alli Posted February 1, 2015 Share Posted February 1, 2015 I am in the process of getting a divorce. It was my idea to divorce & we have been living separately for nearly 2 months. My attorney drafted up the paperwork for an uncontested divorce and my soon to be ex told me he already has the papers signed & notarized on his end. He told me that he wants to file taxes jointly this year because he was advised that it is financially better to do so. Sure, I'm fine with that. The thing is, he wants to physically sit down together and do them, even though he currently possesses all of the documentation to just do them himself right now. Also, I have never once participated in completing the taxes. I really have nothing to contribute. I'm sure it's simple to figure out but really, I will just sit there while he does them because I don't really know how to do it. He told me he will give me the divorce papers this week when we do the taxes. I assumed I'd go up to the house we own (he is keeping it; I moved to an apartment). But today he asked if he could come to my apartment later this week to do the taxes so he could see the cat. We got her together but I took her with his permission when I moved. Just for some background, he has never been a violent person or even displayed disproportionately angry behavior. He has never been an alpha male type of person. And when I told him I wanted a divorce, he didn't flip out like I thought he might. He's really seemed pretty calm about everything. At the same time, he owns many guns including a handgun and in this situation he really has no power. I'm the one that decided to leave. I initially agreed. I feel like he is holding the divorce papers over my head. Maybe intentionally, maybe not; I just gave them to him 3 days ago. But then I emailed him & told him I'd rather go to H&R block to do the taxes & I will pay for it. He hasn't responded yet. I don't really think he would harm me, but just objectively the fact that he has no control over the situation and that he owns a handgun makes me uncomfortable. Plus, this is my space and I don't want him in it. If it were you, would you let him in your apartment? Does this seem like a really odd request? If your spouse or partner ever left you and moved away, would you ever ask them if you can come to their new home, even if it was for a valid reason like completing your taxes? I'm just wondering if this is something that seems odd to most people and he doesn't realize that he is being a bit... imposing? Link to comment
mhowe Posted February 1, 2015 Share Posted February 1, 2015 I think you are blowing a simple request out of proportion. Link to comment
sophie274 Posted February 1, 2015 Share Posted February 1, 2015 Never been in this situation, but it doesn't seem particularly odd to me at all. Most people break up over several months, and are figuring out logistics together ... plus wanting to see the cat you had together makes sense. I'm not saying you should or have to let him in. If you don't feel comfortable seeing him, or seeing him in the apartment, then you don't have to. But it wouldn't strike as scary or odd, especially if he's given you no reason to worry at all. By the way, I'm really sorry to hear this, alli. Hope you're doing ok Link to comment
lukeb Posted February 1, 2015 Share Posted February 1, 2015 I think you are blowing a simple request out of proportion. I don't think he is being imposing at all, based on your history again, there doesn't seem to be any reason to believe your safety would be in danger, so I am not sure why you are making an issue where there really isn't one. H&R block personally I find a big rip off, but if you usually use them to do your taxes I guess there is no reason to deviate from that. If you have never used H&R, and he has no problem doing the taxes himself, I can see why he wouldn't want them to take what he probably would have saved. Link to comment
Batya33 Posted February 1, 2015 Share Posted February 1, 2015 Can you have someone else there at that time? Link to comment
alli Posted February 1, 2015 Author Share Posted February 1, 2015 I'm glad it doesn't seem like that weird of a request to you guys. I initially agreed, but my dad told me absolutely not to let him in my apartment & my friends agreed. I mean it would probably be fine. But if I let him in & it wasn't fine that is a choice I would really, really regret making. He replied & said he can just do it himself. So I guess that solves that. Thanks Sophie, I'm actually doing really well. I know divorce is very difficult for most people but it's kind of the opposite for me. I feel like I can finally breathe again. Link to comment
ThatwasThen Posted February 1, 2015 Share Posted February 1, 2015 I think you made a good decision to have H & R Block do your taxes regardless of whether or not he should come to your apartment. Him doing them is a total conflict of interest and you'd do well to get professional advise. IMO, your apartment should be out of bounds to him and if he wants to see the cat that bad then maybe give him the cat and get yourself a new kitten so that he can't have that excuse. On Edit... just saw your update... I think it would be a good idea for you to get your lawyer or, your own accountant to overlook them before you sign. Link to comment
