Another online daing journal

[reinventmyself]

Well. . I just cancelled Christmas Eve.  I've cooked dinner every year (except last) for more than 20 years.

The catalyst is my brothers family.  With the pandemic and political views, things have become pretty divisive.   My brother and his family, (wife, daughters, husbands, toddlers) are of the camp this whole thing is a political conspiracy and covid doesn't really exist.  Fair enough.  I respect anyone's position and how they choose to manage it is entirely their business.  I'll just ask that you respect mine.  

I am of a different camp.  Somewhere in the middle, maybe more on the conservative side.  I don't live in a bubble, but I do make calculated decisions about where I am going and who I interact with.  I prefer to be around like minded people.   

My home seems to get smaller as my family grows larger.  I even bought a 10 foot canopy, along with tables and chairs so we would dine outside.  But as the day grew nearer I was growing more uncomfortable.   Aside from the news spiralling about the numbers,  I think what  really swayed me was  - as much as I know people are divided about this, I do not want to debate it.  I am not going to try to get you see it any other way.  So please give me the courtesy of allowing me to conduct my life as I choose without a lecture.

My SIL calls me about the vaccinations, dead babies and conspiracies.  My brother the next day - going into some monolog about the testing being flawed.  <sigh>  I just listen and try to change the subject.

Things start to come together.  Though I would be cooking for 14, I still need to work half day.  My 14 year old kitty is being checked in to an imaging center on Sunday and released sometime on Christmas Eve for treatment for hyperthyroid.  As of today they won't give me and estimated pick up time,  which is also about 30 to 40 minutes away.

S's frail parents will be back in town.  I can't in good conscience have a houseful and think I am could go to his home the following day.  So basically my sons and my brothers family will carry on on Christmas day and I'll be sentencing myself to 4 days of isolation, until S's parents leave.  S didn't come right out and say it, but I told him if it was my mother, I would have misgivings had he entertained a houseful the night before.   Add to that we turned down a backyard Christmas get together on Saturday due the anticipation of S's parents.  Doing anything different would be hypocritical.

So  . . .in it's place I'll cook dinner for my two sons, my daughter in law, granddaughter (she wont eat much;) and my ex husband? and his girlfriend?  Too long a story how that evolved, but hell really does freeze over. lol.  Not sure if S can sneak away from his parents, but the invitation is there.  

I could hear the surprise and disappointment in my brothers voice.  I had such a hard time making that call.. . until he started to lecture me.  "There you go"  I am thinking to myself.  This is exactly why I made the decision.  With that he invited me to their Christmas open house.   Should I say that again?? **Open house!  Just goes to show how far apart we are.   An open invitation to countless friends and family to an uncontrolled environment.  At the exact same time our governor announces he's ordered body bags and refrigerated trucks.

This one is for the books. . 

 

 

[Rose Mosse]

Hope it all goes smoothly, reinvent. Sending you lots of good vibes.

[reinventmyself]

1 hour ago, Rose Mosse said:

Hope it all goes smoothly, reinvent. Sending you lots of good vibes.

Same to Rose.  Happy Holidays

[Batya33]

I appreciate you sharing this -this is real life, this is the real nitty gritty impact even for those of us blessed not to actually have covid.  I hope it works out and happy holidays to you and your growing family! I have to go for my annual well check tomorrow and I would normally take an uber but because of covid I can't.  I will take public transport but it's a short enough ride and not crowded/people comply mask-wise I think that it shoudl be ok.  I bring that up because the main risks I've been taking are food shopping and essential medical/dental.  I've done nothing social at all in person, haven't eaten in a restaurant, no plans to (even outdoors).  

 

Some anti-mask vacuous piece of lint posted on facebook that I should go to my favorite store even though I'm not (too crowded/too small) and shouldn't let the virus stop me.  I try to stay in my lane and simply not respond but I told her what stops me from living my life are people who refuse to wear masks in stores or "wear" them below their noses and then meditate in the canned tuna aisle deciding what to buy.  That is what stops me from moving along and singing my song (well singing when I get home lol).

Best to you!!  

[bluecastle]

Just a note to say I'll be sending good vibes your way, reinvent. Takes a lot of gumption to know your limits, and to carve out a place of safety. That's something to celebrate these days, and all days, even when it changes the tenor of holiday celebrations. 

 

[reinventmyself]

I haven't written here in awhile.

I am still here, exactly 11 months today, still sitting in my dining room.

I just got out of a conference call with a consulting team about what our company will look like going fwd.  Like most companies, having just realized we can efficiently run a business remotely, we are hiring attorneys to renegotiate our leases for 4 different office spaces, starting with our corporate office.

