Advice needed.. again. Dating divorced man with 3 kids

[Redabc123]

He did introduce me to his family and all of his friends and we have all hung out quite a few times. But he hasn't really introduced me to his kids just in passing because I was at the bbq with him but his kids just happen to wonder out of the room when I was there and they were supposed to be sleep. I can understand him not wanting me to "formally" meet them if he isn't sure where this is going. I honestly don't know if he is losing interest or not if this normal behavior when dating a man that is divorced and already has kids. You made a lot of sense in your post regarding him just not taking things as serious as me. Although we haven't had a talk. Going into this he knew what I was looking for so Im wondering why he even pursued it if he wasn't looking for the same...hmmm

[chickadeedee]

Do you really think a man with two divorces under his belt and 3 kids (and child support payments) is going to want to marry again (soon) and have a couple more kids? I would be very surprised if that was the case.

 

and why did he pursue it? Because i think most men know if they announce they're just interested in casual dating and don't want to marry again and have more kids, they will seriously reduce their chances of getting women to go out with them. It's bait and switch to get their needs met, as in, 'sure, i want the same things you do'. Then once you're on the hook it becomes 'sorry, i'm sooooo busy but of course i want to be with you' meanwhile you don't see them all that much or get enmeshed with their lives/kids as a way to pace it and slow it down. They know you'll eventually get to the point where you'll expect them to commit, and they know at that point they'll have to move on since they don't want to marry again or have more kids, but they'll milk it as long as they can before they are forced to trade you in for someone new because you are demanding more than they want to give (and expecting marriage and kids of your own in the mix).

 

I wouldn't waste too much time with this if this is the best he can do. Very few men these days after two divorces and 3 kids will want to sign up for more kids and another marriage (unless the women swears she wants to remain childless, and brings money into the marriage to help support his kids from a prior marriage).

[Batya33]

But you said that two months ago or so you did have a talk and he said he wanted to be exclusive and potentially serious, right?

 

I agree with Chickadee - you two are in different worlds and your expectations are too far apart.

[Redabc123]

But you said that two months ago or so you did have a talk and he said he wanted to be exclusive and potentially serious, right?

 

I agree with Chickadee - you two are in different worlds and your expectations are too far apart.

 

Yes he did say he wanted to be exclusive but neither on of us mentioned serious, I thought that would come with time.. So do think its best that I cut ties with him?

[chickadeedee]

I would suggest that you sit him down and talk to him and tell him that this seeing each other once a week just isn't cutting it for you because what you wanted was a serious relationship leading to commitment rather than casual dating. Tell him what you want from him and see if he is willing to agree to it (i.e., spending weekends with him when he doesn't have the kids, seeing him one evening during the week on weeks when he does). And I think if he is interested in a serious relationship, he could introduce you to a few outings with his kids as Daddy's friend after 4-6 months together. No snuggling/cuddling/PDA with Daddy around the kids early on, but some fun outings with them like the park, zoo, movies, dinner etc. to see if you think you'll get along with each other.

 

Btw, being exclusive doesn't matter if you never see him or he's looking for a different type of relationship than you are. Don't confuse exclusivity with the desire for a permanent, committed relationship. Just because he's exclusive doesn't mean he intends to make this permanent.

 

And you need to have a talk about what his ultimate goals are. Does he see himself marrying again and having more kids? If so, how soon? Timeframe is VERY important because you don't want to wait around years while he pretends to want to marry when he really doesn't. I personally think if someone isn't ready to get engaged by 2 years, they don't really want to marry at all.

 

If you don't like any of the answers, move on. And if he doesn't change his behavior in response to you asking for more time with him, then move on soon.

[Redabc123]

Thank you for the advice, I think this is a great idea. Im nervous but I know its the right thing to do. Im trying to figure when to have this conversation I want to do it sooner rather than later. He has his kids this weekend so I don't know when. I don't want to ask because I don't him to think something is wrong. Any suggestions?

