wondering731 Posted January 17, 2015 Share Posted January 17, 2015 The same girl who stonewalled me but who I have had strong feelings towards has temporary allowed me back into her life. She lost her job and needs the support and I have been glad to give it to her. As much as I want to continue to support her, I get the feeling that this will be short-lived and once she is better she will go back to stone-walling. Not to say I don't deserve it since I was very inconsiderate and mean to her in a few instances that led it to be that way, but I don't want to go through the same pain as before and would like the forums advice on what to do. During our conversations she will say things like "I hope you know I only move forward" (which is what she said when I tried apologizing after she shut me out) and has called me in her language the equivalence of big brother. I didn't mind her calling me big brother until I looked further into the meaning and is really just a known way to say "I'm not interested" and is not really a term of endearment. I haven't tried to initiate any type of relationship though and have just tried to listen and support, but she has said both several times already. When I was texting and joking with her earlier she out of nowhere mentioned that a guy had asked her out on a date. I kind of felt hurt. I'm not sure what I'm doing or how to proceed with this. Any advice is helpful. Thanks Link to comment
mhowe Posted January 17, 2015 Share Posted January 17, 2015 She is using you. Plain and simple. I hope you aren't giving her $$. Link to comment
ThatwasThen Posted January 17, 2015 Share Posted January 17, 2015 Agreed. Why are you being so White Knight? She will have nothing to do with you once she no longer needs to use you. Its' plain by the way you describe her attitude towards you. I hope you're not giving her money as well. Link to comment
Beyourself13 Posted January 17, 2015 Share Posted January 17, 2015 Hi. How did you two start communicating again? Did she initiate or did you? If you initiated it means that a) you are accepting that stonewalling is fine with you and that b) your hurt feelings are not important to discuss between the two of you. This seems like a situation where she will continue to exploit you and you will end up in a lot more pain. My suggestion would be to try and work on being upfront with her in a nice way about how you are feeling. Do you really want this to be an unequal relationship where you support her but she gives little back? And then ups and leaves when it suits her? You have to ask yourself why you are attracted to this kind of relationship. Maybe it is time to challenge her a little bit and let her know how hurt you were and does that even mean anything to her? Why would you want someone in your life who does not care about your feelings? Your feelings matter a lot and you are going to be so much happier with people in your life who acknowledge how you feel. Bring it up with her and see what she says. And apologise to her for any of the times you were inconsiderate and show her that you are now different if you are both prepared to work on an equal footing relationship...where you both give and take in equal proportions. Relationships are all about working on ourselves and how we communicate. I'm sure this will give you lots of challenges for your own growth! Good luck! Link to comment
wondering731 Posted January 17, 2015 Author Share Posted January 17, 2015 She is using you. Plain and simple. I hope you aren't giving her $$. Not money. Just some of the spare time I have and sometimes hugs. So what do I do? Just stop responding, or wait til she gets a bit better, or... ? Link to comment
wondering731 Posted January 17, 2015 Author Share Posted January 17, 2015 I made the first contact when I heard. She was my superior and we had a line of communication but only work related. I felt really bad and told her how I felt. Thanks! Questions though... Is it really a good time now to challenge her now? It's only been about a week. She's still hurting and in pain. And how would I start this? Link to comment
Slyness Posted January 17, 2015 Share Posted January 17, 2015 What the f did I just read. It seems to me that she has no romantic interest in you and you are trying to help her. That's fine and all if you want to be her friend and nothing more. If you think your going to play the friend card and switch it over to a lover you are in for some pain. Stay the f away from this woman. Go find someone that is interested in you. If some woman that I was courting told me some guy asked her out I would tell her "does he know your crazy?" I would then walk away not not look back. Man up go NC and don't look back. Link to comment
