surprised we need a "how to" on turning away dates now!

 

The BEST thing you can do is just be 110% honest with the guys that are asking you out. Just tell them the truth, say "I'm flattered for the offer but I am not interested in dating you, sorry." That's all you have to say, you don't have to offer them an explanation of any sorts. If they pressure you asking questions why just say "look I'm trying to be nice but I am absolutely not interested in you, my private life is none of your business, please stop asking me out". When you beat around the bush, delay, and make excuses, guys think you are into them and keep asking thinking you will eventually be available. You are fair game and they have a right to ask you, but if they do, you need to be firm and just tell them the truth.

 

As a guy, let me tell you if someone weren't interested in me, I would just like to hear the TRUTH. I don't like to be given false hope. Sometimes it's not enough to hear someone say "maybe another time' or something because eventually "another time" comes up and I don't so easily forget about a woman that I think is interested in me, I ask them again to go out sometime! I would like to hear the truth in the beginning. Yes, the guy will be hurt but not that badly. It will be better than having them ogle over you for months, if not years sometimes, in hopes you actually like them. Just tell them the honest truth. You can be nice/courteous about it but honesty is best.

[alli]

Can I ask how they are messaging you? How do they get your details? If you are giving out your number then you are showing that you are interested in them.

 

I would just say that you aren't looking to date at the moment, but you are flattered by the request. Leave it at that, no further explanation needed.

 

They are people that I know. I'm in the National Guard so some are ones that I work with or have worked with. Former classmates, etc. Most send messages by Facebook. I actually wanted to turn my messaging off, but Facebook actually doesn't let you do that.

 

The most recent was a couple days ago. I got divorced a while ago & I don't really tell a lot of people in the guard, but I did tell one girl in my section. For some reason, she told another guy in the unit I got divorced and he asked her for my number. When he called me I first thought it was work related because he sounded serious. He kept saying "Oh, I didn't know you got divorced". I thought he was calling because it created a problem with my pay or something, since my ex is also in the military. Then he asked if I needed a storage unit, so I thought that was the main reason he was calling. Then he asked where I moved to, and since he recently moved to the same area he was asking about things to do. I thought we were just making conversation. Then at the end he asked if I would see a movie with him sometime. I stupidly said ok. A lot of times a group of us will get together. After I hung up, I realized THAT was the reason that he called. And I realized he wanted it to be like a date because what I initially interpreted as a serious tone in his voice was nerves, because he was calling with the intent to set up a date. But I already said yes. I'm ok with hanging out as friends, but not as a date. The dude's like 20 years older than me. So I just blocked his number.

[notalady]

Um so you agreed to go out with him (hang out or date) and now blocked his number? So are you just going to not show up at the agreed time and place??

[alli]

I know. I'm 30 years old. Years of higher education, tons of work experience. I've even deployed to a war zone and somehow never mastered the art of saying "no". At least when it comes to turning down dates.

 

Ugh it just feels so uncomfortable to actually say those words, "I'm not interested in you". I should though.

 

I just don't understand why nonverbal cues don't work! If I am interested in someone and they stop responding to me I will try one, maybe two more times tops. Then I get it and I leave them alone! Why don't they just give up?

[alli]

Um so you agreed to go out with him (hang out or date) and now blocked his number? So are you just going to not show up at the agreed time and place??

 

Hahaha no we didn't actually set a place or time, it was just a "sometime".

 

Yes, I know I'm not handling this correctly but you have no idea how much anxiety this causes me! And it irritates me because I never asked for any of it & now I feel like I'm being forced to handle something I never wanted a part of.

[notalady]

Next time someone from work asks you out to do whatever, just say "thanks for the invite but I prefer to keep things purely professional between us". Or if it's a friend's friend say something like "thanks for the invite, that's very nice of you, but I will have to decline." No explaining needed as to why you are declining. Or if someone asked specifically to go on a date (using the word date), just say the same things or "thanks for the invite but I prefer to keep things purely platonic between us."

 

Any of the above will work, they should get the message loud and clear and will stop messaging you, no need to block.

 

There is no need to talk about if you are interested in dating them or in general, unless they specifically asked you that question or made a move (eg attempt to hold your hand or kiss you).

 

To be honest its presumptuous and arrogant to say sorry I'm not interested in dating you, when all they did was engage in conversation with you and asked if you'd like to go to a movie (or do whatever). We all know what they want but it's rude and hurtful to simply point it out when the other person is trying to be subtle about it.

[alli]

Next time someone from work asks you out to do whatever, just say "thanks for the invite but I prefer to keep things purely professional between us". Or if it's a friend's friend say something like "thanks for the invite, that's very nice of you, but I will have to decline." No explaining needed as to why you are declining. They should get the message loud and clear and will stop messaging you, no need to block.

 

There is no need to talk about if you are interested in dating them or in general, unless they specifically asked you that question or made a move (eg attempt to hold your hand or kiss you).

 

Those are good ideas! At least when someone sends me a message I can think about how exactly I will respond. I need to remember how to put it with keeping things professional when it's a phone call & I have to respond immediately.

