Difficult in-laws

[Mischa234]

Hi all, another post - different topic.

 

Sorry in advance for the long post, but if you don't mind reading about ridiculous people then please enjoy...

 

Background info: I am a 24 yr old female living with my 30 yr old boyfriend of 2 1/2 yrs and his daughter (my "stepdaughter" who we get on the weekends), she is 8. For the purpose of this post I'm just going to call her the Princess

I was orphaned and have very little family of my own so they mean the world to me. I regularly talk with his ex and her new husband as we all navigate through this strange experience of blended families.

We are not planning on getting married (at least not for a long while) as my partner does not like the idea of marriage - probably from all the destruction he has seen - but I would say we assume the relationship is permanent, whatever that means in today's world. and for the purpose of law/tax where we live there is virtually no difference in married/de facto couples. the Princess wants to call me mum, much of his family call me “family”, Princess' mother has told me she's happy for the stability we provide for the Princess because she's been flourishing. In general we are all pretty happy with this set up.

 

Problem: my partner comes from a family of chaotic dysfunction.

 

Examples which have affected me:

 

In December the Princess and my partner's bipolar sister (she's 27) came to stay with us for 2 weeks. Bipolar sister was meant to be there to help out with the Princess: I ended up babysitting both of them... The Princess crying out of boredom often while I tried to handle the bipolar sister going through the following cycle on repeat a few times a day: attention seeking > talking rapidly > creating imaginary problems and crying dramatically > sulking and withdrawing. My partner's family single her out and complain about her behind her back.. they are not very supportive. I try to be, because I feel for her, but I'm about the only one connected to their large family who actively tries to manage her episodes.

 

Different sister, the eldest (34) - I will call her K. About 18 months ago, I was a live in nanny for K's 16 yr old son for 3 months while she travelled. Afterwards we all got very close, the two of them would invite my partner and I for dinner often and because we lived nearby we would drop in every couple weeks. I knew K had some issues because while using her computer I stumbled accross screenshots of texts fighting with her family and photos of self-harmed bleeding skin (which I assume is hers)... I told my partner about this but I didn't get involved or pass judgement. She's 10 years older than me so conversation was really stimulating, I liked her a lot. After some family events we would stay up to 4am drinking and chatting, I would tell her about my past and she would tell me I was part of the family now and she'd always take care of me. We were quite close until a few months ago. One day she called my partner and we were arguing, he told her about it. It was a particularly bad argument and in anger I had basically threatened to call the police if he crossed the line for fighting fair - but the argument wasn't at that point yet. She poked her nose in our argument by messaging me and asking me if I was ok/what happened, which I obliged out of what I assumed was politeness and friendship. She began to side with him, telling me I was in the wrong and she was worried I was hurt and not thinking straight. She put pressure on me saying how to behave and I told her that I wasn’t prepared to discuss it further, because it was my relationship and I had valid reasons to be upset - she got very agitated at this. I later checked my partner’s phone (not snooping, we both allow this) and found that she was simultaneously talking to him, screenshotting messages between us and calling me a psycho behind my back. She was sending him links to Borderline Personality Disorder symptoms telling him to get me to a therapist asap. I was really upset about this because she put up a great facade when I was speaking to her, as though she actually cared and I could trust her. Really the stuff she was saying to him, I felt she was trying to split us up. I was insecure that this would influence my partner but it didn't and we resolved our argument soon after.

 

Being my naive self, a few days later I confronted her and said I knew about the messages and I didn’t appreciate what she had done. She wrote back some nasty messages about how my boyfriend can do better and he’ll be done with me soon enough etc. Again, I was really upset, I spoke to my partner about this but didn’t respond or talk to her again. He sent her a message to say not to call me mentally unstable again.

 

Fast forward to a few weeks ago, we all arrive at a holiday house that was planned by my partners mum before any drama happened. His mum paid half and split the other half between the 3 families that went: (1) me/my partner/Princess, (2) K/her son, (3) the only normal sister/her husband/their 2 kids. Bipolar didnt go because she has lots of drama/history with K, fights with her other siblings like dogs (except my partner) an they gang up on her. It's also worth mentioning this family has 2 Christmases, one where K is invited and not some family members, and the other where everyone else but K can come - because she has caused lots of issues.

