Having a hard time managing.

[TattyK]

I keep thinking if there was just one more day a week or 3 more hours in a day that my life would be easier, but as others have kindly pointed out, you just find another way to fill it anyway. No matter how much time you have, the key is management.

I am struggling with time management right now.

 

I am in school full time, and its been stressful. I have to study for at least 3 or so hours after school, and I take care of walking the dog, making supper, dishes, etc. as well because the hubby works long days to make up for me not working right now. I try to do this with a smile the best I can because I feel guilty that he has to work more right now.

Anyway, the problem lately seems to be communication, or lack of it. I get up with a mission, make his lunch and breakfast for him before he has to leave, then take the dog out for his business, I'll get ready, then off to school, then home to deal with the dog, then studying for a bit, then make supper, then eat, then study some more, and get his supper ready for when he walks in the door.

Once he does, I say hello and all that jazz, serve him his food, he usually gets comfy infront of the TV and watches his taped shows, and I throw on my headphones and go into my studying world and am gone for the rest of the evening. The last hour or so I de-stress by watching shows I enjoy, maybe just putz around on the internet for fun. I feel like this time is important for me, even if its just sitting and reading an article or doing my nails or SOMETHING that is just quiet, for me, and relaxing. So I just want to stress I cannot sacrifice this.

But lately we have been arguing a lot and I feel like it stems from him needing more of my time. Maybe I'm wrong. Bear with me.

He gets up and goes to work, and he gets home in the evening around 7. He will usually call me when he gets off work at 6 and talk to me for a good 20 minutes on the phone while he's driving. Like I said, we chat it up a bit once he initially walks in the door. But I think once he eats his food and watches his shows and checks his scores and text messages and all that other stuff he does, he winds up bored. Then he sees me sitting there, and I don't know why but comes up with reasons to ask me questions. "Should this go in the garbage?" "What time did you take the dog out?" "What are we having for lunch tomorrow?" Just all these questions, then it spirals into questions that require more then one or two word answers, some of these questions I don't even know what to say because quite frankly they just seem like dumb questions. Questions just to engage. And I feel badly, but at the same time I have to study and focus, I just want to be left alone. I start to snap at him because I feel like I am repeating myself, and then he argues that I'm not, that he is just wanting information. Then we storm away from each other for awhile.

It seems like it happens a lot lately. I feel bad, but that is just life right now. He works, I do school. We have responsibilities and goals we are working towards, not a lot of time for fun. I want to have all this time to spend with him because I love him, but I don't. And the time we do have, sometimes its squandered by us each doing our own thing to relax, which is fine, but I just feel like saying "you chose to do that in that time block we had and I'm sorry but its squandered now so maybe next time!" but that will come off as rude....

 

I don't know, school is over in a month and a half, but this studying thing still goes on even afterwards and I start up in the fall again, so its a short term-long term sort of problem. I don't even know if there is an answer, or if anyone has any advice to offer, maybe I'm being cold or a bit of a see-you-next-tuesday but I just wanted to vent a bit, it's frustrating and I don't know how to fix it.

[kmae23]

I am going to be very blunt here. It sounds like you have a great, even charmed life. Maybe you are looking for problems, where there are none? If you feel like you do too much for your husband, then stop. Stop "serving" him his dinner. Taking the dogs out takes a very short amount of time. Making and eating 3 meals a day is a very normal activity. Going to school full time is done quite frequently, even when people have children and work at the same time.. take care of sick parents etc. Honestly, it seems like you are bored and maybe need LESS time in a day. Maybe spend more time being nice emotionally to your husband, than making him meals or whatever it is it sounds like you are unhappy with.

[1a1a]

Can you two set aside some time that is officially quality couple time together and follow through with that?

 

And sit down and work out what that means to the both of you and how much you would both like and how much one can give the other and if that will be enough to sustain them? It sounds like your partner is feeling neglected and I promise if you both cannot find a resolution for this the relationship is going to suffer.

[sophie274]

What about having dinner together (and not just wolfing down the food)?. Spend at least half an hour sitting at the table and talking - that's good quality time, and it's something you'd be doing anyway because you do have to eat. (And get rid of that phone call, and do those 20 minutes of talking over your dinner). Or what about having your relaxing time together - watch a show you both like at the end of the day.

 

I understand all the constraints of work and school, but you do have to make time to spend with one another. While it's really nice that you make his meals, overall, the description sounded like roommates sharing a space. It didn't sound like you spent any time together. I think you can create some moments to bond and stay close without sacrificing your study time.

[Batya33]

For now do more take out (you can find healthy options) and he can make his own meals too or at least some of them. I agree with the 20 minute phone call being wasteful. Hire a dog walker or crunch the time you take them out -if you can't find a way to tape things to listen to for class while you're walking the dogs. Stop serving him food. He can get his own food and clean up after himself. You are both working full time -school counts as that. Good luck!

