Waiting for "the talk"

[allie1913]

A little over a month ago my friend put me (31) in contact with a friend of her bf's ...he (27) contacted me and we hit it off!!! He wasn't like anyone I had dated before in that he was a sweet and very down to earth (previous to this I was a sucker for the jerks..the bigger jerk the better until I got crushed more times than I could count). About a week into dating he did inform me that he was 2/3 months out of a 5 year relationship which worried me because I didn't want him to get into something with me then realize he wasn't ready but he assured me he wanted to continue to see me and that he wanted to take things slow which I was fine with. Things continued to be great, wonderful actually...I'd usually leave the ball in his court re: plans because I didn't want him to feel pressured to be with me all the time. He always made a point to see me a couple of times a week and we'd talk numerous times through the day in the meantime I always had a full life with work, school, family and friends. We were going at a good pace!!! I kept things never light and fun...if anything he was the one that at times made things a little heavy in that he openly (and on a regular basis) express how stressed he was about being out of work and finding a new one, money woes which I handled gracefully and was always supportive of him but I do think it was early to be bringing that stress to the table so early on nonetheless I didn't let it affect us! Everything was going great until this past Friday when I asked to go out for a drink on Saturday night and he said "maybe". We had had a issue like this before and I had told him that if he didn't want to do something to be up front with me about it rather than let me down by canceling plans so when I got a "maybe" I just said fine and he immediately comes back with "what's wrong" so rather than say nothing I told him "you can just say yes or no" I didn't say that to be mean but rather it was an issue we had before so I wanted to avoid an earlier problem. He came to me with "I said maybe I don't know else to tell you" (didn't sound like a side of him I knew) so I left it at that. Saturday night came and went and I never heard from him so clearly "maybe" was a "NO". He eventually messages me on Sunday evening "are you mad or something? I haven't heard from you" ...it is evident I am mad, I got blown off but rather than engage in an argument I said I was good but he kept it going and I refused to engage it only to say "I asked you do something and I never heard from you so thought you were preoccupied". He then tells me we have to "talk..something doesn't seem right". I told him I was free all evening and he said he would have to be sometime this week. So basically I am dying a slow death here waiting to have a talk with him which clearly is going to be about ending it. I msged him yesterday and he barely engaged me so here I am ....waiting!! I talked to my friend about it and she thinks I scared him off with asking for a "yes" or "no" to my question about a drink which to me wasn't any big deal seeing as we had a similar situation before and I told him to be up front with me re: plans. Should I not have said that?? Was it too harsh too soon? And I pushed him away? And in meantime do I just want for him to contact me re: "the talk" (if he ever does) ? Or if he contacts me will I just ignore it seeing as I know the end result and he waited so long to have a talk with me. Its been 2 days since he said we needed to talk.

 

Side note: I know he is younger but that was never an issue. As I have dated guys older than me and they have been extremely immature and disrespectful

 

Thanks

[mhowe]

Many flags.

 

1. He is out of a 5 year relationship only 2 months. YOU chose to move forward. Of course he is going to say he is ready.

2. He is out of work.

 

3. Your passive aggressive stance. You ask him for drinks. He says "maybe", you said fine ---with attitude, which prompts him to ask what is wrong. And you go into the whole "yes or no" discussion.

 

"Maybe" means "I don't know". Instead of starting a fight over it, the better response after a MONTH of dating is to say "If you don't think it is leaning towards yes, let me know so I can make other plans".

 

He is likely on his way out --- that will be the talk. You can either ignore his effort to talk to you (immature on your part), or you can wait and see what he has to say and see if you guys can work this out.

 

Two days is not "waiting so long".

[reinventmyself]

By asking for clarity over whether or not he's available is not pushing someone away. "Maybe" is not an acceptable answer for plans for the following day and especially if he has had a pattern of doing this once before. Keeping anyone hanging is not ok. He seems like too much of a coward to just say no.

