Sex makes her nauseous

[csdude55]

I've been talking to this woman for a little over a month, and she seems like she's really in to me. We've only been on one date (last week, ending with a hug), and haven't had any real physical contact, so most of our "relationship" has been talking online.

 

Last night, the subject of sex came up, and she stated that she doesn't like sex, at all! At first I thought she was joking (she does have a weird sense of humor), but she said that she's totally serious. She said that it's always made her a little nauseous, and after she had a child it got a lot worse. So now, even the thought of sex makes her nauseous.

 

She also said that she doesn't really like kissing or snuggling, either, though, which is a whole other concern. I don't know if she just doesn't like intimacy, physical contact, or if she subconsciously associates all of it with the sex that makes her nauseous.

 

I've researched online, and found two possible causes:

 

1. she could have a low cervix, and penetration is constantly poking it and upsetting her stomach.

 

2. the hormonal change when she orgasms could be causing it.

 

I don't know for sure that we'll get to the point of experimenting, but I realize that we can figure out which of these is the cause through oral sex or masturbation. Or, I guess I could just ask, but what fun would that be? LOL

 

My reason for posting, though, is to see if others have the same problem, and if anyone has had any successful solutions? I suspect that if the cause is #1 then gentler sex, and maybe not fully penetrating through the use of strategic positions, may help. But if the cause is #2, is there any solution other than doctor-prescribed hormone therapy?

[pippy longstocking]

Hi cs ...

 

this is how I see it ...admittedly not very favourably ...

 

you are going to end up back on here in 6 months having almost w@nked yourself into oblivion mate ... she has told you from the off .....if you want a sexually active relationship and intimacy with cuddling and kissing she is not the woman for you ... you cannot fix this ..it is not your job to work out why she is like this or how you change it ..she has unrealistic expectations and really , why is she dating !! I am not saying those with sexual problems shouldn't date ..but the reality of it is 99% of the dating population are doing it because they want sex or they want a life partner with all the frills thrown in . She doesn't sound like she wants it to change ...now if she had said she really would not like to be like this and is taking steps to help herself ..then I would have a different opinion .

 

if you want sex and intimacy ...move along ..

 

hope the others can give you better thoughts on this .

[Willywagtail]

Nope. I ain't got better thoughts.

 

She essentially told you OP, that sex with her is gonna be a whole lot of problems. Wouldn't you just rather get into it and enjoy yourself rather than worry you might be bashing her cervix, or stomach or whatever! Aaaaand, be thinking to yourself that she hates it .......?

 

Best to leave this one alone, unless you're fond of lame ducks.

[Capricorn3]

Maybe it's just her weird way of saying "dude, I really am not interested in having sex with you, ever". Who knows? Like the others above, I have no idea except that it sounds so unreal.

 

That said, kudos to her for being upfront about it from the get go - at least you know where you stand now and if you are still into sex, you can forget it with this one. Move on because this is never going to work.

[Batya33]

Since she doesn't like cuddling or kissing either this has to do with her brain/psychology and not her lady parts. She's been honest from the start so if you want a relationship including affection and potentially sex this is not the person for you. You've only met this person once -and after one date if this is what she is sharing then I would move on unless you are ok with her restrictions/boundaries.

[agent1607307371]

I don't know for sure that we'll get to the point of experimenting,

 

Mate, she just told you straight up that she doesn't like sex or any intimate physical contact. There is so many things wrong with you hearing that and then assuming that experimenting isn't totally off the plate.

 

If you want someone to have sex with, this woman is not for you at all.

[mhowe]

She didn't say "let's see what we can work around". She said she hates sex, kissing and cuddling so I think its safe to say, oral is out of the question.

 

She has stated her boundaries. Either live with them or walk.

[Clinton]

Don't kid yourself. You can't live without a sex life. It's time to seek a better candidate for a partner

[ParisPaulette]

You can want her to change all you want, but does she want to change it or explore other ways of intimacy? Because it sure doesn't sound like it to me. Unless you want to remain asexual for the rest of your days and be celibate the only way this is going to work is if you look at her in the same light you'd look at joining an order of some sort that demands total celibacy.

