amila Posted March 20, 2015 Share Posted March 20, 2015 Is it ok for a husband to be against the friendship between his wife and the in laws of her first husband who passed away many years ago? Link to comment
greta96 Posted March 20, 2015 Share Posted March 20, 2015 No, it is not ok. He should have no say in this matter. Link to comment
christwowheels Posted March 20, 2015 Share Posted March 20, 2015 No, that's ridiculous. You married into your late husband's family and it's not like there was a divorce or anything messy like that...he passed away. So basically your current husband wants you to abandon family members that you love and care about and that's totally not cool. Link to comment
Lady Amalthea Posted March 20, 2015 Share Posted March 20, 2015 It's not ok. Your in-laws are part of your family too. Link to comment
HeartGoesOn Posted March 20, 2015 Share Posted March 20, 2015 No, that appears to be selfish and controlling behaviour on his part, IMO. Link to comment
Hollyj Posted March 20, 2015 Share Posted March 20, 2015 What is there to be against??? Don't understand the insecurity? How else does he try to control you? How long have you been married? Link to comment
jimthzz Posted March 20, 2015 Share Posted March 20, 2015 It's not OK for him to be against that friendship. However, how much time is this friendship taking up in your life? Link to comment
Andrina Posted March 20, 2015 Share Posted March 20, 2015 Even if you weren't a widow and divorced, it is natural and normal to not sever ties with people you've cared for, for so many years. I was married for 23 years and divorced. I remarried and I visited my father-in-law from my first marriage in the nursing home when he was dying (I lived in another state and was visiting his city). I still send Christmas cards to my brother and sister in law from my first marriage. It would be different if a person was attending family gatherings that their ex attended. It would be cruel to sever all ties with people who have been a part of your life for so long. If a bf or husband can't handle this, they are controlling, paranoid, and lacking in confidence. Link to comment
relevart Posted March 20, 2015 Share Posted March 20, 2015 I agree with everyone else as well as what Adrina said about a divorce. Not sure how old the kids may be from the first marriage in your case, but a divorce is between a married couple, not the in-laws. Some may not want a thing to do with the in-laws, but that's for them to decide, not some insecure, controlling new husband or wife. Link to comment
indea08 Posted March 20, 2015 Share Posted March 20, 2015 I disagree with all of these responses. It is "okay" for anyone to feel the way they feel. Whether or not you will tolerate it is your choice. Link to comment
Unreasonable Posted March 20, 2015 Share Posted March 20, 2015 I disagree with all of these responses. It is "okay" for anyone to feel the way they feel. Whether or not you will tolerate it is your choice. It's okay for people to feel how they feel, but as soon as it leaves your mouth, consequences happen Link to comment
abitbroken Posted March 20, 2015 Share Posted March 20, 2015 How old are you guys (general range) and how long were you married to your late husband? and how long has your late husband been gone? The only valid beef he has is if the relationship with her in-laws (and I feel they are "extra" in-laws and not ex in laws if her spouse died), is if the relationships with them prevent her from forming bonds with her new in-laws. If she is spending a lot of time with her late husband's mom and not trying to get to know her new husband's mom, at all etc, I understand him. I would assume she and her new husband would be included on the invite list to the kids' birthday parties, etc. And she is still their aunt - not their former aunt. I guess I need more information about specifically what his concerns for (what exactly is she doing as far as spending time). Also, why didn't this come up before they married? He could have some legitimate feelings of feeling that he is in the late husband's shadow or its a three person marriage if not enough time has passed, and that has nothing to do with control, but needs to be addressed on both sides. Link to comment
sara-pezzini Posted March 20, 2015 Share Posted March 20, 2015 Based on previous threads i doubt that op is talking about herself. Probably about someone else? In any case i think the new husband had nothing to say about that and I would be offended and would not accept it if my husband wanted to dictate who i can and cannot be in touch with especially former inlaws of a deceased husband. Link to comment
redswim30 Posted March 20, 2015 Share Posted March 20, 2015 Even if you weren't a widow and divorced, it is natural and normal to not sever ties with people you've cared for, for so many years. I was married for 23 years and divorced. I remarried and I visited my father-in-law from my first marriage in the nursing home when he was dying (I lived in another state and was visiting his city). I still send Christmas cards to my brother and sister in law from my first marriage. It would be different if a person was attending family gatherings that their ex attended. It would be cruel to sever all ties with people who have been a part of your life for so long. If a bf or husband can't handle this, they are controlling, paranoid, and lacking in confidence. Well, I think in Divorce, every case is different. If the Divorce was contentious, then yes. Many people DO sever ties. My family wants NOTHING to do with my ex husband. And I don't speak to my former in-laws. My new mother in law doesn't speak to my husband's ex wife at ALL. They were married a long time, but my husband's ex kept harassing his family, so naturally they sided with him and cut ties with her. But everybody is different, my husband's family was prepared to be friendly to his ex wife, but she was so vile and disgusting about the divorce to them, that they decided