Insecure about him and his family

[Khaleesi86]

Gah! I can relate to this post all too well!

We know it's stupid and somewhat irrational to get upset, insecure, whatever, when our SO spends time with their family, but sometimes I can't help it!

Mine is different from yours in that he doesn't seem co dependent, merely involved.

Mine is co dependent. I can't remember the last time we did anything new that didn't involve his family... He has no interst in new people whereas I do.

 

Could it be that you're upset because you don't want his life to involve them so much? That's my issue. (I'm self aware enough to admit it,lol.) All I can think is about is how many new things we could discover if every weekend didn't include them! If we were forced to meet new people. It's always something with them (a move, a party, a communion, someone needs to help cut the grass WHATEVER) and I don't want to get stuck doing these things

 

I have no advice, just support. He doesn't sound like a bad guy at all, but I still understand the frustration.

[Andrina]

In a healthy, mature marriage, there needs to be a healthy balance of time alone as a couple (date night), time as an immediate family, time apart (alone time, time with a same sex friend, time with a family member, time with hobbies/interests), time with extended family (holidays, etc). Your husband should be a priority, but not the center of your universe. That is too much pressure on him. I suggest that you join a Mommy and Me group to talk to other mothers, and maybe make some friends to exchange babysitting with, so you and your husband can have a date night now and then. I suggest you and your husband each decide on a separate hobby and whoever is out and about, the other can stay with the kids. I don't mean an all encompassing hobby. I mean one that you engage in a few times a month. Don't you think you'd be a much more interesting person to him when you share what you did, and he can have time to miss you? I suggest you spend some alone time with some of his female family members to establish your own separate friendship with them. Why not trade babysitting hours with your sister and law and then you can go out with your husband at least once a month.

 

Since he doesn't work, he must go bonkers being home all the time. No wonder he needs to get out of the house to see family and do some physical activity like fixing cars. And your controlling manner probably reminds him of mothering. Do you really think a man wants to have sex with a mother figure? If you find your sex life waning, you will know why. You will lose this marriage if you continue on the way you have been. Reestablish your relationship with your family. I spend alone time with my grown daughters without my husband. (He's their stepfather.) We talk about things we're interested in, and it's a different atmosphere if he's included. We also do holiday gatherings with our extended family. Your parents, and especially your mother, might like alone time with you to talk about girly stuff. If your husband died, you will be lacking in social support, since you have isolated yourself with this extreme behavior. You have a lot of changes to make. Don't wait or it may be too late to salvage.

[petite]

I think you are very controlling and selfish. He went to the store and instead of dragging a crying/sleeping baby around he had his sister come over (very nice of her to do) while he did whatever was necessary for your family.

What kind of a relationship do you have with your own side of the family that you're so angry about him wanting to be close and spending time with his side? This shouldn't really be an issue, you are his wife and the mother of his children you guys are a family, but his parents and siblings are also his blood related family, you're technically ALL A FAMILY.

Honestly, time to put on your big girl pants and stop trying to cause issues over this.

 

It was your choice to 'switch' family duties off, which is very weird to be honest. It seems like you don't or didn't have a close relationship with your side of the family and expect him to give up his family because of your jealousy and irrationality. This type of attitude will not just alienate you from him and the family, it will make him and them resent you. This isn't a battle you should even be fighting.

The attitude and behavior you've got now will only make things worse, honesty a lot of guys would have dumped your butt over this, it's the worst type of attitude to have when it comes to trying to basically tear your husband away from his parents and siblings.

[catfeeder]

I would work with a therapist immediately, or this will destroy your marriage.

[maaraishuk]

i don't know why but i feel there is nothing to his life aside from his family.

 

he doesn't like to mix with friends. he either spends all his time with me and the kids, or with his family.

 

i guess as most people have pointed out, this was something which resonated in him well before i married him. his childhood was spent with his entire family, and they are extremely close-knit.

 

i think in my mind, i have to let go of being so clingy and insecure. he senses it and now just gets annoyed.