 

From what you describe he seems conflicted and your original hunch that he may be on the rebound was probably something you should have listened to.

 

It's probably the hardest thing to do at this time but I would not contact him and give him space.

His actions in the following days will give you the answer you are looking for.

[BigKK]

I don't know if you're desperate for a relationship, but I'd probably jump the gun and ring him and tell him that you guys are done.

 

You're obviously a rebound, so why wait around to get dumped?

[Batya33]

If someone says "maybe" without a follow up "maybe, can I let you know by __?" then take it as an option to make other plans.

 

I agree with the others that he is ambivalent about continuing to date you - could be several reasons -so I would move on since it's only been a month.

[Mari]

...

Side note: I know he is younger but that was never an issue. As I have dated guys older than me and they have been extremely immature and disrespectful

 

Thanks

 

I think there's miscommunication with what slow means and there's issues with planning. He may be someone that plays by ear more than planning something. So to him there may not be a need to plan something. Whereas you are making plans and have a schedule, and his "maybe" which may or may not turn into yes keeps you waiting and makes you feel stood up if he doesn't contact you. He probably does not feel like he's standing you up at all. He probably feels he made tentative plans that could be cancelled without consequence.

 

I recommend being honest about how you feel. Let him know your side of the story. Tell him you see him as a great guy and would like things to progress with him steadily and that you feel stood up when his "maybe" turns out to be a no because you are saving that spot on your schedule for a yes. Maybe he could let you know a day before where he stands on his maybe and if it's a no then fine you can make other plans. And also apologize for not being forthcoming with this information earlier and being passive aggressive. Him asking what's wrong is him being clueless to anything being wrong and it probably makes him feel like you're punishing him for nothing when you're angry and won't tell him why. Good luck.

[mhowe]

I had a bf in college --- of several years.

 

If I asked him something, there were 4 responses: Yes. No. Maybe. We'll see.

 

Yes = yes

No = no

Maybe = yes

We'll see = no.

 

It took me a while to figure it out, but seriously ----- generally anything but "yes" in the first month of dating can be taken as "make other plans".

[missmarple]

The problem here isn't the 'maybe' that could be yes or no or whether you're a planner and he's not...it's his lack of respect for you and your time.

He never got back to you about Saturday at all...you had to figure out for yourself that it meant 'no' after all...and, on top of that, he had the nerve to message you on Sunday saying HE hadn't heard from YOU. Seriously??? I'm surprised that you're even considering to continue dating this clown.

So what if he's been fresh out of a long-term relationship and he wants to take things slow? Slow doesn't mean 'I don't give a s*** about you and your plans'.

I wouldn't wait for any talk at all. I'd call him myself and tell him whatever it was we had is over and good luck. It's only been a month, you're not too invested in this...no reason waiting for him to finish it and nothing to talk about, really.

[mhowe]

I tend to see this reply as the most accurate.

[IAmFCA]

I had a bf in college --- of several years.

 

If I asked him something, there were 4 responses: Yes. No. Maybe. We'll see.

 

Yes = yes

No = no

Maybe = yes

We'll see = no.

 

It took me a while to figure it out, but seriously ----- generally anything but "yes" in the first month of dating can be taken as "make other plans".

 

This is funny. My ex was yes = yes. Maybe and let me check = No. No = I can't believe you even asked me that.

 

Early on, my anti-planning bf did something similar. I went on with my own plan but i was offended. I decided not to be angry etc, i just simply backed off. Eventually it came up and I told him what he did and he apologized. At that time, I was not the priority for him that I am now, and his actions reflected that.

 

Now, it's much easier. This dynamic never comes up.

[mhowe]

This is funny. My ex was yes = yes. Maybe and let me check = No. No = I can't believe you even asked me that.

 

Early on, my anti-planning bf did something similar. I went on with my own plan but i was offended. I decided not to be angry etc, i just simply backed off. Eventually it came up and I told him what he did and he apologized. At that time, I was not the priority for him that I am now, and his actions reflected that.

