Advice needed.. again. Dating divorced man with 3 kids

[Batya33]

Umm I would take him having a vasectomy to mean that he absolutely does not want kids! Yes they are reversible but I believe even after the reversal your chances of getting pregnant decrease drastically. In order for the reversal to even be remotely successful it has to be done within 10 years of the vasectomy. I know this is a bit off topic, but if you really want to kids, you need to really think it over if it's worth continuing a relationship with this guy.

 

I could not agree more -you likely will not be Miranda on Sex and the City who reported that despite her one ovary and her boyfriend's low sperm count she had an oops pregnancy LOL. Just trying to get a little levity here - but seriously-he is not kids-minded and if he's not 110% into it and has 3 kids and two ex wives it aint worth it. Are you 100% sure you want children?

[Ms Darcy]

Yeah dude ... dating a man who had a vasectomy when you want kids .... AND he's divorced with kids already.

 

You cannot be serious dear. This. Is. Dead in the water.

[lostandhurt]

I am sorry but I think all his actions are pretty clear now. You want children and he has 3 already and 2 ex-wives and a vasectomy on top of all that.

 

He is pulling back to keep it from getting serious but close enough to keep you in tow and of course willing to have sex.

 

Given everything you have already told us and knowing that there are things we and you don't know about his last marriages I would say you need to end this and look for a man that wants what you want and is emotionally available for those things.

 

Kids

Committed long term (marriage) relationship

Communication

Caring

Loving

 

I don't think he is showing signs of wanting any of the things you want.

 

I am sorry

 

Lost

[abitbroken]

I want kids but he did say it can be reversed. I don't know what to do I like him but it seems like I have gotten myself in this especially since I knew all of this prior to dating him exclusively. Shaking my head lol

 

It cannot ALWAYS be reversed. For some guys, it just doesn't work. There is a chance, but it is not 100%. People don't go under the knife unless they are 100% serious. Its not like a woman whose tubes were tied because she has a had her uterus removed due to cancer, etc, and therefore the eggs would have nowhere to go. There is no medical reason that I know of besides wanting to prevent a pregnancy

 

He is telling you he can have it reverse because he wants to tell you what you want to hear so you will keep the bedroom door open to him. He likes having you around.

 

Find a guy who is enthusiastic about wanting to be a dad someday, or does want to if he met the right woman, but if he doesn't, then okay. They are out there - men who have never married, men who are widowers and have no kids or have a child and want more, etc., men who married young and have been divorced for awhile with a kid or no kids, etc. and definitely want more. To me, if I wanted kids, a guy with a vasectomy is someone I would weed out right away in the dating process unless he had been a foster parent in the past and was very gung ho on the idea of adopting. But for the most part, a vasectomy is such a conscious decision against kids I would skip guys that had it.

[JA0371]

My God....this guy must have a huge Twinkie to deal with all this craziness......

[Asb682]

Can the OP give us an update?

[Redabc123]

Can the OP give us an update?

 

Thank you guys for all the advice. It makes a lot of sense. I have reached out but he has. It sucks because despite my doubts I really do like him. I agree having the big V is a big decision. According to him he thought him and his ex wife were done having kids and this was done right after there last kid which was 4 years ago. I don't all the details. I guess at this point it doesn't matter. I do agree that I have gotten myself into a mess though lol. We haven't talked about marriage or kids because it had only been 4 months and I didnt want to have that talk too soon. We did however talk about it when we first began dating he said he was open to it. Its kind of sad and hurtful that he would lie and pretend for this long knowing what I was looking for just to sleep with me. He knows I want to be married and have kids. He knows I am looking for a serious relationship. Im pretty much just hurt right now.

[mhowe]

If he told you up front that he had a V and you shared what you were both looking for, and have never talked about marriage or kids in reality...I fail to see how it is his fault for.leading you on.

 

You could have not started dating him from the.point of the vasectomy disclosure.

You could have stopped dating him when you four d out he had already been married 2x.

 

You have a voice and your own judgement and value system. He hasn't done anything outside of how he promoted himself from the start.

 

He is looking for a long term relationship.

He has introduced you to family and friends.

He does consider you to be bf/gf and exclusive.

 

Four months is way too soon to be discussing marriage. Too soon to be involved with his kids.

 

So I say again...if you want a fast track to marriage and babies....don't date a 2x divorced man with children.

[chickadeedee]

I am sorry you are hurt. I think you could count this as being the old maxim that you went for him as a triumph of hope over experience... as in, he's a twice divorced guy with 3 kids and a vasectomy. No matter what he said, he is NOT a good candidate/choice for a partner if you are a single woman who wants a stable marriage, home, and to add more kids to an already large brood where the vasectomy is clear indication he wants to be done with it. And I suspect no matter what he said, if it came right down to marriage and reversing that vasectomy, he'd be coming up with a million excuses to not do it.