[chickadeedee]

btw, if you get the nebulous, 'i do want to commit, just not now, not sure when' answer, that's pretty much a no and just more stalling. So move on.

[chickadeedee]

I think if you are afraid to even ask for a meeting to discuss something that is important to you and on his mind, and he either stalls you or refuses to have that discussion, then that in itself is a big problem. You have a perfect right to talk to him about what's on your mind any day of the week, including week days, and if he can't even make time for that, then he's not into a serious relationship and shouldn't be pretending that he is.

 

He's got the kids this weekend? Then he can meet you tonight or tomorrow.

 

btw, something IS wrong if you've been dating 4 months and he only sees you one evening a week. Sorry, but that's the reality. He's more like a FWB or casual date if that is the best he can do.

[Asb682]

Thank you for the advice, I think this is a great idea. Im nervous but I know its the right thing to do. Im trying to figure when to have this conversation I want to do it sooner rather than later. He has his kids this weekend so I don't know when. I don't want to ask because I don't him to think something is wrong. Any suggestions?

 

Well when do you typically see him on the weekends he has his kids?

 

Bring this up the next time you see him face to face.

[Batya33]

Yes he did say he wanted to be exclusive but neither on of us mentioned serious, I thought that would come with time.. So do think its best that I cut ties with him?

 

I agree with what Chickadee wrote. I thought you two talked about being exclusive (as opposed to just sexually monogamous) and serious.

[Redabc123]

I think if you are afraid to even ask for a meeting to discuss something that is important to you and on his mind, and he either stalls you or refuses to have that discussion, then that in itself is a big problem. You have a perfect right to talk to him about what's on your mind any day of the week, including week days, and if he can't even make time for that, then he's not into a serious relationship and shouldn't be pretending that he is.

 

He's got the kids this weekend? Then he can meet you tonight or tomorrow.

 

btw, something IS wrong if you've been dating 4 months and he only sees you one evening a week. Sorry, but that's the reality. He's more like a FWB or casual date if that is the best he can do.

 

I hasn't always been that way only for the last two weeks due before then it was twice a week or on the weekends when he didn't have his kids. He has his kids tonight too so Ill ask if he is free tomorrow. Im not afraid to ask just worried, it may not be the response I'm looking for which is ok just means I need to move on. Its best that I find out now instead of getting my feelings more involved.

[Redabc123]

I agree with what Chickadee wrote. I thought you two talked about being exclusive (as opposed to just sexually monogamous) and serious.

 

We did, and we both agreed to be a couple/date/ be exclusive and that we were looking forward to seeing where it would go

[mhowe]

I think you are getting mixed advice on here because you make it sound like things aren't progressing.

 

They are. You have been dating less than 4 months (or whenever you became "official"). He was prepping for the move, and moving so less responsive and time off (as well he was out of town). Also, he has his kids every other weekend, and it is way too soon to officially meet them as daddy's gf. plus that really knocks the dating down to actual time (only every other weekend).

 

I personally think having another talk about "status" when the last one was a month ago and he had a business trip and a move ---- is seeming very needy.

 

If you don't want to date a divorced dad ----- that is an issue. But pushing when he is comfortable having you sleep over when he has his kids is really his choice. And hence precludes 2 weekends a month.

[Redabc123]

Thanks Mhowe your right, sorry for the confusion I just honestly only had questions if this was normal or not. Your advice alway is straight to the point and honest which I really appreciate. Thank you!

[mhowe]

He has introduced you to friends and family, had you to his home ---- and in fact, intro'd you as a friend. ALL POSITIVE.

 

Since you started dating/being a couple --- "the talk" ----- (which he already assumed you were a couple, but you clarified) ----- he had a business trip and then getting ready to move and moving.

 

I think he is "all in". And I think YOU need to enjoy the time, not worry if he steps out of "norm" in a week with a holiday weekend and kids, etc.

Life is always going to throw curve balls.

 

Be more adaptive ---- and be more confident that he cares about you and is moving this forward.

