maaraishuk Posted May 2, 2015 Share Posted May 2, 2015 Im not sure why but i get so angry when my husband spends any time with his family. He is extremely close to his 4 siblings and his parents. His siblings like to ask him for help a lot and he is a very generous helpful person. We have been married 4 yrs almost and i find this so hard to accept. Today for example, he is st home with our babies. Im at work. He needed to go get somehing from the shop and our baby was asleep. So he asked hos sister to quickly come over to watch toddler and baby whole he went to the shop. Really really annoyed me. And then i rant at him. Saying why do u ask ur sister to come over when il be home in one hour. Am i wrong? Feel angry Link to comment
bulletproof Posted May 2, 2015 Share Posted May 2, 2015 I think this is very sad. And yes, in my opinion, it isn't in the best interest of your marriage for you to be getting angry at him for things like you've described. Are you not close to your family? Is that why this is bothering you so much? Link to comment
maaraishuk Posted May 2, 2015 Author Share Posted May 2, 2015 I am. And he encourages me to see my family all the time. He often wants to see my family. Both our families live in the same city as us Like now i will go home and be cold and off towards him because he asked his sister toncome over. Im not sure how i got to this or how to resolve this. But this is the main reason we argue. Honestly, speaking the truth, i want to keep him from them. Something just triggers in my mind if we dont meet them on my terms Link to comment
maaraishuk Posted May 2, 2015 Author Share Posted May 2, 2015 I put him first. Not my family. He does put us first. But them almost as much i feel. If they asked him he would drop everything to be there for them. Link to comment
mhowe Posted May 2, 2015 Share Posted May 2, 2015 You jealousy of them is irrational and you are trying to control his access to them. As all of your fights are about this...realize that you are creating the family divide. And when you and he divorce and have shared custody, they will spend even more time with his family. Link to comment
maaraishuk Posted May 2, 2015 Author Share Posted May 2, 2015 How can i stop it? I honestly feel like if i dont control his access to them, he would want to spend day and night with them. Link to comment
bulletproof Posted May 2, 2015 Share Posted May 2, 2015 Like now i will go home and be cold and off towards him because he asked his sister toncome over. Horrible, manipulative way to approach conflict with anyone, especially your husband. Being cold to someone is just cruel. If you're going to take issue with him spending time with his family (which I think is wrong), at least have a conversation with him. Link to comment
Andrina Posted May 2, 2015 Share Posted May 2, 2015 I don't think you're giving a clear picture of the problem. Are you not fulfilled with your alone time with him? Does he make family decisions without your input? Do you make plans with him that he breaks to do favors for his family. Maybe you should give examples so we can address the problem. Perhaps you two should attend marital counseling so you can learn skills on how to work together as a team and learn positive communication. There's also a good book called Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus, which teaches about couples communication. Link to comment
Iggles Posted May 2, 2015 Share Posted May 2, 2015 How can i stop it? I honestly feel like if i dont control his access to them, he would want to spend day and night with them. You don't stop it. You work on changing your mindset. You have babies with this man. When they grow up and marrying spouses, how would you like it their spouses acted like you? - argued every time they wanted to visit you - expected them to never spend time with their family of origin once married - got strangely possessively of normal interaction with their siblings and you You have some very odd ideas, OP. It's damaging to your marriage and if you keep it up, you won't have to worry about your husband spending time with his parents and siblings -- because he won't be your husband anymore. Get into therapy and get help. You are his life partner; you do NOT own him! Likewise, you do NOT own your children. Every person has autonomy and relationships outside of their relationship to you! Link to comment
maaraishuk Posted May 2, 2015 Author Share Posted May 2, 2015 i understand it's wrong. but the insecurity immediately kicks in, my stomach just starts churning when i hear them calling, or him going to see them. my husband is extremely family orientated. im not. i got married, and kind of switched off family duties to be with him. this is me being honest. i kind of expect the same from him so i do all i can to limit him seeing/talking to them. it's constantly on my mind. i dont work as many hours so im not out the house, so he cant do stuff with his family. if im home, he wont be as inclined to go see them. so i feel if i work less, our bond is stronger. i pretty much have abandoned a social life. i wont go see my parents unless he comes with me, or if he is at work. then i will go. so it doesnt interfere with our home life and us spending time together. im not sure how i got to this. and im not sure if it's completely wrong. but i strongly feel, if i was to lead a life of my own, our marital life and our family life with children would suffer. because then he would be busy doing his thing. i would be busy with my life. but im tired of fighting. im tired of my mind working overtime trying to keep him from his family. im constantly on my toes. i cant relax. Link to comment