[notalady]

You can say the same things on the phone.

 

I've added more to my last post too btw

[SoulTaker]

This is an interesting one, because you're dealing with people that you already know, or work with. It is not as easy to dismiss them.

 

One suggestion will be to tell them that you're not interested in anyone that you already know. And let it go at that. By putting all of them under the same umbrella, they can't take it personally. That will take care of the people you know. You don't have to tell them in person, just text them (or whatever you're comfortable with).

 

If its a new person, then you should already know how to deal with them (based on past dating experiences).

[alli]

You can say the same things on the phone.

 

Yeah I know, I just mean I need to remember how you said it so I can easily recall it quickly.

[alli]

This is an interesting one, because you're dealing with people that you already know, or work with. It is not as easy to dismiss them.

 

One suggestion will be to tell them that you're not interested in anyone that you already know. And let it go at that. By putting all of them under the same umbrella, they can't take it personally. That will take care of the people you know. You don't have to tell them in person, just text them (or whatever you're comfortable with).

 

If its a new person, then you should already know how to deal with them (based on past dating experiences).

 

 

That is true, that should work with anyone in the guard from now on. Not dating coworkers, to keep it professional.

[lookingforadv]

Look them in the eye and say no thank you, or if they already have your #, text them and say you're not interested and wish them the best. Be as direct and to the the point as possible.

[musicman777]

I know. I'm 30 years old. Years of higher education, tons of work experience. I've even deployed to a war zone and somehow never mastered the art of saying "no". At least when it comes to turning down dates.

 

Ugh it just feels so uncomfortable to actually say those words, "I'm not interested in you". I should though.

 

I just don't understand why nonverbal cues don't work! If I am interested in someone and they stop responding to me I will try one, maybe two more times tops. Then I get it and I leave them alone! Why don't they just give up?

 

Well that's the thing, you misinterpreted my wording I said to say "I'm not interested in dating you", not "I'm not interested in you". But they both kind of mean the same thing. They are straight to the point. A man will realize when you say that that you do not have feelings or attraction for him. He will eventually realize this and leave you alone. Let me add on onto this. Do not say something like "You seem like a really great guy but I'm not interested in dating you". They will take the "really great guy" comment and think you are interested. It's so easy for a guy to misinterpret a girl. You neeed to just say the truth, say "I'm not interested in dating you, sorry".

 

I don't know what you mean by "nonverbal cues" when trying to NOT get someones interest, that is a new one! Often men take nonverbal cues as to liking them! I think you need to man up (or should I say "woman up") and just tell it like it is. If there are guys interested in you and you don't want to date them, just TELL them like I said before. Tell them the truth. You can do so in a polite manner. You are doing them no better by trying to be nice and giving them false signals.

 

I've been rejected plenty of times in my life, usually it's with a simple "no thank you" if saying "I'm not interested" is not good enough. Either way, you need to learn to be comfortable talking to men, both ones you like and do not like. Good luck.

[j.man]

That's a tough balance. I've gone out to lunch and coffee with female coworkers, but I'd never ask one out for dinner or drinks or anything like that. I'm definitely not a fan of dating in the workplace, but building personal relationships with coworkers can be immensely beneficial.

 

If a coworker asks you out, maybe come back with a, "Sure, wanna grab a bite during lunch on x day?" or maybe offer to grab a coffee before work some other day. Keeping it within the scope of the work day lets them know you're not opposed to getting to know them but hints at keeping it within the context of work.

 

While the intentions are obvious, if you go into full "no" mode and more or less assume out loud that they are looking to score a date, there's a good chance you'll catch a bad reputation. That's not to say you SHOULD, but that's unfortunately the reality for a lot of women who assert themselves. If after lunch or coffee they would like to meet up again, suggesting a second "date," that's when you can hit them with something like, "I definitely enjoyed getting to know you a bit more but I do need to let you know that I don't date within the company."

 

Again, as much as I feel a woman should be well within their rights to, I'd never encourage you to bluntly reject a coworker.

[catfeeder]

Just as nobody is obligated to engage with a telemarketer, nobody is obligated to respond to any message just because someone has sent one. Your phone, FB and email are private, and you can block anyone you wish to block from those.

 

Use your devices to shut down anyone who has infiltrated those. No explanation necessary.

 

So that just leaves direct encounters in person. I like the suggestion to use the phrase 'strictly professional' when turning down people from work--but then don't ever break form by dating anyone from work.

 

To anyone outside of work, you can say, "I'm not open for dating, but thank you." This doesn't offer any squirmy explanations, and it's an answer that can be repeated without scrambling to modify your response if someone is persistent.

[alli]

 

While the intentions are obvious, if you go into full "no" mode and more or less assume out loud that they are looking to score a date, there's a good chance you'll catch a bad reputation.