wondering731 Posted January 17, 2015 Author Share Posted January 17, 2015 What the f did I just read. It seems to me that she has no romantic interest in you and you are trying to help her. That's fine and all if you want to be her friend and nothing more. If you think your going to play the friend card and switch it over to a lover you are in for some pain. Stay the f away from this woman. Go find someone that is interested in you. If some woman that I was courting told me some guy asked her out I would tell her "does he know your crazy?" I would then walk away not not look back. Man up go NC and don't look back. I don't even know what I'm trying to do. I have never been stonewalled in my 30 years of existence so it may have really scarred me. Honestly, I'm not sure. She is seriously amazing but my mind is not thinking straight and hasn't been since it happened. I didn't respond to the post about her being asked out. She came back a few hours later with a different topic. Link to comment
Willywagtail Posted January 17, 2015 Share Posted January 17, 2015 Nope. Nope Nope. Don't even go near this one. Clearly you thought 'looking after her while she's needing support' might give you an 'in'. She's telling you it won't. Listen to her words and observe her actions. She's telling you she has no interest. Don't take it any further, and take the hint. Stop hoping - it will only lead to you feeling awful. Link to comment
Slyness Posted January 17, 2015 Share Posted January 17, 2015 On a better note Gollum has an awesome picture. It made me laugh Kudos Link to comment
ParisPaulette Posted January 17, 2015 Share Posted January 17, 2015 Owww, she nailed you not just once, but twice with total friendzone material. "You are like a big/little brother to me" (or other variation on that theme) followed by "This hot guy asked me out" (or other variation on that theme). Kiss.of.death romance-wise. I should know, I've dealt those particular blows back when I was young and thought it was okay to be friends with some poor sod I saw right through, but still had no intentions of ever dating. To that degree the young can be thoughtlessly cruel sometimes. It's not a moment I'm proud of BTW, but her disinterest in you as anything but a time passer could not be more obvious. You do understand overgiving never gets you anywhere. It's not like you can bribe people into feelings for you. Well, unless you're really rich I suppose and even there they've got to know sooner or later the purchased half of the couple is going to start sampling from the mansion staff or the like. There is no stonewalling here. It's a complete lack of interest, big difference. Link to comment
ForestofDreams Posted January 17, 2015 Share Posted January 17, 2015 Usually when they say "You're like a big brother" that's it... I know because I've been there. Except it was a guy telling me I was like a sister to him. Trust me on this one, she's going to end up hurting you. She is giving you fair warning by letting you know. If you are feeling hurt, you need to start by letting her go. I know it's tough, but why drag it out? Why get hurt even more and more? She sounds like she just wants you as a friend, and you really need to let her know that you can't be. I think you need to move on from her. I'm sorry to say Lots of hugs and support! Link to comment
wondering731 Posted January 17, 2015 Author Share Posted January 17, 2015 It was different in the past. She went from holding my hand, playing with my hair and being playful one night to no response the next day for a long time after (a hurtful comment was made by me that night that I saw as a joke).. you're right and it is different now. I don't know what to do. I still want to leave a shred of an opening even though I know it's pointless.. Should I just say something like " if I was any help during these hard times than thanks for letting me be there. You seem better now. I have changed who I was in the past for the better because of you and I thank you for that but I know you need to move forward and don't want to block your path". My mind feels a bit crippled and can't think straight so thanks for the help and any criticism on that comment is appreciated Link to comment
ForestofDreams Posted January 17, 2015 Share Posted January 17, 2015 If you continue to support her, she will think it's okay and keep doing this. She's trying to mold you into something for her (a buddy), while she dates other people. You have to pick yourself up and move on with your life and maybe date someone new. Link to comment
Fudgie Posted January 17, 2015 Share Posted January 17, 2015 Is this the same woman who told you to "shut the ___ up" at work in front of others? She clearly doesn't feel a darn thing for you. She has made that clear. What are you hoping to gain by helping her out? To somehow change her mind? You won't. This situation has played out millions of times before. Guy is friend-zoned by girl, guy still has feelings for girl, guy helps out girl by giving her money or being an emotional tampon for her when she's feeling low, and what happens? Girl never changes her mind about the guy! I think as you said, you want a shred of an opening even though you know it's pointless. It is pointless. Time to move on and focus your energies elsewhere where you will be more successful. Link to comment
