nstack2 Posted February 14, 2015 Share Posted February 14, 2015 It's a long story. Basically when I visit her, we always have to stay at a hotel because she told me that she had a "no guests" agreement with her roommate. From the very start, before we even met in person, she told me that her roommate was a woman that had moved in after her ex-boyfriend moved out because of their break up a couple years ago. I admit that over the course of the past year that I was suspicious but I gave her the benefit of the doubt and trusted her. I found out the other day (my doing, she didn't tell me until I told her I knew) and she came clean. She told me that he had no where to go after their break up and that the situation is still temporary but necessary for the moment because of financial reasons. She told me that he will be gone as soon as possible. Assuming she's telling the truth now, he sleeps in a separate room and nothing has happened between them since they broke up a year before we met. I'm trying to forgive her lying to me, but I'm finding it extremely difficult to get over the fact that I was lied to for a year. Also, yeah I'm not comfortable with their living situation no matter how innocent she makes it sound. I thought I could do it. I left her state for my own two days after I found out and thought everything would be okay. The fact is that her living under the same roof with someone she used to love and sleep with is just hard to bear. They might not go out and hang out, but they still go out to grocery shop, run errands, and grab a meal every now and then. Not to mention they are in the same residence every night. I tried to tell her and she insists that if I trust her and her love for me that I wouldn't worry. We then fight about it. I love her and I'm not sure what to do. Link to comment
mhowe Posted February 14, 2015 Share Posted February 14, 2015 Your are being played for a fool and it's not even Aprol. Link to comment
Denguin Posted February 14, 2015 Share Posted February 14, 2015 When you "visit" her. Am I safe to assume you two live a fair ways away? It's a deal-breaker. You're already so outright that it bothers you, and will only mount from here into more angst/worry from your end. Unless she's willing to move out, I'd walk away. Link to comment
nstack2 Posted February 14, 2015 Author Share Posted February 14, 2015 Yeah, I live in Chicago and she lives in LA. We've visited almost monthly, however she's always met me at the airport and I had never seen her place or heard her roommate's voice or seen any proof of her existence. I have no reason to believe she's been unfaithful but to know she lied on an almost daily basis is tough to deal with. I even asked her a few times during the past year if he did in fact live there. We facetime daily, apparently he's hardly there. I told her I MIGHT feel better if I met this guy and she told me she can't tell him about us until after he moves out because she also needs his half of the rent until then. It's technically HER place, so he should move out. She claims she needs a roommate there for now because money is tight and refuses to kick him out because she doesn't want to burn the bridge. Link to comment
mhowe Posted February 14, 2015 Share Posted February 14, 2015 Is this the 43 yr. old? She has lied to you for a year. You cannot trust her if her lips are moving. Link to comment
nstack2 Posted February 14, 2015 Author Share Posted February 14, 2015 Is this the 43 yr. old? She has lied to you for a year. You cannot trust her if her lips are moving. Yes it is her. Link to comment
mhowe Posted February 14, 2015 Share Posted February 14, 2015 So...YOU are flying out and paying for a ticket and hotel. Does she fly to Chicago ever? She doesn't want to have sex...even though you have just traveled half the country. What IS working? Link to comment
nstack2 Posted February 14, 2015 Author Share Posted February 14, 2015 Over the past year she's come once, we've also met in San Francisco once as well. The sex issue is a little better, she just gets sick a lot and nothing happens when that's the case but I can't be upset about that right? I have talked to her best friend before, and I know for a fact that she talks to a few others about me as well. I have a hard time believing that I'm being completely played. We just spent a week together, last year Valentines day together. After I found out the truth, I looked at her text messages with him when she was in the bathroom. I know that was wrong, but I just found out she lied for a year and I just had to look. I didn't see anything that made me raise my eyebrows. Still I have to wonder if she wants him there and I have to wonder why he hasn't left after 2 years. He can't be trying too hard to find a new place right? We were celebrating 1 year together, but it wasn't a very great trip once the cat was out of the bag. I thought the trust could be repaired but the more I think about all the little lies that she had to tell me to keep the bigger lie intact.....it really gets to me, almost as much as him living there does. Breaking up with someone in a long distance relationship isn't exactly ideal, but we aren't seeing each other until April and I just don't see us making it till then. Link to comment