Our company holds it's corporate office in a bougie area in the city, on top of hill.  There is a certain status when your signature page and stationary has this particular address on it.  Along with that comes close to 1M in rent per month, not counting operating expenses.  Next there are the three other satellite offices which will be up next for renegotiation.

The planning for moves and/or reconstruction takes months.  At the same time see the light at the end of the tunnel for (semi) retirement, but this is the part of my job that I love the most, is the most challenging and I hate the most, all at the same time.  Will I even be here to see it's inception and do I want to go through all that stress?  For the time being I just take it day by day. 

My boss is one year younger than I am and I wonder if he thinks the same thing.   This is a great opportunity and challenge for someone in their 30's.  I've done this so many times in my career and I can say without a doubt that the demands of these types of projects and stress has aged me some.

It might be different if I had a different boss.   I don't want to waste any space going on (too much) about him, but he is the without a doubt the worst.  I would even consider staying on longer if it wasn't for him

For reasons I can't explain, because it hurts my head to try to figure out what makes him tick, I feel reduced to his personal assistant.  I know my place, he is my boss.  But if someone offered me a job to be his personal assistant I would rather be unemployed. 

He is messy, erratic, eccentric, a head f*er and on a daily basis he starts something and then gives it me to finish. . or follow up on. Mind you, I have a job, responsibilities and a staff that reports to me.  Instead he makes sure he has the audience of executive management before he dumps things on me. 

Noone is the wiser that he's not really doing any of these things, instead it's me behind the scenes being the nothing more than his clean up.   He gets all the credit.  The thought of going into moves and construction under his maniacal ways causes me serious concern for my emotional wellbeing.

There has been some training of staff in certain technical areas for the purpose of working remotely, along with one on one help.  For some reason he thinks it takes the two of us to help one person on conference call. I am never allowed to speak, but sit there like a puppet. 

If he does help someone on his own and needs to follow up a few days later he makes me call them.  Mind you, I have no clue what their particular issue was to begin with and have to ask them.   It's like a mechanic under the hood of your car for two days and then he has the day off and he tells me to clean up.  I have no idea what he's done.  He thinks he's teaching me or something.  The staff gets annoyed when they have to start all over again with something he could have finished.

I lost it the other day and told my boss to "stay in his lane"   I figured the worst he could do is fire me.  I didn't really care in the moment.  I added we look like bumblers, me calling staff and asking them what he did and from there not having all the pieces of the puzzle to ultimately resolve it.  I end up telling them I can't fix their problem.  I get set up to look like an idiot. 

On my own, one on one I can resolve an issue start to finish.  But this crazy way my boss has of driving a bus around for days, just to ditch it somewhere where I can't find it is ridiculous.  Imagine doing this times 10, all day. 

He has no conscience wasting peoples times.  He has a rep installing plexiglass mockups that we have no intention on buying.  He has an appt with these reps to return one morning to do some more, different style.  Mind you, he's 5 min's from the office.  I mention I am going in on that day too.  I am an hour drive away.   

I knew he would do this - he calls at 10:30.  The exact time I am getting in my car to drive to the office.  He asks " are they there yet?"  "Who are they?" I play dumb.  "The Humanscale reps!"  He responds.   I said "I have no idea, I am just now leaving my house"  He raises his voice  "You said you were going in today to meet the Humanscale reps"   Me:  "We did NOT have this conversation" 

Sadly, I can expect him to do such things.  Had he asked me like a normal person might, I would have done it.   But the fact that what comes naturally for him is to be manipulative and lie, I made it a point to not leave me house until later.  

I am ranting here.  It's just a matter of time.  But for the time being if they want to pay me to sit in my bathrobe, I can do this for while.

[Jibralta]

7 minutes ago, reinventmyself said:

Noone is the wiser that he's not really doing any of these things, instead it's me behind the scenes being the nothing more than his clean up. He gets all the credit. 

Sigh. You should quit and leave him to hang 😄

Just let him dangle there.

[Jibralta]

9 minutes ago, reinventmyself said:

He asks " are they there yet?"  "Who are they?" I play dumb.  "The Humanscale reps!"  He responds.   I said "I have no idea, I am just now leaving my house"  He raises his voice  "You said you were going in today to meet the Humanscale reps"   Me:  "We did NOT have this conversation" 

He sounds a lot like Frank, from my last job. Pure sociopath.

[reinventmyself]

2 hours ago, Jibralta said:

Sigh. You should quit and leave him to hang 😄

Just let him dangle there.

Oh  . .  I imagine it often.  It's a given, he'll piss me off.  I picture walking off and there is no way, not even on a good day he could do it himself. 