 

i am going to try to let go.but it's not easy. it eats at me. but i want to desperately change my attitude moving forward

[mhowe]

He is well past annoyed. This has been going on for years. And since you "want to change" but have no plans to change...I see this ending in a cold war or divorce.

[petite]

What do you mean by 'nothing to his family? You do realize that it isn't up to you to decide what he sees in his family, right? You aren't his owner, you are his wife. He isn't in a prison, he's in a marriage...or should be but you make it seem like prison. Honestly I'm shocked he hasn't left you by now. You are ALIENATING him from people he loves! That's selfish. There is no excuse for it, even if they were to hate you, he should still have a right to see them when he wants.

 

He isn't annoyed, he is pissed off and rightfully so. You're way too insecure. What is it about his family that makes you so insecure? Because you see how much they love one another?

 

Seriously, go to therapy. You need a professional to help you with this, and you have plenty of time. I'm certain you can find 1 hour in a week to see a therapist, whenever people say they don't have time it's a blatant excuse. You've got time to try and control him and keep him on a short leash, but no time for professional help? That's an excuse.

It's time to grow up and you alone will not manage to make these changes because the root of the problem isn't him or his closeness with his family, it lies within YOU.

I actually feel very sorry for your husband, poor man can't even breathe without you getting angry. It's not right. You have a good man and you're ruining him. Goodness, if my husband wants to spend time with his family that's fine, not a problem. If he wants to spend time with my side of the family I'm cool too, I don't have to follow him everywhere and be stuck to him 24/7. Even if my in-laws were to not like me or if I were to have issues with them, I'd still want my husband to see them and be with them, hell I'd want to see them anyway.

What you're doing will only lead to him getting depressed and maybe even deciding he doesn't want anyone controlling him...and then you'd have a divorce on your hands. Would that make you happy?

[abitbroken]

i don't know why but i feel there is nothing to his life aside from his family.

 

he doesn't like to mix with friends. he either spends all his time with me and the kids, or with his family.

 

i guess as most people have pointed out, this was something which resonated in him well before i married him. his childhood was spent with his entire family, and they are extremely close-knit.

 

i think in my mind, i have to let go of being so clingy and insecure. he senses it and now just gets annoyed.

 

i am going to try to let go.but it's not easy. it eats at me. but i want to desperately change my attitude moving forward

 

You knew this before you married him, so its not really fair to be annoyed at it now. Also, how long did you date before getting engaged? If you dated six months, I can see why this is hitting the fan, but if you dated for a long time and throighout the engagement saw how he was with his family - why did you not leave him, or maybe you liked it?. Also, my best friend is my boyfriend, and my two other best friends are a female friends I have had for years, and a cousin. Yep, a cousin who is close in age to me that I have known my entire life. We are like sisters, but better. We talk on the phone at length at least once a week and socialize together. He is family oriented and that is what maybe attracted you because your family is not that close - and that means also that he will be close to you, your kids and future kidinlaws. Guys who are family oriented in a HEALTHY way make great dads and husbands. It is really a gift to grow up being close to your cousins, etc.

 

Also, what do you say to your husband, do you tell him that you don't like how he spends so much time with family? Or do you just act irritated?

[Iggles]

OP, you are destroying your marriage by feeding this negative mindset. Keep it up and he will divorce you and marry a woman who is honored to be welcomed by his family.

 

It's time to change or you have everything to lose.

[InvisibleWound]

Family in my opinion is right up there coming first even after a long term relationship or marriage. You only have 1 family who was with you before the other person came along. Its sad and a bit much for people to expect their spouse not to see their family much. I hate to say it but if you can't change then chances are it will be over.

[maaraishuk]

im trying to change.

 

i just dont know if the lines we draw are enough.

 

if i go out, he will go see his family. if it's for 1 hour, 2 or 3.

 

he doesn't know anything else.

 

i accept he wants to see his parents every day. he pops in to see them for at least 1 hour a day. but if im not home, it will be 2, 3 times a day.