Man with Dog Posted February 14, 2015 Share Posted February 14, 2015 I have heard that in these tough economic times, many people continue to live with an ex. The fact that she lied about it is the red flag here. Are they still sleeping together? I honestly don't know. Good luck, you'll need it! Link to comment
agent1607307371 Posted February 14, 2015 Share Posted February 14, 2015 that the situation is still temporary but necessary for the moment because of financial reasons. She told me that he will be gone as soon as possible. And yet, it's been a year... Have you been to her house and met him yet then? Met any friends? Family? She is playing you like a flute. Link to comment
mhowe Posted February 14, 2015 Share Posted February 14, 2015 Maybe he has a multi-year lease? Link to comment
Batya33 Posted February 14, 2015 Share Posted February 14, 2015 If there was nothing going on and it was purely financial she would have told you about it right away and had you meet him in person. I'd move on if I were you. Link to comment
nstack2 Posted February 14, 2015 Author Share Posted February 14, 2015 And yet, it's been a year... Have you been to her house and met him yet then? Met any friends? Family? She is playing you like a flute. It's actually been two years since they broke up. She doesn't want to tell him she is dating someone because he still lives there and needs him there because of the tough economic times. I haven't officially met any of her friends but I'm pretty sure they are aware of us. Her family doesn't live in the country so no. Link to comment
Batya33 Posted February 14, 2015 Share Posted February 14, 2015 If he would not be ok with her dating someone it is because he is still attracted to her. It is inappropriate for her to be friends with a man who is not supportive of her romantic relationships let alone live with a person like that. At best she is prioritizing finances over being involved in a romantic relationship in any genuine and honest way. Bad news. Link to comment
agent1607307371 Posted February 14, 2015 Share Posted February 14, 2015 It's actually been two years since they broke up. She doesn't want to tell him she is dating someone because he still lives there and needs him there because of the tough economic times. I haven't officially met any of her friends but I'm pretty sure they are aware of us. Her family doesn't live in the country so no. That's not the point. The point is that she's been lying to you for a year. A year. Being pretty sure is not the same as knowing you are her partner and everyone knows it. She's lead you up the garden path good style. Link to comment
mhowe Posted February 14, 2015 Share Posted February 14, 2015 Please ask her to return your cojones before you hit the road. Link to comment
weathergirl Posted February 14, 2015 Share Posted February 14, 2015 That's not the point. The point is that she's been lying to you for a year. A year. Being pretty sure is not the same as knowing you are her partner and everyone knows it. She's lead you up the garden path good style. OP...apparently she is leading you AND the "ex" up the garden path (assuming he IS actually her ex...I wouldn't be so sure about that if I were you). She is lying to BOTH of you!! Playing BOTH of you! And being that YOU know about him now..if you stay..you are allowing yourself to be played. That's on you. Nice girl.... ugh. Link to comment
pippy longstocking Posted February 14, 2015 Share Posted February 14, 2015 Well I am trying to find a positive in all this .... I was going to say you need to ask to meet him ...but you have covered that one ..if she had now invited you over and introduced you both I could go somewhere to believing this was just a housing/financial problem ..Her excuse is she needs the money off him and if he knows about you it will rock the boat .....why ? why would it ? if they have been split 2 years why would he care who she dates ? Her friends don't even give a positive essence to it because of course they are going to keep her secret , so meeting them means nothing . There are a crap load of people she could share her home with as well ..if she is so desperate for half the rent . I don't ever really go with backing someone in a corner , but I would be now ..that's if you want to carry this on ..I would now be insisting on an introduction . Link to comment