 

I'd suggest you limit your dating pool to men who haven't had vasectomies, and who haven't wracked up multiple divorces and many kids. They are far likelier candidates for wanting to offer you what you want. This guy knows that women want marriage and children, but he's not good at marriage (two time divorcee), and already has a big financial/time responsibility to kids he's already fathered with other women. Too much baggage.

 

I wouldn't exclude a guy with one divorce and no kids or only one or two, but this guy was never a good prospect based on his history and vasectomy.

[Redabc123]

I agree with you and I dont want to fast track anything. Im not really that experienced with relationships and from what everyone is saying on here it isn't going to work. Even though nothing bad has happened it seems like its just my insecurity. Im confused.

[mhowe]

Inexperience in dating does not preclude you from having thoughts, opinions and standards.

If what you have with him isn't making you happy, you are free to leave.

If you are enjoying it but in your head set a time limit on discussing future marriage or children, so be it.

 

But walking into a relationship with a 2x divorced man with 3 kids means that common sense alone should tell you that the likelihood of adding another child and wife isn't as great as it would be with a never married father of none.

 

When all is said and done, the voice you listen to is your own.

[Redabc123]

Inexperience in dating does not preclude you from having thoughts, opinions and standards.

If what you have with him isn't making you happy, you are free to leave.

If you are enjoying it but in your head set a time limit on discussing future marriage or children, so be it.

 

But walking into a relationship with a 2x divorced man with 3 kids means that common sense alone should tell you that the likelihood of adding another child and wife isn't as great as it would be with a never married father of none.

 

When all is said and done, the voice you listen to is your own.

 

Thanks Mhowe your right! He expressed to me yesterday that he been exhausted between moving, working and the kids. I like hanging out with him/being with him when we are together but in the long run I have to do what makes me happy. I know I'm not ready to break up with him because I like him which is a lame excuse I know. I have been pulling away this week really trying to get my thoughts together. I think he can sense that. Would it be wrong if I just let him end it lol.. thank you for helping me through the process I don't know what Id do without this board

[mhowe]

Just let him end it? He doesn't want to end it.

And his telling you that he is exhausted from his move is simply the truth and letting g you know that is why he has been less responsive.

 

You have an equal voice. Stay if you wish...leave if you wish. But own your own behavior and desire. You can't make him the bad guy here. He has fully disclosed and owned all of his actions and motivations.

[Asb682]

Thanks Mhowe your right! He expressed to me yesterday that he been exhausted between moving, working and the kids. I like hanging out with him/being with him when we are together but in the long run I have to do what makes me happy. I know I'm not ready to break up with him because I like him which is a lame excuse I know. I have been pulling away this week really trying to get my thoughts together. I think he can sense that. Would it be wrong if I just let him end it lol.. thank you for helping me through the process I don't know what Id do without this board

 

My experience with dating a divorced father of two is that when they first meet you, if they're intersted in seeing you again, they'll tell you whatever they have to in order to see you again. My ex told me he wouldn't be opposed to having more kids, and that he always wanted 3 kids anyway (even though his online profile said he did not want more kids), but he was getting older and didn't know how that would play out. I liked him so I believed him, but it didn't take long for me to realize by the things he said and did, he was feeding me a line....he did not want more kids.

 

You liking him, is not a good enough reason to stay in this relationship, my advice is get out now before your feelings for him get stronger because if you think it's hard to let go of him now, imagine how you'll feel in another 4 months!! I don't understand why you have to let him end it? If you want to end it, do so, don't wait for him to do it.

[chickadeedee]

>>Would it be wrong if I just let him end it lol..

 

That would just waste a lot of your time and heart... and this guy is probably perfectly happy with just drifting as long as you don't up the ante and demand anything from him.

 

I'm giving advice based on my own experience with this kind of guy... i dated a guy who had 2 divorces, kids from different mothers etc. when i met him. He was always scattered, always having time and money issues, always commitmentphobic, always claiming he wanted to settle down, but his history and choices precluded that..

 

I eventually broke up with him because i realized how many issues he had, but last I heard, he was on marriage number FOUR (and wanted out), had had more kids with wives, mistresses, etc. So your worst nightmare would be if you actually did have a kid with him. He'd be around for a while, but not forever. The guy I knew finally had a vasectomy, but not until he had 5 kids with 4 different mothers.

[Redabc123]

Just let him end it? He doesn't want to end it.

And his telling you that he is exhausted from his move is simply the truth and letting g you know that is why he has been less responsive.

 

You have an equal voice. Stay if you wish...leave if you wish. But own your own behavior and desire. You can't make him the bad guy here. He has fully disclosed and owned all of his actions and motivations.

 

I agree thank you Mhowe

[Redabc123]

Oh my goodness that is scary! How long did you date? Are you dating someone else now?

[chickadeedee]

Yes, I found someone else! I unfortunately wasted a few years on the guy who was the multiple divorcee/multiple baby mama's. He was very charming and good at manipulating people into ignoring the fact that he was always a mess and was littering the landscape with broken hearted women and kids. He was someone I had worked with so I was able to hear his story from others after we broke up, and to hear that he was still doing the same old thing juggling women and kids years later.

