Advice needed.. again. Dating divorced man with 3 kids

[Redabc123]

Im back again lol a lot has happened since my last post. If you any of you have been following my story. I begin dating a guy about 4 months ago who has been divorced twice and has 3 kids. I was really cautious at first because I felt like he might come with a lot of baggage, not to mention I had a lot of paranoia and anxiety going to it due to insecurity and failed relationships in the past. Since then I have gotten a lot better with my anxiety it has actually gone away a lot. My last post was basically about our communication since we have been dating we have never spoken on the phone all communication besides of course seeing each other in person has been through text. I was hoping that would stop but didn't know how to ask with out sounding needy. That hasn't changed everything is still through text Speeding up to now: My mother was recently diagonsed with breast cancer so my concern has been with her and her needs. Lucky it is at a stage 0 so she is going to have surgery to have it removed and will be ok, he was there during this time which I appreciate but comfort was coming through text I was hoping he would have picked up the phone.

 

During this time it had gotten busy for us. He had decided to move out of his fathers place which her did earlier this week and since the moving he has been kind of distant not returning text or flaking on seeing me. We have been seeing each other once a week which I am ok with but this week while he was in the process of moving I offered to help with the move and he didn't take me up on the offer, He stated on Wednesday that we could maybe see each other Saturday and he mentioned it again on Friday. We not only didn't see each other he didn't even tell me we weren't until I asked I waited around all day which was partially my fault I shouldn't have. He then said he wanted to postpone until the next day and then decided to do something with his kids instead. At this point I was frustrated so in a calm manner I texted him that we need to talk over the phone about communication because I felt like it was a little off he replied that he wanted to see me that night and I said ok to let me know what time because I had to get up early the next morning. He said he would I didn't hear from him until 8:30 at night with him asking if I could come over which is a 40 min drive. I knew I shouldn't have gone but I did want to see him and his new place. I ended up going we had sex and watched a half a movie and went to sleep. I was really hoping that we would talk so when I woke up the next morning I tried to and he said everything was fine and was just busy with the move and he said our distance didn't help I asked if distance was a problem and he said no so I asked him why he mentioned it and he said he knows it can be hard. It didn't seem like he wanted to gage in the conversation and he quickly showed me some things around his apartment said he had to pick up his kids kissed me goodbye and I drove home feeling sad not at all what I was expecting. I texted him later that day and I got no response its the next day and I am feeling awful and worried. Should leave him alone? Also it doesn't seem like he wants to me to really meet his kids. We attend a bbq together a couple of weeks ago and it was his weekend with his kids there were a lot of adults there he had his kids inside the house while everyone was outside the whole time we together he never asked me if I wanted to meet them. They wondered outside when they weren't supposed to and he introduced me very briefly as " daddys friend" he took them back inside and I felt like if they never came out he would have never introduced me Here are my concerns:

 

> Is it normal not to introduce someone your dating to your kids after 4 months and never mention when?

> Is him not wanting me to help with him moving or flaking on us seeing each other a red flag?

> is him not replying to texts a red flag?

> Is it right for me to take a step back?

> Is he taking me for granted?

 

I like him so Im not really sure what to do. I have really worked hard on my anxiety and he has really gotten better so Im trying not take a step back. I have also been really occupied with work and hobbies so I am not entirely focused on him, this is combination of a the last month. Any advice will be great.

[mhowe]

4 months is way too early to meet the kids.

Moving is stressful and should allow for space. Also, assume his kids and family were around for the move.

 

Lastly...texting or talking today is kinda the same. Wait to have that talk when things have calmed down, not in the middle of a stressful move.

 

Where do you get he is taking you for granted? Because you drove to his place? HE JUST MOVED!

[Redabc123]

4 months is way too early to meet the kids.

Moving is stressful and should allow for space. Also, assume his kids and family were around for the move.

 

Lastly...texting or talking today is kinda the same. Wait to have that talk when things have calmed down, not in the middle of a stressful move.

 

Where do you get he is taking you for granted? Because you drove to his place? HE JUST MOVED!

 

 

Hey Mhowe I was actually scared of your response lol. I don't think he taking me for granted because I drove but I waited around all day Saturday thinking we were going to hang out I felt like it was inconsiderate on his part because he never told me weren't until I asked him same goes for Sunday. I think he may think Im too nice. I do a lot of nice things for him which I enjoy but I don't want him to just expect me to be this nice.