 

Anyway, the holiday house. K got there after dinner, and after my partner and I had picked a room and unpacked. She had an issue with the rooms, the layout didnt go as they had planned. She started arguing with her mum and I got dragged in when I tried to correct her on how the layout was and then suggested an alternative.

K: Your idea is to have the adults separated from their children and none of this is going to work now, your ideas are all wrong.

Me: I can see you’re getting angry, I don’t want this to turn into an argument

K (raising her voice): What I don’t get is why you think you have a say in this!

Me (stunned): Because I am an adult here, and I’m trying to help…

K: You’re not a part of this family.

My partner then comes over and tells me to calm down, and I got really upset and say: “Me calm down?! She’s the one acting like a b*tch.”

This is when all hell broke loose, her son came out and screamed in my face to “Shut the F up, Shut the F up!!” and in the background she was yelling something I couldn't hear over all the other voices, her mum had to hold her back.

The whole time my partner keeps telling me it’s my fault for getting involved, because I can never keep quiet (which is true, I love to express my unwanted opinions lol) and I should have known not to talk to her again after our past issues. By the time we went on holidays, I had moved on from it all and wiped the slate clean but I guess she hasn’t changed her stripes. I know that she said I’m not part of the family just to hurt me, taking back all the nice things she used to say before our argument earlier.

 

I have her blocked on Facebook now but there is just constant drama on Facebook between the rest of the siblings. I feel for them and speak to the bipolar girl when she seems down just to make sure she doesn’t get suicidal. My partner has a very avoidant personality growing up with them all, he just shuts down and doesn’t talk or get involved, which honestly is the best thing for him to do… He’s the only good child who actually gets on with all his siblings, the rest mostly fight. It does have its drawbacks where sometimes he isn’t the best communicator with me.

 

After an argument the girls had today I felt fed up and wanted to step in and organise some family meeting to get them to start a process of reconciliation. It feels so hard to start but at the same time I can’t stand all that drama and being on the sidelines I feel responsible for trying to bring peace. I know my partner doesn’t want me getting involved, so I do it discreetly when I can get away with it or when he won’t see it… get in between the arguments and mediate. In person or on Facebook. Normally this is very helpful, the only person who dislikes me is K and the other siblings appreciate what I do, as do their spouses who have actually personally thanked me at times for getting involved because they won't/can't.

 

The parents went through a bitter divorce which tore the family apart and the kids have bullied each other since early on. My partners mother has severe depression but is also just kind of messed up, keeps marrying men and then divorcing them and taking their half assets… she has a net worth in excess of 2.5 million, she has never worked a day in her life and smokes weed daily. I believe it's due to this that partner is extremely insecure about his financial situation and very protective of his assets… although, he has realised this too late in our relationship as we didnt sign any kind of financial agreement before moving in together and one we signed now would be easy to throw out. He came to me recently saying all this and that he had been thinking of leaving because of it, although there is nothing that can be done to change it... he was thinking of leaving and trying to find someone else so he could sign it before getting too involved. He came to his senses when we spoke about it recently and other than his financial doubts and my frustration with them, he has been really happy with our relationship.

 

I just want to see it all stop. I can't stand the thought of them continuing to live like this and all of us on the sidelines just watching them hate each other and try to keep themselves together as a family with all that dysfunction and resentment. Especially with the cousins (youngest generation including the Princess), we are trying to foster good relationships between the kids, and give them the benefit of their large family but the way that things are moving just puts me at a loss.

 

I know it's not my problem in some ways, but if you saw it happening in front of you constantly you'd probably feel responsible for action too... And I'm not family but I am involved, I do play a role in keeping things together with both sides of Princess' family. It's just not fair on all of the kids to be growing up in generations of disastrous interpersonal relationship. I wish that something could be done to fix this.

 

Whatever I do, I must do carefully because there could be backlash from K or anger between the siblings that will be taken out on me. I feel helpless but still hopeful.

 

If you have read this all, bless you and please share thoughts.

[Capricorn3]

I can't imagine ever being involved in such a toxic and dysfunctional situation and people. I don't think there is anything you can do to make a difference and you have to accept that this is what you will be marrying into for a life time. Is this really what you want? Can you really live like this for the rest of your life? Those are questions you need to ask yourself. Me? I could never, ever do it. Ever. I would rather spend my lifetime alone than live in a situation like this, but that's just me.