 

if he goes to the barbers, it's the one round the corner from his parents. and he will go there on the way for a cup of tea. and on the way back for a cup of tea.

 

when we first moved out, he didn't even bring all his belongings!

 

he does every family member's car taking. that means 7 or so cars. to the garage round the corner from his mum's.

 

he doesnt force me to go. we go once, sometimes twice together a week.

 

i work weekends. self employed. i am reluctant to grow my business because i am scared for the impact it will have on my family. the more hours i work, the more hours he is at his mums.

 

the more errands he is running for everyone. he seems to be everyone's personal assistant. and paperboy. i worry for the impact it has on our family. so i draw a line where i limit my own social life/work life to keep a balance at home.

 

when they were kids (him and his four siblings) they would spend their lunch hour from school at home. at college, he used to travel home in his free periods to spend time with his parents. all 5 of them are closeknit (siblings i mean) but my husband seems to be the one who goes out of his way for everybody.

 

does that make sense? do i still sound like i need therapy?

 

i am just trying to explain things in more detail. and would like to know if this detailed information bears any weight to my side of the story.

[mhowe]

Yes...you need therapy.

[Doc Blaze]

It doesnt sound like you are trying to change...

 

 

what have u done to try to change...

 

 

whaat i dont get is, you knew he was like this before u got married..correct?

[maaraishuk]

It's like at the moment, his brother is having a house built. He did recently have a heart attack due to stress and remarkably made a full recovery.

 

My husband is very good at DIY so is basically project managing his whole project. They talk 5.6x a day. His brother rings him a lot and my husband goes to their new house often dealing with contractors etc. sometimes taking my 2+1 yr old if im at work, they wait in the car while he does things.

 

Today his sister rang. She wants her garden slabbing done. I came

In from work. Husband barely said hello, and he has gone off to hers because she has arranged for a contractor to come over. She is a single parent so now my husband will oversee her whole project

 

Needless to say he will go slab shopping with her and arrange all the material to be sorted out too.

 

It just annoys me that it's one thing after another for him. Everyone relies on him. He's constantly getting pulled left right and centre.

 

He has a job, a family, and his own life. But he is just constantly thinking of everyone else.

[mhowe]

And was he not like this while you were dating? He comes from a close knot family and has a skill set that are of use to everyone. A brother with heart problems and a single mom sister. He clesrlly enjoys his role. Is he supposed to sit around staring lovingly at you?

[InvisibleWound]

My boyfriend is somewhat similar. He is right there for his family and everything they need. However he hardly talks to his family so its not a daily thing. It never bothered me though. As I try and do things for my family too. If their close knit then chances are this is how it will always be unless a major falling out was to happen. This is something you have to accept I think. It sounds like his nature to be helpful and around when others need him, people like that don't just up and change.

[maaraishuk]

My boyfriend is somewhat similar. He is right there for his family and everything they need. However he hardly talks to his family so its not a daily thing. It never bothered me though. As I try and do things for my family too. If their close knit then chances are this is how it will always be unless a major falling out was to happen. This is something you have to accept I think. It sounds like his nature to be helpful and around when others need him, people like that don't just up and change.

 

 

yes that is true. we had a fallout yesterday evening as i told him i was annoyed that soon as i got home he left. he kind of blew up, saying im always upset about something. i'm never happy.

 

he went out for 45 minutes to help someone after looking after the kids all day and i see that as a crime. he accused me of treating him like a pet. that i cant treat him like a pet wanting him constantly tied to our home.

 

he said he's done more than enough to compromise, by not taking the kids to his parents while i'm at work (because he knows i don't like it), by not taking them to his sisters (because i don't like it), not dropping them off to his family's houses (because i don't like it) and says now i restrict him from doing anything in the evenings too.

 

he says he cannot help helping people. it's in his nature, and he can't say no.

 

he asked me, if i were to die today, what would people say about me on my deathbed? what did i ever do for anyone?

 

and he likes to think if he was to drop dead today (god forbid) he likes to think people might remember things he had done for them.

