K's Dating Journal

[WithLove]

Nothing to report. I am continuing my physical health journey. I've decided to forego ACA meeting for a couple weeks, because concentrating on them and my dieting and physical fitness is exhausting me. Just going to go back to concentrating on one thing and I'll pick them back up in a few weeks.

[LoveSoDeep]

I think you're doing great WL!

 

Already down over 20 pounds and determined to reach your goal.

 

I'm with you cutting out things I love just makes me cranky and I can't do it for very long. So I do swaps...no white bread or rice I can be happy with wheat and brown rice and pasta even I can do whole wheat but not all the time. And sweets...can't just cut them out....I just can't. So I fit them in I track my calories and macros on an app and I make sure I have 100-200 left for a treat when I need it. Right now I'm trying to lose my holiday weight so I'm dieting which for me is counting calories....it's just what woks for me. I'm doing lots of fresh salads with baked chicken and some avocado and only spices and a drizzle of olive oil for dressing (which I love) and protein smoothies, lots of yogurt and a dash of granola and snack like carrot sticks or orange wedges instead of pretzels and chips. Doing this all at once is hard so I won't be able to keep it up forever but I do bits and pieces all the time. For my sweets I have slow churned ice cream in double chocolate brownie! A half a cup is 110 calories and I measure exactly that amount every time I have it (which is usually 5 times a week lol). It's keeps me from being cranky. Just know it's okay to not take away things you love....it's just going to make it harder to stick with it...so don't deprive yourself.

 

You got this!

[WithLove]

My "dating" journal seems to have a bit stagnant since I'm not dating...

 

Sort of fell off the bandwagon this weekend in terms of healthy eating. I didn't go to the gym at all (although I went 4 times during the week) and although the meals I had were healthy (tuna melt on whole grain flatbread, baked chicken with broccoli), I snacked a lot on candy throughout the weekend (and had a slice of pizza on Saturday evening). Feeling very lethargic this morning (although that's also because I'm operating on less than 4 hours of sleep... ugh). I'm feeling really guilty, even though what I ate really wasn't horrible. I paid for this trainer to guide me through the steps to get healthy, and then I decided to have a cheat weekend. Sigh.

 

I have a friend coming to visit me next month and I'm really trying to reach a short term goal in terms of health by that time. I'll post more about it at a later date.

[faraday]

You fell off the wagon...now get back on it. Don't let it be an off the wagon week.

 

And don't beat yourself up. This is a journey you're on, you're not at the destination yet.

[WithLove]

I mostly feel guilty because I paid good money for the guidance of my trainer and I pretty much disregarded all of that over the weekend. I hate wasting money.

[LoveSoDeep]

I mostly feel guilty because I paid good money for the guidance of my trainer and I pretty much disregarded all of that over the weekend. I hate wasting money.

 

Actually, maybe it's good to let yourself feel this guilt a little (just a little). I mean what you want is to be healthy and you did sabotage that a tiny bit this weekend, but maybe the guilt will stop you from doing it again. Spending good money on stuff usually motivates me pretty well too, so I totally understand.

 

Overall though, I think "Cheat" days or cheat meals are a must when you're on a very restrictive plan. I feel like if I don't let myself indulge a little I'll never make it to my goal, I'll fall of he wagon for good way before I get anywhere. Don't beat yourself up over it, just get back on the wagon and keep going. If you feel like you need a "Cheat day" to stay motivated for the long haul, maybe talk to your trainer about that. I also highly recommend a food diary even when you cheat....it lets you know just how far overboard you went and when you have to write down every piece of candy you slip in it makes you think twice before doing it. Just a thought.

[WithLove]

I feel like I don't want to have a cheat day for the month of nutritional and physical guidance I paid for. I have time for that after our sessions end. I want to make the absolute most of my time with my trainer.

 

I also was really struggling this morning with my lack of sleep and sluggish attitude from the crap I ate all weekend, so I allowed myself a very small amount of coffee. Think of those small Styrofoam cups they use a doctors' offices for complimentary coffee - it was half of one of those cups. It's the first caffeine I've had since October, and I have to tell you - it's more than 4 hours later and I'm still hopped up like I took drugs instead! I feel like the coffee was laced with Ritalin as well. My legs won't stop moving and my hands have been shaking the entire time. I can feel my heart racing out of my chest and my FitBit has been clocking in a steady 105-110 heart rate since I drank it - even when I'm not moving. I definitely appreciate not having caffeine in my system and I won't be doing this again, no matter how tired I feel.