 

Now, it's much easier. This dynamic never comes up.

 

Back then, I actually pointed out in year 3 that I had never "won" a "we'll see". All it did was change it to a "no, I don't think so".

 

Current beau has zero problem saying "no".

I will jokingly ask if he wants to think about it...."no".

[faraday]

When someone says "maybe", figure out your deadline for a response, and tell the person.

 

I'm a planner. I like to know what's happening every night. My bf would give me "maybe's" and I would say, "okay, let me know by tomorrow morning or I'm doing "this" instead." and he would usually let me know. If he didn't, I would follow through and make other plans. Now he doesn't say maybe to me because he knows if he wants to see me, he needs to give me a firm answer. You teach people how to treat you. Teach him to make plans with you.

 

As for the talk...talks usually aren't good. Especially this early in dating. Did he end the relationship with his ex or did she?

[chickadeedee]

I think a 'maybe' with no explanation is a rude answer to an invitation. An acceptable answer would have been, 'maybe, but i need to check with my friend Fred first since we'd talked about watching a game Sat. night so let me check with Fred first.' or 'Maybe, but i'm really tired and not sure i'll be up for it but let's touch base on Sat.' or 'maybe, but i may need to work so we'll have to touch base later when i have my work schedule.'

 

So just saying 'maybe' with no explanation to why it is maybe or when he'll be able to give you an answer is rude, and shows that he might be dating other people or leaving his options open to see which is the best alternative for the evening. either of which is a bad sign if what you are looking for is a monogamous relationship.

 

And if someone knows you're upset or there is an issue and asks you to wait days or a week to discuss it, then that is a red flag too. He could easily have discussed this with you over the phone, or made a half hour open to meet to discuss it. He is clearly showing you that he doesn't see clearing up any miscommunications or misunderstandings with you as a priority, and he is in fact controlling if he won't even talk about it for a few minutes when you're upset about it.

 

So I think you are seeing him as a potential steady BF, whereas he is seeing you as a casual hookup where he is free to juggle his time as he pleases and owes no responsibility for you to make firm plans or even see you if you want to discuss something. And there is a very good chance he is either dating other people, leaving his weekends open to look for new people at bars or other activities, or he is trying to cultivate his ex and keeping his schedule open while he tries to worm his way back in again.

 

So what would I do here? Nothing at all! I wouldn't contact him at all, and see if he contacts you. And if he does, have a good think before you go about what it is you really want. And if you want a steady BF and a monogamous dating arrangement, you tell him that is what you are looking for. And if he says no, or not now, or maybe later, then don't waste your time or effort on him and just move on to better prospects.

 

But I personally would be really torqued if someone just told me 'maybe' then drifted off without a call to say no. that's just assuming you have nothing better to do than leave your plans open with bated breath while he makes up his mind, with him controlling when you do and don't see each other. That's a bad start, and I wouldn't agree to stay with someone who did that.

 

btw, re: the 'scaring him off' thing, i really hate when i hear women referred to that way, as if the guy is a timid little rabbit and you've leapt out and terrified him. He was being rude by not explaining himself, and rude again by not following up with you later after saying maybe. So you stood up for yourself and what was right. If you'd been a 'good little girl' and just said OK, and not said anything, then i suspect you'd be sitting home most Saturday nights by yourself hoping he'd call you, meanwhile he is out chasing his ex or dating other women. You have a perfect right to ask for clarification on a 'maybe', as long as you are not rude or hostile about it. He made it very clear he had no intention of being considerate and telling you why or following up, so i think he's just showing you he sees himself as a totally free agent to come and go as he pleases without agreeing to things in advance, and he doesn't want to be seen as a steady date or a potential BF more as a casual date. So if you are looking for someone who is a steady monogamous BF and he's instead behaving like this, he's better off gone!

[IAmFCA]

Agree completely.