 

I assumed 4 months was too early I just though id ask

 

He mentioned that when things weren't so hectic we could revisit everything and celebrate my new promotion ( which I got on last Friday) I have no idea what that means, and since I didn't hear back from him I'm kind of thinking that revisting was a bad thing he said he has been all over the place. I tried to offer help with moving so it wouldn't be stressful. I don't know if Im being selfish or what

[Asb682]

Yea 4 months definitely to early to introduce you to his kids, I think it was big of him to even take you to a BBQ where his kids would be.

 

As for the other stuff, it might be the move that he's stressed over, so him acting this way may be temporary. See how it goes for the next couple of weeks, only time will tell.

[Redabc123]

Yea 4 months definitely to early to introduce you to his kids, I think it was big of him to even take you to a BBQ where his kids would be.

 

As for the other stuff, it might be the move that he's stressed over, so him acting this way may be temporary. See how it goes for the next couple of weeks, only time will tell.

 

Thanks for the advice Should I just not contact him and wait for him to contact me? Yesterday he was bbqing so he wasn't moving why wouldn't he text me back?

[lostandhurt]

I don't know.

 

Do you feel like the relationship is growing or stagnant?

 

Texting does not replace actual voice conversations because the other person is not all there, they answer when they want. Is there a reason you can't call him?

 

To me it looks like he is steering this relationship and you are along for the ride.

 

What do you want?

 

To answer your questions:

4 months is to early to meet children.

Moving can be stressful and he may have not wanted you to see all his stuff strewn about for all to see.

Depending how long it takes for him to reply to a text yes it can ne a red flag.

A step back? How about you continue making your life a priority and slow things down in your mind. If you don't feel like you are growing closer then re-evaluate.

It seems like he is assuming a lot. Maybe not taking you for granted but not being very understanding of your time and feelings. Next time he wants to see you late like that HE can drive over to see you instead of you going to see him.

 

All in all he doesn't sound like he is all that invested in the relationship to me.

 

Lost

[Redabc123]

Thank you.. All of those things I was afraid of hearing. It doesn't feel like he is that invested. Before the move I felt like we were growing closer, he was more attentive and we were doing things together, speaking into the future of the things we want to do. Since we talk every day morning and 90 percent of the time at night I think its a red flag that I hadn't talked to him all day even more of a red flag that he didn't care. I agree with meeting his children but the situation was a tad bit awkward especially since I know they were there.

 

There isn't a reason I can't call I just don't want to keep initiating things, which is a lame excuse. I think I expected him to know a lot more since he 4 years older than me and have been married twice. I guess I shouldn't have assumed. I try to open up yesterday and tell him he can always be honest with me and tell me things but it didn't seem like he wanted to gage the conversation.

 

Something feels off. I guess I will just take a step back but Im a little worried that it will make things worse

 

I want for him to be more attentive and considerate, spend more time together, talk on the phone and grow together. Not sure if that is asking for too much

[ParisPaulette]

I've been that divorced parent with 3 kids. At four months he is simply not ready to move as fast as you are. He is still just dating you, he hasn't actually made up his mind whether or not to let you meet his kids, to risk getting all of you close only to then decide this isn't something he wants after all. He has done pretty much everything I did with guys when I was dating. I learned the hard way after the first time to hold everyone off for at least six months since during that six months I'd get to know them, get to see whether or not we could potentially make anything last, and whether they were comfortable going at that slow of a pace. And as a busy parent who hates texting anyways everything took priority over texting back someone I wasn't totally sure I was going to let into my hectic life anyways.

 

Now, I will state that within that four to six month window frame if I really liked the guy I would still be in touch with them regularly, I'd make an effort, and I'd be opening up to them. If I was on the fend though, nope. I'd date them and other people too and if they didn't like it that was their issue to deal with, not mine. Sorry to be blunt, but he isn't ready for something big and fast and solid with you. And if after four months he's not initiating contact with you more and increasing his communications with you then it doesn't look good. It's probably more of an "Yeah, she'll do when I have time" but he's not looking for anything serious from you at this point.

 

It's a good idea to pull back and go date other fellows honestly. Married twice with kids coupled with all of the other things you detail screams "not even close to ready for commitment." That does not preclude him wanting to have fun and to date you now and again just to enjoy having a social life. But it's not the same as a commitment.

 

Time to move on if you want more, this man's dance card is already pretty full and it doesn't include you beyond the occasional date. You aren't asking too much for wanting someone who wants the same things you want, not at all. But I think you are asking too much of this particular man who clearly isn't on the same page in terms of a relationship and what that should consist of.