 

he said 'there is more to life than what happens in this bubble u live in at home with just u, me and the kids'

 

that he makes a lot of effort with my family. but slowly im burning him out because i'm constantly making issues/causing arguments.

 

i don't feel happy. and i did apologize for causing an argument. but stressed i want more time from him.

[mhowe]

You need to enroll in therapy. Everything he said is true. You are suffocating your marriage.

[petite]

You've got a lot of issues to deal with, get help before you ruin your married and he starts hating you for ruining his life. You're being very selfish, there is no better way to say it, you have to wake up and smell the coffee. You have a good husband and you are absolutely ruining your marriage and him as a person. Do you get enjoyment with him being unhappy? Why does it bother you if he takes the kids to his sister or parents while you are working?

[abitbroken]

You need help.

 

I agree with your husband 100%.

 

You know, you don't need more time with him tied to the house. Instead, you should let your husband take the kids out to see his family and not nag him about being home and go on a QUALITY time get away with him or go on dates where you can be adult and adult instead of having the kids around.

 

This guy cannot win. he is willing to compromise by not seeing his family when you are around but you won't let him see them while you aren't around either. What do you really really want? Do you want your husband to be home 24 hours a day when he is not at work? Seriously, what do you actually want??

 

I guarantee your husband will leave you within the year if you keep this up.

 

If you want to save your marriage, go to counseling. Let him take the kids to see their cousins, aunts, uncles, grandparents when you are not home if he wants to. They NEED those relationships with their relatives. And agree to go see his family with him once a week. If you do that, your husband will most likely happily stay home in the evenings with you. You must do this to save your marriage.

[catfeeder]

he said he's done more than enough to compromise, by not taking the kids to his parents while i'm at work (because he knows i don't like it), by not taking them to his sisters (because i don't like it), not dropping them off to his family's houses (because i don't like it) and says now i restrict him from doing anything in the evenings too.

 

Seriously? You make all these rules for a grown man as to how and when he can socialize his family with your children?

 

Sorry, but that's just flat out toxic.

 

You're suffocating your marriage, and you'll have zero say in how he socializes the kids when he has them for his share of custody when he divorces you.

 

I'd get intensive therapy, pronto.

[maaraishuk]

it's happening again where it's causing tension in our home.

 

today, this afternoon at 2pm we have a huge birthday party to attend at his sister's where the whole family will be there. i suspect we will be there until late tonight.

 

i had work this morning 10am-1pm. he has the kids so i told him to just let them relax in their pj's at home, and then put them down for their nap at 12 before we go out.

 

however, no. he had other plans. he needs to go to his brother's house to see a guy about something, go to the garage to make a payment on his other brother's car, then go 'pop' into his mum's house briefly then bring kids back for their nap(when he took the kids yesterday evening for 2 hours whilst i was working and we are spending the whole day today with them)

 

we have a 2 yr old and 1 yr old.

 

he got annoyed that i was annoyed about it. but does it not make any sense what i'm saying?

 

don't YOU think that's a little overboard?

[mhowe]

Now you are telling him how to handle your kids? They can sleep in the car.

He is a good and caring father.

 

You seriously need to get some therapy.

[catfeeder]

Did he have them back on time for their nap?

 

If not, I can understand not wanting to put up with over-tired kids. If so, you're over-reaching again.

[maaraishuk]

Did he have them back on time for their nap?

 

If not, I can understand not wanting to put up with over-tired kids. If so, you're over-reaching again.

 

he did bring them back home in time for their nap.

 

im not sure how to stop feeling this way. so insecure. every week we are arguing. he is distancing himself from me and looks quite miserable to be honest. but refuses to talk about anything. last night he said 'it's the same issues over and over again. it's been happening for 3 years. there is no point talking about it'

 

i really am thinking of taking a break with the kids so i can sort out in my head, how to let go of being clingy and insecure.

 

i know to him that would scream 'separation/divorce' he doesn't believe it helps at all.

 

im at a loss. we are distancing from each other all the time