maaraishuk Posted May 2, 2015 Author Share Posted May 2, 2015 I don't think you're giving a clear picture of the problem. Are you not fulfilled with your alone time with him? Does he make family decisions without your input? Do you make plans with him that he breaks to do favors for his family. Maybe you should give examples so we can address the problem. Perhaps you two should attend marital counseling so you can learn skills on how to work together as a team and learn positive communication. There's also a good book called Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus, which teaches about couples communication. he spends all of his time with me, aside from 1 hour a day to go see his parents. his job is flexible so he is home a lot. we make all our decisions together. he doesnt ever break plans. because he doesnt like to upset me. Link to comment
mhowe Posted May 2, 2015 Share Posted May 2, 2015 Seek therapy. You aren't going to change this on your own. And it is wrong. Link to comment
maaraishuk Posted May 2, 2015 Author Share Posted May 2, 2015 i feel as though his family rely on him a lot. my husband cant say no to anyone. he has helped MY family through difficult times. if anyone asks him for help he is there to do it. he takes care of all the family cars, any household projects in his siblings home he will have an input in, take part in getting it done. (he doesnt financially or physically do any work) but is the caretaker of most things. 4 siblings. there's always something. then he is extremely close to his parents too. he will see them everyday, even if it's for half an hour. usually 1 hour Link to comment
maaraishuk Posted May 2, 2015 Author Share Posted May 2, 2015 Seek therapy. You aren't going to change this on your own. And it is wrong. i want to change. i don't want therapy and tbh, i cant do it as im too busy, i have two very young children, 2 and 1.. i just want to stop feeling this way. Link to comment
mhowe Posted May 2, 2015 Share Posted May 2, 2015 Then read books on changing your thinking. You married a man with a big heart. Don't turn it cold because of your insecurity. There is enough love in it for everyone. Link to comment
maaraishuk Posted May 2, 2015 Author Share Posted May 2, 2015 so mhowe, im curious to know u dont think he is spending too much time with his family? u honestly think the problem lies with me? and i should just let him spend as much time with them as he wants? Link to comment
ParisPaulette Posted May 2, 2015 Share Posted May 2, 2015 Why would having his sister help him by watching the kids while he ran to get something make you upset? Would you rather he called you, told you to drop everything and come home so he could do it? Or would you rather he woke up said baby, packed everything and everyone up, and traumatized a napping baby to do so? Unless his family is toxic and is actively out to get you, are dangerous as in drug addicts or sociopaths or worse then your jealousy is irrational. You need therapy, because I know a gazillion other women who would happily take your place to have a family that is willing to step in and help me and mine. His family is your family, your family is your family. No, it's not normal to decide that once you marry someone the walls come down and it's just the immediate family and all others need to be turned away. Quite the opposite. And if you act like this with your kids, actively forcing them to give up friendship and family ties you will damage them permanently and emotionally. Get help, get therapy, your actions are completely irrational. I would have given anything to have a sister-in-law who come over and help. Anything. You should both be spending time with your respective families, you should each be spending time with friends, and you should also have special times when it's just the two of you and family watches the kids. In short, you are thinking too extremely that there is only one option in all of this and there isn't. Sane healthy relationships always involve more than just a couple turning their backs on the world. Seriously, you have got the potentially best deal in the world and you're acting like it's terrible. I am so envious of you, you have no idea. I had to spend my children's early childhoods by myself doing everything since my family lived so far away. I would have given anything to have had a man who was close to his family and that family who would be able to help and mine. I have that now, but my kids are grown and I love that I have instant friends in my sister-in-laws. I love having his family to add to the tribe. Heck, I love being part of a tribe. Link to comment