[Redabc123]

Oh wow! I didn't think it was this bad, or at least I was hoping it wasn't. I was hoping that him introducing me to his friends and family was moving in the right direction but I guess not. Im so mad at him now. I feel so stupid especially since he knew exactly what I was looking for. So now what ? Do I break up with him? It sucks because don't feel like I'm ready to but Im so embarrassed at this point that I thought things were going good until now and now Its like were never on the same page. Since you have been through this before your advice would be greatly appreciated .

[mhowe]

It is moving in the right direction. It just isn't movie g at the pace you wanted. I am sure he wants a committed long term relationship at some point. I don't see he is leading you on. I assume you knew he had 3 kids from the start. Their lives take priority over his dating life. And I don't think he would have introduced you to friends and family if it wasn't serious.

 

If this week of the move is an anomaly with regard to time pent together and communication...then take it for what it is. An exhausting and stress filled week.

[Redabc123]

It is moving in the right direction. It just isn't movie g at the pace you wanted. I am sure he wants a committed long term relationship at some point. I don't see he is leading you on. I assume you knew he had 3 kids from the start. Their lives take priority over his dating life. And I don't think he would have introduced you to friends and family if it wasn't serious.

 

If this week of the move is an anomaly with regard to time pent together and communication...then take it for what it is. An exhausting and stress filled week.

 

Thanks, but he is done moving all of his stuff is moved in and he wasn't doing anything involving moving yesterday he was a bbq with friends and kids. To not speak to me all day made it kind of wrong not to mention not replying to my text or saying anything to me today am I over reacting? should I just stay quiet?

 

I don't mind not seeing him if he is busy I understand but to not speak to me makes no sense. He chose to move, he wanted to. I have moved before and still communicated with people

[mhowe]

Look...just because you are dati g doesn't mean his free time belongs solely to you. In addition, he lives 35 miles away.

 

If this relationship is causing you this much anxiety because he didn't return a text or make time for you last week, then end it. I don't see that he is out.of line nor taking you for granted.

 

You might be better suited to a childless guy whose sole interest is being in a relationship. Not a man who has a full plate and wants a relationship.

[Redabc123]

Look...just because you are dati g doesn't mean his free time belongs solely to you. In addition, he lives 35 miles away.

 

If this relationship is causing you this much anxiety because he didn't return a text or make time for you last week, then end it. I don't see that he is out.of line nor taking you for granted.

 

You might be better suited to a childless guy whose sole interest is being in a relationship. Not a man who has a full plate and wants a relationship.

 

I don't think all his focus should be on me at all I'm just trying to take in all the advice. If its no cause to worry then thats fine I just don't want to over react or make a fool out of myself. Things have fine overall but I don't want to blindsided by a break up or putting in more effort because honestly at times I feel like I am.

[mhowe]

Then my vote is to chill out, relax...and let him do some initiating. Its not.like you live in the same town a d can just stop by. Continue with your life and make plans when he calls.

[Redabc123]

Then my vote is to chill out, relax...and let him do some initiating. Its not.like you live in the same town a d can just stop by. Continue with your life and make plans when he calls.

 

I understand. He doesn't call just text lol my plan is if I do hear from him to just tell him to call me instead of texting back. I feel like I may have been a little to needy this weekend so maybe he needs space.

[mhowe]

No. When you see him next, have the call vs text chat. Don't "tell" him anything. Discuss your prefererences and why and listen to his and find a compromise.

 

And it would appear from your lists that this "too needy" keeps cropping up. You have only been dating 4 months and you are trying to get these arbitrary things (official gf title, daily communication) as though this is a 4 YEAR committed relationship.

 

Relax. He sounds like a nice guy...a busy guy. And interested in you if you can calm your anxiety.

[Redabc123]

No. When you see him next, have the call vs text chat. Don't "tell" him anything. Discuss your prefererences and why and listen to his and find a compromise.

 

And it would appear from your lists that this "too needy" keeps cropping up. You have only been dating 4 months and you are trying to get these arbitrary things (official gf title, daily communication) as though this is a 4 YEAR committed relationship.

 

 

Relax. He sounds like a nice guy...a busy guy. And interested in you if you can calm your anxiety.

 

He is, I was kind proud of myself for getting my anxiety under control until now. I was disappointed that I even had to contact him this weekend to ask if we were still on for hanging out, I just felt like he shouldn't have let me think we were hanging out especially when he told me he would. I texted him last night that I hope he has having fun with his family and although there is no need to reply he usually does or I do when he text me. I guess it was just weird since I hadn't heard from him all day. I do need to relax in general

[Asb682]

He is, I was kind proud of myself for getting my anxiety under control until now. I was disappointed that I even had to contact him this weekend to ask if we were still on for hanging out, I just felt like he shouldn't have let me think we were hanging out especially when he told me he would. I texted him last night that I hope he has having fun with his family and although there is no need to reply he usually does or I do when he text me. I guess it was just weird since I hadn't heard from him all day. I do need to relax in general

 

Yes he shouldn't have done those things, but that's not grounds for breaking up. No relationship is perfect, he'll make mistakes and so will you...you cant panick everytime these things happen. Has he contacted you today yet?