wondering731 Posted January 17, 2015 Author Share Posted January 17, 2015 Is this the same woman who told you to "shut the ___ up" at work in front of others? She clearly doesn't feel a darn thing for you. She has made that clear. What are you hoping to gain by helping her out? To somehow change her mind? You won't. This situation has played out millions of times before. Guy is friend-zoned by girl, guy still has feelings for girl, guy helps out girl by giving her money or being an emotional tampon for her when she's feeling low, and what happens? Girl never changes her mind about the guy! I think as you said, you want a shred of an opening even though you know it's pointless. It is pointless. Time to move on and focus your energies elsewhere where you will be more successful. Yes fudgie... It is the same girl... The relationships where I am adored and could do no wrong go stale rather quickly for me. The challenging ones with high demands are more fun, and exhilarating. Disturbing but what can ya do? Link to comment
LC8328 Posted January 17, 2015 Share Posted January 17, 2015 This is the Filipina, right? So I can assume she's calling you 'kuya'? My parents are Filipino, and you know we have huge families, and to my knowledge, women don't call guys they like with that title. Not having been raised in the Philippines and identifying as American, the only men I have ever referred to that way are the uncle or family-friend types. Never in a romantic way. Older married Filipino couples are likely to call each other "Mom" and "Dad" but that's about it. I have called a past co-worker the female equivalent of that word, and it was solely a respectful term. Culturally speaking only, I believe she sees you as a fixture in her life - a platonic one. Culture aside, she's using you, and this seriously can't be a friendship in which you benefit at all. I agree it's time for you to move on. Link to comment
sonicfan287 Posted January 17, 2015 Share Posted January 17, 2015 Yes fudgie... It is the same girl... The relationships where I am adored and could do no wrong go stale rather quickly for me. The challenging ones with high demands are more fun, and exhilarating. Disturbing but what can ya do? This attitude (and I'm not saying it's the most defining trait of your personality because I don't know you very well) drives me CRAZY when other friends of mine use it. I know girls in similar situations to you (and some guys) who only associate with people who play these "yo-yo" games with them and when I ask them why, they say something similar, that they like the 'challenge'. but since when is love supposed to be a challenge? There are enough challenges in life... finding employment, competition in the workplace, or sports, healthcare, financial woes, etc. why does love have to be an added burden?? I would KILL (don't take that too literally lol) to have a relationship where I was 'adored', I'd even settle for well liked. My point is, if you have had those kind of relationships before (where you were adored), that's what you need to be seeking out. If you'd like to be friends with some women being full aware of what simple friendship means and nothing more, that's fine, but I'm just confused why you'd look at it as a challenge when it seems to just cause you more distress than happiness. Even a 'challenge' is supposed to be something that can be accomplished with a certain amount of effort. This cannot be "accomplished" from what you're telling us, so it's not even a challenge, just an impossible situation Link to comment
wondering731 Posted January 17, 2015 Author Share Posted January 17, 2015 This is the Filipina, right? So I can assume she's calling you 'kuya'? My parents are Filipino, and you know we have huge families, and to my knowledge, women don't call guys they like with that title. Culturally speaking only, I believe she sees you as a fixture in her life - a platonic one. Culture aside, she's using you, and this seriously can't be a friendship in which you benefit at all. I agree it's time for you to move on. Yes and yes I told her there is something about that term I really like and something I don't. She didn't respond to that and just called me it yesterday. I don't want it to end with me going total NC out of the blue. I also feel like telling her that even though she already told me "no", I have changed and im around in case she changes her mind. Why? Just in case there's a 0.0001% chance ... Lol. If I were to end it I'm not sure how to convey all this or do it. Link to comment
mhowe Posted January 17, 2015 Share Posted January 17, 2015 Then tell her you prefer to be called "doormat". Link to comment
wondering731 Posted January 17, 2015 Author Share Posted January 17, 2015 Then tell her you prefer to be called "doormat". It's not like she asked for my support to start... I started it so it's my fault. Link to comment
mhowe Posted January 17, 2015 Share Posted January 17, 2015 Please find some pride and dignity and let her out of your life. Link to comment
wondering731 Posted January 18, 2015 Author Share Posted January 18, 2015 Please find some pride and dignity and let her out of your life. Well... Decided not to wish her a good morning or check up on her... So one day of nc .. I'm going to try because you're right.. I seriously need to Link to comment
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