mhowe Posted June 15, 2015 Share Posted June 15, 2015 Don't do anything. When a guy doesn't text back it doesn't mean he needs space. It means....his brother is in town and he is busy. What you DONT do is keep texting, DONT ask if he needs space! DONT delete pics off social media and DONT think he is breaking up with you. Link to comment
Asb682 Posted June 15, 2015 Share Posted June 15, 2015 Don't do anything. When a guy doesn't text back it doesn't mean he needs space. It means....his brother is in town and he is busy. What you DONT do is keep texting, DONT ask if he needs space! DONT delete pics off social media and DONT think he is breaking up with you. I agree! While it was rude of him not to text you back, he did tell you his brother was in town as to let you know he would be preoccupied with him. Asking him if he needs space because he didn't answer your text is a bit over dramatic. Best thing to do in a situation like this is to sit back and wait for him to contact you. Link to comment
Batya33 Posted June 15, 2015 Share Posted June 15, 2015 I am going to take a hard line. If I was dating someone exclusively and he did not even give me a card for my birthday I would be done right then. Link to comment
abitbroken Posted June 15, 2015 Share Posted June 15, 2015 I am going to take a hard line. If I was dating someone exclusively and he did not even give me a card for my birthday I would be done right then. Yes, either a card, flowers, a gift that doesn't have to be expensive. Sometimes experiences are gifts if he decided to take you somewhere that it was your dream to go. But going to a restaurant when you wanted a beach is not a "gift". Link to comment
abitbroken Posted June 15, 2015 Share Posted June 15, 2015 Oh, honestly - this guy doesn't have everything sorted out in his life, takes you the opposite of anywhere you would like to go on your birthday, had a vasectomy and doesn't want more kids - I don't know why on earth you stay. There are lots of people who can be pleasant company at a movie or at dinner - but not everyone is a good marriage prospect or even good long term boyfriend. You want kids or at least the possibility (if you try and you can't conceive that is different than continuing to date a man who clearly is done having kids in a big way. So therefore, I think you should cut your losses. Link to comment
mhowe Posted June 15, 2015 Share Posted June 15, 2015 My boyfriend and I took each other out for a birthday dinner for the first 3 years we were dating....no cards, no gift. Link to comment
Batya33 Posted June 15, 2015 Share Posted June 15, 2015 My boyfriend and I took each other out for a birthday dinner for the first 3 years we were dating....no cards, no gift. I understand that when that's what both people want but I don't think he asked her and when she told him she wanted to go to the beach he ignored it (I'd understand it if he told her why he couldn't make it happen but he basically ignored it). A card is a given with rare exception especially when first dating. I do agree with that silly book The Rules on this point -if he doesn't get you a romantic gift for your birthday or valentine's day then leave. And romantic can be a cookie he baked or a card he made -nothing to do with money. Link to comment
Ms Darcy Posted June 15, 2015 Share Posted June 15, 2015 Card or no card, dude is divorced with kids and had a vasectomy ... and you want children. You should have walked away a long time ago. Link to comment
mhowe Posted June 16, 2015 Share Posted June 16, 2015 Since you have known this from the start, why are you still dating? Link to comment
Redabc123 Posted June 16, 2015 Author Share Posted June 16, 2015 I know he doesn't want to be with me that is clear. His behavior has been really disappointing.. He said when he did the vascotomy he was married and thought him and his wife at the time were done having kids. When we spoke about marriage he said he was still open to it and he hadn't shut the door. I stayed because I thought this would work because he seem to have regretted the vascotomy. We never talked in depth. This ignoring thing happened out of no where I don't know what happened. I didnt do anything to deserve this he could have at least broken up with me properly. I just need to know what to do to get over this. It's been about 3 days since I have heard anything from him. I'm pretty sure it's over. But since there was no closure I'm hurt and want to heal as quick as possible any tips? Link to comment
abitbroken Posted June 16, 2015 Share Posted June 16, 2015 I think even if he "regrets" it, he is still someone who can't have more kids. Nothing changes that. There are perfectly nice people out there but we weed them out for various reasons - they want to move back to their home country, they are set in stone about not wanting to marry, various things that don't make them a feasible match for you. I don't think you should wait for him to properly break up with you. How to heal? Create space between him and you. Don't go to his usual haunts. Don't meet him. Don't respond. Link to comment