[chickadeedee]

I have nothing against dating men who've been divorced or had kids. But you need to look at the particular circumstances. Divorced (twice) with 3 kids and vasectomy. This is not a man who wants another family. He might want a woman for companionship or to help financially raise the kids he's already got, but if he was really serious about wanting more kids and was a good family man, he wouldn't have had a vasectomy or already racked up 2 divorces and multiple young kids.

[mhowe]

OP...your guy is a responsible father. Kids from one marriage. Half custody.

He is not insecure about his budding relationship with you. You are the one thinking that it isn't moving forward...a d yet in another breath you say you are fine with it.

 

Until he reaches the point where he has you overnight on the weekends he has his kids, you will see him 2 weekends a month. If he has to travel for work, it will always be when he doesn't have the kids.

 

If you are unsure yourself whether you want your own biological child or if you would be satisfied being a step mother....those are questions you must solve for yourself. If you want marriage, again...it is only 4 months and there is nothing to say either way how that will play out with him.

Even if he was single and no kids...4 months is too early to know.

[Asb682]

I agree with this, I think the main issue is if he wants more kids or not, and if you are ok with not having biological children. I think you're probably right where you should be in your relationship at the 4 month mark with a divorced father of 3 kids.

 

But if you do want kids of your own, I think you need to move on, and do so soon.

[abitbroken]

It is NEVER too soon in a relationship to talk about what your ultimate goals are or what the other is looking for - are they looking to date around, are they looking for a relationship. It is SO EASY to bring up with kids with someone who already has them "Would you have more". It might be nerve wracking if someone is 22 and no kids. "where do you see yourself in the next few years?" is a good one too. It doesn't mean that you are saying "do you want me to be the mother of your children??"" if you say it early on enough - you are interviewing them to see if you can move forward and have common goals.

 

the dynamic of two ex wives and several kids already in the mix is daunting as it is.

 

I agree with this, I think the main issue is if he wants more kids or not, and if you are ok with not having biological children. I think you're probably right where you should be in your relationship at the 4 month mark with a divorced father of 3 kids.

 

But if you do want kids of your own, I think you need to move on, and do so soon.

 

There are people who want kids strongly and they meet someone who can't medically have them and decide its better to find someone who not only wants, but has no reason to believe they can't have kids.

[abitbroken]

I agree with this, I think the main issue is if he wants more kids or not, and if you are ok with not having biological children. I think you're probably right where you should be in your relationship at the 4 month mark with a divorced father of 3 kids.

 

But if you do want kids of your own, I think you need to move on, and do so soon.

 

I don't think you should compromise that at this point. If you meet someone fall in love, are together for 5 years and they are in a horrific accident and can't father kids after that - but you decide t stay together because he is the one for you - that is different than meeting someone where having another one is not his dream and you are adding yourself to a complicated situation. There are a lot of people who are fun to be with to go to a movie with - but you might want to find someone who has kids as a part of their life plan plus that.

[lostandhurt]

Don't settle, don't give up your dreams and don't rationalize this like it is somehow your fault. Sure you could have gotten a little more clarification from him earlier on but it sounds like he was being vague if he truly wanted more children or not.

 

All other things aside the not wanting more kids thing is a deal breaker right?

 

Lost

[Redabc123]

Update: since I last posted things had been going well. We began talking on the phone, he was attentive. The last week I saw him we spent the weekend before my birthday together where he lives which is about 40 min from me. The only thing I wanted to do was go to the beach for my birthday it's about 5 miles from his place. He said we would go. We never went. He instead to took me to dinner. I was alittle bummed but had a good time spending time with him. He didn't get me a gift or a card which was kind of disappointing but I shrugged it off. Things started to get kind of strange this week. I have been very sick with a stomach bug that began Monday I didn't text or call because I was in bed sick, he never reached out to me. I didn't think anything of it figured he was busy, Tuesday still didn't hear from him so I reached out and he seemed happy to hear from me. Wednesday he reached out asked how I was doing I was still pretty sick we chatted for a bit. I reached out to him that evening but I heard nothing back. I texted him that morning to wish him a good day he texted back that his brother was in town and he sent me a couple of pics. Friday I reached out again texted him to have a good day we texted back and forth everything seemed fine and then he said I hope you have a good weekend. I'm confused because the next day it was my birthday and he has never said that. I didn't text back. He texted me Saturday on my birthday and said " hey sweetie just wanted to wish you a happy birthday" I replied back asking how his day was but I he didn't return my text. His text was very dry not like normal. I knew something was wrong I texted again that day and got nothing back. I asked him the next day if he needed space ( I know bad move) he didn't reply I have not heard from him since I think I messed up. I don't know why he is ignoring me. I'm pretty sure he wants to break up I'm trying to stay calm and not over react I can't force someone to be with me. I don't want to delete pics off of social media because it's dramatic but I don't know what to do and I'm really confused. Any advice how to deal with this?