[Redabc123]

Yes he shouldn't have done those things, but that's not grounds for breaking up. No relationship is perfect, he'll make mistakes and so will you...you cant panick everytime these things happen. Has he contacted you today yet?

 

Yes he did he texted and asked how my day was going. I texted him back. Still no plans to see each other but I won't bring it up

[Batya33]

If after four months of serious dating you are still feeling insecure about how often he calls you, sees you and where you stand in his life then I think this is not the right guy/right relationship for you.

[ParisPaulette]

It's not that it's that bad, it's just that you both are not on the same page in terms of where the relationship is right now and where it may be going. And I'm just going off of what you said, because that's all the information I have to go on. Also I'm confused now, you say he's introduced you to family and friends, but I thought he hadn't introduced you to his kids? What family and friends are we talking about?

 

Really this just sounds like at four months out you feel it should be further along than it is and he is likely clueless you feel this way or is still just very much in the dating stage. Have you both had the exclusive talk or even the where is this thing going talk? Because if not yeah, it's about time.

 

I didn't mean to freak you out, but you were the one who made it sound like he's losing interest and/or moving too slow for your liking. My point simply was if you want a full-on relationship right this minute he may not be there yet or even any time soon. Neither of you is wrong in what you're doing, but if it's a mismatch that needs to be addressed. Talking to him about it should help sort things out though one way or another and you need to do that if for no other reason than to make sure you're on the same page and timeline for any relationship. At four months out though yes I agree with Batya, you shouldn't be feeling this insecure.

[Ms Darcy]

From what you describe, I.agree with Lost that he doesn't sound very invested. I personally wouldn't proceed with a twice divorced man with kids if marriage in the nearish future was my goal.

[chickadeedee]

OK, my take on this is that this is a guy whose already been divorced TWICE and has 3 kids. So he'll be in no rush at all to re-marry and get serious with a woman UNLESS she offers a significant advantage like you bringing a lot of money into the relationship (high paying job, inherited money) to make the marriage really attractive to him on multiple levels. Right now he probably views marriage as the potential for another divorce and more child support payments that he well can't afford.

 

And he may be divorced twice for significant reasons (cheater, emotionally distant, self centered, etc.).

 

So you have to focus on what it is you REALLY want from a relationship and determine whether your goals and values are similar to his.

 

The things that would concern me are that not only has he been divorced twice, but he also is only seeing you once a week at most. At 4 months, he should be spending a lot more time with you than that if what he is looking for is a serious and committed relationship, as in weekends when he doesn't have the kids, maybe once during the week. If he is seeing you only once a week for an evening at most, he is keeping this relationship on very low simmer and perhaps is seeing you just enough to get his sexual needs met but not really enmesh you in his life. And at once a week, there's still a chance he is dating other women at the same time you don't know about.

 

So his pattern now is more about 'casual dating' than 'relationship.' And I'm not sure that a man who has already been divorced twice with 3 kids is the best choice for a single girl who probably wants to marry and start a family. There are many divorced men who already have multiple divorces under their belts who will just be casual daters for the rest of their lives (or until past child rearing years) rather than risking another marriage followed by divorce.

[Redabc123]

Thank you, thats my fear is that he isn't invested. It feels like he put in some work in the beginning to get my attention and is now just going with the flow. At the beginning he would make more of effort seeing me when he didn't have his kids, seeing me more than once a week. We agreed to be exclusive so if he is seeing other then he cheating on me. I feel like he is doing just enough to keep me here but me needs aren't being met. When I asked him about his past marriages he stated that they fell apart, just didn't work but he remains good friends with both woman which I guess is normal? When I asked when we first started dating if he was open to marriage again he said he was, but your response makes so much more sense. He is probably dating me out of fulfillment for his needs and isn't thinking about mine. It sucks because it seem like things other relationships are going good for me ( new job promo, new car, new place). At this point I don't know what to do because I do like him

[Redabc123]

If after four months of serious dating you are still feeling insecure about how often he calls you, sees you and where you stand in his life then I think this is not the right guy/right relationship for you.

 

Thats what I am afraid of. I don't know if this normal behavior. and to think I though I had it together lol