 

This is more than a medical issue though with her. It's true there are conditions that can cause pain during sex or difficulties, but the not even wanting any touch? That says sexual abuse or sexual trauma of some sort.

 

You're better off suggesting she see a good therapist and not date and you take a pass. OR you and she agree you can get your sexual needs met elsewhere, but that's going to take a very strong bond to not have you falling for someone else in the future who can give you everything she can't plus what she can.

 

I'm not even sure why the woman would be dating to begin with. She should be focusing on getting whatever it is handled instead or it's just not fair to the guys she dates.

[annie24]

It's only been 1 date, so I'd let this thing go. Just move on so you both can find more compatible people.

[PaintWithLight]

It's only been 1 date, so I'd let this thing go. Just move on so you both can find more compatible people.

 

^^^This. One date and she drops this bomb. Take the information on board and keep on trucking. You really want to invest time in trying to understand and then fix the situation? Why? That sounds rather desperate as if you are worried you will not encounter anyone else that will date you. There is no future here.

 

You are miles down the road here as you talk about hormone therapy or gentle positions. Why? It sounds like she has her child and now that is enough from that whole sex area. She is giving you the gift of clarity. Take it. Don't argue it with her or try and dream up a workable future.

 

Also, one date that ended with a hug after a month of contact doesn't really sound like she really into you as you state. Maybe she is trying to discourage you and end things with this bleak confession.

[zebragirl]

It's very possible she's asexual. Asexual people desire relationships but are turned off to sex and often times even any physical intimacy . Take the info she told you and don't try to fix her or solve it. Ask yourself if you can live not ever having sex, kissing , hugging. You shouldn't go into a relationship trying to problem solved.

[Capricorn3]

Also, one date that ended with a hug after a month of contact doesn't really sound like she really into you as you state. Maybe she is trying to discourage you and end things with this bleak confession.

That was my immediate impression too.

[shellyf62]

She isn't Sheldon from Big Bang Theory ??

[pippy longstocking]

She isn't Sheldon from Big Bang Theory ??

 

oh I love love love him ....

 

but for life ?? hahaha nope

[csdude55]

She actually did express interest in finding a solution.

 

Keep in mind that this girl is fairly shy. She's been divorced for 3 years and hasn't dated anyone since, so talking to me about sex is a pretty big step for her.

 

In this case, we were talking about spicy food (which we both love), and I mentioned a study that found that people that regularly eat spicy food tend to have a stronger sex drive and are better in bed. This is when she said that she doesn't like sex.

 

We had been pretty flirty before, but never had a serious and open conversation about sex, so I couldn't exactly follow up with questions about oral sex or masturbation at this point. But I asked why she didn't like it, and that's when she told me that it made her sick, especially after having her child.

 

After she logged off that night, I did some searches online, and found the information about the hitting of the cervix and hormonal changes. I sent her a message and said that I had found a few possible solutions if she was interested. The next morning, she replied with:

 

OMG, REALLY! Tell me!! lol

 

I replied with "well, some of them are things I would have to do, so I'll just have to show you ;-)"

 

She replied with "OK

 

So I don't think that she's opposed to finding a solution, she probably just didn't think that one existed.

 

But you all make an excellent point. I don't know that I'm open to (another) sexless relationship, so if it's not something she's willing to work on then I guess I really do have to move on. It's something we'll have to have a real conversation about at some point in the near future.

 

But I guess that even that is questionable; if she likes me at all then odds are that she'll say that she's willing to try, even if she's really not. So this could be something that I end up getting physically and emotionally invested, and in 6 months find that nothing has changed, and that she's really just not sexually interested.

 

I guess that's why I posted, really. I was hoping you guys could suggest some simple solutions, like maybe a type of birth control that will adjust her hormones, or even just some sexual positions that might work. If this were the case, we could find out pretty quickly if removing the nausea would renew her interest.

 

 

Also, one date that ended with a hug after a month of contact doesn't really sound like she really into you as you state. Maybe she is trying to discourage you and end things with this bleak confession.

 

That was my initial thought, too, honestly.

 

But to be fair, I didn't try for anything more than a hug, so I don't know for sure that "more" wasn't an option. We were separating in a little bit of a public locale, and she's pretty shy, so I didn't expect anything at all, really. In fact, I asked for a hug and went in for a 1-arm friendly type hug, but she put both of her arms around me in more of a loving embrace and held on for several seconds.