Batya33 Posted June 16, 2015 Share Posted June 16, 2015 I don't think this came out of nowhere. You have regularly told him that he is not doing enough to keep in touch with you and questioned him about whether he wants to be with you. He knows he cannot give you what you want. Of course he needs to tell you that in person after all this time - his ignoring you is not acceptable - but maybe he thinks he has told you in so many words and that you just didn't want to hear it. Still of course he should tell you this in person or at least by phone. Link to comment
mhowe Posted June 16, 2015 Share Posted June 16, 2015 I don't think he is breaking up with OP. He simply does not feel the need to respond to "hhave a nice day?how was your day" texts. He has acted consistently throughout. Dating adds to his alReady full life. It s not his sole focus. He is dating OP and exclusive.....OP is looking for a full fledged relationship. Link to comment
Redabc123 Posted June 16, 2015 Author Share Posted June 16, 2015 I don't think this came out of nowhere. You have regularly told him that he is not doing enough to keep in touch with you and questioned him about whether he wants to be with you. He knows he cannot give you what you want. Of course he needs to tell you that in person after all this time - his ignoring you is not acceptable - but maybe he thinks he has told you in so many words and that you just didn't want to hear it. Still of course he should tell you this in person or at least by phone. He didn't tell me in so many words. After 5 monthes of dating he should have had enough respect for me to tell me it was done. He is 33 to play this game is not fair to me especially when I have done nothing to him. I agree to the contact has been off but he has never gone not responded to me when I have reached out. How would I have assumed he wanted to break up when we're talking everything seemed fine. It extremely hurtful to just stop talking to me for no reason and not even cut ties with me properly Link to comment
Redabc123 Posted June 16, 2015 Author Share Posted June 16, 2015 I don't think he is breaking up with OP. He simply does not feel the need to respond to "hhave a nice day?how was your day" texts. He has acted consistently throughout. Dating adds to his alReady full life. It s not his sole focus. He is dating OP and exclusive.....OP is looking for a full fledged relationship. Whether I reached out or he did we spoke everyday up until last week. The only reason I asked if he wanted space is because I could sense something was off maybe it was the wrong thing to do but it made sense at the time. I feel that he is breaking up with me because he is just not responding I only sent him the two text... How is your day going and do you want space. It seems like he is going to come out winning and no hurt feelings and that is not fair. There was no huge warning up until this point. It hurts to see him posting on social media yet he can't even respond to my text. His brother isn't even here anymore so that excuse is gone. How do I get over this? I want to delete my IG so I won't have to look at his post but I feel like that may be dramatic of have me come off dramatic am I right? Link to comment
mhowe Posted June 16, 2015 Share Posted June 16, 2015 He took you out for a bday dinner , told you to enjoy the weekend, called to wish you a happy birthday and told you his brother was in town, In his book, he is not ignoring you. Link to comment
mhowe Posted June 16, 2015 Share Posted June 16, 2015 Asking someone if they are looking for space because they didn't respond to a text...is drama. Link to comment
Batya33 Posted June 16, 2015 Share Posted June 16, 2015 But understand your part in this. You were behaving in a clingy/needy way so that is "doing something" to him- it is being too self-absorbed and subjecting him to your insecurities. Of course he should call you and talk with you about what's going on but understand that playing the victim as you are is not going to help you learn for next time. You chose to be with someone whose goals are not compatible with yours so of course eventually it was going to lead to this kind of situation if you chose to stay. If you had been honest with yourself and left once he was honest with you about his long term goals (not enthusiastic about marrying again, to say the least, vasectomy, etc) then you wouldn't have had this push-pull dynamic. You need more than he has told you he can give you and instead of walking you push him harder to give you what he already told you he doesn't choose to. Again, of course he is acting like a jerk by ignoring you but I'd focus more on learning from this for the next time than venting about his posting on social media. Link to comment