 

Exactly. I used to assume by default that everything was platonic. Even "catching up over coffee"- these are things I do with female friends so I wouldn't automatically assume it was anything more than that. But that gets me in trouble because by the time I realize they don't intend it to be platonic it is harder to say I'm not interested than it would have been had I just said no in the first place. Like the guy that asked if I would go to a movie with him the other day. I think it will be awkward seeing him at work now after he invited me & I started avoiding him. But it would be even more awkward if I went to a movie with him and he tried to hold my hand, kiss (ugh) or invite me again and I rejected the offer. Really it's just awkward now no matter what I do. I wish he just wouldn't have called me in the first place.

[alli]

To anyone outside of work, you can say, "I'm not open for dating, but thank you." This doesn't offer any squirmy explanations, and it's an answer that can be repeated without scrambling to modify your response if someone is persistent.

 

I think this will work. Definitive, unambiguous, doesn't imply the problem is that specific person, no explanation necessary. Thank you!

[Tinydance]

I've found that really the best thing that works is simply being honest. I think if you say you're not interested very politely, hopefully they won't be offended and all will be fine I think ignoring and blocking people makes it much worse and makes you look like a jerk (you're not of course but just feel awkward).

[Sportster2005]

I know. I'm 30 years old. Years of higher education, tons of work experience. I've even deployed to a war zone and somehow never mastered the art of saying "no". At least when it comes to turning down dates.

 

Ugh it just feels so uncomfortable to actually say those words, "I'm not interested in you". I should though.

 

I just don't understand why nonverbal cues don't work! If I am interested in someone and they stop responding to me I will try one, maybe two more times tops. Then I get it and I leave them alone! Why don't they just give up?

 

Because you didn't say no.

[LoveSoDeep]

alli - I agree it seems so mean to just say "i'm not interested." Unfortunately that is sometimes the only way out of any further attempts.

 

Part of the problem for me is so many men complain about the almost constant rejection that they face, and some of them use that as an excuse to stop asking women out. For a while I didn't want to be part of that problem. Especially when I could tell a guy had really worked up a lot of courage just to talk to me rejecting him outright seems so cruel.

[itsallgrand]

If you are recently divorced, then maybe you have to get used to first recognizing when someone is trying to ask you on a date.

It's easier to stop it before it has completely come out. You can spot the signs coming, and let them know you aren't interested before a lot of men will flat out ask.

This makes things a lot less awkward, because he can still save face.

[alli]

 

Part of the problem for me is so many men complain about the almost constant rejection that they face

 

Right; I feel bad rejecting them but I'm also not going to date someone I don't actually like. I guess for me the thing is that I think when people are rejected they wonder what it is that is wrong with them- not attractive enough, an unlikeable personality, etc. And I won't lie, a lot of times that is the reason why. I'm not going to go on a date with someone I don't find attractive. I mean, I would never actually say that; that I won't see them because I don't find them attractive. But I feel like maybe that is implied no matter how I say "no thanks?" Maybe I am just overthinking it & most men don't really care or overthink it when they are turned down.

 

If you are recently divorced, then maybe you have to get used to first recognizing when someone is trying to ask you on a date.

It's easier to stop it before it has completely come out. You can spot the signs coming, and let them know you aren't interested before a lot of men will flat out ask.

This makes things a lot less awkward, because he can still save face.

 

Exactly! I am recently divorced and I am horrible at recognizing when someone is trying to ask me on a date until it is much too late. A lot of times I just assume it is catching up with someone I haven't seen in a while, or just hanging out as friends. One example is a guy I was in undergrad with. He said he would be in my area this summer & asked if I wanted to meet up. So I said sure, thinking it would coffee for an hour or so & that would be the end of it. But then later that day he said something about needing to take a shower and inviting me to join (jokingly I guess, since he was thousands of miles away at the time). But still... no. It escalated way too quickly & I wasn't ok with that. But I had already agreed to meet with him before things got weird. Now I don't want to meet with him & have him think I'm going to do anything physical with him, because I'm not. So now I just don't respond when he says he's in town.

 

I guess I just need to assume that any male I speak to who isn't family might potentially want something more than platonic friendship & be more careful to show that I am not interested sooner.

[Tinydance]

Well again there are very polite ways to turn someone down and of course you shouldn't say anything like "You're unattractive" but you can use other things, even if they sound kind of BS in hindsight lol One perfect excuse you could use, which you say is even true, could be "Sorry, I'm getting over a divorce and I'm not interested in any kind of dating."

 

I think what sort of language you use is important and it has to be very closed and down to the point. I've heard some people say "Sorry I just came out of a marriage/relationship and I'm not ready for anything at the moment. But honestly I think you're great". I think even leaving a little bit of hope or ambiguity can still make some people keep trying or try again later.

 

Or you could say "Sorry I think you're awesome but I just see you as a really good friend." That way the person wouldn't be offended that you said they're unattractive physically or personality-wise, in fact you gave no reasons for the rejection at all. But yet at the same time you've made it really obvious that you've totally friend zoned them lol If people keep trying after you basically flat out told them you're not interested, then that's disrespectful and I think you have a full right to then reject them in a more blunt way, since you've already tried to be polite.