[LoveSoDeep]

I feel like I don't want to have a cheat day for the month of nutritional and physical guidance I paid for. I have time for that after our sessions end. I want to make the absolute most of my time with my trainer.

 

I also was really struggling this morning with my lack of sleep and sluggish attitude from the crap I ate all weekend, so I allowed myself a very small amount of coffee. Think of those small Styrofoam cups they use a doctors' offices for complimentary coffee - it was half of one of those cups. It's the first caffeine I've had since October, and I have to tell you - it's more than 4 hours later and I'm still hopped up like I took drugs instead! I feel like the coffee was laced with Ritalin as well. My legs won't stop moving and my hands have been shaking the entire time. I can feel my heart racing out of my chest and my FitBit has been clocking in a steady 105-110 heart rate since I drank it - even when I'm not moving. I definitely appreciate not having caffeine in my system and I won't be doing this again, no matter how tired I feel.

 

Ah, okay. I see. If you don't want to have cheat days then that's totally up to you. Sometimes it's better to just power through and stay on course.I would still recommend the food diary I think you can do that on the fitbit app.

 

Yeah, caffeine can really do a number on you if you haven't had any for a while. Hope the unwelcome side effects pass quickly for you!

[faraday]

I get that you want to follow the plan to a "t" with your trainer...but when you say, "I can have cheat days later" it makes me think you're looking at this as a short term thing, instead of a lifestyle/long term goal. It might be good to talk to her about cheat days/meals so they can be built into your lifestyle...so that you have deficits on other days to make up for it (or however you want your long term lifestyle to be- maybe you have a couple of really killer workouts to make up for it idk).

[WithLove]

What I meant is that - I paid to follow her directions in as thorough a manner as possible. She told me she didn't want me to have any cheat days for the first two weeks; and after that, I could have one once a week. What I am saying is that I wanted to use this month as the month to get good habits down so that when I do have cheat days, they aren't too terrible even then because the habits I develop over a month of not cheating will have me selecting better things.

[faraday]

Ah, I missed the no cheat days for two weeks. So has she worked cheat days into your plan for a later date?

[WithLove]

Feeling discouraged today. Not dropping any numbers on the scale. Feeling tired and out of sorts today. Does anyone remember Tyler? Dated him last year for like 2 months? He reached out to me late last year a few months after I broke it off. I didn't get the message because it went into a filtered folder that I don't access. I saw it for the first time last week. It was a message basically saying hi, that he still thought of me, and he talked about some troubles he was going through. It just felt like he was trying to reach out to someone that cared; I didn't a romantic vibe at all.

 

I looked at it for a few days and finally decided to reply. I apologized for not seeing the message and just basically replied to some of the things he mentioned. He replied back and told me how he had been a really bad place at that time. A family member had passed away; a good friend had been in an accident and was in a coma for weeks; and Tyler kept getting sick, not fully recovering. It felt, to me, like he just needed to talk to someone that had cared about him. He then told me how he was doing better; he met a girl and they are dating now, and it's going well. I replied to all that and haven't yet heard back. If I do, great. And if I don't, that's okay, too.

 

Anyway, I told all that to tell about having a dream last night where Tyler had asked me to go out to dinner. In my head I assumed it was a friendly meal, since I knew he had a girlfriend; but he picked me up and the restaurant was fancy, and we were dressed in fancy clothes, so I knew it was definitely a date. While we were ordering, I was thinking about how I didn't want to be in a relationship with Tyler and that I should probably stop this date and tell him, but a small part of me remembered how he used to hold my hand and run his fingers lightly up and down my arm when he was feeling sweet. I missed that. And then I woke up.

[faraday]

Sometimes it takes a while for the numbers to go down- and you might be retaining water from your cheat weekend.

 

I'm glad I don't have many dreams that I remember...your dream would weird me out (if I was you). A bit unsettling, hey?