[Seraphim]

You are not going to change family dynamics it's just as simple as that. It's not ever going to happen. You have two choices ,put up with it or run away.

[Mischa234]

I think I know these are true, but I was hoping at least one person would lie to me about some fairytale ending.

 

It doesn't affect us all the time, and honestly I can probably hide most of his family's posts on Facebook so I just don't see it. I can also avoid family functions that I don't want to go to, so I would only probably see his family a few times a year. The rest of the time it's just us in our happy world. Avoiding family functions shouldn't create more issues, right?

 

The struggle is wanting to help and make waves (positive ones) as I have a strong desire to make a difference.

[chickadeedee]

>> he was thinking of leaving and trying to find someone else so he could sign it before getting too involved.

 

I suspect what will happen here is that his family is so dysfunctional, that he will have a series of relationships that may last a while, but ultimately as the baggage and trouble piles up and the drama increases, he will leave and get a new partner and start the cycle again. He has already warned you very clearly how his mind works with that statement above, that he wants someone in a 'partner' role, but only so far as it doesn't impinge on his independence and right to bolt if he feels it doesn't suit him. You're a 'function' and not a 'beloved' to him. This can be extremely common in families as dysfunctional as his is, to form a bunch of chaotic and less than truly connected relationship that is part of the constantly turning wheel of drama in his life.

 

I think you should stop assuming this is a permanent relationship because there are so many indications it won't be. He's more worried about money than you, he has broken relationships behind him, and his family already hates you and is against you. I think the only hope here is if you get him to go into therapy with you to work thru all this and help him form a deeper attachment to you and to learn how to deal with his crazy family in a way that doesn't destroy your relationship.

 

btw, i'm a bit disturbed that you are calling his daughter 'the Princess'... that in itself is dysfunctional and categorizing a child in a way that can be perceived as derogatory (as in, 'the little princess always gets her own way she is so spoiled). I would really suggest counseling for you if you want to try to have a healthy relationship in such a family, and with a man who was raised by a nutty/gold digging mother and with clear signs of mental illness in the family.

[CatsMeeoow]

I dreamed of a wonderful relationship with all my in laws... sadly that isn't even close to what I got... While they are not the dysfunctional lot you describe my husband and I are treated like lepers and they dote on his ex-wife.

 

I have accepted there is nothing I can do to change it. I mourned it and moved on. Thank-fully we live over an hour away so we are not forced to deal with the issues ALL the time. I've found my happiness and piece of mind elsewhere and accepted the circumstances.

 

I'm sure as having no family of your own you are clutching at the remnants of this one. I think you need to let it go and follow your boyfriends lead - its his family.

[Seraphim]

Okay ,let me tell you I was like you. I wanted to save everybody .I wanted to save the world .I wanted to make a difference .I wanted to make people's lives better ,sound familiar? Do you know what I have for my efforts? Severe chronic fatigue ,depression ,IBS, arthritis ,nervous breakdown.... And the list goes on. Don't go there.

 

I've been married to the same person almost 21 years. We have been together 26 years. And in 26 years time I have never made one difference to his family's dynamic ,not ever.

 

So if you think you're going to swoop in and save his family from each other don't even bother you'll just end up dead from many various illnesses. Trust me .

[Capricorn3]

I think I know these are true, but I was hoping at least one person would lie to me about some fairytale ending.

 

Avoiding family functions shouldn't create more issues, right?

 

The struggle is wanting to help and make waves (positive ones) as I have a strong desire to make a difference.

Unfortunately, this relationship will not have a happy fairytale ending.

 

Avoiding family functions WILL cause a lot more tension between all parties concerned.

 

It's great that you want to make a difference, but in this situation you are delusional - it aint gonna happen. It is what it is and you have two choices: 1) Stay in a toxic/dysfunctional environment or 2) Save your sanity and walk away from this mess to a healthier and happier future.

[Tinydance]

I'm sorry to hear that things are so rough for you and you sound like a kind soul who just wants to help. However, as far as family is concerned, my advice personally would be to stay out of all this drama and cause as little tension as possible, unless someone is directly acting out towards you personally. If you want to try to get along with everyone, I would suggest not to try to "fix" things in this family because I don't think there is that much you can do and some of the resentment from K could be coming from the fact that she may think that you should not be meddling.