He has his strengths, but I am the one that actually executes the dirty work and gets it done.    

They would be totally screwed if I walked in the midst of it all.  And I am not flattering myself here.  This says more about him then it does me.  It's just the way it is.

[reinventmyself]

I don't write here much.  Thinking of starting a new journal.  My online *daing experiences are long gone. . along with the misspelled title that I never thought to change.  Someone did ask me in playful way to change it once.  I figured it was fitting of my writing style, where my little brain is faster than my typing skills and therefore I am bound to have a lot of typos.  

13 months and counting.  Aaargh.  We have a back to work date of August 1.  Phase one, staff will be required to come in one day a week.   Being in operations and having a boss who is not only not an advocate for his own staff, he willingly sacrifices us on any given day.  I can anticipate all the moving parts and I have one employee apply for a better opportunity in another department and therefore one position open.  It's been weeks and I don't have any word on an approval to hire.  That's fine for now but once back in the office there are not enough employees in my department for coverage, let alone having the privilege of working in the hybrid model that the entire company culture is moving forward with.  So, the writing is kind of of on the wall but no one has the guts to say it to me.. yet

I never know what my breaking point will be, but returning to 11 to 12 hr days with my commute, being short staffed and working 5 days week to accomodate 20% daily occupancy, no guests, no meetings and packing up to downsize space - will be my moment. I won't last long enough to see the actual construction considering I am meetings with consultants and interviews with architects a couple days a week.  Actual construction would likely be 1 1/2 to 2 yrs from now. 

That and the mention of my staff wiping down high touch areas and future discussions of reconfiguring the offices for hotelling and sharing. And again inferring that my staff will be wiping down desk surfaces as well. "if they want to keep their jobs!"  was my boss and my bosses boss exact words.   I get that this is the reality, but who says that??  It's so demeaning and they don't deserve that. When your staff is given a task it's pretty much guaranteed that you'll be doing the same.

I won't go into how fun my job used to be and the challenges, privileges and opportunities I've been given.  This isn't it.  Not anymore.   So, I just take it day by day.  

I arranged access for an employee who has decided to leave today.  There is often the mention in HR emails of outgoing staffs exit interview.  I often think of what I would say.  I have soooooo much to say and it's about reliving everything that is toxic and has been toxic, that I just don't need the stress. I get anxious just thinking about it. Besides, if I thought it would make any difference I might do it.  But it's a conflict of interest that my bosses boss is Sr VP of HR.  She used to be my advocate and was really supportive.  Now I trust her as far as I can throw her.  Myself and the other supervisor have absolutely no one to go to.  (long story)  Thinking I'll agree to a time and place and then just not show up and change my number.

I get that I am getting ahead of myself.  But this is my 18th year with this company.  Taking that leap of faith and leaving occupies my every thought lately.  You know you are pretty much done if this all you do. . .

[Jibralta]

I don't know how you do it!

[Jibralta]

Haven't heard from you in a while. Hope all is well.

[reinventmyself]

On 7/25/2021 at 1:09 PM, Jibralta said:

Haven't heard from you in a while. Hope all is well.

good grief.  Just wrote a novel, pressed submit and it disappeared.

Thanks for asking.  I took a break from here.  It wasn't planned.  Just sort of worked out that way.  

I may need a nap after everything I just wrote . . . Lol.    If I have another hour to kill later Ill try to rewrite it.

Hope all is well with you. . .Turning to your journal now.

[reinventmyself]

I did it!   I put in my resignation.  My last day is 9/17.  

Making this decision and then actually acting on it was just as grueling as making the decision to divorce. Ironically I lasted 18 years at both.

Things just got way too toxic.  As if things weren't toxic enough already.  The difference is while in the office I could avoid my toxic boss for days at a time.  Now with the work from home culture there is the air of accountability and he has abused his access to me to the tune of 10 to 20 times a day.  I feel somewhat terrorized by him.

Add in the other half of our team and their supervisor have been egregiously taking advantage of their privileges and it translates into them working 7 to 12 hours a week and getting paid for 40.  This comes as no surprise to me as he's always run his team differently.  I justified that it didn't change my world because regardless, it's in my character to actually work for the time I am paid and I expect the same for my team.  I just keep my eyes on my paper and no-one gets hurt until there is some cross over and their shenanigan's begin to make my job harder than necessary.  Then it's game over.  

I knew my boss was aware to a degree but never did anything about it.  He imposed some weak accountability system for them.  It would last for one day and he'd never enforce it. Over the course of the last year I subtly mention my frustration without giving up a lot of information.  That was dismissed and months later I circle back again and each time I continue to escalate the issue and get a little more outspoken.