IAmFCA Posted February 1, 2015 Share Posted February 1, 2015 Be thoughtful about this, especially if your soon to be ex has a history of non-payment. You will be jointly liable for the tax payment. Link to comment
alli Posted February 1, 2015 Author Share Posted February 1, 2015 I think you made a good decision to have H & R Block do your taxes regardless of whether or not he should come to your apartment. Him doing them is a total conflict of interest and you'd do well to get professional advise. IMO, your apartment should be out of bounds to him and if he wants to see the cat that bad then maybe give him the cat and get yourself a new kitten so that he can't have that excuse. On Edit... just saw your update... Thanks! It's fine if he does the taxes himself. Even if he somehow did them in a way that maximized his return and minimized mine, that is fine. Spare change. I just want this done. And no way will I ever give up my cat!! LOL. Link to comment
alli Posted February 1, 2015 Author Share Posted February 1, 2015 Be thoughtful about this, especially if your soon to be ex has a history of non-payment. You will be jointly liable for the tax payment. Thanks. We always overpay in taxes throughout the year & end up getting a refund so a tax debt shouldn't be a problem. Link to comment
sophie274 Posted February 1, 2015 Share Posted February 1, 2015 And no way will I ever give up my cat!! LOL. When we got our kitten, I told my boyfriend that I was informing him now I would get him in a break-up! If this is a good thing for you, then I'm really glad! Come traveling down here again! Link to comment
alli Posted February 2, 2015 Author Share Posted February 2, 2015 When we got our kitten, I told my boyfriend that I was informing him now I would get him in a break-up! If this is a good thing for you, then I'm really glad! Come traveling down here again! I need to! I've been off Facebook for a couple months so I can't even creep on your fabulous pictures, lol. Link to comment
ForestofDreams Posted February 2, 2015 Share Posted February 2, 2015 Seems like he's using the taxes as a way to see you. Especially if he could just do them himself. I usually go with my gut instinct. If you don't want him to come over, then don't. If he has a handgun do you really think he is the type of person to snap and suddenly use it? Why did you divorce him? Like..how did he act in such a way that would make you afraid of a scenario like that? Link to comment
shellyf62 Posted February 2, 2015 Share Posted February 2, 2015 I don't blame you not wanting him in your apartment. It is your safe haven, and he has no right to be there. There is no way I would want my Ex Husband in my home! Link to comment
HeartGoesOn Posted February 2, 2015 Share Posted February 2, 2015 I haven't seen you around here in ages, Alli. I have nothing to add, but I'm glad to hear things are moving along, and you're getting through this. Link to comment
alli Posted February 2, 2015 Author Share Posted February 2, 2015 Seems like he's using the taxes as a way to see you. Especially if he could just do them himself. I usually go with my gut instinct. If you don't want him to come over, then don't. If he has a handgun do you really think he is the type of person to snap and suddenly use it? Why did you divorce him? Like..how did he act in such a way that would make you afraid of a scenario like that? Yeah that's how I felt, that he was using it as a way to see me. BUT when I suggested going to a tax person now he says he'll just do it himself. I think maybe he just wants more time alone to ask me again why I left him and going to a tax person doesn't give him the opportunity to do that. I still have to see him to get the divorce papers & some of my mail anyway. Now he's being terse in his emails like he's offended I don't want him in my apartment. Not sure when I will get the divorce papers now. I don't know if he would be the type of person to use it. But we were together for almost 7 years. I was his first girlfriend. He has never really been on his own as an adult. There are a variety of reasons I decided I want to be on my own. He has a lot of anxiety issues. I don't mean it as an insult to him but he just has an immature personality. He is sensitive to criticism. He can dish it out but he can't take even constructive criticism. I was really terrified he was going to lose it when I told him I was leaving. I didn't want it to be a situation where he is the last to know so I hardly told anyone beforehand. But I did tell two friends. So if anything happened to me at least someone would know what really happened. I guess it's because he's always been a bit of an underdog. Like kids at school that are bullied and snap one day. And he hasn't expressed any anger to me at all. He must feel some anger right? But by not showing any, I have no idea how much is under the surface. No one has ever pulled the rug out from under him like this before. So I guess