it would be best to cut ties. On the other hand, my ex mother in law, the second we got divorced, she wanted nothing to do with me. Nothing I did, she just decided that to her, supporting her son meant shutting me out. So, again, every family is different where divorce is concerned. I don't think it's one size fits all. I think much depends upon if the exes themselves are on friendly terms or not. If you went through an amicable divorce, and everyone is friendly about it, different story. As far a widowhood, goes, this is way different from divorce and I see no reason they can't be friendly. Divorce by definition means you are out of the family. ( I'm sorry, even if you are friendly, it does mean that) You can be friends, but you aren't family anymore. When someone dies, they are still part of the family. Your mom is always your mom, even after she dies, she was still your mom. Totally normal to still be on good and friendly terms with the in laws. Link to comment
amila Posted March 20, 2015 Author Share Posted March 20, 2015 Its not about me its about a friend of mine,from work.She complained her husband does not like she is close to them ,and she does not understand it at all.Her sister in law comes often by,and also their kids hang out.She always liked her mother in law,and still visits her ....while the new mother in law is a typical mother in law nightmare....so did she describe her Link to comment
abitbroken Posted March 20, 2015 Share Posted March 20, 2015 Its not about me its about a friend of mine,from work.She complained her husband does not like she is close to them ,and she does not understand it at all.Her sister in law comes often by,and also their kids hang out.She always liked her mother in law,and still visits her ....while the new mother in law is a typical mother in law nightmare....so did she describe her It is very hard to give difinitive advice second hand because sometimes people have bad days and rant and exaggerate how things normally are. She could have a real beef, however. I do think that if her new mother in law is a nightmare, then it could be viewed as if she is choosing her late husband's mom over her current mother in law and should perhaps make an effort in that regard for the sake of her husband. I also think that unless she has children that play with the cousins, etc, that she should meet up with the sister in law vs a "my house is their's too" open policy and make the house the domain of her husband and her and invite people to it jointly for awhile. If she has her late husband's family dropping by all the time, her family dropping in, too and then the husband's family - it could be a bit chaotic. He needs to know that he is first - that he is not in the shadow of or simply a placeholder for the late husband and they have carved out their new life and new routine rather than him joining up in the life of her and her late husband in his absense, if that makes any sense? She can still see the kids, etc, see her late husband's mom for lunch or what have you, but make sure she is working to forming bonds with the new and respecting her husband's space I do think that you should stay out of it though, unless she asks you for advice specifically. Link to comment
amila Posted March 20, 2015 Author Share Posted March 20, 2015 I understand your point,and you might be right...the late husband is in some saint like position,,she has photos of him,,and when she first married she said to her kids(who were against remarriage) she is just doing to because she is lonely,she would prefer their father over any other guy.....so the kids said all that to the new husband,who was hurt then of course.So i kinda understand him,but that was long time ago,and she is loyal good wife Link to comment
abitbroken Posted March 21, 2015 Share Posted March 21, 2015 I understand your point,and you might be right...the late husband is in some saint like position,,she has photos of him,,and when she first married she said to her kids(who were against remarriage) she is just doing to because she is lonely,she would prefer their father over any other guy.....so the kids said all that to the new husband,who was hurt then of course.So i kinda understand him,but that was long time ago,and she is loyal good wife Well, then the husband's beef is not unfounded. No one should marry because they are lonely. She hadn't fully worked through enough of her grief and part of it may be she relies on her late husband's family for socialization to stay connected to him versus making new female friends outside of their circle where they can have new memories. Also, marrying when your family is opposed needs to be healed in some way. It doesn't sound like the kids were upset she married because they are selfish brats, but it appears they were not unfounded that she was marrying for the wrong reasons and should have dated her husband longer or worked on herself more. If she has her late husband's pictures everywhere in the house like he is living with her, that would have an affect too. I can understand having a child's wedding photo with the whole family in it in the house displayed, or if she had small kids, but in their marital home with her new husband, it should be new photos of them with his photos kept in a special album, or like i say, appropriately not the primary person in house photos. I wouldn't deal well if that went all went down with my spouse, and I think that is something that is hard to heal. I think she would need to prove to him that he is first, as he absolutely should be. go to the niece/nephews birthdays, etc., but show that she is not relying on her late husband's family for her social life and put him and his family ahead of them. She does not have to sever all ties, but just reprioritize based on her marriage vows. She will always be connected to her late husband's family due to the kids for sure, but her wedding vows are now to him. Link to comment
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