[Seraphim]

You have to feed the relationship bond even if you are busy. It won't survive on its own. If the goal is to be together after all this work don't destroy the being together part.

[tattoobunnie]

It can take a few months to acclimate to a new schedule. And no...if you had more free time, you would fill it up with something nice...not just keep busy. You're in demand.

 

I work full-time, have a crazy toddler I need to pick up, then go home and cook, then work part-time at night, then any free time, some volunteer work.

 

Some suggestions that make a difference...

 

1) Both of you (no more TV when eating) eat together.

2) Walk the dog at night together.

3) Study in another room if possible. Or be clear with him, and designate an exacting study time, example: 8 PM to 11PM. Where you need focus and quiet time.

4) Rest for one day - meaning, like Sunday, no homework. You will just need to bust your butt on the other days. And you two, spend time together that day. Or Friday night...you both do date like stuff, movie, dinner, dancing, walking, etc.

5) He can make breakfast, while you walk the dog, then you eat breakfast together.

6) Make a meal with extra portions you can eat later in the week.

7) Stick to meals you can make that take under 30 minutes, and save a fancy meal on Saturdays.

8) ALWAYS REMEMBER...to breathe!

9) ALWAYS REMEMBER...he misses you, so will ask you dumba** questions. Just take it as a sign that he wants to connect.

10) Don't wash his clothes. Only wash yours. Even if he pays the bills, you are investing in your future together, and need time and energy to get there, and let him know!

[Lester]

^ All but #10's doing separate clothes. (That sends the unmarried signal.)

 

Your life sounds like it's morphed into a extended Father, Mother and maybe child home life. All yours/his tasks should be building for a future together. You two sound to me like your building for separate lives.

 

Don't be surprised Tatty if he, with the help of a "understanding/listening" girl at the office... goes first.

 

How's your sex life Tatty?

[tattoobunnie]

I have never washed my Hubby's clothes...if I did, I don't think I'd had time to do anything else, like at all. And we've been married for years.

 

If the OPs spouse thinks laundry is the glue to keep a marriage together, then he can do ALL the laundry.

[1a1a]

Or you could take turns with the laundry

[faraday]

Hiring a house cleaner is pretty inexpensive...and a total lifesaver. For $200 a month...you can have sanity. I look forward to the day I can hire weekly help, that's $400 a month...but it would be so worth it.

 

Idk if you're coming back Tatty, but it sounds like your hubby does want more quality time with you...and you do need to figure out how to make that happen. Maybe you guys can cook together on Sunday's? Make meals for the week ahead and freeze them so the weekdays are less stressful (with leftovers for lunches) make it fun- like iron chef matches and do food judging at the end. Or crank up music and dance and cook.

[TattyK]

First off, thank you to all that offered some great advice, I appreciate it

I have been busy all week so I didn't have time to pop in and see what the general consensus is......

Wow. A lot of you had great advice. A lot of you.....lol way off the mark sorry!

 

I know that realistically in this day and age, men are expected to cook food, and braid hair, and really anything else a woman does. I was raised in a household where at the age of 6 my mother started teaching me how to cook and clean because "You will never find a man if you can't cook and clean, young lady!" My father only worked and did the "man chores" around the house (ie: mow the lawn, take out the garbage, fix things, etc). My husbands family sort of raised him the same way, the women in the house did the cooking and cleaning and the men did the work and the hard chores. His mother never taught him how to use a washing machine, a dishwasher, how to cook anything beyond insta-food, how to clean, he's sort of this stereotypical man that means well and tries to do these things but its pretty much like a bull in a china shop and will destroy much of it. He does try, and I give him praise for it, but then secretly I have to go back and re-clean the dishes or re-do the clothes because....well.......it's simply not clean. He is getting better though, there are a couple of things he can cook from scratch now, and he is loading the dishwasher properly now, he does take the dog for his night-walks for me now....

So while it's not an excuse and I'm sure many of you disagree with our lifestyle, its hard to break the constraints of childhood teachings and reshape yourself into something new. I'm the woman that serves her man his food. He's the man that opens doors and pickle jars for his lady.

 

And for the individual that wondered about our sex life and insinuated that my husband is going to stray for the woman at the office? I don't see how that is advice, or really constructive in any way really. I"m sure your HOPING that he'd be that type of guy so you can be "I told you so!" or maybe you'd feel good about it in some way, but that is simply not the case.

We have a good sex life, it's actually picked up because of the stress on my end. Orgasms make me happy.

There might be one or two women in his line of work, but he is a scaffolder so the women that are there are pretty fugly. He's told me about the ones that have hit on him, and we laugh about it. He would never cheat on me because I'm his best friend, he considers me his #1 person. I'm thinking a guy that wants MORE of his wife is probably not bored with her.