It's very much like working along side of people stealing money from the register.  You see it, you know your boss does too and no one does anything about it. If this is the case then it's a department I no longer want to work for. 

In the meantime work continues to pile on my desk, I am short staffed and the young people on the other team are getting sloppy, posting pictures on instagram of their trips to vegas and hiking paths while on the clock.   At the same time my team is getting agitated and wanting me to do something about it.

My team has to log into this software everyday which ends up being some sort of hamster wheel you can't get off of.  At one point, one of the young men from the other team is designated to support us to free me up to actually do my own job.  I have the supervisor version of the software and though he gets credit for time logged in, I can see he is actually doing absolutely nothing and abusing it.  This lasted maybe a week and half and he stopped logging in all together. Even with that my boss acknowledged his supposed hard work in a meeting in front of my staff who know better.  This kid made some snarky comment to taunt my team taking unearned credit.  Again, I speak up, get some typical response but no action or consequences. 

This same young man is going through empty offices while the staff works from home and collects access cards of retired or resigned staff and creates 4 separate burner cards.  In his own words.  " I am doing this so The Man can't track me"   Not sure why he felt compelled to a supervisor (me) who's responsible for the cards and software to track people to begin with. . but even with that I didn't speak up right away,  Instead, disabling cards whenever I see any activity on them.  No doubt he thought is our dept manager making his life difficult and not me.     Anyway I can go on and on, but it was getting out of control.  It just added so much more to my ongoing discomfort, so I called my financial planner in July.

It's still took me all this time to pull the trigger.  I sensed it would be a firestorm of controversy and my leaving puts my boss and the department in a bind.  We have secured consultants and architects to move fwd in downsizing our cooperate office in '22.  while simultaneously bring the staff back.  I wear a couple different hats, but this type of project is where I shine and my company knows it. My boss likes to talk about it and have meetings about it.  But I am actually the one who does the work.  

He never had my back so at this point I can no longer be concerned of what condition I leave him and the department in.

I've had a couple of interesting meetings and more to come.  HR livid about the hostility in our department and for some odd reason I find myself in the hot seat with everyone demanding answers from me?   How do we fix this and how do we manage your responsibilities in your absence?!   i just shrug and say I don't know. 

I still have a couple weeks working with these people and I can't very well say it's the lack of leadership that's the problem and think the next two weeks will be remotely tolerable.   

I was asked to stay and give them to time to hire someone so I can train them.  I responded - that I knew they would ask me that and my answer is no.   Because when I am short staffed my team and myself have never been a priority when it comes to hiring.  I have always waited 2 to 3 months before I get a warm body in front of me.  Other managers get priority and I've asked my boss to intervene in the past and he never has.   I finished my sentence with ' and if you could expedite this new hire I'd be really angry, because you never once cared about my inconvenience when I was short staffed"  We suddenly agree to agree that there is a toxic staffing issue in this department that I have brought to your attention several times.  Why should I care about your staffing issue in my absence?  Besides, if anyone cared about my opinion to begin with, we might not be here now"

For the time being I am keeping my head down and giving one word answers.  Meanwhile the rumor mill is spinning and I am getting phone calls from young staff that used to report to me and have since moved on to better opportunities within the company.  Every single phone call " I'm just surprised you lasted as long as you did"

[reinventmyself]

 . . came back to add that someone from the other team who works 3, 3 hour days is somehow forgiven from working from home because she doesn't have internet or a lap top. (even though we all have company issued laptops?) She has some sort of vocational disability so she ends up being the exception to rule and still gets paid for 40?

In the meantime I go into the office one day and she is so excited to give me her business card for her online clothing store she just started up.  She shares with me having worked with a web designer and all it's challenges.  I google it and it's up and running  . .along with her online blog that she updates daily.  

She might have some sort of limitation, but being manipulative isn't one of them.    

It's just too much. . . 

[Jibralta]

2 hours ago, reinventmyself said:

I did it!   I put in my resignation.  My last day is 9/17. 

YAAAAAAYYYYYYYY!!!

So happy for you 😀😀😀😀😀😀

[Jibralta]

Are you officially retired now?

[reinventmyself]

On 9/21/2021 at 1:55 AM, Jibralta said:

Are you officially retired now?

I am!  It's a little surreal.  Day 3 and I am already losing track of what day it is. haha.  No joke.

Unfortunately it's not kicking off the way I imagined.  We went on a trip a couple weeks ago and during the trip I didn't feel well.  It's day 13? and I am just now getting up and assessing the situation.  I've had two negative covid tests and a recent history of GI issues.  Anyway.  I am whining a bit.