[JA0371]

I couldn't deal with someone who wouldn't even want to call me . Texting is a ridiculous form of communication, and should never replace a real life phone call...texting between phone calls is ok but it should never be primary form of communication.

 

That said..it sounds like this guy is not at all emotionally invested in this. Not to the degree you are. That may change or it may not, but I wouldn't put my life on hold for him. Date others.

 

As for the kids....yes four months is way too soon to be meeting them.

[Asb682]

He has introduced you to friends and family, had you to his home ---- and in fact, intro'd you as a friend. ALL POSITIVE.

 

Since you started dating/being a couple --- "the talk" ----- (which he already assumed you were a couple, but you clarified) ----- he had a business trip and then getting ready to move and moving.

 

I think he is "all in". And I think YOU need to enjoy the time, not worry if he steps out of "norm" in a week with a holiday weekend and kids, etc.

Life is always going to throw curve balls.

 

Be more adaptive ---- and be more confident that he cares about you and is moving this forward.

 

Yea I agree. I dated a divorced father of two, and honestly was treated the same way you are. This is the price you pay when you date a single parent, you have to come to terms with it, or move on. Generally single parents move at a slower pace because there are children involved.

 

In the end it didn't work out for me because I was significantly younger than him and wanted children, he didn't want anymore kids.

[Redabc123]

Yea I agree. I dated a divorced father of two, and honestly was treated the same way you are. This is the price you pay when you date a single parent, you have to come to terms with it, or move on. Generally single parents move at a slower pace because there are children involved.

 

In the end it didn't work out for me because I was significantly younger than him and wanted children, he didn't want anymore kids.

 

How long did you date before you found that out?

[Batya33]

I knew whether the man wanted to have children within the first four dates or less. When I was in my early 20s it might have been a little longer but typically I knew generally that the guy wanted to have children.

[Asb682]

How long did you date before you found that out?

 

We dated about 5 months, he initially told me he wasn't opposed to having one more child, but as I got to know him more, it became evident in the things he said and did that he really didn't want anymore kids (which he finally reluctantly admitted to me) and I didn't want to waste anymore of my time.

[lostandhurt]

So perhaps some clarification from him would be in order don't you think?

 

No matter how you look at this the lack of communication is a huge red flag in my male opinion. Not responding to texts, no real phone calls and just leaving you hanging is not cool. Heck I don't even treat acquaintances like that!!!

 

When you do finally talk to him please make sure you are not all riled up or anxious. Calm, collected and knowing what you want to say is the best way to get somewhere with a man. If you nail him down so he can't get away that helps to. Not literally of course but after dinner sitting on the couch cuddling or another time where you can talk without being interrupted. If you try after sex he may feel like he is being ambushed and close up.

 

Definitely talking things out without being needy or clingy and you should feel a lot better.

 

Good luck and most of all RELAX a little.

 

Lost

[mhowe]

OP?...you already know he isn't planning on more kids. He shared the TMI of the big V within a few dates. Were you thinking of having kids with him?

[Asb682]

OP?...you already know he isn't planning on more kids. He shared the TMI of the big V within a few dates. Were you thinking of having kids with him?

 

Well that settles that question lol

[Redabc123]

OP?...you already know he isn't planning on more kids. He shared the TMI of the big V within a few dates. Were you thinking of having kids with him?

 

I want kids but he did say it can be reversed. I don't know what to do I like him but it seems like I have gotten myself in this especially since I knew all of this prior to dating him exclusively. Shaking my head lol

[Asb682]

I want kids but he did say it can be reversed. I don't know what to do I like him but it seems like I have gotten myself in this especially since I knew all of this prior to dating him exclusively. Shaking my head lol

 

Umm I would take him having a vasectomy to mean that he absolutely does not want kids! Yes they are reversible but I believe even after the reversal your chances of getting pregnant decrease drastically. In order for the reversal to even be remotely successful it has to be done within 10 years of the vasectomy. I know this is a bit off topic, but if you really want to kids, you need to really think it over if it's worth continuing a relationship with this guy.