[Mischa234]

I think you may be jumping to conclusions a little too narrowly, though I appreciate your input. I call her "the Princess" only for the purpose of the post. In general I call her by her real name, but yes she does have a healthy self esteem because of how I treat her. She is a good and well-behaved child with me, so I'm not concerned about making changes. I am one of 4 adults in her life and she has actually flourished in school and socially as she has grown/spent her weekends with both my partner and I. All of us are quite happy with how she is progressing, we have discussed this recently when we got her report card from school.

 

Also I know he loves me deeply, for some of the things he has done and sacrificed for me and taken it in his stride. I don't doubt this. I agree he has some concerning reservations, but they are nothing that aren't manageable.

[Mischa234]

Okay ,let me tell you I was like you. I wanted to save everybody .I wanted to save the world .I wanted to make a difference .I wanted to make people's lives better ,sound familiar? Do you know what I have for my efforts? Severe chronic fatigue ,depression ,IBS, arthritis ,nervous breakdown.... And the list goes on. Don't go there.

 

I've been married to the same person almost 21 years. We have been together 26 years. And in 26 years time I have never made one difference to his family's dynamic ,not ever.

 

So if you think you're going to swoop in and save his family from each other don't even bother you'll just end up dead from many various illnesses. Trust me .

 

 

I get that. I probably wouldn't care if it weren't for the bipolar sister. I feel like she is particularly vulnerable, but she also does wrong to her other family members so I can't only consider her. She is mostly the only one that I talk to, because I know she needs the support.

 

I want to make a difference as in I am studying medicine and I feel more alive than ever. I love learning and exploring intellectually and I can use those gifts to benefit people eventually as a primary healthcare provider.

[Seraphim]

The thing is if the bipolar sister doesn't take her medication you are not going to help her either. And depending upon the type of bipolar and severity she is you're probably not going to be able to help there either. My father is bipolar. Believe me he's no treat.

[Mischa234]

Unfortunately, this relationship will not have a happy fairytale ending.

 

Avoiding family functions WILL cause a lot more tension between all parties concerned.

 

It's great that you want to make a difference, but in this situation you are delusional - it aint gonna happen. It is what it is and you have two choices: 1) Stay in a toxic/dysfunctional environment or 2) Save your sanity and walk away from this mess to a healthier and happier future.

 

I agree with that, but it's only occasionally it happens. And also I'm not drawn into it all the time. It's more the kids I'm worried about because when parents disappear for an hour on Christmas day they start to wonder what's up.

 

I'm not convinced though that I can't have a satisfying relationship just because his family is dysfunctional. We have had our run in with those patterns, we have worked through them and we are currently quite happy. There's a certain point where you have to give us credit for being grown individuals who can make choices about whether to follow in those patterns or whether to try and recognise and break them.

 

I also wouldn't suddenly leave our "family" out of the blue because a fight between his family spurred me to question whether I can save them from themselves. It is something to consider if it creates problems for us in the future, but I would lose the two things that give me the most happiness in life - my partner and his daughter.

[Mischa234]

The thing is if the bipolar sister doesn't take her medication you are not going to help her either. And depending upon the type of bipolar and severity she is you're probably not going to be able to help there either. My father is bipolar. Believe me he's no treat.

 

 

This is the hard part... She does take her medication. But she's such a mess that I think the bipolar exacerbates the emotional issues she would have had otherwise just due to having a dysfunctional family. So basically it creates someone who is not only bipolar, but irrational/short-sighted and emotionally unstable by nature.

 

Now that's a party.

[Seraphim]

This is the hard part... She does take her medication. But she's such a mess that I think the bipolar exacerbates the emotional issues she would have had otherwise just due to having a dysfunctional family. So basically it creates someone who is not only bipolar, but irrational/short-sighted and emotionally unstable by nature.

 

Now that's a party.

 

Believe me I've been to the same event.

[Mischa234]

I'm sorry to hear that things are so rough for you and you sound like a kind soul who just wants to help. However, as far as family is concerned, my advice personally would be to stay out of all this drama and cause as little tension as possible, unless someone is directly acting out towards you personally. If you want to try to get along with everyone, I would suggest not to try to "fix" things in this family because I don't think there is that much you can do and some of the resentment from K could be coming from the fact that she may think that you should not be meddling.