I had to cancel an Angel game Monday night and a day trip to Catalina with a couple friends to celebrate for yesterday.  I am learning that retiring is an emotional adjustment.  It's all good, but an adjustment nonetheless.  Not sure where I am at emotionally. I feel like I am stuck in the waiting room.

One of the many benefits (I so thought) of retiring was to be free from house arrest.  The combination of 18 months of covid and working from home, I was giddy with excitement with the idea I was finally free to get out and do things.  Feeling cruddy for close to two weeks and doing not much more than watching tv is really wearing on me.  I was going to break down and call the dr yesterday, but I felt a little better.  I may be feeling better but even with that it's not gone and it's gone on too long.  I have a couple hours to decide if I make that call to my doctor this morning.

Funny thing.  I came across an article about how your body can hold onto emotional trauma. 

Sounds a bit dramatic, but I did learn from my marriage/divorce how that ultimately impacted my physical health.  I laid awake last night (funny how things are amplified times 10 when you are awake in the dark)  imagining whatever this bug is and it's uncanny timing was a way of the toxic bs I tolerated for the sake of paycheck seeping it's way out.  Don't know how valid this is but something to think about.  

I know life has challenges, but to think I no longer have to endure the toxicity, anxiety and the pretty much continual stress I had to endure for 18 years is unimaginable.   Monday, my first official day of not working I got a text from the other supervisor that my team called in sick.  I need to thank them for reinforcing my decision, even after I am gone that I did the right thing.

Thanks for asking 🙂

 

[reinventmyself]

. . came back to add my anticipated concern about retiring and my bf is coming to light.

He retired young and has always been excited about the idea of me retiring.  It's been long known that my tolerance for togetherness is a little low.  Because of my work schedule we have settled into seeing each other Fr-Su and Wed nights.

He isn't needy but he is someone who is very gregarious, social and almost like a kid with ADD seeks constant stimulation.  When I met him he worked part time for his best friend a couple days a week just for an outlet.  He surfs, plays softball, golfs, etc.  He is in perpetual motion.  I wish he still did the part time gig to burn off some of that energy.

During a few conversations something he said caught my attention. I had to caution him that we wouldn't be spending 7 days a week together and not much would change about the amount of time we would spend together.  But instead there would just be more flexibility.  I don't know what that looks like, but . . 

I struggled with early covid, him wanting to just hang out in my house while I worked.  I finally had to put a stop to that. I found myself not doing things I would normally do and any break in my day just sitting with him more than I already did.  If I had a break during my workday, I typically walked around the neighborhood, pulled weeds, cleaned closets.  With him here I found myself just sitting - more.  At some point I just had to pretend he wasn't there.  Then I finally put a stop to him coming over while I worked.

So far, Sunday afternoon he returns from a softball tournament.  He wanted to come over and watch a football game at my house.  I had to be honest and tell him that I have endured days of boring tv and I couldn't sit through a football that didn't interest me.  He admitted being tired and combined with me not feeling well, that it would be best for him to stay home and watch this game he really wanted to see. 

Two hours later.  "Can I come over?"  He shows up about 7 and we watched a movie and when leaving to go home he mentions he's surfing the morning and wanted to could come by after.   He texts me at 8:30 and I tell him if came over that he'd pretty much be on his own for an hour or so because I was getting in the shower. 

I got dressed and went to his for most of the day and because I wasn't feeling well we ran a couple errands and then just watched movies all afternoon.  I left to go home about 6 and he invites himself over for breakfast this morning.  I didn't respond.  This morning he texts me wanting to know how I feel. I tell him I am not sure yet but I will make the decision whether to call the dr or not by 10.  He asks if he can take me and I tell him no thank you.

I don't want to do this thing where he inserts himself daily and I am put in the position to tell him no.  I do sometimes I sense I tell him no more than I normally would because I feel I am constantly pursued. At the same time I have to be sensitive to his needs and he may need someone more available than me.  I have been very transparent about how I am from day one and have been consistent.  He is a grown man and he is responsible for his constant need to entertainment.  I know I am responsible for mine.

 

 

 

[Jibralta]

1 hour ago, reinventmyself said:

Funny thing.  I came across an article about how your body can hold onto emotional trauma. 

Sounds a bit dramatic, but I did learn from my marriage/divorce how that ultimately impacted my physical health.  I laid awake last night (funny how things are amplified times 10 when you are awake in the dark)  imagining whatever this bug is and it's uncanny timing was a way of the toxic bs I tolerated for the sake of paycheck seeping it's way out.