Redabc123 Posted June 16, 2015 Author Share Posted June 16, 2015 I have not behaved in a clingy way I don't talk to him that much I usually heard from him once a day. I can see how I was dramatic by asking if he needed space. He was texting me just as much as I was him at one point. We expessed that were together numerous times. By me making one statement to him I don't see how I am wrong. I come on here to vent it doesn't mean that's how I act towards him. So because I wanted some attention he wants to break up it makes no sense. I don't see how am I all to blame when before he decided to date me he knew my goals. I'm supposed to walk away because he wasn't enthusiastic about being married again when I have only known him for a 5 monthes that is way too soon for me to be asking when wants kids and when he wants to be married. We had the talk before we became exculsive. I haven't spoken to him at all. Talking to someone who is supposed to be your boyfriends is clingy? I'm just looking for advice on how to get through this my feelings are pretty hurt and I don't think I deserved this Link to comment
mhowe Posted June 16, 2015 Share Posted June 16, 2015 He hasn't said he wants to break up. That is your assumption. What he doesn't want to deal with is "are you asking for space" nonsense. He knew your goals. You knew his situation. You both decided to move forward. To explore your compatibility. Link to comment
Redabc123 Posted June 16, 2015 Author Share Posted June 16, 2015 Asking someone if they are looking for space because they didn't respond to a text...is drama. I didn't mean it to be drama but honestly I'm allowed to ask he has been distant all week not from that one day. Before he wouldn't have gone a whole day without speaking to me. He has had family in town before and he has spoken to me texted me with no problem. I was barging him with text or phone calls. He texted me happy birthday he didn't call. I thanked him for the dinner. I'm trying not to over react. He has to know something is off between us if we talk everyday now all of sudden we don't. In my past when someone has done this they don't want to be together. I don't know how else I'm supposed to respond to this. And this was an important birthday to me. I just turned 30. He knew this. Link to comment
Redabc123 Posted June 16, 2015 Author Share Posted June 16, 2015 He hasn't said he wants to break up. That is your assumption. What he doesn't want to deal with is "are you asking for space" nonsense. He knew your goals. You knew his situation. You both decided to move forward. To explore your compatibility. I asked him that because he wa acting distant all week. I didn't want to keep reaching out of he didn't want to talk. At the time it made sense. I don't understand why you would not speak to me anymore because of it. I understand that it came off dramatic and it was my insecurity. Link to comment
mhowe Posted June 16, 2015 Share Posted June 16, 2015 How is he supposed to know that 30 is "special". When my bf turned 50, and I ASKED if he wanted to do something special, he actually said he didn't want to celebrate it. So --- your expectations and his style of communication are just not in synch. I think that is what it comes down to....and I don't see a resolution. Link to comment
mhowe Posted June 16, 2015 Share Posted June 16, 2015 I asked him that because he wa acting distant all week. I didn't want to keep reaching out of he didn't want to talk. At the time it made sense. I don't understand why you would not speak to me anymore because of it. I understand that it came off dramatic and it was my insecurity. If someone is acting distance, then let them have their space. In the early years of dating my bf, every once in a while, he would "go distant". And I wouldn't hear from him over a weekend, or for a few days. And inevitably, it turned out that he was dealing with something unexpected ---- and it never occurred to him to call and let me know. Because in his head, we hadn't made any plans he was cancelling out on. I am not saying it's right ---- I am saying that if you call and he doesn't get back to you, then you just go about your normal plans. Calling someone out via text is not necessary,. and best communicated in person in a calm and rational manner. Link to comment
Redabc123 Posted June 16, 2015 Author Share Posted June 16, 2015 How is he supposed to know that 30 is "special". When my bf turned 50, and I ASKED if he wanted to do something special, he actually said he didn't want to celebrate it. So --- your expectations and his style of communication are just not in synch. I think that is what it comes down to....and I don't see a resolution. He didn't ask. I don't know if he want big into birthdays or not. At this point now I feel bad like this is all my fault. I was fine with the birthday stuff it was just the communication. Since you don't see any resolution and I have already made myself look stupid what do you think I should do? How should I handle this from this point? Link to comment
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