 

 

Just so the issue is put to rest, I did figure out a solution. What ended up happening was I had a bit of a breakdown and told him everything I was feeling, all the stress thats on my shoulders right now, the pressure to succeed, he didn't really realize how heavy this was weighing on me. I'm not someone that cries very often so I think that really resonated with him because when it happens he knows its at a serious point.

So we've started setting the alarm a half hour earlier so we can spend that time cuddling and stuff, then when he gets home after supper he fixes up the kitchen for me and packs the lunches with the leftover supper. So thats been really helpful on both sides, he is getting more cuddling time and I am getting less kitchen time. Then on the weekends he goes out one evening with his buddies so I have the evening to myself to focus, I think that will be very helpful too.

 

I think what it all boils down to, is when this was going on I was at my limit for stress. The pressure to succeed is enormous. I was at a loss and wanted to just vent more then anything, I wasn't really expecting someone to have the magic answer.

Thank you everyone once again

[Lester]

Ouch, that's a pretty aggressive post from someone looking for help.

 

I don't mean to offend but you don't offer enough pertinent information.

[Seraphim]

As she said she wasn't looking for help she was venting .

 

 

I think though people need to indicate that in their posts. I'm not looking for solutions I'm only looking to vent. I can come up with my own solutions I just want to vent which is a valid expression. Venting is of course a valid expression. But so people don't waste time writing out reams of solutions I really wish people would just say they want to vent.

[TattyK]

"^ All but #10's doing separate clothes. (That sends the unmarried signal.)

 

Your life sounds like it's morphed into a extended Father, Mother and maybe child home life. All yours/his tasks should be building for a future together. You two sound to me like your building for separate lives.

 

Don't be surprised Tatty if he, with the help of a "understanding/listening" girl at the office... goes first.

 

How's your sex life Tatty?"

 

 

I'm confused, where in your post anywhere were you offering up any sort of advice or help? Maybe I misunderstood what you were trying to say, because all I took from your post was a poke at the sanctity of my marriage and insinuate that I am not sexually pleasing my husband.

And I actually did indicate at the end of my posting that I wasn't even sure that anyone could even offer up any help, and that I was more then likely just venting. How nice of you to NOT read that part, but somehow read the part that says my husband isn't happy with our sex life?

 

 

And I was grateful to the people who actually offered up legitimate advice and concerns. That just didn't happen to be you. Truth.

[Snny]

I have been following this thread here and there. I have the same issues too. I'm in graduate school, a newlywed, and picked up another full time temporary teaching. It has been rough. About a year ago, I asked here if anyone has gotten married while in school and could share their experience... no real response. For the most part I have been wrestling with this on my own.

 

Time management is an issue I've been having. This month and next month are going to be a killer because this is when major assignments are due and I have NO TIME for other people. I shut off from my social circle to work until this semester is done. No gaming, no going out, no visiting, etc. I am up until midnight finishing work or lesson planning. I drink heavy loads of caffeine the following morning -- occasionally using 5 hour energy shots -- and taking medication to control my anxiety and help me focus better with the amount of stress I have, just to be able to perform at my job with 30-35 kids in a classroom and network for a real full-time position with benefits and tenure next school year.

 

I make one day available throughout the week that is Friday night or Saturday depending on how exahusted I am. Sometimes we go to work out at the gym once or twice a week and catch a meal afterward on days I don't have school. My husband completely understands, but he has also made his needs known that I do my best to meet. I probably married the most patient man in the world because I know a lot of men would probably not stick around to do one day activity with their partner. Then again... What happens to women who have children and have to balance them, a job, and intimacy?

 

Also, I agree with Tatty here: if someone asked how my sex life was or even implied that my husband would find other women at work while I am busting my ass to support my family on my end... I'd flip too. I also find that question inappropriate to ask here on a public forum. Unless you are a sex therapist or a relationship counselor, I flat out refuse to share my private, bedroom experiences on the Internet where it could be found by my husband, family, coworkers and worse... Teenage students.

[TattyK]

That is something I think about a lot too, how I am going to manage and have a child at the same time. I am hoping that, like everything in life, it will just fall into place somehow. I have a lot of respect for those women who work busy out of the home jobs and manage children as well. Its no wonder women start to age more quickly then men! Look what we have to put up with! lol

 

I just try to focus on the light at the end of the tunnel, I have already sat my family down and told them I am going to be pretty much non existent for a while and they are all very supportive and understand, so I at least don't have that guilt plaguing me. I am hoping that with the type of job I will be having it will give me more freedom to manage things as well too, but I have to get through school to get there first!

 

I wish you the best, and feel your pain; its hard trying to do it all. One day at a time

[1a1a]

Love the early alarm for morning cuddling time, great idea