I think it's very valid. In fact, before I read this paragraph, I thought, "She probably got sick because all of that stress has lifted." The same thing used to happen to me at the end of a semester in graduate school. Grad school wasn't toxic per se, but I was constantly pulling all-nighters, and when I did get sleep it was only for a couple of hours at a time. I managed to hold it all together for the semester, then I'd get sick on my winter and summer breaks lol. 

[Jibralta]

1 hour ago, reinventmyself said:

I know life has challenges, but to think I no longer have to endure the toxicity, anxiety and the pretty much continual stress I had to endure for 18 years is unimaginable.

When I was laid off in late March 2020, it took a long time for that stress to really start to lift. I'd have to go back in my journal to see, but I'm pretty sure it was weeks before I started to feel the stress even begin to lift. And even after that point, I still got triggered by things related to that job for almost a year. But not anymore. 

47 minutes ago, reinventmyself said:

I have to be sensitive to his needs and he may need someone more available than me.  I have been very transparent about how I am from day one and have been consistent.  He is a grown man and he is responsible for his constant need to entertainment.  I know I am responsible for mine.

New is always stressful. You are still finding your own bearings. Maybe things will level out ok with your boyfriend once you discover your new routines. I think you guys have been together for a few years now. I'm guessing he probably knows how you are and is ok with it. 

ANYWAY.... Congratulations!! I hope you feel better soon and start enjoying your retirement!!

[reinventmyself]

5 minutes ago, Jibralta said:

 

ANYWAY.... Congratulations!! I hope you feel better soon and start enjoying your retirement!!

Thank you 🤗

[reinventmyself]

Week two of freedom and it's a combination of some ups and downs.

I ended up going to the dr after two weeks of not feeling well.  As it turns out it isn't something viral that will pass, but yet another possible "condition" I can add to my list of autoimmune stuff. <sigh>

Looking back, for every thing that is on my list, a stressful event preceded it.  Trying not to be too hard on myself for my ability to endure toxic situations for way much longer than necessary.

So . .I am feeling a little better but waiting for authorization for more diagnostic tests.  This particular thing might involve some lifestyle changes that will be inconvenient.   People close to me will tell me that one couldn't tell I had any health issues going on by looking at me and I don't like to talk about it.   I told a friend the other day I mostly don't like to talk about it because I can pretend they don't exist.  This new one will be hard to ignore every time I eat.

A big part of my life is social and the thought of having to choose my meals in such a way that will bring attention to me makes me very uncomfortable.  I've already gotten a lot of grief for meeting friends after work and being the only one who didn't eat.  Only because I got in the habit of eating a larger late lunch because of the long hours I worked.  I just couldn't bring myself to cook alone late just to eat and go straight to bed.  As it turns out this possible condition will require me to continue what I've been doing all along.  Before I had a choice.  Now I may not.  I would certainly eat dinner if someone cooked it and invited me to dinner.  Not sure how to sit there and kindly pass on a meal.  Awkward.  That and the food selection and portions I will be limited to.  Trying not to get ahead of myself.   Just a little down that I have added another condition to my growing list.  Not sure how I ended up with the short straw on these things.

That and adjusting to what retirement is really like.  So many of my friends are retired but one moved away, the other lives with and caretakes her elderly parents, another watches her grandkids, another is reoccupied with a very new relationship.  I do have an outing today with one friend, but I still have a lot of free time.  My thoughts are I would wait until after the first of the year to reassess this. I know I will need another outlet.  I thought having the freedom to just leave my house after working from home for 18 months would be enough.  But it isn't.  I'm still here!

I am sure the two combined that had me down yesterday.  Not having felt well and the realization of the lack of stimulation has provided me too much time in my head.  Trying to be patient with myself and acknowledge that the adjustment is perfectly normal.  

I have two trips in October and trying to focus on those. Helping my stomach issue doesn't ruin them like it did my last trip when it all started.

[reinventmyself]

I used to journal in spiral notebooks.  Post divorce and several years later I had maybe 6 buried in the bottom drawer of my dresser.  These books documented my abusive marriage, anxiety, depression, working through a divorce and finding my way.  They were pretty dark and painful.  I couldn't even open them.  But having said that, putting things in writing was extremely helpful for me at the time.

About 5 years ago I decided to burn them in the fireplace in some sort of ceremonial way.  Within minutes I noticed the bits of charred paper floating about and the ink of the covers smoking.  I figured it wasn't a good idea to continue and just ran them out to the recycle bin, imagining some recycle sorter reading my tragic dark thoughts.  Oh well.  It's not like I'll ever see that person.  Poor person.