 

During our date, she mentioned a place in another town that she would love to visit, and asked if I would like to go with her. That would be a 1 1/2 hour drive, so this would really be us spending a full day together. I told her that I'd love to go, and she said that she'll find out the details ASAP and let me know.

 

She won't openly flirt with me (I've asked why, and she said that she's shy and nervous), but she speaks 3 languages, and she'll flirt with me if she thinks I don't understand. For example, a few days ago she said "wahashtini awiiiiii" (which means, "I miss you a LOT"), last night she said "good night, 7bbi" (which I think meant, "good night, my love"), and tonight when she logged off for the night she said "good night, ba7lam beek" ("good night, I'm dreaming of you").

 

And, she's gotten in to the habit of texting me almost as soon as she wakes up, then that evening we'll chat from around 8pm until midnight (when she goes to bed). She goes to sleep talking to me just about every night.

 

So, based on all of that, I don't think that this is an issue of her not really liking me. It's possible that she's testing me to see if my interest is more than sexual, though (she's tested me before), but I get the feeling that she's being completely sincere. Which, honestly, I'd be a lot happier if it were just a test

[Clinton]

It's a tough call. You don't want to get too invested in case she really isn't into sex or a solution to her problem can't be found. But it seems you have chemistry.

 

If it was me, and this is just how I operate, I'd have a frank discussion with her about this and try and clear up any grey areas. Then at least you have all the information to base a decision on.

 

But as nice as she is, I'd cut and run if she tried to brush this aside or downplay it.

 

And realise that medical solutions to this may not exist or may take a long time to diagnose and implement.

 

It's a difficult decision and I wish you luck with it

[csdude55]

You're exactly right, Clinton, and thank you for the advice. I tend to be upfront and open, too, so I completely agree that a frank and open discussion is in order. I'm just not sure whether to bring it up in a regular chat (when she can get embarrassed and blow it off), or wait until we are together in person (when it might seem like I've cornered her).

 

It is a tough one, though. Like you said, we seem to have chemistry, and there's a real long-term possibility here. But if we're not sexually compatible, then eventually there's going to be a problem. I don't want us to have sex, and THEN find out it's not going to work; everything will be a thousand times easier (for both of us) if we can resolve it now instead of later.

 

For anyone else having this problem, I spoke with a holistic doctor friend, and he suggested a supplement of turmeric and ginger (1g each, daily), taken with a fatty meal and preferably with black pepper, might alleviate the nausea. She'll need to start the daily supplement about 2 weeks ahead of time, and if it works then she'll need to continue taking it daily.

[annie24]

taking turmeric, ginger, and a fatty meal will make nausea go away? that seems nausea inducing to me! I don't know this woman or what her deal is. Some people just don't have an interest in sex - about 1-2% of the population is estimated to be asexual. She reproduced, so maybe that's all she needs. I don't know if you can work it out with her or not. Personally, I don't know if it's really worth devoting a lot of time to making this work from the get-go. It's not like this is your high school sweetheart. You just met this woman.

[shellyf62]

In this case, we were talking about spicy food (which we both love), and I mentioned a study that found that people that regularly eat spicy food tend to have a stronger sex drive and are better in bed

 

Bollocks LOL

I don't eat spicy food as I have a hiatus hernia but I have a high sex drive & I am good in bed

[reinventmyself]

Having sexual intercourse and kissing & cuddling are two different things and she happens to not care for either.

You are online looking at cervix's but these things are symptoms of something much bigger.

Take your focus off her lady parts and look at her head. . Her distain over these types of physical intimacy is most likely an emotional issue.

You are not equipped to diagnose or fix this and nor should you want to.

Sounds like you have new friend though. Not sure why she's on a dating website. .Meet ups maybe but not dating.

Hold out for a happy, available par

[HeartGoesOn]

Isn't it a bit soon to be looking for a solution to her sexual preferences after only one date? Unless I'm missing something, I'm confused as to where you're going with this?

[csdude55]

taking turmeric, ginger, and a fatty meal will make nausea go away? that seems nausea inducing to me!