 

That's a good point, I forgot an important link - when the bipolar sister was staying with us she told me all these terrible arguments she had with K and I gave her a brief outline of my issues. She took that and embellished the story and blew it out of proportion and told everyone she could, to prove K is the bad sister and she was the good one.

 

So yeah, K really hated me after that but my partner defended me... And then told me not to open my mouth again because I can't trust anyone basically.

[SpottiOtti]

I think your focus should be on how you and your partner can rise above the insanity and avoid repeating the same dysfunctional patterns in your own relationship, rather than on trying to change anyone else in the family.

[pippy longstocking]

After an argument the girls had today I felt fed up and wanted to step in and organise some family meeting to get them to start a process of reconciliation.

 

massive massive mistake ...don't ..keep out of it ..

 

feel blessed that you , partner ,princess and princesses mum have such a wonderful understanding relationship and let the rest of them get on with it ...end of the day ...you will always be the "outsider" who has been accepted into their family , but when it comes to the crunch you will get the BS thrown at you for trying to solve thier problems ...This is why your partner doesn't want you to get involved .

 

Don't try and save anyone ..I have been there ..it doesn't work ..all you do is suck their toxic crap into your system and then will get told you should have kept your nose out ...least said soonest mended.

[Seraphim]

I agree just stay out of their family dysfunction paloosa .

[Mischa234]

I think your focus should be on how you and your partner can rise above the insanity and avoid repeating the same dysfunctional patterns in your own relationship, rather than on trying to change anyone else in the family.

 

Shoot for the moon & land among the stars? Seems not in this case.

 

I love the conciseness with which you summarised this valuable lesson.

[1a1a]

Various members of this family have broken your trust in them and metaphorically speaking slapped you in the face. Why do you still want their love?!

 

Not your circus, not your monkeys. Try and fix them if you want to get hurt again and again.

[DancingFool]

Please wrap your head around the fact that these people have been at this game since birth and they are really good and adept at it, and understand the internal dynamics way better than you. At the end of the day, they also seem to be loyal to each other and liable to close ranks against outsiders. So please, do yourself and them a huge favor and keep out of their issues and arguments. Instead focus on YOUR family - your bf, the little girl, your great relationship with the ex-wife. That's the family that matters.

 

When it comes to in-laws, think civil, polite, but ultimately arms length. It will save you a lot of grief and trouble.

[bulletproof]

One day she called my partner and we were arguing, he told her about it. It was a particularly bad argument and in anger I had basically threatened to call the police if he crossed the line for fighting fair - but the argument wasn't at that point yet.

 

Given the nature of your prior posts about the dysfunction in your relationship, this would be more concerning to me than what his family is doing or not doing.

Stay out of it. You are not a part of their family, and they don't have to treat you as such.

Please get yourself some intensive therapy asap so perhaps someday you can walk away from this toxic mess.

[chickadeedee]

Look, people have to WANT to change before they'll change. And if you try to MAKE then change or ride in on a horse as if you're a superior being who will 'show them the way', they will only get really angry and see you as patronizing, controlling, and egotistical. You're already headed down that path with them, and they are circling the wagons to keep you out.

 

One of the most important things you can learn about relatives, especially a partner's family members, is that you need to LOVE them as best you can and not try to control them or make them be who you want them to be. If you spend your time LOVING them rather than trying to change them, they will start to appreciate you for the nice things you do for them, the nice things you say etc., rather than all this arm wrestling going on that is going to lead to nothing but a fist fight and a brawl in the middle of the living room at the next family dinner.

 

So stop trying to control them and stop taking the attitude that you will 'fix' them. Just be caring and supportive and fun to be around, and say (once) that if they ever need your help, to let you know and you'd be happy to help. Then back off and just treat them with kindness rather than trying to control them. Listen to what Victoria has said, very wise advice.

 

And I agree with Bulletproof that you have some really large issues of your own to deal with in your own relationship if fights get to the point you are threatening to call the police. And you are glossing over this, but if he said recently he might want to 'start fresh' with a new woman to get financial protection etc., this man is not as devoted to you as you think he is. So straighten out your own relationship with your partner, and stop trying to control/change his relatives.

[catfeeder]

I would go stupid and cheerful--and stay the hell out of it.