I bought a new notebook the other day.  One page and I haven't gone back.  The things I want to write about include my relationship with my sons and my bf, among other things.  I guess being of a certain age and having lost my mom and the task of going through her private things, I am frozen to write  something that these people closest to me might come across.  Funny how 20 years ago, that thought didn't cross my mind.

I have a lot of time on my hands being retired.  I am trying to be patient with myself.  Years of running on empty reminds me that I tend to run from myself.  Now being stuck with myself and no where to run to, emotions bubble up.  This was mostly the case early pandemic when I was under what I refer to as house arrest, working from home.  I found myself walking late at night and grieving my mom who passed away 3 years ago this month.  Talking to the moon and tears running down my face, no one more surprised that I still had that amount of grief buried inside somewhere.

I don't think retirement suites me.   So what to do?  I have promised myself I would give myself to the first of the year to make any changes.  This is an adjustment and I think had I gone from 12 hours a day of running on empty to being home in my sweatpants, I'd be thrilled to bits!  But I've already had 18 mo's of living in my sweat pants, so that part really isn't a novelty.

S is out of town and I had dinner with a friend Fri, met a ladies Meetup group on Sat for wine and met two ex coworkers for brunch on Sunday.  Monday on my own, running errands and cleaning. Yesterday, my first legit golf lesson after having golfed (poorly) for years!  So it's not like I am not putting myself out there.

My job was toxic and chaotic. I was burned out and ran on empty all the time.  I didn't sleep well, waking up periodically with work stuff running through my head. Just to do it all over again. I am trying to be grateful and acknowledge that the quiet has since replaced the chaos.  But I feel flat. Is flat normal, I ask myself?  I associate flat with a negative.  Even S commented that I am different. (not in a positive way) I do know I am much more quiet around him.  I don't have much to share, but if sharing was all that was negative and frustrating one would think we'd both be grateful I am not rattling on about all the drama and how unhappy I was.   I don't have that pent up anxious energy anymore.  I think it may have seemed like I was at least more alive?  It was who I was for the past 20 years.

*My sons are polar opposites.  The older one  reaches out routinely.  Texts me to check in.  Stops by on his way home from work.  He is genuinely interested in my life and wants to spend time with me.  It never feels out of obligation.  I can tell he enjoys his time with me.

My younger son is opposite.  It's just not on his radar to reach out. He is married and has a one year old daughter.  But even prior to having a family, he's always been this way as an adult. I am in good company because he is the same with his brother and dad.  

I try everything from trying to open some dialog about it.  To leaving him be and allowing him to meet me half way.  That doesn't work the way I hope because left to his own, he'd reach out about once every two or three months.  At times I can't tolerate the tension of waiting for him, so I just check in.  I keep it light and we catch up over a phone call and we go back to the typical disconnect I always get from him.

I've tried to figure out this riddle that I can't put my finger on.   He married into a large very connected family.  I tend to think he gets his family connection from his in laws and in stark contrast to his own bio family, who is divorced.  Maybe it's just easier to avoid us so it's not a reminder.  Meanwhile his in laws drive him nuts.  They are a loud gregarious group, almost too connected after having lived in the back house, behind the parents home and now in a rental home 10 miles away on their own.  The in laws call several times a day. I often think if he had his way he'd rather not deal with any of us.

It's now super sensitive with a granddaughter I don't have easy access to.  I feel a little set up over the last year, with my son coercing me in an unrelenting way to quit my job to provide full time day care for the baby.  This started when they were only planning to start a family.  I have been totally clear on my stance. That I want to be an involved grandmother and help them in any way I can. I want to babysit and have a relationship with her.  But being fulltime daycare is not something I can do. 

I felt I was being being groomed this past year with my son calling more frequently saying things like my granddaughter needs to know her grandma.  And my daughter in law inviting me to work at her home along with her on Thursdays.  The nature of my job made it close to impossible to do this with the distraction of a baby and having to hand her off every few minutes to run outside with my laptop for telephone or conference call.  But I did anyway just thrilled to be with her on a routine basis.  Without fail, the comments about day care came up just about every visit.

But now that they are both back to work and having settled the baby in a daycare, it's radio silence.  I am back to being the one to initiate any contact.  They are really busy with life and I do acknowledge that.  But at the same time no matter how busy we might be, we make time for people if we want to. 

I reached out to him a couple weeks ago hearing through the grapevine that they made an offer on a home.  We talk lightly, catch up and chat about the baby.  I share my desire to see her and he acknowledges that a few weeks had gone by. I ask how to remedy this and he tells me I need to be more of a *pushy grandma. 

O-K??