 

Somtimes people are just space cadets, distracted, and not meaning to be rude. Also, people who don't plan don't realize that their maybe is impacting you. With my bf I do things like: "I am buying tickets for [my family]. If it turns out you can join us, see if you can get a tickets near Row P." Or, I say, "I am ready to buy tickets, are we serious about going?" ... ways of letting him know I am making a decision at that time. Otherwise, i let him have whatever time he needs before he is ready to go firm.

[chickadeedee]

>>Him asking what's wrong is him being clueless to anything being wrong and it probably makes him feel like you're punishing him for nothing when you're angry and won't tell him why.

 

Him asking what's wrong on a Sunday, after not doing anything with her Saturday or even contacting her to let her know he wasn't coming, is his way of reeling her back in again after Saturday has safely passed and he's gotten to do whatever it was he wanted to do that excluded her (i.e., maybe his Sat. night date with the ex didn't go as planned, or his date with another girl wasn't as fun as planned, so now suddenly he's in contact again asking her why she isn't contacing him.)

 

It takes a lot of cheek for him to disappear then ask her where SHE'S been and why she isn't contacting him. Then when it is obvious she is upset he blew her off, she tries to talk to him, and he blows her off again and want to put her off for days... I don't think he's clueless at all, i think he's manipulating her.

[IAmFCA]

You may be right.

 

Rather than assume his motivation, better to decide whether she can deal with him at all and if so, according to what terms. Like, when he says how come you haven't called? She could laugh, "Because I fell asleep by the phone waiting for you to confirm for yesterday?" Or even, "I did call you. Didn't i? I thought I did... What's up?"

 

The trouble is, taking a behavior and assigning meaning to it makes it very difficult to resolve. And if we are certain our interpretation is correct, there is no need for a conversation. Just fade away.

[chickadeedee]

>>"Because I fell asleep by the phone waiting for you to confirm for yesterday?" Or even, "I did call you. Didn't i? I thought I did... What's up?"

 

But this kind of response just extends the game, rather than getting to the root of the problem. The real problem is he blew her off for the weekend and didn't even bother to call to tell her he couldn't make it. Then somehow it is her fault for not calling him?

 

She should talk to him and say, 'if you say 'maybe', i'd appreciate a call back the same day telling me whether you're going to make it or not. I expect that common courtesy from anyone if we've discussed doing something and you haven't committed one way or another.'

 

But i think she's already had that convo with him once before. And he's done it to her again. I've dumped friend (and dates) before if they are inconsiderate enough to see their whims as more important than treating you and your time with respect. The problem is that a 'maybe' makes her leave that time slot open until she knows whether he's coming or not, or else to live her life with a perpetually open door for him to wander in and out of like he's a moody teenager. So this kind of behavior is a manipulative way of someone telling you their time and whims are more important than you or your time is.

 

My experience has been that people who behave this way turn out to be quite selfish/self centered people in other ways, because they see their whims/needs as more important than yours, and will back burner other people whenever their whims change or they they get a better offer to do something else. The simplest explanation is the best: they want their options open in case they find something they consider more fun/more important to do at the moment than you!

[pippy longstocking]

Maybe as he is out of work he didn't know if he could afford to go out and was to embarrased to say ....so he maybe held you with a "maybe" to see what his situation was by saturday .

[Ms Darcy]

I don't think the maybe is an issue. I think you guys might have uneven expectations about this thing you have going on. He doesn't seem like an emotionally available, financially independent man yet. He's just out of a relationship and has no job. Personally, I think you can do better.

[annie24]

Do you really want to be with a guy who you ask out and he says "maybe?" Personally, i'm a planner and like to have my plans set a few days in advance. And then sometimes other friends call me at the last minute like, "hey - want to go to dinner tonight?" or "hey - I won tickets to an event, let's go, only thing is it's tomorrow night." so, I'm not going to sit around and wait for Mr. Maybe to figure things out, you know?

 

If it's been a few days, why don't you call him and say this isn't working out and wish him luck?