mhowe Posted May 2, 2015 Share Posted May 2, 2015 so mhowe, im curious to know u dont think he is spending too much time with his family? u honestly think the problem lies with me? and i should just let him spend as much time with them as he wants? Yes, I honestly think the time he spends with his family is fine. He is not neglecting g you nor his children and he has a close family. There is no requirement after marriage that you ONLY spend timewith your wife and kids. He has always been close with his family and encourages you to see yours. Your thinking on this topic is very warped. Link to comment
abitbroken Posted May 2, 2015 Share Posted May 2, 2015 So...if he had to go to the store - would you like it better if he left the kids alone? Its okay to call a relative to watch the kids! I think that if you are upset that he does so much for his family - he does stuff for yours too. What attracted you to this guy? Because he was generous with his time? Well - then you are upset at him for the things that attracted you to him in the first place. I think that you need to pick your battles. If you are upset that he does his family favors, then you have to stop your family from asking for them. And ALL these people are your family now. I think that you should pick your battles. Unless the family is coming over on your date night, etc, you should sometimes let them in as long as they are not randomly coming over. Link to comment
abitbroken Posted May 2, 2015 Share Posted May 2, 2015 i feel as though his family rely on him a lot. my husband cant say no to anyone. he has helped MY family through difficult times. if anyone asks him for help he is there to do it. he takes care of all the family cars, any household projects in his siblings home he will have an input in, take part in getting it done. (he doesnt financially or physically do any work) but is the caretaker of most things. 4 siblings. there's always something. then he is extremely close to his parents too. he will see them everyday, even if it's for half an hour. usually 1 hour Seeing his parents every single day if they don't live around the corner and are not infirm IS a bit much for me. I wouldn't understand it. But if you have no plans then you can't blame him for doing it and not choosing to do something else in his free time. As long as they aren't backbiting you when he is over there and such. You knew how he was when you married him, though. Link to comment
abitbroken Posted May 2, 2015 Share Posted May 2, 2015 Why is it so bad if he spends time with you without his family when you are home that he spends time with his family when you are not home. If they are not backbiting, talking about you negatively - I don't understand the problem. The problem with my ex in-laws is that they were abusive people and so was my ex, and I dreaded when they were alone together because of what I would walk into when I got home (my ex's atitude, the new scheme to do something horrible to me, his mood based on his visit with them). But if you have none of that and these people are supportive of your marriage, I fail to see the issue. ANd you SHOULD see your family. You should see them with your husband, but why not go to lunch with your sister or female cousin, etc, once in awhile? Or mom? you should see them without him, too. What if they wanted to come over to see the kids? Link to comment
abitbroken Posted May 2, 2015 Share Posted May 2, 2015 Maybe you should have discussed your expectations of married life with him in prep for marriage so you knew what to expect. there was a lot of assuming going into things. Why not talk to him how you feel? I agree that you should "leave and cleave" - forsake all overs and cleave to your spouse - and what it means to both of you. It doesn't mean that you can't see your families. It does mean that your spouse is first. Maybe you feel its not so much about seeing them as it is doing things for them. Is he involved in projects because he likes spending time with them and is handy - and it prevents him from doing things around your house - or does he put those things second to your individual family's needs, and just likes doing them? If he doesn't see them when you are home, and focuses on you and the kids, how are you feeling that he is not honoring you? I think you can't expect someone to read minds or do what you do. Maybe you pick your battle if you think he is putting projects of his parents over yours?? Link to comment
Doc Blaze Posted May 2, 2015 Share Posted May 2, 2015 I need more info because from what i see , you are mad that your husband because he is a good guy ... Link to comment
Hollyj Posted May 2, 2015 Share Posted May 2, 2015 Your sound suffocating. You cannot make your life about one person. it's not healthy , Get some counseling. Link to comment
Hollyj Posted May 2, 2015 Share Posted May 2, 2015 i want to change. i don't want therapy and tbh, i cant do it as im too busy, i have two very young children, 2 and 1.. i just want to stop feeling this way. If you lose your husband to your insecurities, you will definitely not have any free time. Your feelings are not rational. Link to comment
.jpg.1626fbc48c04fd9021fd315819807524.thumb.jpg.882936eb5901fa05cf31c75617acde2e.jpg)
Recommended Posts
Archived
This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.