Mind you, the baby's in bed by 6:30 and they have had some busy weekends lately.  They aren't really wanting to leave the baby on weekends seeing that weekdays are given to day care and working themselves.  I totally get this.  If it were just this in itself, I wouldn't think twice.  But given his reluctance to reach out to begin with . . .what can I say.  It makes me sad.  It's a pattern I know all too well and I am caught off guard by the hard shift back to what it's been like for the previous 10 or more years.

Midday, Halloween I reach out in a text and ask them if they have plans.   Trying to exercise the mention that I need to pushy to see them or the baby.  He texts that they are running errands and expecting her family to come over later to see the baby and trick or treat.   I feel my heart sink.   Why isn't it on my sons radar to include his side of the family?  Or at the very least me?  After all, you trusted me enough to pressure me to give up my career to help raise her.   I gather myself and invite myself to stop by for few minutes. He quickly changes the plan and tells me that they have a small window of time, but I could meet them for a quick lunch if I could be there in the 30 minutes.  Standing there in my bathrobe and realizing the destination is 30 mins from my home, I tell him I wouldn't be able to make it in time.  He did switch up the in laws to meet them there as well.

I text him about an hour later and asked him to call me when he had a moment alone.  We chatted a bit about what transpired and how at a loss of what else to do I took his advise and invited myself.  I shared with him that I am somewhat confused by why I am not even on his radar in moments like this.  I can always expect him to give an unfiltered brutally honest response. " to be perfectly honest, we wanted to spend her first Halloween alone with her and not with family at all"   Interestingly we got the same excuse on Easter.  The baby's firsts.  Part of me understands.  The other part of me adds this to the list of excuses to not include anyone.

After years of similar situations of feeling being kept at arms length and the respecting the distance my son seems to prefer.  Then a couple months of silence I sometimes swing the other way asking questions so I can better understand. I told him that I owed to myself to let him know that his decisions and actions are somewhat hurtful.  I feel hurt and it makes me sad.  Just saying it out loud and actually allowing myself to feel it after all these years..  I've always made excuses for him and at this point it's more about acceptance.  Acceptance that I can't make him want to engage his family more.  I told him one of biggest fears are being realized.  That if it's such a struggle to connect with my youngest son,  what kind of relationship will I have with my granddaughter?   It is his family after all and he will do as he chooses.  Period. 

I've gone from my granddaughter reaching out for me when I walk in the door, to her now cautiously reassessing who exactly I am and holding back.

I have since retired in the last month.  I was actually going to do it sooner, but the constant pressure to provide day care was on the table.  I haven't told my youngest son.   Sadly he really isn't interested in my life so there really hasn't even been the opportunity. I was feeling very torn, pressured and guilty over it at one point. I have bounced this off my oldest son and a couple close friends.  They have helped me work through it and at this point. . I am not sure when I will tell them and if it's even necessary.

I told my son I owed to myself to tell him how several years of this felt.  His response, " I am sorry you feel that way"  Which suggests that you may very well not be on the same page about it.  He ended to call with 'lets get together for dinner next week'  That was last week.  Not surprised I haven't heard from him,  but ultimately what hurts more is -if my son told me something I did made him feel sad, whether I agree with it or not I'd be on his doorstep in minute.  Because how he feels is important to me.  Meanwhile, it's radio silence for me.  Meanwhile he passes by my house to and from work everyday.

It's been a rough week where this is concerned.  It's been that of acceptance, rather than my wheels turning about how to make it different.  Shoot, it's been like this for years.  Why would it be any different?  Acceptance is sad though.  I can't make him want to have relationship with his family.  I have to let go of idea that something might change.  The realization hits hard.  The time of year, approaching the holidays and anniversary of my moms death doesn't help.

Over the years he has confided in me his frustration's about relating to his older brother and his relationship with his dad.  I do see his side on how he feels about them and the details that leads him to keep them at arms length.  But for some unknown reason I am thrown into the mix and if there is some sort of issue with me, I am completely in the dark about it.

After my last conversation the ball is more of less in his court.  Left to his own, I have no idea when I'll hear from him next.  I think he tends to look for excuses to create and maintain distance.  I fear I just gave him a good one.

[Jibralta]

That sounds like a very difficult situation.

4 hours ago, reinventmyself said:

Over the years he has confided in me his frustration's about relating to his older brother and his relationship with his dad.  I do see his side on how he feels about them and the details that leads him to keep them at arms length.  But for some unknown reason I am thrown into the mix and if there is some sort of issue with me, I am completely in the dark about it.

I wondered if he might have anger towards you because of his coldness. Has he told his father and his brother about his frustrations with them?