that's why it crossed my mind. I am in the National Guard & several years ago there was a woman in my unit with an adult daughter, 18-ish. One day the girl met a friend at her college & they went to her home where she lived with her boyfriend. She got in a fight with her boyfriend. The new friend refused to leave. He shot and killed them both before killing himself. Really, it would probably be fine. But my gut tells me not to let him in. Knowing what happened to those girls just reminds me that you never know when some people will snap. There's really no reason that he has to be in my home so why let him. If for no other reason, it sets the tone that he is invited to come here and he's not. Maybe I should have just let him come over to keep things friendlier & to get the papers I need. Or maybe not. Link to comment
alli Posted February 2, 2015 Author Share Posted February 2, 2015 I haven't seen you around here in ages, Alli. I have nothing to add, but I'm glad to hear things are moving along, and you're getting through this. Thanks! I try to stay off during school because the hours slip away here & I get behind but I still like to drop in! Link to comment
ForestofDreams Posted February 2, 2015 Share Posted February 2, 2015 I think in any situation, if you're afraid for your life, then you should follow your gut instinct. Does he know your address? I've personally not told people where I live if I felt uncomfortable with them (just to put my mind at ease and life a happier life). It sucks having to worry all the time (like making sure the doors are all locked, and making sure people know what's going on in case anything bad happens to me). I had an aunt who made me feel uncomfortable. She was always angry all the time and made it a mission to always sort of interfere (stalk me) with my life. Which I found odd because it's not like I ever really knew her. I knew she was prone to getting into fights with police and stuff, so she made me feel kind of nervous. So when I moved I just never let her know anything about me and my life has been peaceful ever since. I'm wondering if maybe your ex just wants some closure. You don't have to let him over, by any means, but maybe if you ever feel that it's okay, just meet for coffee and tell him what he needs to know. But it's up to you. I've learned not to really bother with people who make me feel afraid in any way. It's just not worth it. Link to comment
sky09 Posted February 3, 2015 Share Posted February 3, 2015 Why, all of a sudden, are you afraid for your life? You say he never got violent or indicated capability. Just sounds weird... Link to comment
hers Posted February 3, 2015 Share Posted February 3, 2015 I'm really sorry to hear this. I remember when you were planning your wedding At any rate, I don't think his request is very strange, but I don't know enough background on him to think it strange or to make me think that it may be unsafe for you. I would insist doing taxes together in a public place, like a coffee shop or library on their wifi, and be done with it. Just to be on the safe side. Link to comment
alli Posted February 5, 2015 Author Share Posted February 5, 2015 I'm really sorry to hear this. I remember when you were planning your wedding At any rate, I don't think his request is very strange, but I don't know enough background on him to think it strange or to make me think that it may be unsafe for you. I would insist doing taxes together in a public place, like a coffee shop or library on their wifi, and be done with it. Just to be on the safe side. Thank you. Lesson learned- wedding and marriage are not synonymous! Overall I'm really ok. I checked out of the relationship a long time ago. The first few days and weeks were difficult but I really feel totally fine now. I wish him the best but I'm definitely feeling less stressed living on my own now. I really wasn't worried about safety until I told my family & friends that he wanted to come to my place. They thought it wasn't safe. I guess it really isn't something that I need to overanalyze. When I suggested going together to a H&R to do the taxes, he said he would just do them himself & he did. Tonight I picked up the divorce papers from him. I can tell he is still very upset and I really now I don't think safety would have been an issue if he came to my place. But it was extremely uncomfortable. I was there less than 5 minutes and that was long enough. I'm very glad I didn't let him come to my house and force myself to endure hours of that discomfort instead of minutes. Also, he might have taken that as a sign that he can come to my place regularly to "see the cat" and I'm really not ok with that. Anyway, taxes are done. I have the papers. I shouldn't have anything else that I have to see him for anymore, thank god. Link to comment
waffle Posted February 9, 2015 Share Posted February 9, 2015 Is he going to share the refund with you? Link to comment
alli Posted February 10, 2015 Author Share Posted February 10, 2015 Is he going to share the refund with you? Yep, we are splitting it. Link to comment
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