boltnrun Posted February 14, 2015 Share Posted February 14, 2015 Yep, why would he care if she's dating someone if he's truly only there for financial reasons? Has HE been dating? If he'd get upset about her dating, he must not be...which means he's dating HER. Or, he's staying there pining over her and hoping she'll never ask him to move out. Is the apartment a 2 bedroom? If so, is she claiming she sleeps in one bedroom and he in the other? If it's a 1 bedroom, guess where she's sleeping? Link to comment
Willywagtail Posted February 15, 2015 Share Posted February 15, 2015 Please ask her to return your cojones before you hit the road. Gawd you make me laugh sometimes! Look, the really sad thing about this is that she's lying to you and lying to him! W-T-F?? This is someone that doesn't know how to deal with the hard issues in her life (so she deals with them by lying), who lies as a matter of convenience (her convenience), and who puts her own needs before anyone else's. As I see it, the details don't matter. What matters is she hasn't got the capacity to be honest with the men in her life. Big red flag. For a relationship to have any future potential, there needs to be trust. How will you trust anything she says from now on? Link to comment
Tanzi Posted February 15, 2015 Share Posted February 15, 2015 So she has never told him about you and she lied to you for a year about him (and would have continued to lie to you had you not found out), you've never met her friends or family, you only THINK her friends know about you and you only stay in hotels ... what part of this relationship feels genuine to you? She has had plenty of time to find a new room mate .... and if she was serious about you then she would have done. No-one would choose to live with such deceit unless it was for their own selfish benefit. And the fact that she has the audacity to guilt trip you (ie. if you love me you would trust me) shows that SHE has no guilty conscience at all. Total manipulator. The fact that she is 43 and she should know a whole lot better is just another red flag amongst a whole load of others waving madly about. And what bridge does she not want to burn exactly? Ask yourself this .... if they have not been together for two years does he really not expect her to date at some point? And would he not date anyone either? So , effectively, they are two people who used to be in a relationship, still living together (after two years) and still not dating anyone else (as far as they are both aware). Kinda makes them in a relationship really doesn't it? Link to comment
Hollyj Posted February 15, 2015 Share Posted February 15, 2015 At the very least, she is a big liar!!!! I wouldn't be able to trust another thing out of her mouth. You are also not a part of this woman's life. You are a secret. Move on! Link to comment
ParisPaulette Posted February 15, 2015 Share Posted February 15, 2015 I'm just going to say what is very apparent: he is not an "ex" anything. You're the "other man" and don't know it. The guy she lives with thinks she's being faithful to him and they're together, because one (in this case her) does not insist on meeting in hotels and lie about who is in one's house unless she doesn't want that someone to know she's sleeping with someone else-i.e. you. And as the others have pointed out, if they were truly exes the "ex" wouldn't care who she is seeing. A year is also not "temporary" in anyone's stretch of the imagination, so nope not buying the whole "he's just here 'cause he has nowhere else to go." Oh, and if he's that poor that he has to stay with her then why is she staying with and claims to be afraid to rock the boat, because he's helping her financially? All I see here is statement after statement that flat-out contradicts each other. I'm sorry, but you are still swallowing her lies if you believe any part of why she told you she lied to you AND claims to have to keep doing so. All you have is her word on all of it, which apparently is crap. Link to comment
lostandhurt Posted February 15, 2015 Share Posted February 15, 2015 WOW!!! Exactly what kind of mind control does she have over you? She is lying to you and him? This is all a huge load of BS!!! Like has been said already she could have gotten a new roommate long ago. Dude, she isn't serious about this "relationship" in any way shape of form. There is no one closer to you that you can date? What is so special about this woman that keeps you ignoring all these red flags? Lost Link to comment
toby17 Posted February 15, 2015 Share Posted February 15, 2015 Why are you so desperate and for crumbs? Is being single really worse? Link to comment
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