 

Haha Interestingly enough, I started eating spicy food a few years ago, and have slowly built up to where I eat hotter and hotter food. I really have noticed a major change from it. My metabolism is faster, I've lost body fat (about 20lbs worth), my testosterone levels are higher, my sex drive is higher. I even have less gray hair!

 

It's supposedly a natural blood thinner, too, so it can potentially help people with high blood pressure. I don't have that particular problem, though, so I can't swear by it.

 

 

I don't know this woman or what her deal is. Some people just don't have an interest in sex - about 1-2% of the population is estimated to be asexual. She reproduced, so maybe that's all she needs. I don't know if you can work it out with her or not. Personally, I don't know if it's really worth devoting a lot of time to making this work from the get-go. It's not like this is your high school sweetheart. You just met this woman.

 

You may be right. I know that we've had some sexual flirting in the past, and we've exchanged PG-13 pictures, which she seemed to like and encourage. But whether she was feigning interest for my benefit is a real concern.

 

 

Bollocks LOL

I don't eat spicy food as I have a hiatus hernia but I have a high sex drive & I am good in bed

 

To be fair, I was just using the article as an excuse to get her to talk about sex... which backfired, terribly! LOL And I did embellish the outcome of the study a little. But still, here's the article I was using:

 

link removed

 

There's a question of whether eating spicy food causes the higher testosterone levels, or if it's just that men with higher levels eat spicier foods.

 

In my case, I know that increasing the heat was directly proportionate to my sex drive. BUT, my body fat went down at the same time, which could have had a direct impact, too.

 

 

Having sexual intercourse and kissing & cuddling are two different things and she happens to not care for either.

You are online looking at cervix's but these things are symptoms of something much bigger.

Take your focus off her lady parts and look at her head. . Her distain over these types of physical intimacy is most likely an emotional issue.

You are not equipped to diagnose or fix this and nor should you want to.

 

You're 100% correct. That's one of the reasons I was turning to the masses for advise, to see if others with this experience could say whether their dislike for physical intimacy was related to the physical discomfort. My guess is that ONE is the cause and the OTHER is a symptom, but which is which?

 

This is a pretty unique situation for me, I think. You guys are right that I'm probably not wise to pursue a relationship if we know ahead of time that we're not sexually compatible, but if this ONE issue is the only real problem, and it turns out to be a minor physical issue that can be fixed, then I would like to pursue it.

 

But at the same time, you're right that it's not like I'm in a position to diagnose anything, or encourage her to go to a doctor or anything.

 

It's a catch-22; I don't want to move forward with this glaring problem, but I don't want to give up if the problem turns out to be minor. But I can't find out if it's minor unless I move forward.

 

 

Sounds like you have new friend though. Not sure why she's on a dating website. .Meet ups maybe but not dating.

Hold out for a happy, available par

 

Isn't it a bit soon to be looking for a solution to her sexual preferences after only one date? Unless I'm missing something, I'm confused as to where you're going with this?

 

I'm going to answer both of those together, since the answer is basically the same for both.

 

I should have been more clear. She and I have been friends for about a year, we've hung out in groups several times, and we've always been pretty flirty. We were talking about going out several months ago, but I got caught up on another romantic tangle and we lost touch. Which, frankly, was a good idea on her part, because I was really in bad shape.

 

She sent me a message near the end of March to say hi, and we've been talking just about every day ever since. We had talked about going on a real date several times, but she works 2 jobs and has a young kid so it's been hard for our schedules to match up.

 

So, I guess the point is that it's not like I met a girl in a bar or on a dating website on Thursday, we went out on Friday, and now I'm trying to solve her sexual problems. Instead, this is a girl that I've had a flirty and semi-romantic connection with for about a year. I know her family and friends, she knows mine, and I don't think any of them would be surprised if we became an official couple in the near future.

[reinventmyself]

Well, that makes more sense. Curiosity is ok and you like her. So there! Interested to see how this plays out.

[zebragirl]

The thing is though, if the issue was really a minor one to fix why wouldn't she have fixed it already? The fact she hasn't is an indication that it's not just a pain issue but an internal drive or sexual disinterest. Someone who likes sex but has pain would be frustrated and seek medical attention