[LoveSoDeep]

To me that dream sounds like you're missing that connection but scared of it at the same time.

 

Sometimes it take a couple weeks to see numbers on the scale change you could be retaining water from your cheat meal but also muscles retain water when they are repairing...not a ton but they do. If you're feeling sore after your workouts you are causing tiny little tears in the muscles which is what needs to happen for them to get stronger but they also have to repair each time. Because this is a new workout for you you're probably in a cycle where you just barely repair your sore muscles and then you're back at the gym...which is not a bad thing but give it some time. If your muscles are really sore right after the workout use ice but then a day or two later if they are still sore try to soak in an Epsom salt bath...the salts help to replace minerals you need to get back to equilibrium with the amount of fluids in your muscles...and it feels good too.

[Ms Darcy]

What I meant is that - I paid to follow her directions in as thorough a manner as possible. She told me she didn't want me to have any cheat days for the first two weeks; and after that, I could have one once a week. What I am saying is that I wanted to use this month as the month to get good habits down so that when I do have cheat days, they aren't too terrible even then because the habits I develop over a month of not cheating will have me selecting better things.

 

If you had a goal to do something for two weeks and weren't able to meet that goal, I would think about the circumstances around why that happened. For example, were you feeling very tired this weekend? Lonely? Bored? Lazy? What were the conditions that created the "cheating" for lack of a better term. I notice that I just don't have "cheat" food at home. So, if you tend to nibble when you are bored, at least you'll be nibbling on healthier choices.

[WithLove]

I got fired today. I violated social media policy. Posted something a few days ago that apparently wasn't conducive to my company in my new title. I'm not going to get into it here. Suffice to say, I've reached an all-time low. I probably won't be posting for awhile. I need to withdraw into myself for awhile.

[ThatwasThen]

I got fired today. I violated social media policy. Posted something a few days ago that apparently wasn't conducive to my company in my new title. I'm not going to get into it here. Suffice to say, I've reached an all-time low. I probably won't be posting for awhile. I need to withdraw into myself for awhile.

 

Talk to a labour lawyer. Perhaps you have a case for wrongful dismissal?

[faraday]

I'm sorry hun. Idk what to say.

 

((((((((K))))))))

[thejigsup]

Talk to a labour lawyer. Perhaps you have a case for wrongful dismissal?

 

If you violate a social media policy, it's pretty serious and cut and dried. No wrongful dismissal there. There was a strict policy that was violated. Maybe not intentionally, but violated, nonetheless. You have to be careful about what you post on social media with some jobs. When I worked as a teacher for public schools, they knew EVERYTHING you posted on fb and twitter. I learned to be very careful what I posted and what was sent to me. I quit fb and really don't use twitter much anymore. Too risky with some jobs.

[missmarple]

I'm sorry, WL!!! I hope things get better for you soon

[notalady]

So sorry to hear this WL!! I hope you get back on your feet soon!

[WithLove]

It was my own stupidity. What I posted wasn't bad or revealing. But regardless, someone connected what I said to my job and they found out. I removed the 3 people I was "friends" with on my social media (from different departments, even) and deactivated my account.

 

I put in an application last night to another radiology facility. I'll do more today. I'm still in shock. That job saved my life. For over two years, its stability enabled me to focus on other parts of my life that weren't stable so that I could make them better. And not I've lost it. I really f****d up.

 

I hope I can find something soon, within the next week. I paid my rent a few days ago, so I'll be okay til April. I am praying to whoever is listening to find something comparative to what I had. I'm being completely honest when I say that I would rather kill myself than move in with my father again.

[WithLove]

I woke up this morning knowing that cutting myself off from the world is a terrible idea. I'll post when I'm able to.

 

Thanks, everyone, for your support. I also received a text from my former supervisor, telling me she was sorry for what happened, that it was a shock to her, too, and that I could use her for a reference if needed. So there's a tiny silver lining there.

[Ms Darcy]

I'm very sorry that happened. I hope you find another job very soon.

[faraday]

It is quite a shock. It was the last thing I expected you to post today. Good luck today with the job hunt- I hope you can get a decent amount of applications in and that you hear back from some soon.